Mexican stand offs for stoners

This is my favourite piece of music. Or at least it sort of is. This isn't quite as ferocious as the version in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but still if I ever get caught in a Mexican stand off (again) I want this playing on my iPod.

It will have to be a stand off with some stoners though as this version seems to me like the orchestra had enjoyed a little smoke before rehearsal. Maybe this is the Amsterdam philharmonic orchestra? The poor trumpet dude runs out of puff so to speak a few times bless him.

Yo like I'm totally gonna shoot you dude.

The movie version.

Bag of sand challenge

Well now after a loss yesterday of £40 leaving us only £150 to turn into one bag of your Earth sand we again took another small £11 loss this afternoon with a rather silly £1 Yankee:


However, we have made splendid progress since with a stupendous result with our 26 bet Canadian coming in as well as a supplementary 5 fold acca with the same selections that I don't even remember placing!

This of course must have been placed during the period where I was bored and just began clicking on wagers.


We now have £690 safely secured with a £77.76 double outstanding which will return £272.16.


This leaves us about £40 short of our goal. I will therefore place a final wager to cover this bullseye and hope Club merca can do the business tonight. Kick off 11:30pm. From such a poor beginning how exciting it's all become.

I'm supposed to making my Ali like return to the ring at the Fox tomorrow if I can be persuaded to put some coordinated evening wear on. I just have enough to see flop in the PLO cash game.

Mexico campeón del mundo!

México, Campeón de la Copa Oro

MEXICO 4 - 2 Merca

The symptoms of doomdom

Future historians will one day regress the origins of a Europe wide war to the weeks of June 2011 when thousands of Spaniards and Greeks took to the streets and squares of their respective capitals out of frustration and anger at the political corruption that had led their countries to the brink of bankruptcy.

Meanwhile during the same period in the UK, possibly because the mainstream media didn't want anyone to know what was actually happening on the continent in case everyone got the same idea here, everyone was focused instead entirely on the finals of Britain's Got Talent.

A talent show in the loosest possible terms where a kid who looks like a puppy in a syrup and was clearly cloned from another spooky Canadian kid was about win the opportunity of a lifetime to be appalling exploited by a sweaty Simon Cowell. The days when the sun never set on the Empire had never quite felt so long ago.

I'm disgusted at us. If millions and millions of people watched these shows out of a sense of irony, fully aware of how utterly offensively vacuous they are, I wouldn't lose quite so much sleep, but no. These shows have become genuinely important to people. People talk about them at work, on twitter, in queues. Everywhere. Seriously.

So while the European Union begins to break up, a monumental notion no less significant than the collapse of the Soviet Union, everyone in this country is distracted by someone juggling orphans and the news that amateur racist Cheryl Cole might be returning to judge the X-Factor.

We're doomed, we've given up then is what we're saying to ourselves. That's the general conclusion we can draw from these specific symptoms of doomdom. We're the national equivalent of a once beautiful but now fat divorcee who wears track suits all the time with custard stains down the front, smokes 100 cigarettes a day and feeds her seven kids crisps for tea before sending them out to make life a misery for anyone living within a five mile radius.

Call me presumptuous but I don't think Socialism has worked.

* * *

Well if the country can ignore the nightmare that is so clearly approaching with all the inexorable velocity of an out of control Fiat Punto skidding sideways down an icy road towards a group of school children while the female behind the wheel applies her lipstick in her rear view mirror in complete ignorance of the terrified faces of the little cherubs she's about to skittle into a mass grave.

I myself will use the Concacaf Gold Cup which starts tomorrow to take my mind off the fact that we're all doomed and it's every man for himself.

Mexico as we all know are current Champions having given the US of States a 5-0 shellacking in the 2009 final. I see no reason why this can't happen again this year. It being held in 'merca will only add to the humiliation of the host nation as they are slaughtered once again.


Mexico play the might of El Salvador tomorrow night at Cowboys Stadium. The result will be a national embarrassment for El Salvador and many members of their team will never quite be the same again.

Elsewhere in the sporting world, my new MotoGP hero while Valentino Rossi sorts out how to ride his Ducati is Marco Simoncelli and his magic Euro hair-do. He looks remarkably like a 1970s Kevin Keegan in fact, only not quite so gay.

I fancy him to win his first MotoGP race tomorrow in the Catalunya GP. He's been threatening to win one of these things all season, but has up to now, preferred instead to fling himself off his machine or fling other people off theirs.

Marco is not the crowd favourite having destroyed poor little Dani Pedrosa's shoulder in the last race in Le Mans with an overtaking manouevre that required the breaking of up to nine laws of physics and as many racing regulations.

Fantastic stuff. Proper racing. None of this nancy boy F1 business where there's no racing allowed, only prancing about in Gucci sunglasses shouting ciao at the locals.

"I tell you what, I will LOVE IT,
love it if I win tomorrow."

Mexico v Bosnia and Herzogovina

In what must surely be one of the most random of International friendlies in recent memory, Mexico will play Bosnia AND Herzogovina at the same time in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, US of States.

Not the most glamorous first fixture for Mexican of the Day and new national team manager Chepo de la Torre, and quite a novelty playing two teams at once, but one they should at least win as the cycle begins again for el Tri to finally make it past the Quarter final stages of the World Cup.

Most of the Bosnian and Herzogovina squads haven't been allowed into the USA because of various passport issues including Manchester City's new £27m striker Edin Džeko so their 15 man squad includes the kit man and coach driver so I expect Mexico to enjoy 75% possession and win 1-0.

The Mexican squad is still a lopsided bunch, with the average age of the strikers being about 22 and the defense and midfield about 29. The maxim, 'If Javier Aguirre doesn't even want you then you must be bad,' is never truer when applied to poor Luis Pérez, so his inclusion in the squad is an unnerving one, but maybe he's a concession on the part of el Tri as they felt bad for Bosnia and Herzogovina not having their full squad available.

Carlos Vela and Efraín Juárez are still banned from the squad following their interaction with a hooker nicknamed "finger-cuffs" by the squad at a party in Monterrey last season after the national team's win against Colombia.

The goals for the year are clear...win the Gold Cup and the Copa América although the latter competition will have to won with a squad of players who don't shave yet because of silly FIFA rules that forces them to play the under 19's or something weird and only 5 senior players.

Let the games begin. Viva Mexico!

NO!

For the BBC's sake they better hope Top Gear presenter and dwarf Richard Hammond will come to feel so ashamed by his disparaging and racist comments towards Mexicans last week that he'll take his own life. Unless he's found swinging from his coffee table in the very near future I'll be forced to email into the BBC with a sternly worded complaint. And they don't want that.

Perhaps he's just lashing out as despite obviously caring a great deal about his appearance he is routinely mistaken for a lesbian green campaigner and removed from the Top Gear set by security, but that is no justification for racial prejudice and I want it stopped.

Aircrew cause turbulance

Flight crew of ailing Mexicana airlines have taken it upon themselves to pose for a calendar absolutely jam packed full of sauce to help supplement their wages. And why not? Bravo chicas bravo.

While the selfish bitches from British Airways over here strike because they're only getting 50% more wages than other airlines and don't give a shit about ruining people's holidays, Mexicana air crew simply expose themselves.

We can all learn something from this excellent example of taking responsibility for ones own life. We think everyone owes us a living in this country that's our problem. Just get your tits out and stop whining BA employees, that's what I always say.

Las muertas de juarez

Mexico play Venezuela tonight. Usually a fairly comfortable win for El Tri, but there's lots of peripheral nonsense to consider here that might influence the result and present some opportunities for furthering our progress in the iMac challenge.

Lots of commotion behind the scenes with Mexico. Director of the national teams Nestor De La Torres has resigned having lost a dispute with the players. After Mexico's last win against Colombia the players had a huge piss up allegedly involving hookers and trannies. Carlos Vela and Efraín Juárez were banned from the national team for six months, 10 players were fined $50,000 pesos.

The players complained, and said they would not represent the national team again until the internal squabbles were sorted. They've had discussions prior to this friendly with Venezuela and the upshot of it all is Nestor is out - resigning after refusing to apologize for how he dealt with the players.

So, given that the players are not exactly focused and this is a friendly anyway, and also that this game is being played in Juarez, currently one of the most violent places on Earth, I fancy there won't be the kind of slaughter on the pitch usually seen in the streets.

I've backed Mexico/Draw and Venezuela/Draw on the HT/FT markets at 24.0 and 26.0 respectively - £5 each and I've backed overs on the murders markert (120.5).

Colbert testimony today

We don't do politics here in the mouth of the cave, we talk only of sandwiches and failed wagers. But since this involves Mexicans and Merca's hysterical fear of them crossing the border to do America's beggars jobs, we'll make an exception on this occasion. Plus we love the Colbert Report.

Cooling your Jets

This is young Inés Sainz, the Mexican reporter for Azteca TV who "took exception" this week at a New York Jets practice to some comments made to her by a few of the players. This picture was taken at the very practice in question.

Now call me chauvinistic, call me cynical, but if you have an ass like that and you wear jeans that are so tight they look like they were sprayed on and strut about in the locker room of an American football team where 50 enormous naked men pumped full of testosterone are within licking distance, then the very least you can expect from them is lurid comments. This after all is the very same reporter who last year took out a tape measure and asked wide receiver Steve Breaston of the Arizona Cardinals if she could measure his biceps. I think it was biceps.

Quite frankly I don't envy the task of whoever is in control of keeping the players cool when there are strumpets like Ms Sainz strutting about the place like the very definition of 'cock tease."

And anyway, I think it's fair to say Mexican TV is not perhaps the most progressive of environments in terms of sexual equality. Mexican TV weather girls for example are essentially soft-core porn stars. I have a feeling Ms Sainz is a seasoned pro when it comes to dealing with chauvinism. She's no shrinking violet - a google image search of her name is testament to this, so I think her sensibilities are robust enough to cope with this sort of thing.

Perhaps she's a Giants fan and just making mischief, but if she was genuinely offended I find this astonishing. Good luck to her if she ever shows up at the Pigeon's game dressed like that with Neal in one of his moods.

Saturday, noon

It's finally here...that World Cup nonsense has finished, the waiting is over and in just a few hours, the earth will tremble at it's centre not from the resounding roar of the cannon, but the roar of Estadio Omnilife as El Tri slaughter the lambs from Ecuador.

In actual fact I speak nonsense. In footballing terms this will be just a routine friendly, however as part of the bicentenario celebrations a special edition kit will be worn and of course as someone who has become big on limited edition type sporting apparel a new quest will begin to get my grubby mitts on one.

I'm hearing only 10,000 will be sold and each has it's own number and this of course will require many many hours of sending bartering emails in atrociously written Spanish to all and sundry to seek my prize.

FUN!

I've also backed México to win and a lumpy bet it has been too. I know it's a friendly and if one wishes to dispose of ones surplus income one just has to wager on friendlies, and also this game is being played on the artificial pitch of Chivas' new stadium which none of the European based players seem happy with, but as Carlos Vela is now due to rediscover his shooting mojo I will accept the 1.65 price and to hell with it.

Beyond the realms of my life I notice that there's an amusing campaign underway for bookstore shoppers to sneakily remove copies of Tony Blair's memoirs from the politics or autobiography sections and place them on more appropriate shelving; preferably the crime sections or fantasy as it is without a shadow of a doubt the work of an incomprehensibly deluded confidence trickster. Quite alarming in fact that he was ever Prime Minister. It's like realising there was recently a burglar in your home.

I'm off to Waterstone's to engage in some mischief

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Mexican of the day

Today's Mexican of the day is Jimena Navarret, winner of the 2010 Miss Universe contest. I was expecting some hugely malformed steroid him-she monstrosity, but fortunately it's not like the Mr Universe contest. I haven't seen the actual show, just a few clips. It looks like Bret Michaels of Poison was a judge and her qualifications appear to have been her personality and being smokin' hot.

I would imagine though she's done some important work with poor children and is looking forward to traveling around the world. I should imagine if she had three wishes she'd like to eradicate disease and poverty and end all wars for ever.

How she would then house the hundreds of millions of people that would not now die each year after essentially doing away with natural selection, given the earth's finite amount of real estate, without imposing incredibly stressful cramped living conditions on them all with insanity inducing claustrophobia and almost inevitable uncontrollable civil unrest, she probably isn't sure about...but she is sure she loves kids.

And Bret is sure she's smokin' hot and that's all that counts.

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Little League World Series

So this is just a post to kill time until my next snooze, which is due in about twenty minutes. If you have access to the ESPNs, have you been watching the Little League World Series? It's good stuff and when it says "WORLD" it means it. There's actually different nations in it as opposed to the major leagues where it's just different Mercans. It's about the same sort of standard as women's baseball, or "softball" if you will, only with smaller people.

So anyway yes, it's quite entertaining stuff as it goes, although the Mexican kids were cheated out of a victory last night in the final inning against a squad of Japanese snipers.

I'm all for international play, but inter-species play is asking a lot if you're from this planet. I'm sure the lead hitter for the Japanese had the same eyes as the Terminator. The Mexican kids don't even have split screen or slow-mo vision.

They let Mexico think they had the game in the bag needing just three outs for the win and then hit something like four consecutive runs and that was all she wrote. They listened in on the Japanese coach, and of course no one could understand what he was saying without the aid of a universal translator, but I've watched it back today and been able to ascertain he was telling his kids to keep in the shade otherwise they'd over-heat! And he also told the little number 4 first baseman to run a level three diagnostic on his inner core-programme cause he missed a simple catch.

I'm mean really, I'm all for kids competing, I hate all that "it's just the taking part that counts" nonsense, it's that kind of thinking that's made all English kids fat little bastards...but still...I don't think it's fair to ask a bunch of twelve year old Mexican kids to beat robots. It'll be interesting to see what happens if they play the USA as I think they have a kid called John Conner.

Mexico's little league baseball team sportingly wave goodbye to the Japanese spaceship
as it lifted off after beating Mexico 4-2 in their World Series match yesterday.

Elsewhere on ESPN there was a brilliant behind the scenes type documentary featuring the Alabama College Football team - the Crimson Tide.

Very good it was too although the fitness coach made me want to drop a dumbbell on his head. Why do Mercans enjoy shouting so much? That would never work here.

If he shouted, "IF IT DON'T HURT YOU AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT" at an English footballer, he'd just snigger and ask him - schoolboy like - if he had any more sage love making tips.

OK so I'm off for a snooze now, I've said me piece.
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Stuff

After I had a cup of tea and nice biscuit earlier today, I continued my naturalisation process from gringo to Mexican and discovered that Mexicans don't call gringos gringos. According to the superb and very funny book by Gustavo Arellano "¡Ask a Mexican!", "Only gringos call gringos gringos. Mexicans call gringos gabachos."

I also found out that Mexicans never use the word cojones! I think they use "Huevos" - oo-eh-vos (eggs). This pleased me as I've never liked the word cojones. Now I can watch cookery programmes in Spanish and giggle when they make omelettes.

Later on I hope to discover how best to call someone a nanny shagging chain smoker for when Man Utd come to the Emirates and how to ask for directions to the railways station for when I'm in Mexico and need directions to the railway station.


I took a break then as I remembered I wanted to look at the fixture list for the first week of the Premier League. I'm back now and my suspicions have been confirmed. Tott**ham will lose on Saturday.

Have you seen their new kit? It is fucking appalling. I'm sure there must be a whole load of Ford Capri 2.8 Injections in Essex now without seat covers. The Spud players must surely be too self conscious wearing that to focus on the task at hand. It's ironic really, they finally have a fairly decent team yet they still look like twats.


I fancy Manchester City to win this game quite comfortably as their players all have so much money they probably don't care about anything. Tott**ham without a defense and sporting a bad 80's kit are never 2.48 to beat the richest club in the galaxy surely? I'll be taking the 3.15 on Citeh, it'll be like picking gold up off the street.

Elsewhere, Martin O'Neill may have left, but I still feel Aston Villa can be shit. West Ham are my dark horses for the season and I have invested some monies on them on the handicaps, 38+ 15/1. I would imagine Pablo Barrera will score three or four goals in this game so the 4.30 on the 'ammers to take all three points here is borderline thievery, but I'll take it.

Finally, I've had a bulls-eye on there being a red card in the Blackburn v Everton game @ 5.10. I just have a feeling deep within my bones that Tim Cahill won't see out the 90 minutes.

It's been a few weeks since his last red card so he must be due? Actually, his disciplinary record is quite good for such an unhinged violent descendant of a cockney granny-basher or alcoholic underwear thief, so it may not be him who gets his marching orders.

Some one will though. I've seen it.


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Viva Mexico Cabrones!

Y de haber disfrutado de un bonito encuentro contra un gran equipo.. Como dice una canción de Molotov q me encanta: "Viva Mexico cab..!!" -- Álvaro Arbeloa via Twitter

It's true I will never wish anything but the most appalling fate on Carles Puyol for putting that Barcelona shirt over Cesc's head, but as so many of the Spanish team have been respectful of their visit to the Azteca and were able to avoid a slaughter I will return the compliment.

Álvaro Arbeloa for example tweeted the above the last night, quoting a line from the song "gimme the power" by Molotov. This made me laugh...as I myself actually have this CD in my car as we speak and that's my favourite song.

It gives me the motivation I need when I have to face Joy at the Pigeons game. I play it really loud on my way to the game and shout VIVA MEXICO CABRONES usually just as I'm turning on to the A40. By the time I'm at Alan's house I have enough adrenaline in my system to cope with a flat call from Joy on the turn after I've put in half of my chips without going to pieces.

(quote at 2.23) - VIVA MEXICO CABRONES!

Mexico/Chivas

It's a feast of Mexican football tonight. There will just be enough time after Mexico have destroyed Spain for a quick snooze before Chivas set about Brazilian side Internacional in Copa Libertadores.

It's true that Mexico at all levels does not do too well against Brazil, but tonight at least there should be a win for the Herd. The new stadium has an artificial pitch, which the Brazilians are not happy with - see, they're already assuming they've lost before a ball is kicked.

I've got me a feeling in my bowels that history is going to change. A good win tonight for Chivas and a bus parking operation in Brazil and the trophy is theirs. Easy! Chivas have problems scoring goals, but since when were harsh realities strong enough to overcome blind faith?

I'll be having a few shillings on a Chivas/Mexico double and facts be damned.

Time for tea now I think.

Mexico v Spain

Spain are to be destroyed on Wednesday at the Azteca Stadium there can be very little doubt about this. In celebration of the Mexican revolution a hundred years ago and the bi-centenary anniversary of Independence, Spain will be slaughtered by the whetted shooting boots of Mexico's warriors.

The recently crowned World Champions will be humiliated. They will have to no choice but to give the trophy back to FIFA in fact and make a suggestion that it be handed to Mexico as honoury Champions of the galaxy.

The facts are clear. Mexico never ever ever lose at the Azteca stadium. The game against Paraguay in 2007 does not count as for a joke Hugo Sanchez decided to play a team of guys he found on the street to see if anyone would notice. And the other game they lost in 2002 against Costa Rica also doesn't count because the team had been poisoned by some badly prepared quesadillas made with Argentinian cheese.


These minor exceptions aside, for four decades one does not travel to the Azteca with any hopes of winning, only to accept a quick and painless slaughter. Also, I'm quite sure all of the Spanish squad for this game play in La Liga, which does not start until the end of August. Most of the Mexican squad on the other hand either play in Mexico or England and Holland. These three leagues have either already started or will start this weekend, so the fitness of the Mexican team will be greater.

Finally, Mexico will no longer be steered towards disaster by Javier Aguirre. I hope the Basque is now resting and receiving the treatment he requires in an Institution for the Mentally Crazy.

Perhaps in time he can lead a relatively normal life and feed and clothe himself, but for now I'm just thankful he no longer has the authority to pick Aldolfo Bautista, Óscar Pérez and various Argentinians pretending to be Mexican.


Mexico v Spain
Wednesday August 11th - 9pm kick-off BST
Wagering advices - Lay Spain 2.22, HT/FT - Draw/Mexico 8.80

Biba Las Begas

Bah, I have an incredibly irritating head cold as we speak. So that and the fact it was pissing down when I woke up this morning meant I of course didn't go anywhere today. The closest I got to Nottingham was the little utility room in my house where I keep my dish washer and huge inflatable football.

I was actually quite motivated to play too. I even had a really really hot bath to try and steam the cold out of me. It was so hot when my junk touched the water it kind of felt like I'd scolded the poor fellas.

Alas, it was all to no avail and instead I downed some night nurse and spent the day drifting in and out of a shallow slumber waking intermittently to wipe the dribble from my chin and clear out the volume of snots from my nose.

On a more positive note which of course is what this new blog is all about, having a blocked nose seems to be helping me pronounce the "Bveh" sound in Spanish a little better. See I only just recently realised there is no V sound in Spanish. V is pronounced more like a B but it's a soft B like Bveh. Anyway, I seem to have a better pronunciation when I have a decent quantity of loose bogies in my nose.


Football now, and having taken on board Paulie Two Thumbs' Premier League predictions I think I'll consider a few myself this evening if you'll indulge me. I've already had a some monies on Maraoune Chamakh and Chicharo to win the golden boot at awesome back-to-lay prices of 26.0 and 34.0 respectively.

I'm giving some serious thought to laying Manchester United for a top four finish. I know they always some how find a way of winning and there's always the fact that Ferguson sold his blackened soul to Beelzebub many years ago, but even when you dance with the devil the music stops eventually.

I look at their squad and I wonder, I wonder I does, who is going to put the ball in the onion bag for them? Wayne Rooney is now on forty a day and has a physical age of 46, Michael Owen can't put his boots on with tearing a muscle, Berbatov can barely stay awake long enough to make a run into the box, which only leaves Chicharito - who of course is awesome - but he can't do it ALL himself. As for the defence...blah.

The logical conclusion then is Arsenal to triumph. It's all so clear now. Probably by about 15 points and me and Andrey Arshavin to be mates and play chess together on Sundays.

I'm obviously going to choose West Ham as a dark horse for a European place as they have the awesome Pablo Barrera and with an Israeli in charge who probably has contacts at Mossad, as long as he's not asked to storm a passenger ferry I can see them having quite a decent season.

I have a feeling the Championship will be won with a record low points score this season, so West Ham on the handicaps +38 is my dark horse wager of the day.

Now then, my throat is irritated. I need a hot lemon drink. So I'll leave you with some Mexican Primera División wagers for this evening which you may wish to invest in when you get home pissed as a fart;

San Luis v Chivas - San Luis win 2.18 (I hate to betray the Goats, but I pick this only because I feel Chivas will be focused more on the Copa Libertadores on Wednesday)

Atlante v Monterry - Monterry win 2.42

Jaguares v Toluca - Draw 3.44