22 December 2011

D'oh

Alan Hansen, prior to racially complimenting
the coloureds yesterday...or something!?

Classic £40,000 a show Alan Hansen last night on Match of the Day condemning racism in football by using racist language, after orange tinted, fake tanned Gary Lineker asked him whether racism was rife in the modern game and red faced Lee Dixon looked on in horror.

He finished by conceding without a hint of irony that, "there's room for improvement." Not as far as ironic comedy on Match of the Day is concerned though...that was fucking genius.



"No it's not. If you played twenty-five … I think it's better, not only with the players but with the supporters. I think there's a lot of coloured players in all the teams, all the major teams, and there's a lot of coloured players that are probably the best in the Premier League and, as I say, if you look twenty-five, thirty years ago, it was probably in a bad way, not as bad as some of the nations in the Continent, but certainly there's always, always room for improvement." -- Alan Hansen




Awesome


Lesbians are brilliant aren't they when they're nice looking like these two. I'd say nice looking lesbians shagging are in my top five aesthetically pleasing things along with an open fire, a clear starry night, a rough sea and a bombed out French city.

I still don't really 100% accept that lesbianists are for real. I think it's choice rather than biology. Essentially it's like being a vegetarian, you know like a phase, eventually all of them need some meat.

The only female friend I ever had who went through one of these phases managed about six months before she had to confess she missed cock. Those were her exact words..."I just...I missed cock too much."

She was gasping by the time she finally admitted it to herself and she was quite a big girl too..whoever it was who helped her relieve her frustrations her first time back must have had lungs like a racehorse.

I shouldn't think a natural genetic lesbian would join the Navy. A profession requiring her to spend months on end on a ship with about 300 needy cocks. She might insist she's just trying to make it in a mans world or striking a blow for lesbian sisterhood, but I should think it's more likely she just wants to be drenched in buckets of jizz.

21 December 2011

Fashionable contusions


I love how Rocky's bruises here blend in perfectly with his sun glasses. That is facial grooming on a level David Beckham can only aspire to.

16 December 2011

Christopher Hitchens 1949-2011

"Here’s a thing I will say now without hesitation, unqualified and important. The one word that comes to mind when I think of my brother is ‘courage’. By this I don’t mean the lack of fear which some people have, which enables them to do very dangerous or frightening things because they have no idea what it is to be afraid. I mean a courage which overcomes real fear, while actually experiencing it." -- Peter Hitchens

There's a kind of impertinence in mourning someone else's loss. Fannying about on the internet explaining to everyone how saddened you are by the passing of someone you never met or had a conversation with, is a peculiar almost self-indulgent thing. So I hope his family will forgive me if they read my blog, which I'm sure they do else wise where will they learn about sandwiches?, for hi-jacking their loss.

Marco Simmoncelli's death earlier this year genuinely upset me. Very different people, but for the same reasons, Christopher Hitchens' death has also. There are so few people left in this world who are able to think for themselves let alone force other people to think too. Perhaps that's why we describe them as being larger than life, because they lift us above the foggy sluggish tedium of it.

Both men did this in vastly different ways. It is something I admire in people more than anything. Of all the people eulogising over him today I bet I'm the only one comparing him to Marco Simmoncelli.

13 December 2011

Another Manchester United player does not have a drug problem



Darren Fletcher has had to take an extended break from the game because he's Scottish and therefore obviously a heroin addict he's got a poorly stomach. Good luck Darren from all of us here at the blog. That can be nasty.

What treaty?

"LOOK A BIRD": Cameron trying to distract our attention away from the
fact this treaty he's saved us from doesn't actually exist, yesterday.

Has anyone seen this treaty Cameron has vetoed? Has anyone read it? Can it be found online? Or in fact does it not actually exist? What a cunt.

9 December 2011

Misery loves company

They're a funny old business emotions aren't they? Do you ever find you're so fucked off you can't even type out a light hearted text message to someone who is completely unconnected with your current mood?

I had occasion recently to be so pissed off I couldn't even tap out a humorous response to a text message. It was just pressing buttons, but I couldn't find it in me to type them out.

I can only think the section of ones brain that stops one from being a miserable bastard to all and sundry instead of just directing ones anger towards the source has become mouldy from staying in too much.

Thank the lord my Nan didn't contact me at that time.

The End.

4 December 2011

Pardew


Alan Pardew is such an insufferable prat. How does someone so average become so arrogant? As we speak he's trying to insist his team are a "top six outfit" and have proved this by how they have played the last three games.

"Everyone said Newcastle would struggle when they played a decent team," scoffed the appalling cockney twat on Goals on Sunday just now. "Well we've proved the last three games how competitive we are."

Did they 'eck as fook. They had to play both Manchester teams and Chelsea in those three games; they lost 3-1 to City, drew 1-1 with United and lost 3-0 at home to Chelsea.

According to Pardew this is proving everyone wrong and showing how competitive they are? One point from nine, giving up seven goals. One wonders what a thrashing might have looked like if this is being competitive.

That's like saying, "I proved to my wife what a fantastic lover I am by ejaculating after 30 seconds and falling asleep before she'd even had time to wipe the mess off her nightie."

Someone needs to remind him Birmingham were in a similar position to Newcastle at this stage last season. A shit team always does well early on. I still fancy there's enough games left in the season for Newcastle to get relegated.

Hopefully there's enough time also for Pardew to get sacked, lose his house and end up working in a call centre in Dundee with anxious people who should be kept chained to radiators in dank basements.

Harsh but fair.


1 December 2011

Lord ha' feckin' mercy


I was just now reading about this big bastard! Heaviest insect in the world at 70g they said it was. Wing span of 7 inches. Found in New Zealand's north Island. Wait a minute!.....a fecking wing span?

The smegger can fly???

Jesus Christ why was I not told about this sooner? New Zealand isn't that far away for a creature of that size.

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and finding one of these circling above your head. You'd need artillery to bring it down. I feel weak. I need to lie down. Barricade yourselves in people, they could be here at any moment.