News and sport

An Apple college nerd in the US of States attempted to commit suicide in New York's flag ship Apple Store last week by pressing down on his head and poking his belly button.

Brandon Woykowsky 20, of Yonkers, NY had apparently failed to come to terms with the death of Steve Jobs and the fact that he bought his iPad3 a day after it's release.

Store "Genius" Jossy Okinowya was on hand to re-boot Mr Woykowsky in time to prevent any loss of memory.

Ironically, still burdened with painful memories he then went home and shot his parents before turning the gun on himself.

I love a happy ending.

* * *

The "Special" relationship between the UK and the US of States has taken an even more one-sided countenance over the past few months it has been admitted by the Foreign Office.

"They don't give an actual fuck about us," conceded the FO. I'm paraphrasing, but the set-up at the moment is we'll follow them like a love-sick puppy into the really horrific Vietnam type wars which last a generation and destroy entire countries and leave hundreds if not thousands of lives in ruin not to mention the countless families destroyed by the losses and injuries sustained by our Forces.

Meanwhile, the US of States won't even lift a fucking finger to help us in what would be a piece of piss Argentina type war, lasting about a sodding week if we had the proper assistance from our supposed fucking allies who really owe us a favour wouldn't you say?

"So erm..this is what you meant by assisting me in battle? Playing table tennis?

I was thinking more about wiping Argentina off the face of the map."

* * *

Lovely to see that all crime now is down. All the figures add up. Crime is definitely down. The figures show it. And of course there is no other means of measuring the level of crime. Except perhaps going outside.

Might the crime figures have gone down because no one calls the Police anymore when they need assistance? No one reports crimes anymore because it's pointless. The police won't get your stuff back for you if you've been burgled or mugged.

If you've been beaten up, the worst is over and you know the Police won't find who did it despite it featuring on several CCTV cameras so you might as well just go home.

The Police will tell you to be more careful next time. They will tell you to get locks on your windows, or not to walk down a particular street at a particular time of day, even if that path is your from path and the time of night is when you're getting home from work.

They will tell you how to cope after a crime with all manner of help lines. They won't prevent crime. They stopped doing that when it was considered better to use them to protect the state rather the people.

To assist the general public there's usually only four of them now covering most of the southern part of England. And the guy who covers the North of england won't go out when it's raining because his windscreen wipers don't work.

"What's your emergency please?..Sorry we don't really respond to rapes anymore.

What are you wearing love? Do you think you might have deserved it?

Why not wear something more conservative next time you go out? Alright darlin ta ra..."

* * *

A group of Liverpool fans confused by all the recent memorials and remembrances and minutes applauses were arrested in Poland this afternoon after staging a protest outside Auschwitz-Birkenau demanding "Justice for the 6,3445,234."

Craig Haldall 42, from Bootle screamed in a foamy mouthed Scouse dialect that can only be properly understood when heard from a distance,

"dee can arrest us all dee want, but I won't stop seekin' justice until the entire top brass of the South Yorkshire police force are held responsible in a European tribunal at the Hague for the deaths of 6 million Jews exterminated during the holocaust."

"You'll never walk alone my 'eeebrew brethren,..people think it were Gerry and the Pacemakers who first sang that first, but it were Moses weren't it."

* * *

Sport now and Chelsea hopefully have deluded themselves into thinking they can actually qualify for the Champions League final after somehow beating Barcelona last night despite having only 20% of the possession.

Much the same way Arsenal beat them last year in fact, only to get absolutely hammered in the second leg at the Nou Camp.

Hopefully Chelsea will rest everyone. Including Didier Drogba who not only always scores against Arsenal, but it fast becoming the most despicable player in World football.

He is a remorseless diving woman. And despite his size he is also very effeminate. I actually think he's a whoopsie. He's got a gayness about him. His facial expressions, his appalling pony tail, his love of the theatre. I know he's married, but so is Ian Rush.

It's just so rare you find one with such a devastating right foot. Usually they're left-footers.

Iraq 2: This time it's personal, like the last time.

I haven't seen any of the coverage of this Gaddafi slaughtering, but I can tell you this for nothing, this won't be a good thing. Let's assume it is him even though he looks like Gene Simmons from Kiss in all this gruesome pictures.

Did we not learn from the Iraq debacle that when you take a country off a dictator and kill him, the place usually descends into utter chaos? Why are our politicians incapable of learning history's harsh lessons?

Usually it's because they don't give a shit about history's harsh lessons and are trying to either kill someone for personal reasons or cover their own backsides for stuff they or their Government did in the past.

I suspect on this occasion they were keen for the real truth about the Lockerbie bombing to remain hidden. As hidden as it can be given that anyone with access to Google ought to know by now that Libya had about as much to do with that attack as Gary Neville did in any of Manchester United's Championship successes.

Gaddafi was the only one really capable of spilling the beans. So with him out the way now the truth can remain hidden from people who only know what they read in the newspapers.

It was of course a Syrian and Iranian effort. Syria were then needed in the first Gulf war as an ally to defeat Iraq so they decided to blame Libya instead. It's a great world we live in Governed by really really nice people.

Let's turn Libya over to these people.

I see no flaw in that plan.

Pop tarts, Obama and the Champions League

Americans don't know how lucky they are being able to buy pop tarts in the super market. I have to have mine imported. I loves them.

Yes America may very well be on the very brink of collapse. Yes it's true that almost all of us failed to acknowledge that beneath all of the cool, Barack Obama, politically, ideologically, sentimentally, uselessly, was essentially Neil Kinnock, and yes of course America's days as a super Imperial power are numbered, but that happens to all Imperial campaigns. It happened most famously to us of course.

But at least Americans can buy cookies and creme Pop Tarts locally. OK so you're having to have them for dinner as meat is too expensive, but it's still better than having to ship them in at two or three times their street value. I know which situation I'd rather be in.

Speaking of failed Empires. France via the European Union continues to try and become Germany while pretending they're an independent people. Silly submissive cowards. And it appears the only thing in greater disarray than their national identity is their top flight football.

Ligue 1 is furnishing French fans with an appalling standard of football and Marseille are some of the worst culprits. With this in mind I will take the extraordinary step this evening of backing this current Arsenal side in an away European encounter.

At 2/1 against Arsenal must surely be value no? They were unlucky not to beat Dortmund in the first game of this year's competition and Marseille are not as good as Dortmund. The atmosphere is intimidating so they say, but only if you find rude songs about Arabs offensive. If Arsenal can cope with that, I can see them winning this game quite comfortably.

Being the home side in the Champions league or the Premier League statistically is worth about 1.4 goals and playing Arsenal who are obviously incapable of keeping a clean sheet at the present time, boost this figure up to about 1.5.1.75 so Arsenal will probably need to find three goals to win..but in his current form Robin van Persie ought to be able to find those goals within the first thirty minutes.

A less risky approach may just be to back both teams to score, but we here on the blog feel this is yellow bellied. I therefore hereby declare Arsenal as being worth a punt tonight. Probably along with Shahktar Donetsk at evens. Good luck with all your bets.

Things I love this week and things I don't

So this week it's been an intriguing mix of loving things and really hating things. Let's begin by simply listing the things this week that I have loved and then flesh the post out with further details: Jelly Babies obviously, Sammiches, Victoria Azarenka (Rrrrroooooooooooooooar), Pampas baby wipes.

Now at first glance it's not an extensive list, but it's been enough to keep me occupied. Jelly babies and sammiches are a standing positive so no further discussion needed on them, but Azarenka is someone we only became familiar with when Wimbledon began so let's discuss her.

Going back a few years I seem to recall a male tennis player commenting on how the women players were all pigs. I think he actually did call them pigs. He might have been Australian. And at the time, I think even the women were sort of looking at each other and agreeing he had a point.

These were the days of Arancha Sanchez Vicario who really was more swine than woman. For this reason I've never paid any attention to the women's game, which means I've paid no attention to the game of tennis at all as it is of course a woman's game and should not be played by men.

Fast forward a decade or so and there seems to have been some changes. Where has this new breed of no-pinters evolved from? Were the Vicarios of the tennis world screened out by the tennis authorities via a sophisticated programme of genetic engineering?

They've done a cracking job. It's mostly eastern European and Russian DNA that has been used it seems. There's an evolutionary reason for this, we touched upon on the previous blog. It's something to do with how the eastern European male genes are weaker than the females, as all the strong healthy men from the Soviet Union countries all spent decades at war and left the ugly infirm crazies at home with all the women folk.

So the females, sat at home all pampered and playing nice with each other and their genes became dominant producing millions of blonde 6 footers who all went on to either play tennis or do porn and the men were all deformed 5ft dwarfs with low foreheads and stubby noses predominately called Andrei.

Anyway, so this explains the Azarenka woman. A mixture of warrior and porn star. Awesome. She's engineered to sexually dominate her mate. And when he lays sated and exhausted she then snaps his neck with one hand and inherits all his money with the other. It's a win win situation! If only I was rich, what a way to go.


I also love Pampas baby wipes as they can be used to clean furniture, hands, toilet seats and my face - in that order.

Now then..things this week I've hated. Johann Hari.

I'm taking deep breaths as I type this such is my struggle to remain composed. Where to start..so Johann was caught fabricating his interviews.

Caught however is not the word. He admitted to it, he explained in a blog post how he inserts previous quotes from his interviewees if they're struggling to articulate themselves during his interviews with them.

Ironically I can't fully articulate myself how wrong this man's creativity is without cutting and pasting other peoples thoughts on the matter. He's simply an utter hypocrite and cunt is all I can manage at this time.

He won't accept that his "intellectual portraits" are a betrayal of the most fundamental standards we ought to be able to expect from journalists. This man has won the Orwell prize for fucks sake. How ridiculous does that seem now? Orwell could have written about him.

What reeeeally irritates me about this, is how this lefty hummus eating holier than thou sandal wearing son of a Swiss bus driver, has set himself up as the paradigm of journalistic integrity.

Any right wing journalist caught doing this would be savaged. If Peter Hitchens had been found lifting great blocks of text from all over the place and passing it off as his own he'd be dead by now. They'd have brought back hanging just for him. They'd have shown it after the tennis.

It's all dismissed as justifiable however by the left, if the essential truth, the greater truth is told. Usually only a mad communist dictator in fatigues could use language like this and keep a straight face. What truth? Who's truth? How can something that's been manipulated, altered, doctored, massaged and sexed up be the truth?

Tosser.

It's not for Mr Hari to decide what we ought to be reading or reading into something. If an interviewee is inarticulate, hesitant, or babbling then this in itself is information. It's a part of the interview, part of the truth. The greater sodding truth. You can't just edit it all out and replace it with a polished speech the person made a few years ago because you felt this was what they meant to say...especially when the interviewee is one of your leftie heroes who you want to portray in a positive light.

This is what I hate about lefties. When they are caught red-handed lying, cheating, or just being wankers - everything they indiscriminately accuse Conservative types of, there's always a higher purpose. It's never as bad as something Richard Littlejohn said last week in the Daily Mail.

Well now it seems there's a higher power even than Johann, one reaps what one sows and it is time for him to pay the piper and other mixed metaphors I can't be bothered to lift from Google.

His career is being examined with a fine tooth comb and with every hour that passes new and more astonishing bullshit is emerging. I'm guessing all his Iraq stuff is bollocks, I'm doubting he's been within 50 miles of a war zone. It's likely every serious interview he's ever conducted with have these embellishments in them, or just made up entirely, which makes his entire career a fabrication. I hope he ends up driving his father's bus.

Someone burst Huhne's bubble

Chris Huhne is still not in prison and now he's even talking to the papers about his job instead of hiding behind the sofa. Will someone please kick him to death before we all perish.

Huhne according to my latest figures, is a cheeky mad bastard. He has the barefaced cheek to tell us all that we shouldn't take price increases in electricity "lying down." That we should shop around, hit the power companies where it hurts if price increases are unreasonable.

What of course he ignores here is that he is responsible for electricity now becoming a luxury item and we can't shop around because give or take a few quid all the power companies will charge similar amounts - at the time of writing - an arm and almost a whole leg.

His view of the world makes Michael Jackson's seem quite down to earth. Chris Huhne lives in a bubble, a fantasy world where all our energy needs can be met by harnessing the power of love. It's why he has cheated on his wife so often.

He is leading the way, blazing a trail of love capture. He claims already that through making love to two lesbians while his wife and kids were at home waiting for him, he has been able to power his electric car that can reach speeds of over 85 mph.

It will be a long time before the entire nation is powered by our love of one another however, even Huhne concedes this. Unfortunately his plan in the meantime is to use wind power to meet our needs instead of coal or nuclear power stations.

Power companies under the renewables obligations, a document which is essentially porn to Chris Huhne, must buy 10% of their electricity from renewable sources and pay twice the market rate. This cost is then passed on to us and consequently millions of people are forced to choose each winter between food, clothing or heating.

This will have interesting evolutionary effects. How many generations before we start becoming a lot hairier from birth? With smaller appendages and slower heart rates. We'll be reptiles before the lefty green loonies see sense.

Chris Huhne is the reason why no one can afford to heat their entire homes, but is blaming the power companies as is the standard practice of misdirection employed by all politicians. And it only gets worse, 10% as we speak will be 15% next year and 50% by 2020 or some such madness.

This can of course only happen by bankrupting the entire world. It will require technology not yet in existence and we will also have to find ways of making the wind blow all the time. And none of this unfortunately, is a joke.

We're doomed. It's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

Obama's visit

Obama shakes the Queen's hand while
the Duke of Edinburgh growls at his wife

Who ate all the rations? Obama frowns at the girth of a fat soldier

Cha cha cha

Sweetie, do tell; is it true what
they say about black men?

For crying out loud

Is this not the most bullshit excuse for journalism I've ever seen this weekend? What is the point of having a mainstream media if this qualifies as a story?

Those evil Muslim extremists are apparently about to target ...wait for it...Prince Harry!! Poor defenseless Cornet Wales of the fucking Household Cavalry who just a few days ago was toffed up to the nines like a Ruritanian Prince at William's wedding.

Well fuck me, someone body call some body! However will he survive with just the worlds supply of guns and ammunition at his disposal backed up by even more guns and ammunition and while sat in an armoured gun on wheels.

How dare those cowardly brutes target someone who was videoed just a few months ago shooting at them during a photo opportunity and who's job it is to kill them.

Can someone get a memo over to the Daily Mail and explain that this is in fact how war works. We target them and then to counter this, they target us and which ever side loses their stomach for the fight first loses.

If they say they're going to target Fergies god awful sprogs then that's a different matter though how you'd know they'd been shot in the face is anyone's guess...but while they're simply targeting Officers in the British Army this is, for all their evil doings, perfectly within the rules.

Today's guff

I had occasion to visit Argos yesterday. I bought a portable DVD player as my old one had burnt out due to excessive Smallville watching and a brown cushion, to sit on. Last night I watched Tron: Legacy. It was essentially a remake of the original only fancier and they were able to put some strumpets in tight body suits. But this is all incidental. What I'd like to discuss with you is Argos' selection of jewellery.

They sell engagement rings at Argos. Who buys them? Who are their target market? You have found your soul-mate, the one person you feel incomplete without, and you express this endless love by offering them a £59.99 ring possibly made out of recycled spoons.

I personally have no respect for the institute of marriage. I don't find it at all romantic and consequently such a gaudy trinket to me seems an entirely appropriate symbol of an inevitably miserable union, but I fancy these things are not usually purchased with the same ironic motives.


It is of course a funny old world and there's no percentage in trying to work people out anymore. People are mental. I stopped trying to work people out when Ant and Dec rose to fame. And thank the Lord our God and father of the baby Jesus I did, because if I didn't I'd be spending this weekend with a pencil and paper and calculator trying to figure out why anyone bothered voting yesterday. I'd not get a wink of sleep.

The most disgusting people in this country, the most contemptible people other than Tottenham supporters, are people who vote and claim to be 'informed' on the strength of reading the Guardian or the Telegraph and watching Question Time.

These things exist precisely to keep people from being genuinely informed. If these cretinous wine drinkers really knew where the bear sits in this country there would be rioting in the streets. It would be every man for himself. People would be sprinting aimlessly through towns with their hair on fire shouting WE'RE DOOMED.

Politicians would not be able to leave their bunkers. It wouldn't be safe. Pensioners would gun them down. 'We didn't defeat Hitler only to be forced fed German sausages for tea,' they'd shout.

We all like to have a good old laugh at Greece. Some people even think it's the Lord our God and the father of the baby Jesus' revenge for them inventing homosexuality.

The truth is we're as fucked. Just because we don't spend our days shouting at each other and wearing curly shoes, let us not assume everything is really OK and we'll be fine in the end. We won't. If we don't sell Scotland to the Arabs before they win Independence expect the same civil unrest we're seeing in Greece and are about to see in Portugal and Spain, here.

Of course the last people out on the streets to raise the Houses of Parliament to the ground and tie up all the politicians with piano wire to be gunned down will be those 'informed' people who squabbled about the merits of AV and the dangers of "the cuts". People like Eddie Izzard who needs to be exiled to Wick immediately.

These people are so ignorant, when the time comes they'll ignore the fact that their town is on fire and the nation has become a lawless burnt out badlands like something from Mad Max where the only food left in the super-market is Liquorish All-Sorts and people scavenge for petrol wearing American football pads and cricket helmets, because there was nothing about it in the papers.



Still, you've got to laugh. Sport now and I'm going to have a bet today on something. I fancy Everton to lose quite heavily to Manchester City if the truth be told. I also felt in my bones that Seville might give Real Madrid a stuffing.

I'm also hearing in my ear piece that Borussia Dortmund will triumph over lowly Werder Bremen. Speaking of Dortmund, apparently you can apply at the Post-Office now if you want to change teams.

I popped into the Post-Office in Witney, but they were out of forms. I assume Paulie Two Thumbs had had them all away, but the intention is to ditch Arsenal in favour of Borussia Dortmund.

I like their funny yellow kits and how they're top of their league and can't mathematically not be Champions. They say their players don't cry either when everything gets a bit tricky.

Shoes made for walking free

Silly Andrew Ryan. As a member of the underclasses he won't have been aware that Ken Clarke will only allows Judges to dish out prison sentences for crimes in two categories; 1) the heinous child murdering type crimes that are front page news and 2) offending Muslims.

Unfortunately for young Ryan burning a copy of the Koran - a poor rip off of the Bible - is obviously rather offensive to Muslims. So off he will now go to jail for 70 days.

If only he had chosen instead to burn poppies on Remembrance Day like young Emdadur Choudhury who was able to escape with a £50 fine for his efforts which I'm sure he'll be able to afford once he's sued the Met Police for religious bigotry and received about £250,000 compensation.

Ken Clarke doesn't think prisons work see. He quite rightly points out the high re-offending numbers and therefore concludes that in the long term there is no purpose to simply warehousing criminals where they learn new and interesting skills from other criminals.

This is of course true. But then, if I thought the only punishment I might receive by robbing a post-office again having bungled my first effort an gotten caught was 18 months in what is essentially a bit of dirty budget hotel only slightly better as it will have free drugs and Sky TV, broadband internet and a pool table - I might re-offend too.

If however prisons were austere nasty places where you were fed and clothed and had a bed, but it was made perfectly clear to you that while you were there you had the right to breath and not be tortured, but that was about it, then you might think twice about whether you wanted to come back again.

Sadly we are of cause doomed. Crime is too much of a problem now. We now have generations in the underclasses who simply don't know how to behave, don't understand that crime is wrong. Ken Clarke's solution to tackle crime is simply to not make anything a criminal offense. Blame everything on deprivation. Insist that everyone is beautiful inside and we just need to help those poor souls find a place in society.

Meanwhile he lives happily in a community where the average house price is probably about £1m and he will continue to live some distance away from the problems he can afford to ignore. Not for long though. Let's see how he feels about crime the first time he finds an urchin in his living room rifling through his collection of jazz records.

Telegraph: Shortage of RAF pilots for Libya as defence budget cuts bite

Telegraph dude who clearly can't be arsed to actually do his job writes there's no pilots to do the job in Libya:

But when you get to the last two paragraphs, the bit where he hopes most people have stopped reading we find out that this is actually bullshit:

Air Marshal Dick Garwood, Deputy Commander-in-Chief Operations, said there was no shortage of pilots. “We have enough aircraft and people to carry out all the tasks placed on us,” he said.

MoD sources suggested that the Libyan conflict vindicated the decision to retain the Tornado over the Harrier as there were more pilots in the pool and it had a greater reconnaissance and strike capability.

More than just the wrong colour

Have you seen that video on the YouToobs where a spoiled girl 'McKenzie' gets all stroppy because the car her Dad has bought for her is the wrong colour? It's fake, but it's still an example of how completely out of kilter with reality people can get when they're too used to having everything they ask for.

We unfortunately have become a nation of McKenzies. You see now Britain over the past thousand years have given many an invading army a damned good thrashing and come through a hideously bloody civil war to protect it's Sovereignty and build for itself a democratic society where freedom and liberty for all are guaranteed. We fought for everything we had and thus took none of it for granted.

Over those thousand years many many millions of people died fighting for this cause and in horrible hideously bloody ways before the invention of modern weaponry expedited the killing process. Many a man was speared through the jugular with an arrow fired from 200 yards away or hacked to death with a blunt sword.

So you'd think really if two or three Prime Ministers who haven't done a days proper hard graft between them made attempts to simply sign away that hard fought after Sovereignty over the course of twenty years, the British people might have something to say about it. Ha ha, but no. In fact, no one gives a shit. Many people either don't know it's happening or don't really care.

Before invading Iraq about a million people marched to protest about us invading another 'Sovereign nation'. Most of whom had picked up the term 'Sovereign nation' from the telly. Not in my name they whined. But when the Sovereignty of their own country was being eroded away treaty by treaty as they spoke they simply didn't notice or care or understand.

This is because vast swathes of the nation have now been reduced by a Fabian coup d'état both physically and intellectually to the level of primates. It's all most people can do to eat a custard tart without getting most of it down their front.

History, real history, is not taught in schools anymore specifically because the state does not want our wee ones actually appreciating the value of Sovereignty. They don't want our wee ones understanding what we have come through to get where we are. This makes it much easier to sign it away without resistance from them when they become adults.

Schools no longer teach our wee ones to read either, because then they might read history books they don't have access to at schools and learn by themselves that they're not living in a democracy anymore. And of course the family unit has also been largely done away with as this traditionally is really how children learn the ways of the world.

Much better to encourage women to get knocked up in a pub toilet and not remember who the hell the bloke was than to continue having families. Families lead to communities where people talk to each other and are sociable and have funny ideas about how those communities should be run.

Because now whole generations are dependent on state monies, because we're being bribed with our own money, and a life time on benefits is essentially a lifestyle choice and actually working for a living becomes increasing difficult, we have lost the ability to think for ourselves and take care of ourselves. Consequently we have anarchists who far from wanting to smash the state as anarchists by definition are want to do...our anarchists want it protected!

Without a hint of irony British 'anarchists' will march in their thousands protesting against the shrinking of the state! Instead of smashing the state, they will smash up Top Shop instead as a protest again capitalism man or something.

And while their doing this they'll continually have to pull up their Diesel jeans, exposing their Calvin Klein underwear while being filmed by a fellow anarchist on his iPhone. Capitalists I shit 'em they cry.

A protester probably with a rich father exposing his CK undies yesterday

All of this in the wake of previous demonstrations from students who flatly refuse to accept that they ought to pay for their own education. Now of course, the final irony is these 'cuts' are all bullshit anyway.

Over the course of this Parliament George Osborne will spend more than the last Government. The cuts are precision incisions to the armed forces, the education system etc all simply to make it look like he's being ruthless and confronting the deficit, but actually just voluntarily making us more dependent on the EU.

This way Dave can say our integration into an EU superstate is not his fault and something that has come about because Gordon Brown fucked everything up for us. Meanwhile Ed Miliband, who still hasn't finished painting that ceiling, will play along and pretend the plight of TUC members is akin to the fucking civil rights movement in America and the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa.

Ed Miliband with Dulux in his hair yesterday.

Perspective is always the first thing that needs to be jettisoned when brainwashing a nation. All of this has a disorientating effect on the millions of primates in this country who cannot think for themselves and are simply unable to distinguish between not being able to afford the new iPad and being tortured for having dark skin.

While the middle east erupts in civil wars and protesters are carried off in the night by the secret police of the Despots who are clinging to power by any means necessary, tortured or killed...we here in this country smash up the Ritz Hotel because if things continue the way they are some of us might not be able to afford two cars, and if that happens it won't be long before we can't even chose the colour of the one car we can afford! And how's that gonna look?

Law and order breaks down in Japan

Children as young as 3 are robbed at gun point as Japanese mutants from
the nuclear disaster shunned by society go in search of food and toys

#PrayForJapan #RIP #Japan

It's entertainment when a giant lizard is tearing up Japan, but
when it's an earthquake it's suddenly not quite so funny? Hypocrites.

I tell you what this whole pray for Japan business has my dander fully erected. People tweeting messages of sympathy to a country? That as far as I'm aware is as insincere a means of conveying condolence as is currently available.

An earthquake, followed by a tsunami and potential nuclear disaster and all people can manage is, #prayforJapan because they're limited to only 140 characters. Sandwiched between tweets about Justin Bieber and Clive Tyldesley an RIP message for the dead in Japan is just a fucking insult.

Just don't bother. You don't care. If a tweet is all you can manage you definitely don't care. There's nothing wrong with not caring. I don't care. I wouldn't care if it happened here. We've all got issues to deal with and I'm more concerned with what Lionel Luthor is up to than what's happening in Japan.

What's going on here?: Lionel and Martha Kent yesterday

We can't help these people, I'm not even sure if they are people, we can't change history and they're the ones who built a series of fucking nuclear facilities on one of the world's most notorious fault lines in the first place. Selfish bastards, take us all down with you.

And bollocks to giving them money too. Jesus. What's wrong with people in this country?? They're the third largest economy in the world. They can cope with this. We can't even afford to put petrol in our children. Or feed our cars.

I swear we're all living in dream land where the UK still owns the planet and we have inexhaustible funds to sort everyone's shit out and we're just choosing not to finance the rebuilding of our own country and voluntarily live in a stinking shit hole with no education system or health care or police force or transport network and bread that costs more than a fucking rolex. Japan could have six more of these disasters this week and they're still in better shape than us.

And what good is a fucking prayer anyway? Urgh, I hate it when people say that. Some one develops aggressive brain cancer and a sanctimonious sandal wearing cunt in a sarong offers to pray for them. Yeah cheers cause that'll help. If there was a God and he was going to help, he wouldn't have mashed the persons brains up in the first place.

I'm of the opinion a massive nuclear disaster wiping out pretty much everyone is about the only thing that'll save the species. Sort of like re-booting. We need to start again and this time not invent telly and instead of wasting time trying to keep hold of India we need to divert military resources across the Atlantic to win the war of Independence and stop America from ever happening. All the shit in the world can be regressed back to the birth of America.

Alright well I've said my piece, I'll bid you good day.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Colonel Gaddafi's prayers for something more sensational to occur than his bloody campaign of revenge on those who mistakenly thought they could oust him have been answered with a massive earthquake in Japan which caused a Tsunami that could cause a nuclear disaster.

Gaddafi was reported as saying to God, "the earthquake would have been enough, but cheers anyway." The world's media has now forgotten what's happening in northern Africa and can barely contain it's excitement at the thought of some proper nuclear devastation the likes of which we haven't seen since Chenobyl.

Daily Mail staff reporters have been climaxing on average three times every hour since the earthquake two days ago. David Cameron has had to learn several new serious faces to use in press interviews as he does not want his 'let's go to war frowns' to be confused with his 'let's pray for Japan condolence furrowing of the brow.

Unbe-fucking-lievable

Do you know who Jill Duggen is? I didn't either until this morning. She's the woman who's going to kill us all. She's the British head cheese on carbon trading. She wants to reduce the carbon emissions of the European Union member states by 20% by 2020 despite the fact that the economic consequences will see us all starving to death because food will be a luxury item has everyone turns to prostitution to pay their energy bills.

She has no idea how much her master plans will cost (at least $250billion) or what the eventual benefits on global temperature reduction will be (max 0.05 degrees). All she does seem to know is that her efforts will almost certainly not work as India and China's emissions alone make any reductions the European state makes completely irrelevant.

The interview is Here: it begins about half way through the recording. It's actually quite difficult to listen to as her arguments are destroyed and it becomes terrifyingly clear has no idea what she's talking about.

Why has no British journalist been able to make such a mockery of the biggest scam in all of human history? The BBC are so sold on this idea that it's impossible for an interview like this be aired in this country.

Richie's getting angry.

Be careful what you wish for...

Well now the campaigns of all those budding amateur suffragettes' and hummus eating Guardian readers demanding equality for all especially between the genders is starting to bear fruit. Congratulations, now car insurance will cost womenfolk more because the EU agrees with you. But it doesn't end here..

It is of course bullshit that men and women are equal. Doesn't mean one gender is better than the other, just they are not equal. There is no equality in that sense of the word. It doesn't make any sense whether it be womenfolk, the disabled or whatever other groups of people you want to compare.

When you try to mandate this kind of egalitarian nonsense by law you get a bullshit state of affairs such as this current one with insurance companies. No one has ever disputed women have fewer accidents than men, they don't drive fast enough to have accidents, but the EU refuses to accept that equality should be subordinate to the facts of the matter or common sense.

As Scooby-Doo once said, "Ruh-Roh."

This does not end here of course. This is just the beginning. If you are one of those people demanding equality, well I'm afraid you're gonna get it now...and good luck to you cause this will not end well for you. When people talk about being careful what you wish for it's the European Union's madness they have in mind.

Imagine women if you will, a future where divorce settlements are not biased in your favour, Eeek! Or even worse, where custody of children is actually determined by what's best for the child, OH NO! Still keen on equality? We jest of course, this is of course how it should be.

But how far to go in order to secure such equality? Imagine the EU imposing quotas on courts. Courts would have to be able to demonstrate there had been a reasonably close 50-50 split between the Mother and Father in custody allocation each year! Children could be placed with unhinged drug addicted or Tottenham supporting fathers just to satisfy the quotas.

The armed forces would not be exempt from the lunacy. The EU decides to lead the way, blazing a trail for the equality movement in the military decreeing all front line fighting regiments must be at least 25% female, 10% disabled and a further 10% lesbian and homosexual to reflect the demographics of typical European society.

The EU decides to start a war with Iran just to test the strength of it's sparkling new politically correct military. The Islamic armies of Iran are infuriated by the sight of women in front line regiments as they consider stray rabid dogs a more worthy foe. Insulted, they decided to only take male soldiers prisoner..the gay and women soldiers are simply executed immediately after being raped several times.


Now this of course is all bullshit, nonsense and horse hockey. The EU could never do this, it's madness and we wouldn't stand for it anyway. But of course, if I'd have said ten years ago that the EU would ban car insurance premium discounts on the strength of gender you'd have very seriously doubted me.

If I'd have said the EU would make it illegal for the Government to deny axe murderers the vote you'd have insisted I lie down and taken my temperature. If I'd have explained how the EU would make it illegal for us to deny anyone entry to the UK if they were from another member state you'd have ordered me up to bed and made me some soup and if I'd have explained the EU"s energy policies to you you'd have slapped me across the face, offered me some smelling salts and called an ambulance.

This has all been going on under our noses for years. A twenty year Fabian coup. This isn't the beginning, it's the beginning of the end. An end to our Sovereignty, freedom, democracy, common sense, bacon sandwiches. Everything for which we've spent the last thousand years defeating the French and Germans to protect.

The European Union is Pandora's Box except there's no hope at bottom. It's been opened by all those self-important leftie egalitarian sandal wearers who unleash their superior liberal values on us all, but refuse to accept any blame for the inevitable social chaos it causes, as they can't see the friggin mess from so high up in their ivory towers.

Bite down on something people...I'm afraid this is going to hurt us much more than it will hurt them.

Heroes and villains

Today's man of the day is Rupert Murdoch. Our spirits were low this morning as we had to go the big house and that's always a depressing time, but they were lifted when we heard howls of outrage from the lefty media and the BBC in particular over the BskyB take-over.

How the BBC has the neck to whinge about supposed media monopolies when they are funded by a compulsory tax is beyond me. Unless they have the cheekiest driest sense of humour or have no understanding of irony I can only assume they're just the miserable pinko fuckers I always assumed they were and they can get the fuck out. I'm right too about Bagpuss being a euphemism for communism.

He may have destroyed the substance of every sport his silly sports channels have any gotten hold of, but we can forgive Mr Murdoch these ills so long as he's busting up egos at the Beeb. It's about time the right side of the political debate was represented more robustly anyway and if a few newspapers on the other side happen to fall by the wayside in the process well we'll just have to manage without them.

It's precisely because no one is reading them that they're in a position to go bust anyway that's what I always say. If the Guardian's parent company for example hadn't been so efficient with it's tax evasion they couldn't possibly survive given their pathetic 200,000 readership. Most of whom are too busy eating humus and congratulating themselves on being so friggin' superior to read it all anyway.

* * *

In other news I'm now beginning season 5 of Smallville. I still think Clark should have told Lex ages ago about his abilities. He could have protected him. I'd like to be Lex. Unhinged, but with billions of monies so it's OK. Like Murdoch just less wrinkles. I mean he might experiment on people without always asking them first, but it's all for the greater good. He's the real hero of the show.

Most heroes are flawed anyway. We just choose to ignore those flaws. As Lex rightly pointed out earlier today even King David one of the earliest of heroes who defeated Goliath with his sling was a duplicitous adulterous whore monger. But they don't tell you that in Bible school.

They don't say, now then children after defeating Goliath King David went on to mutilate the genitals of a couple hundred Philistines, then got his mates wife up the duff and sent him off to fight in the most dangerous battle occurring at the time so he'd die and he could have his Keithy Cheggers widow all to himself. They skate around that part.

Even JFK almost missed getting shot in Dallas because he was hanging out the back of a strumpet earlier in the day as Richard Keys would say and almost missed his bus to the airport. One man's hero is another man's sandwich. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, I digress...so yes. Season 5. Smallville. Good stuff. Lois had to work as a lap dancer as well today and that also raised my spirits and I became semi-erect.

* * *

Chapter 4, how Gordon fucked the English forever: Gordon
enjoying wife Sarah's book yesterday

Thursday's villain was in fact Sarah Brown. She was a guest on the Richard Bacon radio show to promote her book which details her experiences as she sat idly by and watched her husband fulfill his life long ambition to fuck England up forever.

She apparently is OK with making money out of her husbands hapless mismanagement of the economy over 13 years. She sees no problem exploiting Gordon Brown's annihilation of Britain's ability to function as a going concern, so while the next few generations live off bread and water without a police force, education system, proper energy reserves or a health service to speak off, the Browns will be quite comfortable thank you very much living off his gigantic pension, the money he stole from the nation in the form of a salary he so obviously did not deserve plus all the other millions he's squirreled away via networks of complex fraudulent embezzlement.

Thursday's c**ts

What I'd like to know right, what I'd like to know, is why the fuck is Call me Dave in the Middle East? What's he think he's playing at visiting Egypt now? If he wants to look all statesmanlike why doesn't he go to Afghanistan and sort our mess of a war out before dealing with tribal squabbles in Africa that have nothing to do with us. Gaddafi I'm sure doesn't even know who David Cameron is.

I know Dave reads my blog cause I know his cleaner and she saw my URL in his history file when she was being nosy. So listen up..we are at war Dave. War! Guns, bombs, fighting, rations, soldiers etc. War. We are at war as we speak and you never ever talk about it. Perhaps this is why you seem to forget about it. Like how people lock their kids in their bedrooms while they're packing the car to go on holiday to keep them quiet and end up leaving without them.

I've never been able to understand how this Government or the previous one have been allowed to be so dismissive of the occurrences in Afghanistan. Why do our news media not constantly harass them about this? Cause they don't give a shit either I suspect. If it became a big deal they'd have to go out there too and we can't have that now.

We're obviously getting our arses whupped. If we were winning and Afghan civilians were constantly showering our troops with gifts and their jizz then it's all we'd hear about. As the opposite is true and the top brass are all just trying to figure out a way of retreating out of the place without admitting defeat, we don't hear a bean of news from the place.

I'm not asking for much, just something more than the 30 seconds or so Call me Dave uses before PMQs to announce the most recent dead and remind us how brave and courageous he thinks they all are. Utter c**t. The truth is he won't go anywhere really dangerous as there's too much risk of his face peeling off and the scaly terror beneath exposed to the world.

I hope he picked up some tips in Egypt on dealing with mass civil unrest as I suspect there's going to be some here in the not too distant future. It won't be long before everyone realises we're all doomed and aren't rich after all.

First people can't afford to full up their cars with petrol, then they can't afford to eat three times a day and that is when everyone will wake up. Oh yes. They say deprive a society of three meals and you'll have anarchy. It's especially true when half the nation is obese and can't go ten minutes without consuming a dozen doughnuts. I'm telling you, there's something in the breeze people and it's not one of my enchilada farts.



In unrelated news. Whisky drinkers can be quite snobby bitches can't they? Have you experienced whisky snobbery? It's quite nasty. I for example will tease people for drinking whisky with ice as it's very American, but I don't really care.

Whisky snobs do. They won't even let you drink it with coffee and cream which is of course yum. According to these people if you don't drink it neat you're a nancy boy and you don't really like it. If you have to add things to it you don't really like it, so just don't drink it they say.

Nonsense. Does that only apply to whisky? People add things to everything. They don't howl at people eating pizza for not just eating a block of cheese on its own. If you have to melt cheese on a pizza and add sausage and mushroom, then obviously you just don't like cheese so don't eat it.

I wonder sometimes what with all the c**nts in the world how my dander ever goes down I really do.

So much for the happy ending

I know the good people of Egypt read my blog, although not at the moment, so I say this with the greatest of respect and not in anyway meaning to make light of their struggle for a freer more democratic society, but in real terms it has to be said it was a bit naive of them to assume Mubarak would resign because they wanted him to and told him so in great numbers.

I'm no expert on Egyptian history or politics of course, not like all these people in the papers who insist on giving us their opinion, but I do know that when an Autocrat has built up a fortune of some £40b from plundering his nation's treasures and has a military paid for by the United States, they tend to be harder to remove than the red stain from cricket whites after keenly contested test match.

Notice that when the guy in charge is a Western puppet it's up to the Egyptian people to decide their own fate. When the dude in charge is not an ally of the West, as in Iraq and Afghanistan, we have a moral duty to step in and sort these despots out and set the people freeeeee.


The problem with this protest of course is there's no one actually leading it. They don't have a sort of Nelson Mandela type figure at head to take speak to the media, and explain the point of the protest and most importantly to take over from Hosni Mubarak.

So really it's a battle of wills and Mubarak will win. He's just got to wait it out and he's playing it perfectly. Sooner or later these people will have to go back to work, they'll get bored or frustrated and drift off in twos and threes.

Mubarak has a £40b to finance his resistance. He has more motivation than any one individual Egyptian and he has more incentive to try to and outlast the protesters. He can continue to use police brutality and bribery to slowly but surely strangle this entire protest and there's nothing anyone can really do about it.

The Western media of course should be ashamed of themselves for their part in this, feasting on this like some sort of blood sport...you know they don't care about these people, they're all just secretly praying for a massacre.

Friday round up

A protester in Egypt who is not Cesc Fabregas
despite what David Moyes would have you believe.

What's happening to the world? It's all gone cwazy. The Middle East is imploding, America is freezing and depending on who you listen to, Queensland in Australia is either sinking because of man made global warming or being punished by the Lord for decriminalising homosexuality in the 1990s.

On that last one in fact, according to my calculations it's 7% more likely to be God's punishment than AGW, but that's a discussion for another day. Here in the Englands it's very very windy and I'm just now hearing that the Subway place has run out of Chipotle Southwest sauce just as I've discovered a taste for it. What the hell is going on man?

Everything was OK in the world up to about 1982 when Argentina invaded the Falklands. I was 7 years old. My school work was good, I was popular, I was also probably the best player of 'Junior Angler' in the world.

Then after April when the Argies invaded everything seemed to go wrong not just in my life but with the whole world.

There was the unfortunate business with Sarah Colley and my subsequent exiling to the naughty table.

This in turn meant I lost touch with friends, I lost my sparkle and with it my interest in Junior Angler. I went off the rails quite frankly and I was never really the same. And as if I was some sort of physical embodiment of everything, the world also began to break apart.

Despite the defeat of the filthy Argies I don't think the UK was ever the same and because the UK set the tone for the World, the entire globe suffered. It's all the fault of Sarah Colley. Everything we're witnessing now can be regressed back to my time in Primary School and Sarah Colley telling tales. Bitch.

* * *

I've just been putting together the final touches to my new Pigeons game strategy. As I've mentioned on twitter it's an avian based strategy this week quite apt for the location. This week I'll be looking to better utilise the Canary raise and the Cuckoo squeeze in conjunction with paying attention and looking at my cards.

Canaries as we know were once used in the mining industry to test dangerous mines for noxious fumes. They'd send them down the shafts and if when they pulled them out they were still alive, they'd know it was safe to send humans.

A canary raise works in much the same way and is a part of the feeler bet family of bets, but can also be used pre-flop out of position while holding junk. If not met with resistance we can then assume it's safe to send in a proper wager on later streets.


We'll also be seeking to deploy the Cuckoo raise, which is essentially a slow played hand or a squeeze bet but with a funnier name. A tactic I haven't used often enough. Cuckoos as we know don't build their own nests they just take nests built by other birds.

In a poker context we essentially let other players bet for us and when they have built the pot to a sufficiently large level, we swoop in and steal it.

I see no reason why I shouldn't win, but in case we don't I've prepared a back up strategy based around traditional biscuits.

* * *

The inaugural 'Puto de la semana' award on the side bar has been fiercely contested. Richard Hammond, Sally Bercow and Bill O'Reilly are all equally deserving, but I have decided to award it to David Moyes.

Mostly because his moment of whoredness has lasted all week. Indeed it's continuing as we speak with his whiny Fabregas complaints. Keep going you ginger whore and you might win it next week too.