Oh do naff orf

I've just now been hearing from a man in the garage that David Cameroon wants to put a stop to these judges granting injunctions and super injunctions to the rich celebrity types to prevent the media from sharing their sordid sexual perversions with their dwindling readerships.

Dave reckons these judges should naff off if they think they can create this secrecy law just to protect the rich and famous. It's our elected Parliament according to Dave that makes the laws, not judges.

Of course, he's conveniently forgetting here that it's no such thing. Our Parliament exists simply to receive EU laws and impose them on us without so much as a whimper from Dave.

He's as concerned with other bodies other than Parliament making laws as a well known golfer is about injuring his penis while enjoying his sordid fetishes in the bespoke dungeon of some foreign dominatrix.

And you can quote me.

Golf n' Stuff

Has Tiger Woods been getting his "medicine?" I haven't watched too much of the Golf as I just can't bring myself to enjoy the game, however I did see the last few holes of Tiger Woods' round last night and I thought I detected a hint of nasty in his eye.

Indeed it's quite possible that he has put the trials and tribulations of the past year behind him and is once again enjoying violent sex with prostitutes on a regular basis. Only time will tell of course. If after today he's in the top 5 of the leader board I think we can assume he's back in the rough as it were.



Elsewhere in the sporting world it is of course the Grand National today and I was able to get on Quinz at 21.0 a few days ago as it seemed like the thing to do. It was a complete guess but subsequent research has shown we have a good to firm chance of our horse becoming wheezy 5 out and collapsing soon after.

I've felt for some time now, at least since Thursday afternoon that Totternumb were a lay this weekend against the mighty Stoke. There's some disquiet in the camp, they're all knackered after their slaughtering in Madrid and Harry Redknapp's twitch now has apparently become uncontrollable. Indeed he was unable to give a team talk yesterday because of it.

I've also backed Milton Keynes Dons as I've never done that before and finally I've had a few quid on Stromsgodset to beat Odd Grenland in the Norwegian league.

Montgomerie a dirty old bastard?

Montie in Prague earlier in the year?

So it looks like Colin Montgomerie's world is about to implode as well as his colon and not just as a consequence of a sound defeat by the US of States in the Ryder Cup. From various gossiping type sources on the internets it seems he's a kinky old duffer and is investing thousands of monies in lawyers to keep pictures of himself dressed in various S&M get ups out of the tabloids (or specifically the News of the World). Stuff that makes the gimp suit in Pulp Fiction look like formal evening wear.

If the rumours are to be believed he actually has a sparrow loose in his arse as we speak, which was inserted by Lady Xtreme in a brothel dungeon in Prague some four months ago, but which Montie has been unable to evacuate.

Montie denied these pictures existed in an interview in the Mercas in August and insisted the only birdies he wanted to discuss are the golfing sort as he fidgeted uneasily on his chair and a muffled tweeting noise was heard. Interesting exchange however with one of the golfing journo's:

"Q.: Monty, I don't know if you're aware, your old friend, Feherty went on a nationally syndicated radio show yesterday and talked about the existence of a super injunction in the U.K. that would bar some potentially embarrassing personal photos, wonder if you want to confirm, comment, deny the existence of those and how it might affect your captaincy at all.

CM: Yeah, obviously I listened to that radio show and I know a lot of you are having a lot of fun right now at my expense.

Let me clear this up, though, that I can categorically say that there's no injunction against the News of the World. I'm really not going to discuss this any -- any further. All I can say is categorically there is no injunction against the News of the World regarding anything.

I apologize for this, that you have to bring this up, but at the same time, no further -- no further comments from myself on that matter."

Notice, the reporter doesn't actually mention the News of the World by name. Just that there's a super injunction taken out. It's only Montie who mentions that paper specifically. Clearly then it's all true. Dirty bugger.

The legal bills will cripple him financially, yet ultimately there's very little he can do to stop these snaps from appearing in the News of the World eventually so these legal wranglings make no sense to me.

The fact is he just looks like someone that has some appalling sexual fetishes anyway, so any evidence confirming it is no biggie really. Just a case of..meh, thought so.

Aside from this though, if he's prepared to wear some of the sickening daywear Ryder Cup teams are expected to sport, what's the beef with the world seeing you in a leather vacuum suit attached to an unidentified cellmate by rubber testicles hand-cuffs in a bespoke sexual dungeon in someone's basement?

We all have our unique sexual eccentricities. I myself am turned on by [female] newsreaders and sometimes by really really fat women if I've had a lot to drink and not much to eat, but I'd much rather be pictured licking custard of an obese newsreader than snapped waiting to tee off in a beige tank top with salmon undershirt and greenish piss smelling tweed slacks and you can quote me.

Care in the community

Sao Paulo obliged last night, but they made hard work of it. A comical goalkeeping error by Inter's Renan, who made Robert Green look like Gordon Banks, gave the Tricolor a 1-0 half-time lead. As the second half kicked off I found I needed a wee so off I went, only to return to find the score at 2-1!!

It was a lengthy urination for sure, but still two goals in two minutes! Inter had equalised on 52 minutes and then conceded again on 54. Inter were clearly the better team and I was close to needing a poo and no mistake.

Inter were good enough to get a man sent off after 75 minutes and ordinarily this would have eased the pressure on Sao Paulo and my bowels, however as they now needed to win by two clear goals as a consequence of the away goals rule, they were forced to pile men forward leaving themselves vulnerable for a rear goosing.

It never came, phew! Sao Paulo won but were out of the competition thanks to the away goals rule. Internacional will now go on to endure an horrendous slaughtering at the hands of Chivas - first leg of which is on August 11th, the same day World Champions Spain endure and equally horrendous slaughtering at the hands of El Tri at the Azteca Stadium (more on this game in a day or two).


In other football news I have re-invested my haul from this game on a Community Shield wager. I have backed Chelsea at 4.0 to score a goal in both halves. This seems like a generous price to me given how awful Manchester United are. Rio Ferdinand won't be playing, but that doesn't mean they won't be hopeless at the back.

Just take a look at their current squad: here usually such people have a volunteer with them at all times to help them eat soup and get dressed.

If this collection of congenital malformed spud faced chancers (with the exception of Javier Hernández) can be considered amongst the Premier League's best then I'm afraid the standard of football in this country has become comparable with the MLS, we should feel embarrassed and all teams should now have to incorporate a fast-food restaurant or soft-drink company in their name - Aston Villa Star Burgers for example.

* * *

Finally, doesn't Tiger Woods look silly with a goatee. He reminds me of the evil Michael Knight. Having promised to stop whoring around he's essentially given up his super powers just like Superman did in the original movie cause he wanted to give Lois a roasting without harming her. There's some irony here I feel.

Imagine suffering paralysing migraine headaches and not having access to painkillers. You'd never be able to concentrate on anything. Tiger's affliction is his insatiable lust for hookers and various other tramps - without access to his 'medicine' he'll never again be the man who became a golfing legend.

He needs to finalise his divorce thus freeing himself from his chastely shackles and spend about a fortnight in Vegas or his career will be over forever.