31 August 2010

WCOAP main event and why I didn't win it



I am not world amateur poker champion. I am only the 36th best player in the galaxy...assuming poker isn't played on other worlds. I usually tut at people who don't win things and are then magnanimous in defeat claiming they had a good time anyway, but I actually did have a good time anyway.

Some of these APAT events in the recent past have seemed to be a little testy and often bad tempered, but not so this time around. At least on the tables I played on, it was all very good natured and chatty and fun fun fun. Even a man from Sheffield didn't squash me into oblivion or even call me a c**t after our full-house over full-house confrontation late on day 1.

Making the money was good and everything, but the highlight of the weekend I have to say was the group of five or six of the uncoolest Italians I have ever seen.

Hilarious they were. I didn't think there were such things as uncool Italians. Usually they can wear bin bags and look chic, but they were funny, cack-handed and nerdy and I hoped that back in Italy they had their own sit-com.

Also I continue to find players who wear hoodies with the hood up with shades very amusing. I just can't understand how this particular poker fashion came into being.

If these people wore this stuff because it helped their game that would be just about understandable, but you know this has nothing to do with it, in real terms they just think they look bad ass... were as unfortunately, in actual fact, they just look like utter twats.

You can excuse the young whipper-snapper online type kids for dressing this way. Youngsters traditionally have no sense of perspective with clothing. For a lot of them perhaps they are students and for the first time in their lives are not living with their mothers always telling them how to dress, so they rebel and go a little crazy and dress absurdly just because they can.

It is not long however, before they appreciate just why their mothers were so critical...it is because they did not want their progeny being openly mocked by everyone for looking stupid and so they eventually conform to sporting more subdued and appropriate day wear.

There are no excuses though for grown men to sport shades and hoodies at the poker tables though. In what other social setting would you wear shades and hoodie indoors? They are old enough now to know better. And this nonsense is of course compounded by the fact that this is an Amateur poker event, it's not the main event of the WSOP with cabillions of monies at stake.

I pity these poker fashion victims, adorned with millions of poker logos and silly shades and hoodies and massive headphones. Some day you will hark back to the days you went out in public dressed this way and feel a knot in your stomach as it finally dawns on you just how many people must have smirked at you behind your back or openly mocked you on their awesome blogs.

I look awesome: a prat yesterday

* * *

Anyway, moving on now...a couple of interesting hands I shall note here for posterity:

Early on day 1, first level: I am on the button with Kc-6c. A couple of players limp as do I. The small blind is in the lavatory and the big-blind checks his option. The flop is Ac-8c-5c! Hooray, I have flopped the nut-flush. It's checked round to me and I bet a wee little 175. The big-blind calls and everyone else folds.

The turn card is the Ace of spades...not the best card for me. Big-blind checks and I bet 300. The big-blind calls rather quickly, which I am unhappy about. He is Welsh, bald and scary looking.

The river card is the two of clubs. We now have four clubs on the board and two aces. The big-blind bets 1100. I am beat of course, but I convinced myself I could still some how be winning and I re-raise to 2200. I am of course quickly re-popped and it's now 2800 more if I want to see his cards.

I call because I'm curious and stupid. I expect to see a full-house, but he shows me the ball shrinking 3-4clubs, for a rivered one-outer straight-flush. I am down to about 4,500 with about forty minutes gone in the tournament.

Hand 2, Fast forward to the penultimate level of the evening. I have roughly 65K. In the big blind with Qh-9h, with blinds of 1,000, 2000 with a running ante of 200 (I think). A man from Sheffield on the button raises (again) to 5,000. I call and we're heads up.

Flop is Q-8-J rainbow. I check, Sheffield bets 9,000. I call.
Turn is Q. I check (trapping see), Sheffield checks also (also trapping)
River card is 9!! ..my bingo bango card, I bet a tenny tiny 12,000, Sheffield shoves, I call (worried for a second I might not be shown Q-J)...but in fact he has Queens full of eights.

He had turned a full-house and even though I was never folding had he not checked the turn, I at least can now say I won the hand without putting a bad-beat on my opponent as I had the best of it when the monies went in. This was a 140k pot, but I then lost about 30k in the next hand with an A-Q and A-K confrontation.

Some crazy hands, just like online play only worse. I finish the day with 111,000. This was how day 1 went for me; up and down up and down. Day 2 proved to be mainly downs.

Day 2:

Four hands do for me. I have the best of it each time, on one occasion by miles..the others just races.

Hand 1: Short stacked player shoves for 35,000. I call on the button with K-Q. He shows K-2. Queen on the flop and the hooded player with shades adorned with poker logos starts to walk off. Unfortunately the other four cards are 3-4-5 and 6 for a straight. I'm about 90% to win the hand on the flop, but hey-ho.

Hand 2: Same player, he has K-Q this time, I have 10s..again I'm on the button and he has shoved...this time for 67K. I have recovered most of the chips I lost in our first collision. There is a King on the flop this time, but no four cards to make me a straight. I am now down to 60k ish.

Hand 3: I am now very short, with about 60k and monstrous blinds...Welshman with hairy ears sat to my right with about 45k shoves and I have 4-4. He is UTG +1 so I have many players to act after me. I decided to flip a coin. I announce heads will be a call and tails a fold. My coin lands heads , but it rolls towards my welsh friend before it rests next to his cards. I ought to have taken this as a sign, but I call.

He shows me A-5 of clubs. I am ahead, but feel deflated and not at all confident. Some poo almost leaks out of me when the first ace hits the board. Another ace follows on the turn and I am felted. I have 17k left and nothing but a long drive home to look forward to.

Hand 4: I am all in UTG blind. I am called by an A-9. And of course just so I am absolutely clear my 10-3 has lost, the board has two more aces and a 9 for my delectation. I slope off to collect what seems like a paltry £300 for my 36th place finish and wonder what might have been while I have a slippery poo for myself in the gents.

An unforgiving game is poker. One of the few games one can play where a crushing defeat can ensue without ever really making a mistake. The Gods must have their seamstresses weave strands of masochism into our DNA in order to get us to ante up for these events elsewise none of us would ever play. As it is I'm already looking forward to the next one.

A seamstress preparing some DNA for the Gods yesterday

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29 August 2010

Infinity and beyooooond

Despite the fact that on Friday I played the £250 APAT "Pro" League game at DTD and was home by 8:00pm (I live 115 miles from the venue)..I will return today undeterred, wiser and stronger for to make an attempt at winning the Main event of the World Championships of Amateur Poker. I must focus. Focus is the key.

This event begins at 2:30pm, this time I will definitely not be home by 8pm. I've booked a hotel see. I won't be back until tomorrow. Hopefully very late tomorrow cause I know where I went wrong on Friday, like Harold Shipman I have a problem with my patients (that's a verbal gag really cause of the different spelling, but anyway)...so when I feel anxious or like spewing off some chips I'm going to watch an episode of Smallville on my iPhone to distract me, then I can re-focus.

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

It's the one where Lana is infected by the Nicodemus flower and goes all sultry and naughty and dives into the school swimming pool in her Victoria Secrets bra and pannies.

I sat up late last night with my calculator and a very sharp pencil, struggling with some equations and mapping out a strategy for success, but I got distracted and watched Stand By Me instead...brilliant film. LEACHES!!!

Hahaha, brilliant, oh to be that age again eh? Adventures, climbing trees, leaches on cocks etc. Marvelous days. I remember once when I went camping I set fire to a tree by accident and...oh fuck I better go...

26 August 2010

l wonder who it is?

In the Daily Telegraph today: England footballer granted continuation of gagging order


In other news, I wonder how Wayne Rooney's mystery "virus" is progressing?

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24 August 2010

Straight outta LA


These ESPN 30 for 30 documentaries are very good. If you haven't seen the "Two Escobars" one, you must seek it out. Tonight on ESPN America at 8pm it's 'Straight Outta L.A.' the story of the Raiders teams of the mid 80's and the growth of gangster rap and the wearing of the pirate logo stuff by the gangs in LA and the shooting of each other in the evenings and so on.

At that time in my life I was still playing with Lego so I wasn't into gangster rap, and I still remember sulking when the Raiders beat the Redskins in the Superbowl in 1984, but I enjoyed this documentary and I recommend you watch it if you access to the ESPN's, even if you're not into Mercan football or don't have any Ice Cube LPs.

(I'm laughing at the use LPs as we speak)



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Mexican of the day


Today's Mexican of the day is Jimena Navarret, winner of the 2010 Miss Universe contest. I was expecting some hugely malformed steroid him-she monstrosity, but fortunately it's not like the Mr Universe contest. I haven't seen the actual show, just a few clips. It looks like Bret Michaels of Poison was a judge and her qualifications appear to have been her personality and being smokin' hot.

I would imagine though she's done some important work with poor children and is looking forward to traveling around the world. I should imagine if she had three wishes she'd like to eradicate disease and poverty and end all wars for ever.

How she would then house the hundreds of millions of people that would not now die each year after essentially doing away with natural selection, given the earth's finite amount of real estate, without imposing incredibly stressful cramped living conditions on them all with insanity inducing claustrophobia and almost inevitable uncontrollable civil unrest, she probably isn't sure about...but she is sure she loves kids.

And Bret is sure she's smokin' hot and that's all that counts.

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23 August 2010

Lies

See the way Georgie Thompson of Sky Sports News fame likes to be seen walking this little dog in the hope people will think it's a Doberman and therefore be fooled into thinking she's really tall.

It's an old trick celebrities use. Tom Cruise uses similar tactics by always making his wife take her shoes off when they're photographed together while he stands on three copies of the the Shanghai Yellow pages.

But though but, ...young has Georgie made a clear error in allowing herself to be snapped stood next to boyfriend, famous midget and ten time winner of the "bloke from the telly who wants stabbing" award, Declan Donnelly.

What on earth does she see in the multi-multi-multi cabillionaire
diminutive Geordie wank faced cockknocker?


Donnelly even in heels is only 4ft 2, which makes Georgie Thompson something like 3ft 5. I'm all for petite women and that's almost a perfect height for some functions, but I just think it would be embarrassing having to drive ones girlfriend around in a baby-seat.

It needs stating also, that her thighs are kind of fat aren't they and she looks a bit rough here? I've gone off her. It's all lies. Sky Sports News must have magicians as make-up artists. They'll have their work cut out for them as of today too as I believe SSN are launching their much hyped HD channel.

I was kind of looking forward to it, but I'm not so sure now. You can only really acquire thighs like this by eating kebab meat, so Georgie's probably got really horrible skin. Nasty skin in HD is not what you need when first thing in the afternoon.

For scale: Dec and Georgie next to a
standard Royal Mail post-box yesterday

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22 August 2010

Another Premier League football scandal


Yet another Premier League footballer has taken out a so-called "Super-Injunction" to prevent the sordid details of his private life from reaching the vulnerable ears of his heroes on the terraces.

Not only can the papers not reveal the details, they can't even reveal there are details to reveal. We here at La Boca de la Cueva received a secret dossier last night detailing the appalling sexual habits of one of the most high profile players in the country. I've been given permission to post his picture so long as I disguise his features.

In other news Wayne Rooney didn't play today as he has a "virus." Poor lamb.

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BT advert - the reveal




This is it? This is what people voted for? My idea with the rugby team was much better. I emailed in with this less explicit alternative where Gavin from the Auto-Glass adverts is the father, a sort of meta-fictional version if you will, but they threatened to disconnect my landline if I emailed them again. Jeez, just trying to help.



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Little League World Series

So this is just a post to kill time until my next snooze, which is due in about twenty minutes. If you have access to the ESPNs, have you been watching the Little League World Series? It's good stuff and when it says "WORLD" it means it. There's actually different nations in it as opposed to the major leagues where it's just different Mercans. It's about the same sort of standard as women's baseball, or "softball" if you will, only with smaller people.

So anyway yes, it's quite entertaining stuff as it goes, although the Mexican kids were cheated out of a victory last night in the final inning against a squad of Japanese snipers.

I'm all for international play, but inter-species play is asking a lot if you're from this planet. I'm sure the lead hitter for the Japanese had the same eyes as the Terminator. The Mexican kids don't even have split screen or slow-mo vision.

They let Mexico think they had the game in the bag needing just three outs for the win and then hit something like four consecutive runs and that was all she wrote. They listened in on the Japanese coach, and of course no one could understand what he was saying without the aid of a universal translator, but I've watched it back today and been able to ascertain he was telling his kids to keep in the shade otherwise they'd over-heat! And he also told the little number 4 first baseman to run a level three diagnostic on his inner core-programme cause he missed a simple catch.

I'm mean really, I'm all for kids competing, I hate all that "it's just the taking part that counts" nonsense, it's that kind of thinking that's made all English kids fat little bastards...but still...I don't think it's fair to ask a bunch of twelve year old Mexican kids to beat robots. It'll be interesting to see what happens if they play the USA as I think they have a kid called John Conner.

Mexico's little league baseball team sportingly wave goodbye to the Japanese spaceship
as it lifted off after beating Mexico 4-2 in their World Series match yesterday.



Elsewhere on ESPN there was a brilliant behind the scenes type documentary featuring the Alabama College Football team - the Crimson Tide.

Very good it was too although the fitness coach made me want to drop a dumbbell on his head. Why do Mercans enjoy shouting so much? That would never work here.

If he shouted, "IF IT DON'T HURT YOU AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT" at an English footballer, he'd just snigger and ask him - schoolboy like - if he had any more sage love making tips.

OK so I'm off for a snooze now, I've said me piece.
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21 August 2010

Stoke then


My only wager this day will be an investment in Stoke to beat Totterington. In all fairness I have nothing else to add at this time.

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20 August 2010

North Korea is gay

North Korea is interested in men.

This is apparently North Korea's official Facebook page. It can be found under the name "uriminzokkiri" which means "on our own as a nation." North Korea only has 65 friends and is gay.

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19 August 2010

Enterprising wagers

Your oral stimulation has had a pleasing effect on me.
I will need several 3-ply tissues to absorb the moisture.


I've recently gotten quite into Star Trek: Enterprise. Are you familiar with this show? It's a prequel series with the guy from Quantum Leap as Captain. My younger readers might not be familiar with Quantum Leap so let me just quickly google the fella's name.

Scott Bakula. He's the Capitan. Or Captain if you will. So in this series they've only just figured out how warp speed works, and although they have the technology to beam people up and down they don't do it very often as the crew are skeptical about how safe it is. And one of the officers is a posh English dude and the engineer guy is from Texas.

It's on at 2pm so I watch it when I wake up and most of the time I will have a cup of tea when I watch it. Tea has caffeine in it, a stimulant, and this combined with my 'just woken up' randiness makes me have filthy thoughts about the Vulcan woman T'Pol who's in charge of sciencey stuff and I think is also some kind of space lawyer. She has the titest...erm tightest uniform and the best tits in the show.

A common personality trait of all the female characters with nice tits in all Star Trek series' is that they've all evolved to become emotionally redundant. Like the Borg woman in Voyager...she has the best tits of any female character in any of the Star Trek shows, yet she's incapable of feeling any emotion. And T'Pol in Enterprise is a Vulcan and Vulcans see emotions as gay and something only babies and small children are burdened with until they've grown out of them and gotten all logical and monosyllabic.

These lack of emotions are because male Star Trek fans with the exception of me, are usually nerds who are terrified of actual real women. And the only way they could ever, even in a fantasy, be in a sexual relationship with a woman with such awesome tits and not be frightened to death by the prospect of conquering her, is if she had no emotions and no sexual experience herself and therefore the nerd would be the dominant partner and corrupt her with ease. In effect she is essentially a living breathing blow-up doll. It's fascinating stuff from a psychological point of view...but I like it mostly for the tits.

"I will enjoy this tit wank you speak of?" 7 of 9 yesterday

Sport now, and it's the Europa League this evening. I'm going to place a 15 game acca** and live the rest of life in a obscene luxury. I'll only eat the very best sammiches Subway have to offer and I'll make a billionaire Arab go out and get them for me, while I wrestle with his six daughters to work up an appetite.

It's GOLD!

**update: I did not in fact place a 15 game acca. I went for a less awesome Yankee; Celtic - Win, Villa - draw, Borisov - win, Stuttgart - win.

Villa are fielding a team of children so may in fact lose but hopefully they can eek out a draw.

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17 August 2010

Gay weather man does something gay




While Sky TV only employ sluts to read their weather forecasts, the BBC only employ gayers, and this is the flagship gayer of their entire fleet of birties. It's only the ostentatiously effeminate whoopsie that can react the way he does when he realises he's on camera.

Splendid theatre darling, you were wonderful.

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Praying for Young Boys

Standard disclaimer do not read the bit about
the weather if you're my Auntie or God



God, I don't know if you read my new blog, but if you do, please please please make Young Boys Bern knock Tott**ham out of the Champions League.

I promise I will no longer nag you before the Pigeons game about doing that thing to Paulie Two Thumbs with the two outers for a laugh and I'll stop subscribing to that organisation who insist you don't exist - I mean if people want to donate to the National Secular Society and help eliminate religious privilege than so be it, but I for one will a be born again Christian.

I'll even give you my telescope, even though I'll have to buy one to give to you as I don't currently own one and even though you already know what all the stars look like cause you made them, so you'd only want a telescope to peek at women...I'm OK with that, just please interfere with this game. I need this.


Amen.

* * *
And now the weather..


This weather girl on Sky telly, Lucy Whatsherface, I think it's fairly clear she's a mucky little cockhandler. It's all to do with what she wears I think.

It's just formal enough for a newsroom setting, yet slutty enough to invoke images of dirty secretaries being exploited appallingly by a ruthless boss. And she winks too after her forecasts.

Well I've got a forecast for you. Later this afternoon Lucy can be found on her living room rug, legs akimbo with gash filled with Winalot™ and Max the Basset hound having a jolly good lick.

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16 August 2010

Sad really


I was just logged into the Twitters, fixing to say something about Keanu Reeves, when I noticed something that struck me funny. They have this "Who to follow" thing where by it recommends people you should follow.

I've never really paid attention to it, but assumed it worked much the same way Amazon recommends books for you according to your previous purchases. But though but...on this occasion one of the choices was Britney Spears!? Look see..


Why would young Britney be a recommendation? Eddie Izzard I can understand;...he's funny, I'm funny, he likes wearing women's clothing, I find women's underwear more exciting than mens etc etc, but Britney? I would toss her salad of course, but you'd have to have had most of your brain rot away by some horrible tropical plague before you'd be interested in anything she has to say surely?

I clicked on it anyway out of curiosity as you do, to seek out the tenuous common ground we share. Perhaps she also likes Mexican football? Or perhaps she's taken up poker? Sammiches.. I KNOW she likes a spicy footlong. But no, it's none of those things...


..clearly it just offers up people to follow, people you follow follow; Paulie Two thumbs on this occasion. I felt a bit sad, a part of me died when I saw poor Paulie's name up there. Caroline Flint was bad enough, sickening in fact, but reduced to following Britney Spears on Twitter!..I'd have preferred it if he was actually stalking her in person.

I'm kind of glad he's never playing the Pigeon's game again, I wouldn't be able to look for tells as I doubt I could look him in the eye after this. I had a friend once at school, Gary his name was, who got off with his Aunt at a family barbecue.

She was fit he said and only 35, but he said there was a deep and profound sense of wrong within him afterward that has stayed with him to this day. He says he hasn't been able to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman, and hates the smell of barbecues in the summer. It's sad really. Makes you think.

The end.

NASA is shit

A bench mark often used but never questioned, by Science boffins or nerds to illustrate how awesome some new bit of kit is, is that it was developed by NASA, usually for the space shuttle. For example, "my bicycle frame uses a carbontitaniumpolyoxotin alloy originally developed by NASA for the space shuttle."

But the qualifier here - that it was developed by NASA - itself needs qualifying. Why is something developed by NASA automatically assumed to be awesome? I think they're shit. The space shuttle is always blowing up and malfunctioning, they say the toilets almost never work and it's in the process of being phased out because of this.

A rare successful launch of the space shuttle yesterday

In actuality, vary little of NASA's stuff ever actually works or is indeed awesome. They should have made the space shuttle out of Subway sandwich stuff, cause ALL of their stuff is awesome and the most expensive thing you can buy from Subway is one of the gourmet footlong Subs which are only £5.29. Compare this to the shell of the space shuttle alone which costs £35billion. It's bullshit.

NASA is obviously just a front for the CIFBI5 to launder money they receive from drug barons in Cuban as bribes to turn a blind eye when shipments of cigars and awful salsa music are smuggled into Miami.

But all of this pales into insignificance compared to the price for a draw tonight at Old Trafford where Manchester United host Newcastle. Clearly Newcastle are shit, but the stats say that even though they haven't won at Old Trafford in 26 matches, they do manage to eek out a draw once every 3.75432 games.

The price on Betfair for a draw on match odds here is 7.6. The HT/FT prices are 36.0 and 42.0 respectively for Man Utd/Draw and Newcastle/Draw and Draw/Draw is 13.0. I hereby declare that if the draw was a piece of my bicycle, it would not be the carbontitaniumpolyoxotin frame developed by NASA for the space shuttle, it would be the footlong bacon and chicken ranch sub on hearty Italian bread with peppered cheese, onions, lettuce, tomatoes and some of that nice Peri-Peri sauce.

Having said that, I'm not having a bet. Even the Space Shuttle makes it back to Earth once in a while. Just saying is all.

A bicycle with carbontitaniumpolyoxotin frame yesterday

15 August 2010

Nothing to see here

I've heard tell of another Premier League player using one of those super injunctions to prevent news of his fucking about with whores entering the public domain.

I have no idea who it might be, but you have to say this must surely be a futile effort given how the internets, which is a series of toobs, makes for a very small gossipy impossible to police world and while the newspapers in this country may be gagged, there's nothing to stop one in say Mexico from singing his sordid story from the roof tops.

In other news, the girl of the day in "Vale Verga" is a nice looking lass dressed as a cheerleader.

You jolla pickle son of bitch

Stolen from Christi's blog.



14 August 2010

Sepp Blatter not taking his medication


Crazy man Sepp Blatter thinks introducing penalty shoot-outs in the group stages will stop defensive minded teams playing for draws. Surely this will only encourage them even further to play for draws as they will now be able to win three points instead of just one if they can make it to the shoot-out?

If you accept that penalty shoot-outs are essentially a lottery, then how would they deter you from playing for a draw in 90 minutes? You'd have a 50-50 chance of winning all three points with the worse case scenario being ending the game with only one less point than you'd have had under the old system.

I can only see the crappier teams all playing for penalties and as a consequence rather than all the shitty teams being weeded out in the group stages, more of them would then make it into the knock-out stages at the expense of some good teams who have the players that make World Cups exciting.

This would essentially work as a form of handicapping, which makes a mockery of the competition really. Gay in my opinion.

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13 August 2010

Stuff

After I had a cup of tea and nice biscuit earlier today, I continued my naturalisation process from gringo to Mexican and discovered that Mexicans don't call gringos gringos. According to the superb and very funny book by Gustavo Arellano "¡Ask a Mexican!", "Only gringos call gringos gringos. Mexicans call gringos gabachos."

I also found out that Mexicans never use the word cojones! I think they use "Huevos" - oo-eh-vos (eggs). This pleased me as I've never liked the word cojones. Now I can watch cookery programmes in Spanish and giggle when they make omelettes.

Later on I hope to discover how best to call someone a nanny shagging chain smoker for when Man Utd come to the Emirates and how to ask for directions to the railways station for when I'm in Mexico and need directions to the railway station.


I took a break then as I remembered I wanted to look at the fixture list for the first week of the Premier League. I'm back now and my suspicions have been confirmed. Tott**ham will lose on Saturday.

Have you seen their new kit? It is fucking appalling. I'm sure there must be a whole load of Ford Capri 2.8 Injections in Essex now without seat covers. The Spud players must surely be too self conscious wearing that to focus on the task at hand. It's ironic really, they finally have a fairly decent team yet they still look like twats.


I fancy Manchester City to win this game quite comfortably as their players all have so much money they probably don't care about anything. Tott**ham without a defense and sporting a bad 80's kit are never 2.48 to beat the richest club in the galaxy surely? I'll be taking the 3.15 on Citeh, it'll be like picking gold up off the street.

Elsewhere, Martin O'Neill may have left, but I still feel Aston Villa can be shit. West Ham are my dark horses for the season and I have invested some monies on them on the handicaps, 38+ 15/1. I would imagine Pablo Barrera will score three or four goals in this game so the 4.30 on the 'ammers to take all three points here is borderline thievery, but I'll take it.

Finally, I've had a bulls-eye on there being a red card in the Blackburn v Everton game @ 5.10. I just have a feeling deep within my bones that Tim Cahill won't see out the 90 minutes.

It's been a few weeks since his last red card so he must be due? Actually, his disciplinary record is quite good for such an unhinged violent descendant of a cockney granny-basher or alcoholic underwear thief, so it may not be him who gets his marching orders.

Some one will though. I've seen it.


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12 August 2010

3D or not 3D, is that the question?


Do I need a 3D ready TV? The telly I have at present isn't even HD ready, so I thought to myself, I thought, if I'm going to upgrade why not really upgrade. It could well be that darts in 3D is the life experience I have needed all this time to fill the intangible void in my very being.

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Viva Mexico Cabrones!

Y de haber disfrutado de un bonito encuentro contra un gran equipo.. Como dice una canción de Molotov q me encanta: "Viva Mexico cab..!!" -- Álvaro Arbeloa via Twitter


It's true I will never wish anything but the most appalling fate on Carles Puyol for putting that Barcelona shirt over Cesc's head, but as so many of the Spanish team have been respectful of their visit to the Azteca and were able to avoid a slaughter I will return the compliment.

Álvaro Arbeloa for example tweeted the above the last night, quoting a line from the song "gimme the power" by Molotov. This made me laugh...as I myself actually have this CD in my car as we speak and that's my favourite song.

It gives me the motivation I need when I have to face Joy at the Pigeons game. I play it really loud on my way to the game and shout VIVA MEXICO CABRONES usually just as I'm turning on to the A40. By the time I'm at Alan's house I have enough adrenaline in my system to cope with a flat call from Joy on the turn after I've put in half of my chips without going to pieces.



(quote at 2.23) - VIVA MEXICO CABRONES!

11 August 2010

Freak storm hits Helsinki






What's going on with the weather these days? You go to the beach on a Sunday afternoon and then suddenly the sky turns black and you don't have to go to work tomorrow cause apparently the world is ending.

Mexico/Chivas



It's a feast of Mexican football tonight. There will just be enough time after Mexico have destroyed Spain for a quick snooze before Chivas set about Brazilian side Internacional in Copa Libertadores.

It's true that Mexico at all levels does not do too well against Brazil, but tonight at least there should be a win for the Herd. The new stadium has an artificial pitch, which the Brazilians are not happy with - see, they're already assuming they've lost before a ball is kicked.

I've got me a feeling in my bowels that history is going to change. A good win tonight for Chivas and a bus parking operation in Brazil and the trophy is theirs. Easy! Chivas have problems scoring goals, but since when were harsh realities strong enough to overcome blind faith?

I'll be having a few shillings on a Chivas/Mexico double and facts be damned.

Time for tea now I think.

10 August 2010

Mexico v Spain



Spain are to be destroyed on Wednesday at the Azteca Stadium there can be very little doubt about this. In celebration of the Mexican revolution a hundred years ago and the bi-centenary anniversary of Independence, Spain will be slaughtered by the whetted shooting boots of Mexico's warriors.

The recently crowned World Champions will be humiliated. They will have to no choice but to give the trophy back to FIFA in fact and make a suggestion that it be handed to Mexico as honoury Champions of the galaxy.

The facts are clear. Mexico never ever ever lose at the Azteca stadium. The game against Paraguay in 2007 does not count as for a joke Hugo Sanchez decided to play a team of guys he found on the street to see if anyone would notice. And the other game they lost in 2002 against Costa Rica also doesn't count because the team had been poisoned by some badly prepared quesadillas made with Argentinian cheese.


These minor exceptions aside, for four decades one does not travel to the Azteca with any hopes of winning, only to accept a quick and painless slaughter. Also, I'm quite sure all of the Spanish squad for this game play in La Liga, which does not start until the end of August. Most of the Mexican squad on the other hand either play in Mexico or England and Holland. These three leagues have either already started or will start this weekend, so the fitness of the Mexican team will be greater.

Finally, Mexico will no longer be steered towards disaster by Javier Aguirre. I hope the Basque is now resting and receiving the treatment he requires in an Institution for the Mentally Crazy.

Perhaps in time he can lead a relatively normal life and feed and clothe himself, but for now I'm just thankful he no longer has the authority to pick Aldolfo Bautista, Óscar Pérez and various Argentinians pretending to be Mexican.


Mexico v Spain
Wednesday August 11th - 9pm kick-off BST
Wagering advices - Lay Spain 2.22, HT/FT - Draw/Mexico 8.80


Pointing the finger of blame



I've always felt Martin O'Neill was wrong in the head. Like the kind of blokes you read about in the Daily Mail who murder their wives simply because they hummed at the breakfast table and offer up some tenuous justification and expect to be seen as the victim; "Thirty years of humming, I couldn't take it anymore so I cut her up and hid her in the boot of my Datsun."

I was proved right today when he resigned just five days before the start of the season ostensibly because James Milner looks like leaving and he won't be given the transfer fee to buy new players. Well boo hoo...or as they say in Northern Ireland, boy-hoy.

By my way of thinking, it's not for the club to fit around the managers needs. All clubs would go busto if this was the case and how they don't is something I'm sure is a constant thorn in the side of HMRC.

It's actually for the manager to work within the financial constraints of the club. That's surely the crux of the job. To find players for small fees and coach them and train them to a standard where they can be competitive. Anyone can put a team together by just buying off the peg superstars (except David O'Leary), but one earns ones wages by converting raw talent into legitimate world class players no? By re-cycling players to pay the bills and also keep the team progressing. Just like Arsene Wenger do. But it's a slow process thus not a big favourite with the fans.

There's really only three types of football clubs; The Man City types with inexhaustible finances to launder/invest in their clubs, of which there's only a handful anywhere in the ze whole world. There's clubs who try to work within their own financial constraints and there's clubs who just spend like there's no tomorrow and to all hell with it. Most Premier League teams appear to fit into this last category.

Villa's owner Randy Lerner wants to be one of those clubs not laden with monumental debts and secure the long term future of the club and Martin O'Neill has decided to stamp his feet and leave, because this will mean by the time Villa have the bank roll to fund a genuine Championship winning team or at least a Champions League qualifying team, he'll have retired. This is so self-indulgent, yet in this upside down and inside out world, he'll be made out to be the victim.

The fans will probably call for Randy Lerner's children to develop aggressive cancers and the pundits will all curse the day American's were allowed entry to our football clubs. But the truth is being a Premier League manager is an incredibly privilaged lifestyle no matter what the constraints and standard of the squad at your disposal and to give it up five days before a season because you won't be given £20million pounds (or because there's a bigger club somewhere that want you) is something only the self-absorbed mentalists of the professional football world could justify.

It's his wife I feel sorry for. Keep mum at the breakfast table tomorrow dear.

7 August 2010

Comments

Just been informed by Paulie Two Thumbs the comments the comments thing was blocked. Sorry about that, I hadn't realised. Everyone is now free to comment as you please except of course Tottenham supporters and Republicans.

Biba Las Begas

Bah, I have an incredibly irritating head cold as we speak. So that and the fact it was pissing down when I woke up this morning meant I of course didn't go anywhere today. The closest I got to Nottingham was the little utility room in my house where I keep my dish washer and huge inflatable football.

I was actually quite motivated to play too. I even had a really really hot bath to try and steam the cold out of me. It was so hot when my junk touched the water it kind of felt like I'd scolded the poor fellas.

Alas, it was all to no avail and instead I downed some night nurse and spent the day drifting in and out of a shallow slumber waking intermittently to wipe the dribble from my chin and clear out the volume of snots from my nose.

On a more positive note which of course is what this new blog is all about, having a blocked nose seems to be helping me pronounce the "Bveh" sound in Spanish a little better. See I only just recently realised there is no V sound in Spanish. V is pronounced more like a B but it's a soft B like Bveh. Anyway, I seem to have a better pronunciation when I have a decent quantity of loose bogies in my nose.


Football now, and having taken on board Paulie Two Thumbs' Premier League predictions I think I'll consider a few myself this evening if you'll indulge me. I've already had a some monies on Maraoune Chamakh and Chicharo to win the golden boot at awesome back-to-lay prices of 26.0 and 34.0 respectively.

I'm giving some serious thought to laying Manchester United for a top four finish. I know they always some how find a way of winning and there's always the fact that Ferguson sold his blackened soul to Beelzebub many years ago, but even when you dance with the devil the music stops eventually.

I look at their squad and I wonder, I wonder I does, who is going to put the ball in the onion bag for them? Wayne Rooney is now on forty a day and has a physical age of 46, Michael Owen can't put his boots on with tearing a muscle, Berbatov can barely stay awake long enough to make a run into the box, which only leaves Chicharito - who of course is awesome - but he can't do it ALL himself. As for the defence...blah.

The logical conclusion then is Arsenal to triumph. It's all so clear now. Probably by about 15 points and me and Andrey Arshavin to be mates and play chess together on Sundays.

I'm obviously going to choose West Ham as a dark horse for a European place as they have the awesome Pablo Barrera and with an Israeli in charge who probably has contacts at Mossad, as long as he's not asked to storm a passenger ferry I can see them having quite a decent season.

I have a feeling the Championship will be won with a record low points score this season, so West Ham on the handicaps +38 is my dark horse wager of the day.

Now then, my throat is irritated. I need a hot lemon drink. So I'll leave you with some Mexican Primera División wagers for this evening which you may wish to invest in when you get home pissed as a fart;

San Luis v Chivas - San Luis win 2.18 (I hate to betray the Goats, but I pick this only because I feel Chivas will be focused more on the Copa Libertadores on Wednesday)

Atlante v Monterry - Monterry win 2.42

Jaguares v Toluca - Draw 3.44

6 August 2010

Care in the community



Sao Paulo obliged last night, but they made hard work of it. A comical goalkeeping error by Inter's Renan, who made Robert Green look like Gordon Banks, gave the Tricolor a 1-0 half-time lead. As the second half kicked off I found I needed a wee so off I went, only to return to find the score at 2-1!!

It was a lengthy urination for sure, but still two goals in two minutes! Inter had equalised on 52 minutes and then conceded again on 54. Inter were clearly the better team and I was close to needing a poo and no mistake.

Inter were good enough to get a man sent off after 75 minutes and ordinarily this would have eased the pressure on Sao Paulo and my bowels, however as they now needed to win by two clear goals as a consequence of the away goals rule, they were forced to pile men forward leaving themselves vulnerable for a rear goosing.

It never came, phew! Sao Paulo won but were out of the competition thanks to the away goals rule. Internacional will now go on to endure an horrendous slaughtering at the hands of Chivas - first leg of which is on August 11th, the same day World Champions Spain endure and equally horrendous slaughtering at the hands of El Tri at the Azteca Stadium (more on this game in a day or two).


In other football news I have re-invested my haul from this game on a Community Shield wager. I have backed Chelsea at 4.0 to score a goal in both halves. This seems like a generous price to me given how awful Manchester United are. Rio Ferdinand won't be playing, but that doesn't mean they won't be hopeless at the back.

Just take a look at their current squad: here usually such people have a volunteer with them at all times to help them eat soup and get dressed.

If this collection of congenital malformed spud faced chancers (with the exception of Javier Hernández) can be considered amongst the Premier League's best then I'm afraid the standard of football in this country has become comparable with the MLS, we should feel embarrassed and all teams should now have to incorporate a fast-food restaurant or soft-drink company in their name - Aston Villa Star Burgers for example.



* * *

Finally, doesn't Tiger Woods look silly with a goatee. He reminds me of the evil Michael Knight. Having promised to stop whoring around he's essentially given up his super powers just like Superman did in the original movie cause he wanted to give Lois a roasting without harming her. There's some irony here I feel.

Imagine suffering paralysing migraine headaches and not having access to painkillers. You'd never be able to concentrate on anything. Tiger's affliction is his insatiable lust for hookers and various other tramps - without access to his 'medicine' he'll never again be the man who became a golfing legend.

He needs to finalise his divorce thus freeing himself from his chastely shackles and spend about a fortnight in Vegas or his career will be over forever.

5 August 2010

BT adverts past present and future

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE MY AUNTIE



Apparently you can vote for what you want to happen next with these adverts. Brilliant!! I don't think "for them to stop" is one of the options if that's what you're hoping. To be fair, apart from sport, these adverts are the only things I watch on telly. Before we consider what should happen next, let's remind ourselves of the story so far..



...now then, a few questions need answering; for example, What sort of people look for a house to live in before they're married? Society might not mind anymore, but they will have to answer to Jesus. Also, how did they go from looking for those houses together, to him moving to the seaside!? And after all this time has Adam even had a blow job off her yet? She looks to me like one of those women that still won't do that. I reckon it's why he chose to go away.


In the next advert I'd like to see Adam surprise Jane by arriving home from Cornwall. He sneaks in the house and into the living room with his bags under his arms expecting a big hug from Jane, only to find her on all fours on the rug surrounded by a rugby team all coupled together in some sort of steamy sexual scrum and all the while she's on the phone to some dodgy old man explaining what's happening to her as she's set up a premium number adult sex line to earn some extra cash, you know, what with the baby on the way and everything.

It ends with her noticing Adam in the doorway and then all the grunting and thrusting stops dead and everything goes silent and Adam drops his bags...and all you can hear as they stare at each other in utter disbelief is the old man on the other end of the phone shouting "you love it don't you YOU LOVE IT...does your husband know what a whore you are?"

It's comedy gold, GOLD!! So anyway, what would you like to happen and why?

Sao Paulo v Internacional - Copa Libertadores

Oooh pretty

The new blog's first wager; under the new house rules there will be no mention of bets after the fact unless they're winners, so with that in mind, the details:

Copa Libertadores semi-final 2nd leg tonight: Sao Paulo (0) v Internacional (1)
Will certainly be won by Sao Paulo despite them losing 1-0 in the first leg.

My expert betting Llama embedded deep within the slums of Sao Paulo informs me the Tricolor Paulista have yet to even concede a goal at home in Copa Libertadores. Also, Internacional have yet to win away in the competition.

Sao Paulo are currently available at 2.12 on Betfair, I feel this is value and will be investing some monies henceforth. It is of course true that they have stunk the place up with their league form in Brazil recently, but have just beaten fourth place Ceará and anyway, as we all know it's often the case that league form and cup form are often be poles apart.

The winner of this game has the extra incentive of representing CONMEBOL in that World Club thing on December in the UAE - essentially a holiday surely?

So then, advise: some points Sao Paulo win in 90 minutes*

*there's some odd connotations about away goals and what not I don't
yet understand so we'll stick to just plain old 90 minutes match odds.

Welcome



Well now, good afternoon. This is my new blog this is. I haven't unpacked yet, but isn't it pretty? Those of you familiar with the old blog will be aware of my longing to escape from the social nonsense so pervasive throughout our land these days and live in a cave somewhere warm and untouched by mankind.

Well as I've only just recently moved into my nice bungalow I've decided to move to a virtual cave instead - it amounts to the same thing in real terms. Why though you ask, why why? Well, you see the purpose for blogging initially was so I'd have a means of venting my spleen as it were over the many many fractures of our society's moral skeleton, but those fractures have become clean breaks now and too numerous to cope mend with simple opinion and finger wagging.

Back in the day it was the Daily Mail only filling its pages with fear mongering and stories of a decaying society where urchins routinely brought new and ever more appalling definitions to anti-social behaviour.

Not now though, it's everywhere. One can barely go shopping for a sammich without stumbling across the depressing signs of a broken society. I can barely keep up and remain motivated enough for life to get dressed in the afternoon. I'd have needed an army of bloggers and psychologists to keep track of it all and keep me on an even keel.

Well, no more I say. NO! If I have to read one more newspaper article about a teenage urchin who has poked out a pensioner's eyes and stolen her shopping or hear tell of another politician found in a seedy Kings Cross brothel with a bin-liner over his head and an apple up his arse, I swear I shall have to bally well scream like an effeminate nancy boy.

So, I shan't. I won't. I wash my hands with it all. I shall now spend my life here in my virtual cave shielded forever from the horrors of society's underclasses. Only positive happy go lucky nonsense will be discussed here.

Obviously this means I will have to make a lot of stuff up, but whatever it takes to re-create a new reality for myself. A land where urchins help old ladies across the street. A place where the police don't walk about dressed like Robocop and where Arsenal don't suffer horrendous injuries to five or six players and capitulate in April after squandering an eight point lead. And where there's never a noisy owl in a tree near ones bedroom window when it's time for a snooze.

Obviously this will not be easy. The levels of delusional optimism required for this undertaking will inevitably lead to quite profound lunacy, but that should be fun too and that's never seemed to bother the Windsors.

Now then, who'd like a scone? Tally Ho!

The Duke of Edinburgh yesterday