News and sport

An Apple college nerd in the US of States attempted to commit suicide in New York's flag ship Apple Store last week by pressing down on his head and poking his belly button.

Brandon Woykowsky 20, of Yonkers, NY had apparently failed to come to terms with the death of Steve Jobs and the fact that he bought his iPad3 a day after it's release.

Store "Genius" Jossy Okinowya was on hand to re-boot Mr Woykowsky in time to prevent any loss of memory.

Ironically, still burdened with painful memories he then went home and shot his parents before turning the gun on himself.

I love a happy ending.

* * *

The "Special" relationship between the UK and the US of States has taken an even more one-sided countenance over the past few months it has been admitted by the Foreign Office.

"They don't give an actual fuck about us," conceded the FO. I'm paraphrasing, but the set-up at the moment is we'll follow them like a love-sick puppy into the really horrific Vietnam type wars which last a generation and destroy entire countries and leave hundreds if not thousands of lives in ruin not to mention the countless families destroyed by the losses and injuries sustained by our Forces.

Meanwhile, the US of States won't even lift a fucking finger to help us in what would be a piece of piss Argentina type war, lasting about a sodding week if we had the proper assistance from our supposed fucking allies who really owe us a favour wouldn't you say?

"So erm..this is what you meant by assisting me in battle? Playing table tennis?

I was thinking more about wiping Argentina off the face of the map."

* * *

Lovely to see that all crime now is down. All the figures add up. Crime is definitely down. The figures show it. And of course there is no other means of measuring the level of crime. Except perhaps going outside.

Might the crime figures have gone down because no one calls the Police anymore when they need assistance? No one reports crimes anymore because it's pointless. The police won't get your stuff back for you if you've been burgled or mugged.

If you've been beaten up, the worst is over and you know the Police won't find who did it despite it featuring on several CCTV cameras so you might as well just go home.

The Police will tell you to be more careful next time. They will tell you to get locks on your windows, or not to walk down a particular street at a particular time of day, even if that path is your from path and the time of night is when you're getting home from work.

They will tell you how to cope after a crime with all manner of help lines. They won't prevent crime. They stopped doing that when it was considered better to use them to protect the state rather the people.

To assist the general public there's usually only four of them now covering most of the southern part of England. And the guy who covers the North of england won't go out when it's raining because his windscreen wipers don't work.

"What's your emergency please?..Sorry we don't really respond to rapes anymore.

What are you wearing love? Do you think you might have deserved it?

Why not wear something more conservative next time you go out? Alright darlin ta ra..."

* * *

A group of Liverpool fans confused by all the recent memorials and remembrances and minutes applauses were arrested in Poland this afternoon after staging a protest outside Auschwitz-Birkenau demanding "Justice for the 6,3445,234."

Craig Haldall 42, from Bootle screamed in a foamy mouthed Scouse dialect that can only be properly understood when heard from a distance,

"dee can arrest us all dee want, but I won't stop seekin' justice until the entire top brass of the South Yorkshire police force are held responsible in a European tribunal at the Hague for the deaths of 6 million Jews exterminated during the holocaust."

"You'll never walk alone my 'eeebrew brethren,..people think it were Gerry and the Pacemakers who first sang that first, but it were Moses weren't it."

* * *

Sport now and Chelsea hopefully have deluded themselves into thinking they can actually qualify for the Champions League final after somehow beating Barcelona last night despite having only 20% of the possession.

Much the same way Arsenal beat them last year in fact, only to get absolutely hammered in the second leg at the Nou Camp.

Hopefully Chelsea will rest everyone. Including Didier Drogba who not only always scores against Arsenal, but it fast becoming the most despicable player in World football.

He is a remorseless diving woman. And despite his size he is also very effeminate. I actually think he's a whoopsie. He's got a gayness about him. His facial expressions, his appalling pony tail, his love of the theatre. I know he's married, but so is Ian Rush.

It's just so rare you find one with such a devastating right foot. Usually they're left-footers.

Looks like a goal to me?

Er...a goal, yesterday

I've been staring at this ages and I still think it's a goal. I therefore conclude that where Totterington are concerned there is no need for goal line technology. Tee hee.

I know I know, I'm being childish. It's too important. Referees ruining the game. Sperz would not have lost 5-1 had that goal not stood etc etc. Bloody FA Luddites.

The ref has cost Sperz a more dignified 4-1 walloping and that is farcical. And all the 4th official had to do was look at a monitor. When are the FA going to drag the officiating of the game into the 21st century?

Saturday wagering

So of course as it's the Grand National today it only seems right that we back the winner. So, I've had £35 of your earth monies on West End Rocker. My tactics for backing horses in the National are very simple;- must be carrying less than 11st, cock of no more than 20", not less than 14/1 in the betting, no decent Cheltenham form and no criminal record. This year only one selection stands out. Easy money.

Bet: West End Rocker 17.0

We've changed tactics in our football wagering this weekend. We're abandoning the standard Saturday Yankee and from now on will simply bet against Manchester United and Manchester City in their respective league games as they are both shit.

Both teams are so offensive to me in how unworthy they are as Champions that I find it hard to keep my food down when they're on telly. If I'm to endure game after game of these two squads of over-paid pukes from now until the season concludes, each trying to outdo the other in miserable averageness, then I at least want compensating finically for it. That's what I always say.

Generally the opposing teams are massive prices too so there's no reason why we won't be able to afford cars made out of gold by the time Manchester slump to their 7th successive loss on May 13th away to crazy man Martin O'Neill's Sunderland.

Bets:

Aston Villa (win): 17.0

Norwich (win): 7.0

It's the FA Cup semi-finals also of course and assuming the city of Liverpool isn't too grief stricken over events some 23 years ago to get the game on then really this ought to be a penalty kick for Everton as Liverpool are as bad as Blackburn and only slightly better than Wolves.

However, Liverpool are the luckiest team on the history of football when it comes to cup competitions and for this reason alone they will probably find a way to win 3-0. Kenny Dalglish will then smugly ask everyone who thinks he's shit (which is everyone) what the problem is.

In the other fixture Chelsea will win 3-0 and deserve to as, despite being favourites, Totterington are such appalling creatures that I think I'd rather be molested by a close friend of the family than gain financially from their success.

Bets:

Liverpool (win): 2.74

Chelsea (win): 2.86

Good luck with all your bets.

Wagering

So,... it's Saturday so it's obviously time to have as big a mug punt as possible. And today is no exception.

I've had a throw away £20 on Sunderland to win as their price of 17.0 is almost as crazy as Martin O'Neill.

I simply cannot accept that Sunderland would only win one confrontation in seventeen against a Man City team who are feeling the pressure and without their best player who has injured his foot having suffered an allergic reaction to Joe Hart's nail polish.

I haven't got the figures back from the lab yet, but I'm pretty sure that crappy teams are priced unflatteringly when they play "big teams". I don't think a team like Swansea for example should ever be 7/1 against any other team in the Premier League regardless of where the match is played.

In a two horse race, even when one of the horses is from Wales, I don't think the disparity between top and bottom of the league can justify a price of that size in a one off game. What I like to do for fun and because it might win me enough money to buy an inexhaustible supply of Pop Tarts, is to seek out a week when there's a bunch of these types of games in one weekend and lump them all together in a Yankee or some such multi-way concoction.

And why not?

So this week, the Sunderland bet has been invested in singularly as it's so big. So our Yankee mug punt of this weekend comprises; Swansea (7/1) to beat Sperz, West Brom (7/2) to beat Everton, Norwich (4/1) to beat Fulham and finally Aston Villa 4/1 at home to beat Chelsea.

This pays nearly £9,000. Just enough for a very disappointing pasty and tank of petrol.

* * *

I understand Villa fans are planning a minute's applause for Stilian Petrov, recently diagnosed with cancer, at the 19th minute of the game.

I like this idea. It's a far more appropriate way of fans showing support to their players whose lives are turned upside down by illness and the general unpredictability of life.

Anything pre-match should be reserved specifically for marks of respect for the deceased and Delia Smith addressing Norwich fans with her foul-mouthed incoherent motivational speeches when she's shit faced.

Ryo

On the day celebrating St Patrick removing some snakes from Ireland it seems appropriate to place a decent wager on Bolton removing Totterington Hotspuds from the FA Cup. However, they're a lucky bunch of sexually conflicted tax dodgers up at N17 and it wouldn't surprise me if they found a way to win this evening.

With that contingency in mind I shall instead be wagering on on-loan Gooner Ryo Miyaichi to score in 90 minutes at 5/1. Just as Jack Wilshere impressed during his on-loan spell at Bolton, Ryo has also shown them oop north how to play the game and I shouldn't think he'll have any problems scoring against a Spuds defence less convincing than Harry Redknapp's "the dog ate my receipts" tax evasion excuses.

Elsewhere I quite like the idea of Norwich beating Newcastle if you don't mind my saying so. This is due in part to Alan Pardew being incompetent and an enthusiastic peeping Tom and I desperately would like to see him working in a Tesco's warehouse in Aberdeen. Norwich are a decent side too.

Finally out of spite I shall probably have a few Earth monies on Sunderland at 3/1 to beat Everton. The reasons for this are threefold. 1. I cannot abide the respect charlatan David Moyes enjoys from the football media and people in pubs who stand up at the bar despite there being plenty of seating available.

David Moyes has won nothing in ten years. Why is he considered to be one of the better managers in the country? Why should Everton fans have not enjoyed the same success and progress as Arsenal fans have under Arsène Wenger? When Arsène arrived they were similar sized clubs, similar sized fan base. They've probably spent similar amounts on players in the ten years. Would not surprise me in fact if Everton had spent more. Awful Scotch ginger haired uninspiring time waster.

2. In a one off FA Cup fixture I see no reason why a Martin O'Neill lead Sunderland can't win. Sunderland are a place above Everton and at 3/1 this has to be value. 3. I want to profit from Everton's failures. I'm actually not that keen all of a sudden on Sunderland winning now as they're focusing on Everton on Soccer Saturday as I type this, but I will invest my monies nonetheless.

Good luck with all my bets.

David Moyes pretends to kiss a trophy yesterday

Nam day 2

Luckily we were able to finish day one of Cheltenham without backing anything that had to be destroyed. Last year I think my first bet of the festival ended up in the glue factory and a couple of my other selections soon followed. I was nicknamed Dr Death in the pub if I recall correctly.

Let's see if we can be as fortunate again today and dare I say even pick a winner?

In this amateur nonsense to begin the day I've gone for Universal Soldier at 12s.

The Neptune Novices I'm on Cotton Mill at 10s.

The RSA Chase I've backed Bob's Worth at 7/2 which I have in a double with Sizing Europe at 4/5 in the Queen Mammies.

Depending on how these awesome selections fare I may just have a punt on the Chelsea Naples game tonight. Can't wait for this one. Surely the old school Italian mafia can defeat the new money Russian Mafia?

I'm just hoping a series of stories about missing players and coaching staff begin appearing the papers eventually concluding with a series of gruesome pictures of them all being shown Goodfellas stylee in big freezers with their throats cut, or being dragged out of the Thames sporting concrete boots.

Arsenal set sights on European domination

Lukas Podolski gets himself sent off and then grabs his own

coach by the throat to ensure a lengthy ban and the avoidance

of injury until his move to Arsenal, yesterday (this really was yesterday)

There was a time about eight or nine years ago when Arsenal were vilified by the press for being too dirty. That seems ridiculous now, but back in the day the boys were getting sent-off left right and centre for all sorts of violent conduct. Sometimes, if Gary Neville was close by, they couldn't even wait until they were on the pitch so started scuffling in the tunnel.

Mostly it was Patrick Vieira and Martin Keown. But like the goal scoring, they spread the red cards around the team. It could be Dennis Bergkamp, Lauren, Jens Lehmann and sometimes even Robert Pires.

Arsenal players were considered so dirty they even brought in a rule for us where by you could get sent-off just for intent to foul so they could get our chaps off the pitch before anyone got seriously hurt. They got Dennis on that charge against Liverpool if I recall correctly and Patrick against Man United for swinging a leg at Ruud van Nistelrooy.

Total football is nice and everything and it's impressive watching a bunch of teenage Spaniards whizzing about the pitch, putting five past Blackburn every year, but with the recent acquisition of Per Mertesacker and tapping up of Lukas Podolski I much prefer the idea of taking a squad full of unhinged squarheads up to Stoke and seeing how their midfielders like compound leg fractures for a change.

Arsenal v Milan

The thing about beating Milan tonight by the twenty or thirty goals or whatever the total is the boys need in order to qualify for the privilege of getting knocked out in the next round, is that it's not really the goals they have to score that's the main problem.

The main problem is stopping the spaghetti munching, Gucci pyjama wearing Vespa riders from scoring twenty or thirty goals themselves. If the chaps concede one goal they'll need six and Arsenal haven't kept a clean sheet for twenty five years.

Why play the first team? Why risk putting the remaining healthy players of the squad in the physio's room with all the other crocs just to attempt to win an essentially unwinnable game? And which only leads to one more round anyway of a tournament we can't win anyway cause of all the teams left in who are even better than Milan.

Also of course it'll destroy the morale or squad if they put out a strong team and lose 4-0 again.

They obviously need to be competitive as they'll be 60,000 Gooners who have all paid at least a bullseye to watch the game at the stadium so their wives can watch Eastenders in peace at home and you can't surrender to Italians in all good consciousness, but they shouldn't go balls out to try and get the goals that would see them qualify.

Nope. Just win the game. Win the game but sod the Champions League qualification. This way it keeps up the momentum that has been built up in the league recently and you don't lose to Italians again. Thus we've beaten Totterington, Liverpool and Milan and that sets us up to see the rest of season out and finish third.

There's no disappointment either. We've already accepted we're out of the Champions League after the capitulation at the San Siro. Score two goals in the first half, get Robin off and Theo off and whoever the third most fragile player is and then defend for dear life in the second half.

Easy. Hoo roo!

Stuff of the week

Well if you must know what I've been doing recently I'll tell you. It's been mostly a time of watching the first season of Baywatch and all the things that that entails. I have begun researching the Cheltenham festival. And finally I've really enjoyed the beginning of Totterington's annual free fall from a promising league position offering dreams of Champions league football and domination of North London for decades to comes, to a final finishing position of about 6th offering trips to Poland and Turkey on a Thursday evening.

As far as the old gambling goes it's been rather an indifferent period. I was able to figure out that Costa Rica would beat Wales. However I forgot that that meant nothing unless I actually had some monies invested in the 5/1 shot.

I was unable to win the Pigeon's game yesterday as I thought it was Saturday and therefore didn't play. However I will be able to win millions on this week's European fixtures. Or as Roy Hodgson calls them, "Ooorwoopean Games."

Arsenal of course will not qualify but they will win the game. Chelsea will be lucky to get through the 90 minutes without Roman Abramovich tying the manager up with piano wire and demanding answers as to why Napoli are 6-1 up on aggregate...and in fact Manchester City will lose to Sporting Lisbon of all teams. Crazy!

At this time I must eat a sammich. Good luck with all your bets.

Hoo roo.

Arsenal 5 Totterington 2

Now that's more like it. You didn't have to be an Arsenal supporter to feel that life affirming warmth on Sunday watching a tax dodger's collection of overrated monkeys from the colonies and sexually indiscriminate parvenu's from all over the place receive an absolute pasting from a fine upstanding band of heterosexual family men.

Of course from an Arsenal perspective this result will mean nothing if the chaps return from the northern hellish lawless badlands of Merseyside next weekend without any points or hubcaps, but we can still allow ourselves at least for a day to drink in the misery of that infestation crawling around our stadium from N17 yesterday.

From these Star of David waving, circumcised cocked, Kosher food eating verminous celebrations..

28min: Arsenal 0-2 Tottenham

To this; who amongst us can't be both appalled and elated in equal measure by this ménage à trios of abject incestuous misery?

FT: Arsenal 5-2 Tottenham

Obviously there will never be a time when Arsenal's whole season is considered a success just because we have beaten Totterington. Those is the low standards of our entirely uncivilised neighbours from N17. Arsenal of course set a different standard. We do not launch celebratory DVDs for a single matches or consider one season from sixteen as proof that a shift in power has occurred.

However, we must be cautious. However absurd the notion, we must never entirely dismiss the possibility that Tottenham might finish above Arsenal this season. As they are only seven points ahead at the moment, that seems almost impossible, but we must still never take anything for granted.

Enjoy yesterday of course. But once this typically pointless international round of friendlies is over we must concentrate fully on putting Totterington exactly where they deserve to be. Sort of 12th.

Good man, get it out of your system for tomorrow we go to work

You dirty northern bastards

North London derby this weekend. Not happy about this at all. Can't cope with the stress.

Whatever happened to the days when Tottenham at home was a guaranteed three points?

Whatever happened to the days when they were lucky if they finished in the top half of the table and Arsenal were unlucky if they weren't Champions?

I really like those days. A simpler time. A better time. Not like now though. Now everything's changed. Tottenham are better than us, women are playing rugby, everyone's eating French apples.

Can we not just for this weekend restore some normality to our lives and have the Arsenal give this stinking bunch of de-evolving scumbags and absolute pasting on Sunday?

Is that too much to ask? I'm not asking to win the fucking lottery am I? We're not that bad yet. Just a decent 3-0 thrashing. And maybe 2-3,000 of their fans losing their lives on the way home some how.

From a betting point of view I'm not going anywhere near this game. I should think the next game I will invest proper monies in will be England's friendly with Holland. Managed by Stuart Pearce I can't see how England don't lose by at least two goals.

He is quite simply the most emotionally disturbed individual currently involved in the professional game. He is absolutely mental. No control over his emotions whatsoever. You can't have someone like that coaching professional multimillionaire Prima donna footballers.

You can't have someone who actually thinks of football as real war screaming at 20 year olds who think of football as something they do for 90 minutes at the weekend which inexplicably they get paid millions for.

Stuart Pearce is a nutter who actually cries if he loses. That is someone with no perspective on life and is therefore not qualified to do anything except be a security guard for a big company where he can pretend he's in charge of the whole place and have lots of keys dangling from his belt.

England couldn't beat Holland even with good players and a proper sane manager, but with the team they will put out and Stuart Pearce threatening to kill them all at half-time I'm lumping on Holland and no mistake.

I know I was this enthusiastic about Spain beating England, but Spain would/should have won that game and they would have won too if Pearce was in charge. He's only got a job with the other teams because no one's courageous enough to say no to him.

Champions League

It's a funny old business this Champions League. I don't care for it myself. It's a two bob cup. I'd much rather finish fourth in the league and qualify for the Champions League than than win the er...Champions League.

However, from a betting point of view we have an excellent opportunity this evening to do our bollocks. Obviously as a Napoli fan I see no other conclusion to this evening's Anglo-EyeTalian confrontation than a satisfying 3-0 victory and then after the game maybe 10-15 Chelsea fans in hospital with knife wounds to the legs and buttocks.

However, at a price of 23/10 I'm starting to quite like the idea of investing a few shillings on a Chelsea win. Granted Chelsea are shit. But domestic form often does not translate to European competitions. I know no English team has won at the San Paolo stadium, but not many have played there in the Premier League era.

And I know that a lot of Chelsea fans are fat bastards, but the calling card buttock slash wounds from the Napoli Ultras can still be possible if the initial stabbing motion can penetrate deeply into the arse flesh.

I can see Chelsea winning tonight despite the club being in disarray. However, by way of playing it safe, I'm going to have a sneaky £20 on a red card being shown at 5/2 and a penalty being awarded at 9/4.

I shall also be on overs (2.5), with some other results tied into a naughty little yankee; A draw between Moscow and Real Madrid and Marseille and Inter and finally a win for the Squareheads against Basle.

And why not?

Doh!

Just managed to place the same 47/1 bet twice. Silly internets. I now need Wolves to win, who are 1-0 down and a red card to be shown in the Aston Villa Man City game to prevent a seethe.

The good news is of course I will have thousands of pounds to spend at about 6pm tonight.

Ooooh Wolves have scored as I type.

Saturday wagering

Liverpool introduce new kit mid-season. Angry parents on Merseyside

claim a full set of robes will cost almost two thirds of a week's benefits.

Feel a bit fucked off today really so I'm hoping Manchester United and Liverpool's game at lunch time is really really violent. I want it to include a variety of unsavoury moments and at least three players who need oxygen and morphine administered on the pitch.

If my sources are correct Liverpool are planning on sporting a one off kit for the occasion to 'get under Patrice Evra's skin' or words to that effect. I think i'll have a few shillings on a red card being shown in the second half and over 11 corners.

*Other wagers today will involve a few quid on Newcastle at 6s to beat Tottenham. I can't have Newcastle 5th in the table being a 6/1 shot against a Tottenham team about to lose their manager and with a lengthy injury list. And obviously the standing reason to bet against Tottenham; them being all horrible cunts.

Good luck with all your bets.

Update*: cunts.

Fab

Just for the record for anyone who thinks Capello was a failure; England historically win about two thirds of their matches. Say 66%. Capello won 67% of his. So he did what he should have been capable of doing according to England's over-all record.

The next guy will do the same. Whether it's Harry Redknapp or Jose Mourinho (who I'm backing at 14s to be the next guy in) or Guus Hiddink or whoever.

England don't have the goods to be champions of Europe or the World Cup unless they get very very lucky. To win they would have to beat too many better countries in successive games and with England's mentality which is always to find a way to lose, this is simply not possible.

If England want to have a successful European Championships or World Cup it's easy, all they have to do is redefine what actually is a successful tournament. Simply don't go into the stupid things expecting to slaughter everyone. Just be happy to have qualified. Let that be the success and think of anything after it as a bonus. Be happy to be there, just like countries such as Belgium and Portugal and Sweden.

Whether England want to believe it or not, that is their level. It's that or be pissed off and inconsolable looking like a cunt in the street with your silly St George's flag hat on pissed as a fart in a ditch and crying cause Germany have won again. I'm afraid I speak the truth England fans.

So there.

Just happy to be here.

Italian abandons sinking ship!

Abandoned at Birth

Captain Francesco Schettino

Fabio Capello

We can see you sneaking out

Harry Redknapp in films..

Escape from Alcatraz

The Shawshank Redemption

The Great Escape

Escape to Victory

Scum

Is this fair?

Obviously we here at the blog care very deeply about the suffering and hardship of anyone associated with Tottenham. But we also care about a fair system of jurisprudence.

As I understand it at Harry's trial eight of the jury members are men. The judge has appealed to them to set aside their football allegiances when coming to their decision and he probably told the women some stuff too...but anyway, if those eight blokes are Arsenal fans or Chelsea fans or West Ham fans, he's fucked isn't he.

Should the man go to jail simply because he was manager of Tottenham even if he is not guilty? Do we really want to live in a country where that can happen. And do think before you answer, as this is serious.

Yes, I do too.

Mug Punting

As it turned out I didn't have a good day yesterday. My bag of sand challenge was essentially over by half-time. Stupid sand. I might as well have another bash at it today however. It's the Superbowl and there's a cornucopia of opportunities to lose money.

I fancy the New York Giants. POssibly because when it comes to the New York v New England area rivalry I am firmly entrenched in the New York camp. The way they talk in New England especially Boston is just ridiculous and there are far too many fake Irish people up there. I mean I know New York has a load of them too, but not nearly as many.

I think instead of hiring a Ferrari for the weekend with my money I fancy I'm going to commission Joe Hill the anamorphic pavement artist to paint one of the walls of my living room. I quite like the idea of having a panoramic view of Vegas on my wall so it looks like I'm in a hotel room. Either Vegas or the shower room of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. I've not decided yet. I think it'll be pricey but now I've got a Onesie I don't really need anything else so why not? That's what I always say.

Joe Hill, yesterday

Anton Ferdinand unhurt by bullet sent in post

Anton's Postman yesterday.

Anton Ferdinand has apparently escaped unscathed after receiving a bullet in the second class post. The round was sent by what police assume to be a racist Chelsea fan (as opposed what other kind of Chelsea fan I'm not sure) last Saturday, reaching the QPR defender late Tuesday afternoon.

Personally I think it's much more likely to have been sent by a disgruntled QPR fan who has to watch his team's defence let in five or six goals every saturday afternoon, but let's not navel-gaze..

Now I'm no assassin, but if I wanted someone dead I'd fire a bullet at them with a gun, I wouldn't send it to them in the mail. By sending this cartridge by second class post the sender has chosen to deliver it in the absolute slowest and least lethal means possible.

Indeed, throwing the bullet at Ferdinand from the terraces would have more success at causing an injury. But by mailing it it will have slipped into the palm of his hand from the envelope at a speed of approximately 3mph.

It's pathetic. I really weep for the future of London's gangsters. Whatever happened to the helcyon days of gunning people down in the street outside pubs with sinister sounding names. Ronnie and Reggie will be turning in their graves.

A street outside a pub where people should

be gunned down properly, yesterday