News and sport

An Apple college nerd in the US of States attempted to commit suicide in New York's flag ship Apple Store last week by pressing down on his head and poking his belly button.

Brandon Woykowsky 20, of Yonkers, NY had apparently failed to come to terms with the death of Steve Jobs and the fact that he bought his iPad3 a day after it's release.

Store "Genius" Jossy Okinowya was on hand to re-boot Mr Woykowsky in time to prevent any loss of memory.

Ironically, still burdened with painful memories he then went home and shot his parents before turning the gun on himself.

I love a happy ending.

* * *

The "Special" relationship between the UK and the US of States has taken an even more one-sided countenance over the past few months it has been admitted by the Foreign Office.

"They don't give an actual fuck about us," conceded the FO. I'm paraphrasing, but the set-up at the moment is we'll follow them like a love-sick puppy into the really horrific Vietnam type wars which last a generation and destroy entire countries and leave hundreds if not thousands of lives in ruin not to mention the countless families destroyed by the losses and injuries sustained by our Forces.

Meanwhile, the US of States won't even lift a fucking finger to help us in what would be a piece of piss Argentina type war, lasting about a sodding week if we had the proper assistance from our supposed fucking allies who really owe us a favour wouldn't you say?

"So erm..this is what you meant by assisting me in battle? Playing table tennis?

I was thinking more about wiping Argentina off the face of the map."

* * *

Lovely to see that all crime now is down. All the figures add up. Crime is definitely down. The figures show it. And of course there is no other means of measuring the level of crime. Except perhaps going outside.

Might the crime figures have gone down because no one calls the Police anymore when they need assistance? No one reports crimes anymore because it's pointless. The police won't get your stuff back for you if you've been burgled or mugged.

If you've been beaten up, the worst is over and you know the Police won't find who did it despite it featuring on several CCTV cameras so you might as well just go home.

The Police will tell you to be more careful next time. They will tell you to get locks on your windows, or not to walk down a particular street at a particular time of day, even if that path is your from path and the time of night is when you're getting home from work.

They will tell you how to cope after a crime with all manner of help lines. They won't prevent crime. They stopped doing that when it was considered better to use them to protect the state rather the people.

To assist the general public there's usually only four of them now covering most of the southern part of England. And the guy who covers the North of england won't go out when it's raining because his windscreen wipers don't work.

"What's your emergency please?..Sorry we don't really respond to rapes anymore.

What are you wearing love? Do you think you might have deserved it?

Why not wear something more conservative next time you go out? Alright darlin ta ra..."

* * *

A group of Liverpool fans confused by all the recent memorials and remembrances and minutes applauses were arrested in Poland this afternoon after staging a protest outside Auschwitz-Birkenau demanding "Justice for the 6,3445,234."

Craig Haldall 42, from Bootle screamed in a foamy mouthed Scouse dialect that can only be properly understood when heard from a distance,

"dee can arrest us all dee want, but I won't stop seekin' justice until the entire top brass of the South Yorkshire police force are held responsible in a European tribunal at the Hague for the deaths of 6 million Jews exterminated during the holocaust."

"You'll never walk alone my 'eeebrew brethren,..people think it were Gerry and the Pacemakers who first sang that first, but it were Moses weren't it."

* * *

Sport now and Chelsea hopefully have deluded themselves into thinking they can actually qualify for the Champions League final after somehow beating Barcelona last night despite having only 20% of the possession.

Much the same way Arsenal beat them last year in fact, only to get absolutely hammered in the second leg at the Nou Camp.

Hopefully Chelsea will rest everyone. Including Didier Drogba who not only always scores against Arsenal, but it fast becoming the most despicable player in World football.

He is a remorseless diving woman. And despite his size he is also very effeminate. I actually think he's a whoopsie. He's got a gayness about him. His facial expressions, his appalling pony tail, his love of the theatre. I know he's married, but so is Ian Rush.

It's just so rare you find one with such a devastating right foot. Usually they're left-footers.

What treaty?

"LOOK A BIRD": Cameron trying to distract our attention away from the

fact this treaty he's saved us from doesn't actually exist, yesterday.

Has anyone seen this treaty Cameron has vetoed? Has anyone read it? Can it be found online? Or in fact does it not actually exist? What a cunt.

We're doomed. Good luck everyone.

This is what we've been saying here on the blog for many months now. It's every man woman and child for his her and itself. Good luck everyone.

Gone but not forgotten

Ten years since the world became almost unbearably shit because of some whacked out muslims who took time out from stoning women to death for wanting to look pretty to order a team of brain washed monkeys to fly some planes into the World Trade Center.

Funny because it seems longer. That's probably because time only flies when you're having fun. And this after ten years is something the US of States Government still is unable to fathom.

I don't really give a shit about the wider world now that I've retired from it, but as it's ten years I will say this to America as I know it reads my blog...life is not short, life is long, especially if you make the wrong decisions. You made the wrong decisions.

Terrorism is about making people terrified. The clue is in the name. They don't have to be flying passenger airlines into buildings every weekend to achieve it. It's enough if people just think it's possible.

Putting the whole country in lock-down every time a muslim walks through a crowded area with a cardboard box is not the way to deal with terrorism. The way to deal with them is to not even acknowledge them.

The risk is of course actually getting blown up because you didn't frisk absolutely everyone going anywhere at anytime. But the kind of control the US of States's's's Government has sought to impose on their nation is not possible. There is a power great than the Pentagon and Al Qeada.

You see now, I was buying some doughnuts just recently and an old tired looking man in an old coat and some tatty trousers kept up with a bit of string prodded me in the chest and said in a raspy voice..."Have you got some spare change."

After that another man appeared near him as if by magic, like the shop keeper in Mr Benn in fact. He said to me, "life is not something you can control, it's something that happens to you. Much like a fast moving river. If you fall in you have to go with the current. Let it take you. If you fight it you get tired and sink to the bottom."

If to live means to have to duck-and-cover every time you hear Arabic you may as well be dead. That's what I always say. It's worth taking a bomb in the face if it means you can fly somewhere without being molested and pounded with radiation because some security dude needs to see if you have a bomb in your guts.

The US of States have lost the war on terror because they have been reduced to a paranoid terrified bunch of shivering bitches tangled up a web of conspiracy, counter-conspiracy and self-induced known and unknown shadow chasing lunacy.

The conditions of the minds of those in charge of homeland security are beyond treatment. The situation is unrecoverable. The USA would not be affected by another 9/11, as it already is the worst kind of tragedy.

From the idea of a utopian democracy drawn up by the founding fathers built on a foundation of freedom and liberty - the soul's right to breath - to a suffocating, oppressive incarceration where a six month old baby is frisked for weapons at an airport. In two short centuries.


Let us bow our heads and say a short prayer.



Amen.

We're doomed. It's every man for himself people. Good luck everyone.

What's that man's name James?

"Is it a crime to want nice things and then to steal them from the public"

The one saving grace about leftie sandal wearing hummus eating communists is that they are so fundamentally incompetent and consequently every one of their grandiose schemes is doomed to failure from the outset and the grander the plan the more humiliating the failure.

The Soviet Union, for example, really had the capitalist west on the run for a while, but because their ideology was so monumentally stupid it ended in failure with the Berlin wall being hauled down and the humiliation of a string of rock ballads sung by David Hasselhoff.


The recent leftie witch hunt of Rupert Murdoch descended into farce also yesterday as weeks of coordinated smearing from the BBC and the Guardian which had seen the News of the World shuttered and Rupert Murdoch's bid for the remaining shares of BSkyB postponed, was forgotten in an instant when a middle aged, sandal wearing, virgin with an appalling comb over saw fit to launch a unilateral strike against Murdoch senior.

He may have thought his Tiswas style flan flinging hit on octogenarian Murdoch was a fitting and commensurate protest at the seriousness of this entire scandal; people in the sane world however wondered what the fuck the scruffy cunt was playing at and immediately felt a bit sorry for Murdoch.

It wasn't even a successful strike as Murdoch's wife stepped in to give the protester, who has yet to see a grown woman naked, a sound pasting while the police stood at the back preparing a risk assessment.


As this witch hunt descends into farce and in-fighting, the attention of the nation might finally turn to the real news of the continuing violent collapse of the Euro-zone - typical of the manner all of these Heath Robinson projects of social-economic engineering eventually conclude.

There is of course no consolation unfortunately in watching the hopes and dreams of a handful of greedy, sexually deviant, square head and frog politicians who were the architects of the European project go up in smoke.

These hair brained schemes, like communism and China's great leap forward, tend to take millions of lives with them when they eventual collapse under the shear weight of what a bollocks idea there were in the first place. And that means us. We're doomed.

It's just a matter of time before bread costs £250,000 a loaf and then it's beans and cricket gloves and American football pad outfits for us all people. Good luck everyone.

So long farewell

On your bike Cameron

I was only just blogging this morning about how tedious this whole phone hacking thing was and then you suddenly hear that David Cameron might just have to resign and it suddenly becomes mildly intriguing.

Not quite 'exciting' as in real terms it means nothing to how this country is run as we're already controlled from across the Channel by lefty freaks who raise their children to be asexual and insist you can meet the entire continent's energy demands by harnessing the wind power of dives.

However, as David Cameron is largely responsible for destroying the Conservative Party which may have opposed the move to abandon our Sovereignty and national identity that was 1000 years in the making, I will be almost sexually aroused if the sword he lived by - the sword of whoring out his principles to the highest bidder - is the very same sword he is to fall on and finishes him off.

I've quickly had a bullseye at 7/1 with 2011 being the year of the next general election. I suggest you do the same. It's happening people, the end of the world as we know it. The days of us all scavenging in urban ghettos for food and water is almost upon us. It's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

The fable of Rupert and Gordon

Rupert the Australian scorpion was making his way to Tellyland from Newspaperland when he came across the great River Backscratcher. At the banks of the river he saw Gordon the Scottish frog, a half blind dour looking grumpy old sod counting a bunch of money he'd stolen from the local village elders.

"Excuse me," says Rupert, "can you give me a lift across the River Backscratcher to Tellyland please."

"Yes OK," replied Gordon, "I mean, no..OK yes..actually no..I'm not sure." dithered Gordon.

"Please just make up your mind I'm old and in a hurry. In return for a lift across the river I'll kill any of your enemies in Tellyland," promised Rupert. "My venom is incredibly toxic."

"No," frowned Gordon. "If I carry you you'll sting me and I'll die."

"Of course I won't," denied Rupert. "If I did that we'd both die wouldn't we?"

After twenty minutes or further dithering Gordon agreed and Rupert hopped on Gordon's back and they began their journey across the river.

As they approached the bank, Gordon was about to make the big announcement of their successful passage across the river when Rupert raised his tail and drove his stinger down deep into the back of Gordon's head.

"Urrgh you bastard, you utter bastard fucking bastard, why did you do that? I've shit meself!" screamed the betrayed Gordon. "Now we will both die!"

"I'm very sorry, but it is my nature," explained Rupert the Scorpion.

"I will destroy you." vowed Gordon and clasping him between his legs they both sank down into the murky depths of the River Backscratcher never to be seen again.

Couldn't destroy a pork pie, of the day

Gordon Brown was so furious, so upset, so traumatised by the Sun revealing his son had Cystic Fibrosis that he subsequently attended Rebekah Brooks' wedding, her birthday party and hosted a sleepover for their kids at Chequers.

Furious he was. Furious. And at no point did it occur to him that as the nation hated him for being an emotionless monster, he might actually benefit from this story as he might appear more human and win some sympathy.

It would be incredibly cynical to suggest he continued to whore out his dignity to News International after the Sun's revelations about his son as he assumed he would win the paper's support at the next general election when he would be the Prime Minister and it was worth it in the long run.

An assumption that proved to be bollocks anyway as they ditched him in favour of Cameron on the day of his big conference speech. After which Brown then warned the Sun he would "destroy them." Which I assume he's attempting to do now. Only he's so incompetent in everything he does he's actually helping them recover as everyone hates him more than Murdoch.

Twat.

Quote of the day

"Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter." -- Thomas Jefferson

Be careful what you wish for

I'm glad it's Saturday. I've become exhausted from waving my fist at leftie sandal wearing hummus eaters all week. There's less high-horse crusading at the weekends from them. They're all out with their children - who have names like Xenon and Chaos - on grassy hills playing the guitar and harnessing love.

These people have had my dander up for almost the whole week. They're worse I think than religious types with their intolerance of non-sandal wearing love harnesssers (i.e normal people).

To be so insecure in your ideologies, or beliefs that you would prefer to shut down or even kill the opposing voices than engage in a grown up constructive debate is a depressing and rather scary state of affairs.

Lefty types can't seriously believe that a free and democratic society could exist where the only mainstream media available was simply a synchronous deferential mouthpiece for the Government. No one surely is that pig ignorant?

You can't have the freedoms and the liberties these people claim to be seeking where there is no opposition to the megalomaniac, self-serving, Eton educated blood spillers in power. This is what we call totalitarianism. It's like hell only worse as it actually exists.

These people know that their utopian, egalitarian, eco-erotic fantasies are so incompatible with reality that they flatly refuse to engage in any serious debates with Conservative leaning opposition.

They are fully aware that their ideology has no chance of standing up to the least bit of scrutiny, so it is reduced to silencing these voices instead. Usually this can be done by accusing Conservatives of being Nazis. Sometimes it requires something a little more nuclear, like getting the largest selling newspaper in the western world shut down.

And in the not too distant future when we're living in a society where an unreachable, unfathomable, unaccountable, unlocatable EU Government dictates to the press what it can and can't say and we have no voice whatsoever, the lefty sandal wearers won't take any responsibility for this Orwellian hellish nightmare they've created. There's always someone else to blame.

Just as there's always someone else to blame for the collapse or our education system, law and order, and everything else that made this country something to be proud of.

The Guardian and BBC have shamelessly exploited the violation of Milly Dowler and her family's privacy to further their campaign to reduce Rupert Murdoch's influence in UK media. That is as unscrupulous as the journos who messed about with her mobile phone voice mail in the first place.

Their crusade has nothing to do with protecting the privacy of the ordinary every day sandal wearer on the street, it has everything to do with a ruthless myopic obsession with preventing a Conservative voice from owning a TV news channel in this country. A TV news channel that would help keep this country on an even keel and protect the democracy that was a thousand years in the making.

All those hundreds of years spent slaughtering the French only to become France because the tiny Guardian readership will never accept the hypoxia caused by breathing such thin air from the heights of their ivory towers will not allow them to think clearly enough to see through this thinly veiled exploitation of a murdered school girl.

We're doomed. Run for your cueavs people, hide. It's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

Lefty types high on hummus yesterday

The real scandal is that this is a scandal

How can anyone really be genuinely shocked by this phone hacking scandal? Surely the nation cannot be so monumentally naive to think there are depths a tabloid newspaper would not sink in order to sell papers?

It is of course not news to MPs or other journalists. All of them will have been fully aware this phone hacking business had been going on.

They will have to pretend for the next few weeks that it is all news to them and they are physically fatigued by the horror of it all, but of course in reality they are all so indifferent to this that it is all they can do to remain awake when discussing it on the telly box.

Politicians are all corrupt cunts and are now in a fantastically tricky spot. Rupert Murdoch is in many ways Darth Vadar. In return for his support, politicians routinely sell their souls to him. Murdoch agrees to support their policies and hair brained schemes in return for certain expeditious processing of the expansion of his empire.

Like Darth Vadar however, he has the power to alter their deals at will. By sending out his minions - who are like those flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz - to enjoy five course lunches with MPs, he accumulates sensitive information about them all as senior members of Parliament are so intoxicated by the power they enjoy and the monies they've accumulated the have a sense of invincibility.


During their lunches with Murdoch's monkeys they spill their guts and expose themselves - sometimes literally - to what Murdoch might call leverage, but which everyone else calls blackmail.

David Cameron for example will not be able to take News International to task for fear of appearing on the various front pages of it's newspapers detailing all his murky secrets. The response then will be a call for a full independent inquiry, but not before all police investigations have concluded - which may be years - by which time no one will remember any of this and it'll be forgotten.

The lefty press have their own agenda here too. These recent developments have more surely to do with their own rebellion against Lord Vadar (split-infinitive? I'm never sure) than any issues of conscience.

The Guardian and sister paper Woman's Weekly and the BBC especially cannot stand by and let Rupert Murdoch take over the universe, it is no coincidence that it was the Guardian who broke the Milly Dowler voicemail deletion story. They will be desperate to prevent Murdoch taking over BSkyB and this may be a very good attempt at preventing it.

Meanwhile, the really important issues, the things that really matter to us all but we're too stupid to realise that they matter, go unreported as we're constantly been kettled down side streets like this phone hacking nonsense and played like fiddles by the media and MPs.

The European economy as we speak is collapsing. This will fuck us up completely and no one is talking about it. We're at war on two fronts, no one is talking about it. The phone hacking business is a vehicle used by the bandits running the country to keep their shady dealings which are bankrupting us in the dark. Where did this Milly Dowler revelation come from? These things are by design surely. They stop us talking about the really important issues. As the MPs expenses scandal did.

When we're all broke and eating each other to stay alive and the only food in the Supermarkets are dolly mixtures and things with currents in them we'll ask ourselves how no earth this happened.

Well it happened because when we should have been surrounding the Houses of Parliament and hanging criminal politicians for selling the Sovereignty of our nation and our liberty to the Gormans for their own personal gain, we were too business being outraged by the lack of scruples in tabloid journalism.

Repeat yourself much?

This is actually very difficult to watch all the way through. My medical expert in Geneva tells me that Ed Miliband might actually be a proper spastic! Creepy.

Things I love this week and things I don't

So this week it's been an intriguing mix of loving things and really hating things. Let's begin by simply listing the things this week that I have loved and then flesh the post out with further details: Jelly Babies obviously, Sammiches, Victoria Azarenka (Rrrrroooooooooooooooar), Pampas baby wipes.

Now at first glance it's not an extensive list, but it's been enough to keep me occupied. Jelly babies and sammiches are a standing positive so no further discussion needed on them, but Azarenka is someone we only became familiar with when Wimbledon began so let's discuss her.

Going back a few years I seem to recall a male tennis player commenting on how the women players were all pigs. I think he actually did call them pigs. He might have been Australian. And at the time, I think even the women were sort of looking at each other and agreeing he had a point.

These were the days of Arancha Sanchez Vicario who really was more swine than woman. For this reason I've never paid any attention to the women's game, which means I've paid no attention to the game of tennis at all as it is of course a woman's game and should not be played by men.

Fast forward a decade or so and there seems to have been some changes. Where has this new breed of no-pinters evolved from? Were the Vicarios of the tennis world screened out by the tennis authorities via a sophisticated programme of genetic engineering?

They've done a cracking job. It's mostly eastern European and Russian DNA that has been used it seems. There's an evolutionary reason for this, we touched upon on the previous blog. It's something to do with how the eastern European male genes are weaker than the females, as all the strong healthy men from the Soviet Union countries all spent decades at war and left the ugly infirm crazies at home with all the women folk.

So the females, sat at home all pampered and playing nice with each other and their genes became dominant producing millions of blonde 6 footers who all went on to either play tennis or do porn and the men were all deformed 5ft dwarfs with low foreheads and stubby noses predominately called Andrei.

Anyway, so this explains the Azarenka woman. A mixture of warrior and porn star. Awesome. She's engineered to sexually dominate her mate. And when he lays sated and exhausted she then snaps his neck with one hand and inherits all his money with the other. It's a win win situation! If only I was rich, what a way to go.


I also love Pampas baby wipes as they can be used to clean furniture, hands, toilet seats and my face - in that order.

Now then..things this week I've hated. Johann Hari.

I'm taking deep breaths as I type this such is my struggle to remain composed. Where to start..so Johann was caught fabricating his interviews.

Caught however is not the word. He admitted to it, he explained in a blog post how he inserts previous quotes from his interviewees if they're struggling to articulate themselves during his interviews with them.

Ironically I can't fully articulate myself how wrong this man's creativity is without cutting and pasting other peoples thoughts on the matter. He's simply an utter hypocrite and cunt is all I can manage at this time.

He won't accept that his "intellectual portraits" are a betrayal of the most fundamental standards we ought to be able to expect from journalists. This man has won the Orwell prize for fucks sake. How ridiculous does that seem now? Orwell could have written about him.

What reeeeally irritates me about this, is how this lefty hummus eating holier than thou sandal wearing son of a Swiss bus driver, has set himself up as the paradigm of journalistic integrity.

Any right wing journalist caught doing this would be savaged. If Peter Hitchens had been found lifting great blocks of text from all over the place and passing it off as his own he'd be dead by now. They'd have brought back hanging just for him. They'd have shown it after the tennis.

It's all dismissed as justifiable however by the left, if the essential truth, the greater truth is told. Usually only a mad communist dictator in fatigues could use language like this and keep a straight face. What truth? Who's truth? How can something that's been manipulated, altered, doctored, massaged and sexed up be the truth?

Tosser.

It's not for Mr Hari to decide what we ought to be reading or reading into something. If an interviewee is inarticulate, hesitant, or babbling then this in itself is information. It's a part of the interview, part of the truth. The greater sodding truth. You can't just edit it all out and replace it with a polished speech the person made a few years ago because you felt this was what they meant to say...especially when the interviewee is one of your leftie heroes who you want to portray in a positive light.

This is what I hate about lefties. When they are caught red-handed lying, cheating, or just being wankers - everything they indiscriminately accuse Conservative types of, there's always a higher purpose. It's never as bad as something Richard Littlejohn said last week in the Daily Mail.

Well now it seems there's a higher power even than Johann, one reaps what one sows and it is time for him to pay the piper and other mixed metaphors I can't be bothered to lift from Google.

His career is being examined with a fine tooth comb and with every hour that passes new and more astonishing bullshit is emerging. I'm guessing all his Iraq stuff is bollocks, I'm doubting he's been within 50 miles of a war zone. It's likely every serious interview he's ever conducted with have these embellishments in them, or just made up entirely, which makes his entire career a fabrication. I hope he ends up driving his father's bus.

In the black

The strategy for what to do with the monies from selling the 85% share the tax payer has in RBS and the 45% share in Lloyds is clear. The Chancellor simply needs to head to Vegas seek out a roulette wheel where the previous ten spins have been red and bet the entire £100billion on black.

You've doubled your money straight away then haven't you. And there are enough roulette wheels in Vegas to keep doubling up until he's cleared the £1 trillion National debt. Obviously he will need some cunning disguises so the bosses of the Casinos don't clock what's going on. Maybe a comedy tash or massive Sombrero.

Having cleared the nation's debts and maybe saved some you know for when this all happens again next year, he should then distribute the remaining profits to all white middle class people and not Muslims or homosexuals or Greeks thereby securing the next election victory.

Politics = piece of piss.

Doomed

A chap is deep into his over-draft, his credit cards all tapped out. His children all on the game to raise a few quid to pay the outrageous heating bills. While chatting with his neighbour one evening he notices that his house is also in a state of disrepair and his children are quite dirty.

Both men are skint. Yet the neighbour strangely has a Bentley parked on the lawn. Still, our good Samaritan pops over to the bank to ask the bank manager for another loan. "What's it for please?" enquires the suspicious bank manager. "It's for my neighbour, he's got no money and I think I need to help him, it's my duty as a good neighbour" explains our hero.

"How much do you want?" asks the incredulous banker. "About £10,000 should do it."

The bank manager quite rightly spits his tea out and begins laughing hysterically. The laughter soon abates after ten or fifteen minutes and eventually stops. Having composed himself the bank manager walks over to the door of his office, opens it and gestures for the man to leave saying, "Why don't you sod off you mad old cretin. And if you come here asking for another loan before you've given us the £300,000 you owe us I'll have you beaten with a stick. Why don't you ask your chum to sell that sodding Bentley?"


This of course never happened. Even the off-his-rocker mentalist would never try and take out a loan to give to a friend who was cash strapped but had a Bentley to sell when he himself was up to the eyeballs in unpaid bills.

Yet this is exactly what David Cameron is doing by dishing out billions to countries like India and Pakistan in foreign aid. Countries who have nuclear weapons and in India's case, a space programme. But this of course is vital if we're to be a developmental superpower.

And anyway, as we're borrowing about £26bn a month it's only about one half of one month's borrowing to achieve this laudable goal. I've always wanted us to be a developmental superpower. I'd rather we were an actual superpower, as we were about 150 years, but this is the next best thing.

Someone burst Huhne's bubble

Chris Huhne is still not in prison and now he's even talking to the papers about his job instead of hiding behind the sofa. Will someone please kick him to death before we all perish.

Huhne according to my latest figures, is a cheeky mad bastard. He has the barefaced cheek to tell us all that we shouldn't take price increases in electricity "lying down." That we should shop around, hit the power companies where it hurts if price increases are unreasonable.

What of course he ignores here is that he is responsible for electricity now becoming a luxury item and we can't shop around because give or take a few quid all the power companies will charge similar amounts - at the time of writing - an arm and almost a whole leg.

His view of the world makes Michael Jackson's seem quite down to earth. Chris Huhne lives in a bubble, a fantasy world where all our energy needs can be met by harnessing the power of love. It's why he has cheated on his wife so often.

He is leading the way, blazing a trail of love capture. He claims already that through making love to two lesbians while his wife and kids were at home waiting for him, he has been able to power his electric car that can reach speeds of over 85 mph.

It will be a long time before the entire nation is powered by our love of one another however, even Huhne concedes this. Unfortunately his plan in the meantime is to use wind power to meet our needs instead of coal or nuclear power stations.

Power companies under the renewables obligations, a document which is essentially porn to Chris Huhne, must buy 10% of their electricity from renewable sources and pay twice the market rate. This cost is then passed on to us and consequently millions of people are forced to choose each winter between food, clothing or heating.

This will have interesting evolutionary effects. How many generations before we start becoming a lot hairier from birth? With smaller appendages and slower heart rates. We'll be reptiles before the lefty green loonies see sense.

Chris Huhne is the reason why no one can afford to heat their entire homes, but is blaming the power companies as is the standard practice of misdirection employed by all politicians. And it only gets worse, 10% as we speak will be 15% next year and 50% by 2020 or some such madness.

This can of course only happen by bankrupting the entire world. It will require technology not yet in existence and we will also have to find ways of making the wind blow all the time. And none of this unfortunately, is a joke.

We're doomed. It's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

Black

Communists are just brilliant fun. I mean, obviously given enough time they'll kill us all off either through starvation or by sending us completely loopy via horrifically stifling totalitarian control, but apart from that they're brilliant.

I just love how conspiratorial they are. How do they get like that? And then deny it too. A five year boy will eat a plate of recently baked chocolate biscuits, have chocolate all over his face and be throwing up recently eaten chocolate biscuits and still able to claim that it wasn't him that ate them but grown men ought not to be capable of this.

It's only communists that can do this. And since I've resigned from the world and accepted that I have no control over anything and it's every man for himself, I've learnt to embrace the communist. I've learnt to marvel at their ability to write down in their own handwriting how they think someone should be snubbed out and then be filmed secretly explaining to someone exactly how and then once rumbled be able to flat out deny they wrote or said anything.

I can see now how people can be around Ed Balls and not feel either violently ill or overwhelmed by the urge to drive a pencil into his throat hundreds of times while laughing manically and then masturbate while sat in a pool of his blood.

He's brilliant the way he can simply deny absolutely everything without even flinching and he a man who has suffered from that weird blinky affliction from childhood. Simply awesome stuff.

As for Gordon Brown, the depths at which one would have to sink into the dark abyss of his mind to find anything that even resembled a human emotion is knee trembling and matter crushing.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but if you would dare look into Gordon Brown's eyes, or just his one good eye, there is a profound lack of soul, a black nothingness, Paradise Lost made manifest, the death of humanity. Bone chilling, awesome evil. Enough literally to take ones breath away.

What's it got to do with you?

Here's what you do if you're the Prime Minister and the Archbishop of Canterbury has just told you how to do your job. You obviously quote Leuitenant Chard of Rorkes Drift fame (even though that never really happened in my opinion) addressing the mad Swedish missionary who's just told him he's going to get everyone killed, "When I have the impertinence to climb into your pulpit to deliver a sermon, then you may tell me my duty."

Or in plainer English, sod off you mad old duffer.

Not that I have any respect or confidence in David Cameron. No, it's clear we're doomed as he no idea what he's playing at and consequently I'm as keen as anyone to see him tied up with piano wire and machine gunned, it's just that, while everyone is of course entitled to criticise Government policy there is no reason why high ranking members of clergy should be given the PM ears anymore than anyone else or their opinions respected anymore than my postman's.

What does Rown Williams know about education or health or anything else other than the super-natural? He's a theologian. He's no more qualified to tell Cameron how to manage the NHS than I am. In fact I'm probably more qualified than Williams, yet Cameron not only has never answered any of my letters, his legal people have told me I'll be in big trouble if I send him one more horses head!

Listen church people; the only subject you're an authority on is the one you just made up. Anyone can be a Theologian cause anyone can make up a religion. I could be a theologian by this time next week but I'd rather spend my time eating sausage rolls. In fact I could make eating pastry goods a religion, ...Praise be to the Gods of puff pastry.

And yay, he doth prefereth to cook his sausageth rollths in ye microwave as opposed to yon cooker as it's quicker and he doth prefer the softer pastry. And now then, here's how you sort out the NHS, the education system and our armed forces...

Surprise of the day

Apparently Boris Johnson joined the Met police on a drugs raid yesterday. When the suspect was being cuffed and spotted the Mayor of London togged up like Chuck Norris amongst the crowd of policemen smashing his house up he grunted, "what the fuck are you doing here?"