Death bollocks

I'm quite intrigued by the possible signing of Per Mertesacker (which means death bollocks) as he appears to be an actual proper player. At 6ft 6" and being German there is surely little chance of him crying too if he gets hit by the ball or collapsing emotionally if someone shouts at him.

However, I do wonder if putting such an enormous angry German in the same defense as an unhinged Polish goalkeeper of equal size will be allowed under the terms of the Geneva Convention and the stringent environmental health and safety regulations of Islington Council.

If they get the hump with each other it could create a mini Big Bang similar to the one created in that Hadron Collider thing in Switzerland when they smashed lead ions together and a couple of dead mice they found in a cupboard.

I actually spoke to a guy who knows the club's kit man's next door neighbour's window cleaner's son's Chemistry teacher and apparently there is some concern within the club about the dangers of ending life as we know it if there's a mix up at the back.

"There is concern, but the alternative is signing Gary Cahill, which is even worse." said Mr Bradley of Heathfield Comprehensive school in Pinner.

I like the idea that Arene Wenger was never really interested in Gary Cahill and his £6m offer was just a diversionary bid to draw attention away from Mertesacker and give Bolton an opportunity to make twats of themselves at the same time.

* * *

In other news, I'm having some problems with my nose at the moment. Having to wear nasal cannula things all the time is making it very sore. The constant oxygen flow dries out my nose and it bleeds, plus my bogies are enormous. Also the little bit that seperates the nostrils is all red and it's starting to look like Amy Whinehouse's hooter.

The answer apparently is to apply a soothing water based gel to the affected areas, and K-Y jelly is the recommended product. But of course I am not willing to ask a female pharmacist in a crowded Boots for a tube of KY Jelly as it so synonymous with anal homosexual nookie.

I've already been in once to ask for some poo powder to unblock me after all the cheese cake and codeine I've ingested recently. And when I asked for some bum cream to help sooth my arse grapes I don't think my disguise would have fooled them even if one of my fake breasts hadn't burst.

Fun times.

Friday spot the ball competition

(click to enlarge)

Hooray it's Friday, much the same as any other day of course but hooray nonetheless. To celebrate the beginning of the weekend we here at the blog have 24 cans of Kestrel Lager to give away in this week's spot the ball competition.

Print your entry out and send to the usual address. All entries soiled by obvious jizz splodges will be considered invalid. The age old "I spilt some yoghurt on it" excuse won't fly with me thank you please.

Oh pwetty

A word cloud of the last few days' blog entries. I'm having it made into a duvet, which you can buy for £500. Gold!

Man gets moth caught in ear

A dude watching football in his living room got a moth caught in his ear and had to go to A&E to get it removed. He tried using a toothpick to remove the pesky little critter and then made further attempts with his Dyson vacuum cleaner, but to no avail.

Eventually he went to hospital and they were able to suck the little guy out using some sort of surgical ear vacuum thingy.

This reminds me of the time when I got out of the shower once and a moth flew up my cock! I tried for hours to suck the little blighter out with my vacuum cleaner but the nozzle created an airtight seal around my penis and I had to go to A&E with it attached to me.

I was in the waiting room for seven hours as it was a Friday night and the place was full of drunks. They didn't seem to believe me either when I finally got to see a Doctor.

The nurse and the doctor were both female and they looked at me like I was some sort of pervert. I had the last laugh though when they finally pulled the vacuum cleaner nozzle off me and a huge moth flew out of my Japs eye along with a thick string of my seman that sent them screaming in disgust down the corridors.


True story.

Happy new year

It's quite likely that 2011 will be one of the most miserable in recent memory for us all because of us all being doomed, but let's at least give it a chance.

For now, I personally am just thankful 2010 is over. Many years ago I predicted 2010 would see the end of the world. I fancied the Chinese would have launched their attack by now.

It doesn't look like I was far off, they certainly have the world's financial organisations by los huevos.

I almost persuaded myself to go out tonight and drink away the final hours of such a miserable year, but I chickened out at the last minute. I simply can't tolerate a new year's eve level hang-over anymore. It would undoubtedly land me in the big house for at least a week, so I'm staying in and will tackle my jigsaw instead.

Feliz año nuevo mis amigos