31 January 2011

Back to school

Once the winter's over (in about three hours by my clock) I'm going back to school people. I've got to stop drifting through days napping and eating sammiches and only occasionally reading a book or tackling a tricky a crossword.

By home schooling myself not only will I be a more accomplished quizzer, I'll also be able to reassure myself that my life is more constructive and worthwhile than my best friend's fish Tommy Boy.

I will only have a three day week however so I can have Wednesdays and Fridays off. I will have double home economics on Tuesdays but I'm not doing PE or RE ever. I'll be doing Spanish instead of French and my days will begin at 6pm instead of 9am.

Assembly will not be compulsory either and I won't have to wear a uniform. In order to prevent myself form slacking off I will have to write myself a note if I'm sick. My term time will be continuous. My education will last at least until I have read every book in my house, am fluent in Spanish and I can make a nice casserole.

*I have just received news Tommy Boy is in fact dead, however, my home schooling will go ahead as planned.

Tommy Boy 1996-2010

29 January 2011


1 ..4 ..3 ..5 ..10 ..2 ..6 ..9 ..8 ..7


I've got it! It's Roman numerals. When you convert the above sequence of numbers to Roman numerals it becomes palindromic. Blimey I should have got that sooner. Back in the day when I was clever I'd got that immediately.


Don't you dare tell me this isn't funny animal rights people.


Every Friday we like to attempt the Friday puzzle on Prof. Wiseman's blog. Usually we do OK...and we find we have more success if we refer to ourselves in the third person as it's like drawing on a collective intelligence.

This week's puzzle has got us all stumped though, especially me. The poser is this; in what sense is this order of the numbers from 1 to 10 palindromic?

1 ..4 ..3 ..5 ..10 ..2 ..6 ..9 ..8 ..7

I just can't figure it out. How is this palindromic people? How HOW?? IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

I thought maybe it had something to do with 1 and 7 being prime numbers, 4 & 8 being divisible by 2, 3 and 9 being divisible by 3 and so on, but then we have 5 and 6 and our theory is destroyed. I fear it is something very simple and I'm looking so far beyond the obvious I may never solve it. Try it yourself.

* * *

In the meantime..I was just watching Thunderbirds...awesome! International Rescue were able to save the day which was fantastic because for a minute when the music got all dramatic, I did start to wonder. Makes you wonder really. I mean I know they're not affiliated to the US Government, but what would we do without Americans saving us all the time?

What if no one had ever discovered America and the whole country was just populated by those silly Indians in tee-pees still, all girly long hair and dancing about in feathers. This blog would be in German for one thing.

Anyway, so the Tracy brothers - three of them have got blonde hair and two of them dark brown hair!? The two eldest brothers have the dark hair. This suggests to me that there's been some extra-marital nookie in Daddy Tracy's past.

Is Lady Penelope the mother of the blonde brothers? Is that like one of the sub-plots of the series? The boys think Mummy Tracy tragically died, but really she's the posh sort they all secretly fantasise about and would take their turns with in the pool house if Gerry Anderson ever diversified into puppet bongo films.

This explains why Daddy Tracy was more upset with John than Scott when he found them both wearing Lady Penelope's underwear and experimenting with their urges together. Suddenly it all becomes clear. If only I could unravel the mysteries of Wiseman's puzzle as easily.

Scott Tracey pondering a healthy sexual fantasy yesterday

Blonde haired John Tracy, sporting a pink sash
wrestling with his Oedipal thoughts yesterday

28 January 2011

FA Cup

As the planet continues to heat up to a point which will make all life unsustainable probably within days, it's remarkable how f**king cold it is outside. In this sort of weather there's very little to do other than buy the Co-op's entire stock of crumpets, butter and PG tips and hunker down until we're all boiled alive just by opening the curtains.

Until I am poached like an egg, there's just enough time to place some FA Cup wagers. I've invested some money in a Yankee which will require wins for Everton, Aston Villa, Torquay and Bolton if I'm to be able to afford to build a shelter to protect me from the 1000˚C heat that will beat down on my little Town even in the winter months, because man has selfishly chosen to drive to work instead of cycle.

If for some reason the heavens don't fall and the seas don't boil, I've left myself a few quid back to have a bet on Mexico to beat the might of Bosnia and Herzegovina on February 9th.

But first this:

27 January 2011

Taken as Red

It came to my notice this afternoon that Andrey Arshavin's dip in form coincided with my removal of the "Russian of the week" side bar picture on the blog which of course always featured our favourite diminutive commie Gooner.

So it's being reinstated today hopefully before he's gone completely at the game. We hope Andrey understands the blog has always considered him to be a beautiful man and true Gooner, but at the same time we'd appreciate it if he could just run a bit quicker and maybe not sort of give the ball to the other team quite so often.

Man gets moth caught in ear

A dude watching football in his living room got a moth caught in his ear and had to go to A&E to get it removed. He tried using a toothpick to remove the pesky little critter and then made further attempts with his Dyson vacuum cleaner, but to no avail.

Eventually he went to hospital and they were able to suck the little guy out using some sort of surgical ear vacuum thingy.

This reminds me of the time when I got out of the shower once and a moth flew up my cock! I tried for hours to suck the little blighter out with my vacuum cleaner but the nozzle created an airtight seal around my penis and I had to go to A&E with it attached to me.

I was in the waiting room for seven hours as it was a Friday night and the place was full of drunks. They didn't seem to believe me either when I finally got to see a Doctor.

The nurse and the doctor were both female and they looked at me like I was some sort of pervert. I had the last laugh though when they finally pulled the vacuum cleaner nozzle off me and a huge moth flew out of my Japs eye along with a thick string of my seman that sent them screaming in disgust down the corridors.

True story.

Some tits

26 January 2011

Time gentlemen please

Where did it all go wrong eh chaps?

When Rupert Murdoch helicopters in to sort everyone out who's suing him we all suffer (don't sue me Rupert I'm ill).

He makes the PGMO assign a linesman who's a female woman to the Wolves v Liverpool game, and makes sure a bunch of microphones are pointing at Andy Gray and Richard Keys when they make the sexist comments he knows they're going to make because he'd have made them too and they're just poorer less intelligent versions of him and suddenly every one in the country going to work on Thursday will be terrified of holding any conversation with their co-workers that isn't strictly job related and ultra PC in tone.

It's of course fantastic news that Richard Keys and Andy Gray will no longer be allowed to spoil football - at least on Sky Sports - but the wider implications of these sorts of squabbles are never healthy.

The equality these rules and regulations endeavour to bestow on our society simply cannot be mandated by law. It doesn't work that way. You can silence people's prejudices, but you can't stop them thinking them in the first place which is what we're really after no? Sacking people and fining people for their own opinions is not progressive, it's decisive, isolating, counter-productive and misguided.

Is the feminist cause better served by Andy Gray not being on telly? Is Sian Massey's career going to be smoother now and less obstructed by chauvinism? I fancy not. All it's it's done is baffle everyone and made everyone who thinks like Andy Gray, which is a lot of people, even more resentful towards womenfolk pissing about in football with their silly way or running and inability to grow a thick tash.

It takes aaaaages to iron out the creases of people's prejudices as it can only be done by exposing them time and time again to evidence that counters their antiquated nugget headed beliefs. All the column inches and howls of derision aimed at Andy Gray together were far less effective than Sian Massey actually calling that one off-side decision correctly during the game.

I thought that was all rather poetically ironic and it made them both look suitably ignorant. That the one contentious issue in that game just happened to be an off-side decision and just happened to involve the referees woman linesmans' assistant female official lino.

She got it right and that really should have been the end of it. Helen Chamberlain could have had a big laugh at them both on Soccer AM on Saturday, we could all have a joke about it and enjoyed a country wide hug and we'd all have been better people for it.

That's the way of dealing with this nonsense, just more of that to shut the Andy Grays of the world up. More women folk making more correct off-side decisions. Simples. It might take longer, but it's far more effective than sacking everyone. Am I right or am I right or am I right? Right.

"Good win for Barnsley last night Pat?"
"Let's just empty t'bins shall we Ron."
A typical casual conversation at work as of today

Everyone sacked following comments made by everyone towards everyone

The blog has received reports this morning the British economy is on the brink of collapse following the sacking of everyone!! Just under 30 million people lost their jobs this morning after disparaging comments made by everyone towards everyone appeared on YouTube.

Offices, building sites, hospitals and shops remain closed as we speak as sexist, racist, ageist, islamophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, anti-semetic, chauvinistic, imperialistic and xenophobic Britain collapsed under the weight of it's own prejudice. Details of dismissals are arriving every minute.

At a housing project in Tackley, Oxfordshire the entire workforce were dismissed for "overt sexism" after they subjected a single mother walking home from dropping her kids off at school to suggestive and threatening whistles and calling her "love" in a manner unbecoming a manual labourer.

Several bricklayers were over heard agreeing that "they would" and were fired on the spot by project manager Keith Talbot 56, who then sacked himself for admitting that he probably would too, but not before dismissing carpenter Martin Keynes 23, for describing the arse of the mother in question as "like trying to fit three eggs into two shells." Page 3 of a copy of the Sun was also found to be sodden with drool.

The housing project in Tackley where everyone
was given their marching orders this morning

Hospital wards lie empty too as nursing staff up and down the country were summarily dismissed for "institutional patronising and condescending attitudes to sick and old mental people."

At Tameside Hospital, Human resources manager Debra Prollock 48, told me, "we had to let our nursing staff go. The infirm and mentally incapacitated want to be treated equally not medically.

"They don't need to be referred to as 'pet' or 'darling' and by medicating them and cleaning up their piss and sick we deny them the dignity that all elderly people deserve. They didn't fight Hitler so we could deny them the right to wipe their own fannies and indeed, cocks.

The blog understands the only business currently still open is a Post Office in Croydon. Joan Hospice 74, was initially sacked by her manager David Sandals 28, for inciting racial hatred when she whispered to him she felt a bit anxious when a black youth entered the premises carrying a hand gun.

However, Mr Sandals was then shot seventeen times in the face by the youth before he could file Mrs Hospice's dismissal papers so she has remained at her post, but only after tackling the gunman, securing the assailant's arms with her bra and sitting on him until police arrived.

*update -- I'm now hearing Mrs Hospice was arrested by police and has been jailed forever for indecent exposure, calling him a toerag and contravening the gunman's human rights. Those same policeman have also been dismissed by the Metropolitan Police for violating her human rights. All other police men and woman have also been fired for similar violations.

Mrs Hospice yesterday

"Society will now collapse within hours, babies will rot in the gutter, but it's right and proper that no single man, woman or transgendered individual is more fucked than any other." said Harriet Harman as she dashed off to catch a flight to somewhere far away from everything she stands for.

25 January 2011

Freeeakin' me out

Saw this car illusion on Richard Wiseman's blog today. All three cars are the same size. Crazyness. And they are too, I video photoshopped it to make shoowa.

Andy Gray reacts to his sacking earlier today

24 January 2011

I've never trusted male Nurses

Arrogant patronisig hypocritcal bastard: Paul Nurse yesterday

The BBC exists purely I think to make me angry. And I pay them to do it! I'm less resentful of involuntarily paying $200 to two plastic titted whores in the back room of the Glitter Gulch in Las Vegas to work me over a few years ago than I am of the £140 a year I pay the BBC for my license fee just so they can lie to me and patronise me in my living room. Bastards.

Paul Nurse will I hope live long enough to feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed for his part in taking science and the Royal society over the cliff tops like lemmings over AGW. Some day soon this entire bullshit movement will be proven to be wildly exaggerated bullshit and exposed as a politically motivated heist of the general public's taxes.

Horizon on BBC2 tonight was standard blinkered BBC climate change hysteria. The analogy used to try and embarrass AGW sceptic and Telegraph blogger James Delinpole for example was false and really quite pathetic given they claimed to have interviewed him for three hours and this was apparently their knock-out blow.

James Delinpole does appear to be a bit of a prat, but I don't think Paul Nurse did his side of the debate any favours if this was as ignorant as they could Delingpole look after a three hour interview.

He was asked 'if a dear relative was suffering from a fatal disease, would he opt for the "consensus" treatment recommended by doctors, or advice to drink more orange juice offered by a fringe maverick quack?'

This is a bullshit analogy for many reasons. Let's ignore the fact that a fatal disease by definition cannot be cured - Primarily this is a bullshit analogy because Climate science is in it's infancy and medicine isn't.

If we apply the same conditions to the illness question when medicine was in it's infancy the patient would have been quite right to ignore the consensus treatment as that would probably have been a course of leeches.

And what about climate scientist Stephen Schneider who actually was diagnosed with cancer and did refuse the consensus treatment because he was sceptical about it's efficacy. Meanwhile Dr Schneider refuses to recognise the doubts of those sceptical of research in his own field. How does Paul Nurse reconcile those two contradictory opinions?

Comparing maverick quacks in medicine to perfectly well respected scientists who question AGW is an impoverished argument and contrary to everything science and the Royal Society should stand for. It's also a classic sign of insecurity.

I'm quite sure they know the wheels are falling off their little bandwagon, but they're going to ride it until it collapses anyway along with the public's respect for any forms of science. Thanks to the IPCC and people like Paul Nurse the general public will eventually lose their trust in all branches of science including medicine. The dangers of this are obvious.


Sky Sports draft in new presenters for Monday NIght Football

"I guessed" admits Massey

Linesman who's a woman Sian Massey, 25, guessing yesterday

The female linesman who's a woman Sian Massey, subjected to sexist comments by Richard Keys and Andy Gray prior to Saturday's Premier League match between Wolves and Liverpool has conceded that while she was deeply offended by the chauvinistic attitude of two of the highest profile pundits in the game, she really doesn't understand how off-side works.

"I know everything else," she explained to her Mum who told a friend of mine who told me. "I know all about football and all the rules and everything, but off-side is a mystery to me. I just guessed in all my exams and was lucky enough to have gotten more than half of them right, which is roughly about the same as everyone else."

"I know there are phases," she continued. "And there's something about being inactive or passive or something isn't there? In the heat of the moment though when everyone's running in different directions it all gets blurry and I panic."

"It's much easier in women's football because of course, no one gives a fuck about the game. I was just lucky at Wolves that I was right, plus Torres is so fit, his eyes made me almost climax several times in the first half."

Equalities minister and Glamour Model Teresa May also conceded that she didn't understand off-side either, but "could spot a couple of wankers when I see them.

"I mean these red faced, fat, small dicked, retards spend hours each week slagging referees off for not understanding any of the rules of football let alone off-side, then as soon as a woman runs the line this is suddenly forgotten and it's only women who don't get it.

"It's my guess they probably tried to get a blow job off her before the game and she told them fuck off."

Richard Keys and Andy Gray meanwhile compounded their sexist faux-pas by blaming the erosion of Britain's moral centre on immigrants. In the Naked Turtle bar last night Andy Gray with his arm around Richard Keys, declared with a raised voice, "we've all had a drink but, immigrants are ruining this country Keysie, coming over here stealing our jobs and women and beating up our pensioners. If I had my way I'd send them all home to Timbuktu tomorrow."

Keys with his head resting on the bar amongst several empty shot glasses sarcastically replied, "if you did that we'd be out of a job Andy, there's isn't a Premier League team that could field a team of English players together. And Karen Brady wouldn't have any foreign cocks to suck. Bitch, they can say what the want about me Andy but I'll never be the biggest cunt in the game while she's still involved in football."

Two really nice guys: Andy Gray and Richard Keys yesterday

23 January 2011

Da Bears

I'm laughing as I type this as my NFL handicapping Labrador Bruce from Chicago has sent me a text assuring me the conditions in Chi Town are perfect for a Bears win this evening. It's currently cold as fuck and as we know, the only way the Bears can really beat the Packers tonight is by applying maximum pressure to Aaron Rogers.

Labrador Bruce observing conditions outside Soldierfield yesterday

The colder the conditions (hopefully it will snow too) the less effective Rogers' arm. The Bears defense is healthy and will be keen to break at least four of his ribs as early as possible. The Bears need to keep the ball for as long as possible obviously if they're to keep Rogers out of the frame.

The weather and home field advantage makes this much easier. The running game for Chicago is the key. Drain the clock, win the game. It's so simple. The coverage of the Packers wide receivers will have to be perfect also.

They're better than the Seahawks and any opportunities for turn-overs cannot be missed. NO! Lots of pressure of Rogers, lots of possession when they have the ball and good coverage and the Bears win. Easy peasy.

We have not laid our Superbowl winner bet off yet. If you recall we're on the bears at 42.0. They're now trading at 7.0. This is way too high to be laid off. Once the Bears win and the Jets win later on tonight, then a small lay may be executed.

The end.

Keys to success

Richard Keys and Andy Gray were over heard yesterday during Wolves' game with Liverpool slating a female linesman for being a woman.

Assuming their microphones were turned off (or not really caring either way), they were heard expressing their disbelief that a female should be entrusted with the responsibility of flagging incorrectly for off-sides in a Premier League game.

Richard Keys who is very hairy, commented, ‘Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her.’ Andy Gray who is really fat now and Scottish responded through gritted teeth, 'Can you believe that? A female linesman, women don't know the offside rule!'

'Of course they don't' agreed Keysie, 'I guarantee you they'll be a big one today and Dalglish will got potty. This isn't the first time is it, didn't we have one before?'

While Andy Gray seethed quietly in his chair, Keysie continued, 'The game's gone mad. Did you hear charming Karen Brady this morning complaining about sexism? Do me a favour love.'

The pair who together weigh the same as a horse continued their seethe for some moments but conceded that despite Brady talking 'utter feminist shite' they both still would and agreed she probably 'bangs like a shit-house door in a gale.'

Richard Keys was asked to comment about his diatribe by the Daily Mail but denied any memory of making such comments. When he was informed there was a recording of his observations, he said 'well you don't need me to comment then do you.'

This is the second time he's been caught making inappropriate comments off camera: If you recall a few years ago he was over heard making disparaging remarks about a football ground in the Faroe Islands.

Of course while Richard Keys is undoubtedly an unpleasant man, we here at the blog have to endorse these comments fully and welcome further such impromptu outbursts during Sky's coverage of football as they liven up what have now become quite tedious broadcasts.

22 January 2011


So as I suspected, anteing up for the DTD Grand Prix yesterday was a pointless investment. In real terms I found soon after my arrival that while I was there, I wasn't really there. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

The reasons for this I think were threefold; firstly I have come to find the behaviour of many many amateur poker players simply too absurd to take these events seriously.

Secondly, and more importantly, I've gone at the game. In my defense this is not because I've softened into a craven nancy boy incapable of voluntarily putting chips into a pot without holding the nuts, it's simply that I become knackered after a level or two and can't summon the requisite levels of adrenaline to remain competitive.

It's a young man's game you see and with my 90th* birthday approaching I have found over the past few months that I prefer not to be awake for longer than four or five hours at a time. These deepstack tournaments are too long and I found yesterday, especially after the guy I traveled with had busted out, that I simply didn't want to be there.

Thirdly and finally, the Pigeons game has destroyed my ability to read a hand properly and apply any sense of perspective and practical analysis to a 'proper' poker tournament. I've submitted a paper to the British Journal of Crazy recently where I present my research into a sort of poker equivalent of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought about by exposure to too much crazy at the Pigeons.

They say that when a soldier has been exposed to the conditions of war it becomes almost impossible for him to readjust to normal life when they return home. Daily life can seem to have little sense or purpose and too mundane as to not be worth major effort.

The evanescence of any motivation to do anything can then have a profound effect on the person's ability to accomplish anything. I hypothesise in my paper the conditions of the Pigeon's game can have a similar traumatising effect when one returns to 'normal' poker.

Sadly, the only cure for Post Pigeons Stress Disorder is electric shock treatment to sever ones short term memory. Elsewise one can treat the condition by retiring from proper poker, watching more Bowls on telly and sleeping more.

* * *

In other news, at least later on today my Heinz 57 wager on this afternoon's Premier League footballing fixtures will provide me with enough monies to buy an awesome new bed which I really need as my water bed is sometimes hard to climb out of in a hurry.

And on Sunday the Chicago Bears will overwhelm the Green Bay Packers allowing me to pay for accompanying awesome bedding hand woven by naked Egyptian virgins who will personally deliver it and sing me to my rest each night and before my daytime power naps.

*I have calculated that there are 2.44 'CF' years to a healthy year.

20 January 2011

Warsi, what is she good for? Absolute nothing huurgh

Women insisting on playing rugby, yesterday

People often say to me, 'Why, why shouldn't women play rugby, why shouldn't they play cricket, why shouldn't they be allowed to drive cars?' And I say to them, apart from of course that they're incompetent and no good at any of these things, it serves as a foundation for more dangerous feminist movements.

While women playing cricket may seem ostensibly harmless, it leads to them wanting to do other things which can have potentially very serious consequences for us all. Baroness Sayeeda Warsi being a perfect case in point.

If you give women access to rugby pitches it's inevitable that they'll want access to 'other places' (quite literally in the Baroness's case) which simply aren't safe for anyone without a Y chromosome. They become a danger to themselves and us.

As if allowing women to serve on Submarines hasn't put enough of us in harms way, we're now allowing them into the Houses of Parliament.

Fortunately at the moment they're number has been kept to a minimum to satisfy equality quotas. Warsi herself in fact has gotten where she is today because she conveniently ticks three equality boxes; she's female, Muslim and dark skinned.

But, while they're influence in the law making process maybe minimal, their status still gives them a voice and quite a loud one too in some cases so we're compelled to listen whether we like it or not.

Today Warsi used her foghorn of a voice to deliver a dangerously provocative and quite astonishingly hypocritical speech in which she accused us all of being bigots for allowing the proliferation of "Islamophobia."

This is one of the scariest words currently being shoehorned into our lexicon. It is a direct consequence of thirteen years of egalitarian nonsense from the previous Government. We have found ourselves in a place where no one can reasonably criticise anything without being accused of being phobic.

A phobia is an irrational fear. There's nothing irrational however about fearing Islam. It's a brutal, homophobic, misogynistic, medieval religion which advocates suicide bombings, the mutilation of female genitalia, forced marriage, honour killings and silly ridiculous facial furniture. And all of this occurs in Britain not just Islamic countries.

To accuse people of Islamophobia is as absurd as accusing the population of 1930's Britain of Naziophobia or not giving Fascism a fair go. Had the same intolerance of criticism existed in the 1930s there may never have been a second world war as we wouldn't have been allowed to voice our concerns.

If Baroness Warsi really wants to establish which group of people are intolerant and bigoted why doesn't she sit in a Church and listen to what's being said and then pop down to her local Mosque and compare the two experiences. Which group is calling for non-believers and apostates to be slaughtered and which group is organising a raffle to help raise funds to mend the hole in the roof of the village cricket pavillion?

19 January 2011

Adam and Eve or Martin and Steve who cares?

Well now this is all just so much bullshit one doesn't know where to begin.

The facts M'lud: An elderly couple, Hazelmary Bull and husband Peter, run a Bed and Breakfast establishment. The Bulls take the Bible literally and consequently do not allow whoospies to share the same bed because God thinks it's nasty.

So, in September 2008 when Martin Hall arrived for a dirty weekend with his civil partner Steve Preddy (if only Martin had been called Adam) they were refused access to a room with a double bed and thus the most pointless, counter-productive and petty legal proceedings were set in motion since McDonalds tried to copyright the name "McDonald" in Scotland.

The Bulls claim this is their home and they should be allowed to deny anyone access to it for any reason they see fit. Quite right too. Only on this occasion it's not their home. It's a business. It's a guesthouse, not their home. They just happen to live there too and the laws of the land supersede any bigoted obligations to ones faith.

If you can't accept that the discrimination and prejudices required by your religion are incompatible with the laws governing your business, then I'm afraid you need to find an alternative source of income.

For the gay couple involved..they really need to ask themselves some searching questions about themselves and what they're doing with their lives. And perhaps whether bankrupting an elderly couple simply because they share the same Christian beliefs as millions of other people in England including the Prime Minister, is really going to help the gay-rights movement or improve their lives in anyway.

I mean really homosexual community who think this is a moral victory; I could understand your frustrations if they'd have booked into a Premier Inn or Travel Lodge only to be told that whoopsies can't share a room, but this was a guesthouse run by people who are pushing seventy.

They're from of a generation that simply holds a different set of values from contemporary society. They're probably still cautious around Germans. Of all the people and organisations in this country who are openly discriminatory who can seriously undermine the rights of minority groups, why choose a harmless old couple who'd rather not let homosexuals hump away at each other in the spare room?

Let's be clear about this. Mr and Mr Preddy-Hall chose to book themselves into this guesthouse specifically because they had heard the couple were Christians and had in place this prohibition on homosexuals sharing a double bed and simply wanted to make a fuss, which they have now succeeded.

But have they ended discrimination towards homosexuals now? Will Christians across the country now accept that their antiquated beliefs should be jettisoned because the EU thinks they ought to join the 21st century? Or will they simply be infuriated by the pettiness of these men, dig their heels in and take their frustrations out on any other gay couples they might come into contact with in the future?

Discrimination and prejudices are very ugly and of course we all want to see them disappear from society, but this is not the way. The problem with crusaders like Steve Preddy and the disabled keyboard warrior Jody McIntyre is their actions have nothing to do with eliminating discrimination and everything to do with just getting noticed in the hope that it will allow them to deal with their own insecurities about themselves. But do they feel more secure now they've had their day in court or in retrospect do they feel they'd have been better served just booking into a Travel Lodge and accepting that are more dignified and productive ways to go about highlighting prejudice?

16 January 2011


Not a full 24 hours after blogging about the imminent extinction of the human race as we know ourselves at the hands of the Chinese, I tune into coverage of the snooker on the BBC to find that the two finalists of the Masters are Chinese!!

In your face all those of you who sent me comments accusing me of Xenophobia (a Chinese word surely?) and being mad. Since when do the Chinese play snooker? They'll be playing darts next.

How long until the best player and team in all sports is Chinese? They've even got someone in the NBA for fucks sake. I estimate no more than five years. Just long enough for us all save ourselves. All we have to do is stop eating Chinese food and wrap our children in foil.

In other mildly less sinister news, I went for a sammich and some snacks an hour or so ago only to find the ominous sight of a large murmuration of Starlings hovering above my street.

Usually at this time of year, for about a three week period, they dump up to eighteen gallons of shit on my car each evening before heading back to China or where ever they're from. I was hoping with the cold weather and the unexplained deaths of thousands of birds in random parts of the world that they might not show up this year. Hopefully there's still time for them all to catch flu.

I'm going to have a nice cup of tea now before the NFL play-offs where of course the Chicago Bears, who we were able to back at 42.0 some weeks ago, will defeat Seattle and their crazy old man head coach who belongs in a Scooby-Doo cartoon, rather comfortably.

In the later game obviously the Jets will win by a comfortable margin as New York always beats teams from anywhere near Boston.

Finally, as we speak Totterington still cannot beat Manchester United. This is ridiculous. It's like the Gods don't want me to have any money at all. I never soil my principles again by better on evil.

15 January 2011

Kick a man when he's down

Chicharro Sanchez earlier today

As we speak Mob member Alan is in Spain competing in the APAT Southern European Championships of the World poker thingy. In fact I'm just now hearing in my ear piece he's completed the "competing part" of the mission having lost his chips to a lady called Chicharro Sanchez and is now probably playing Black Jack.

Amusing "Chicharro" is a Spanish fish. I believe it's a Mackerel. Evidently he just couldn't get her to lay her hand down. If only he'd have had Chicharro and chips for lunch he might have picked on some one else.

Here he is post-busto having a consolation drink looking both pissed off and frightened wondering how the fuck he managed to stumble into the only gay bar in town.

Fuck my life: Alan wishing he was somewhere else yesterday.

Judgement day

The tempestuous weather today may just be the beginning of the end of the world. There are ominous signs in the betting markets. I'm afraid one can't ignore the fact that West Ham are good value at 7.0 to beat Arsenal this evening and Totterington must finally fling the Manchester United monkey from their backs tomorrow at nearly 3.0 by securing all three points at the 24th time of asking.

Arsenal of course exist purely to keep me in a perpetual state of neuroses. By beating Chelsea for example, they teased enthusiasm from me like someone milking venom from a Viper. Left exposed and vulnerable they then crushed my spirits by only just managing a single corner in two games against Championship opponents.

West Ham by all accounts are about to be set free from the death warmed up countenance of Avram Grant and it's quite likely they'll play this evening with a freedom akin to the Munchkins' liberation following the death of the Wicked Witch of the East.

Tott**ington of Sperz are surely playing well enough to finally beat Manchester United. How Yoonited keep winning despite having such an average squad is almost as baffling as the longevity of Emile Heskey's international career.

It's a legitimate phenomena and in truth this game has a draw written all over it, however there's some movement in my bowels and it's not the Jalapeno popcorn I ate yesterday, it's a stirring that's telling me Totterington will have their day.

"..and he opened the markets for the Premier League and behold, there was a great earthquake. And the sun became as black as sack cloth, and the moon became as blood and the seas boiled and the skies fell, but Arsenal were a lay and Tott**ham were value." -- Judgement day

14 January 2011

Shall we go for a Ruby

Seventeen year old nightclub "dancer" Ruby yesterday

If you're out on the lash with Silvio Berlusconi and he suggests you go for a Ruby it might be prudent to clarify just exactly what he means by that. Is it the spicy kind that leaves you sweaty and choking for water or the stuff you get in Indian restaurants.

Berlusconi 74, is currently embroiled in allegations that he illegally compensated 17 year old Ruby for sexual relations at his Villa outside Milan. His defense team claim the Italian Prime Minister "did what any normal red blooded male would do when a slut wafts her tits in front of his face and no money was paid."

While the Judiciary are unlikely to accept this, polls show most Italians don't care either way. In Italy the age of consent is 14, yet sex with a prostitute under 18 is illegal. Essentially if he hasn't paid her it's OK.

Conspiracy Hatcher

So I spent today in between snoozes and the eating of sammiches cataloging my diaries. I've kept detailed diaries of my research since the mid 1990's ever since the run-in I had with a Chinese special agent.

He claimed of course to simply be delivering my spare ribs and prawn crackers, but I saw through his pathetic double-speak and took the prudent decision from that day on to commit all of my thoughts to paper for posterity.

Some day many centuries from now, Man will free himself from Chinese bondage and I hope my diaries will survive until then and serve as a window into the past to help them understand what it was like on Earth before the occupation when we ate with cutlery instead of sticks so they can begin again.

Anyway I digress, I came across an interesting observation I made in the early part of 2004. I had noted an uncanny physical resemblance between Teri Hatcher and Michael Jackson and recorded a correlation between his ill health and subsequent reclusive life style and her acting career coming off the rails.

Indeed Teri Hatcher has not been seen in public since several weeks prior to Jackson's death and the only conclusion one can draw from this is in fact that they are one and the same person. And of course when you rearrange the letters in her name and exchange some of the letters for some other letters you get Mirral Jatha - which is of course Chinese for "Michael Jackson."

How long have the Chinese been producing these androgynous celebs and why? Well it's difficult to say, but Chinese gender confusion is genetic engineering at it's most sinister and has been used by them for centuries to conquer many worlds across the galaxy. The reason Chinese people all look the same is because they don't want us knowing who are the infantry soldiers and who are the nurses and secretaries.

This way they can plant crack troops trained to fight in high heels in secretarial positions of strategically important locations or more sinisterly as nurses without arousing suspicion. It's of course no coincidence that up to 35% of all nursing staff in the UK are now from the Philippines which my sources tell me is the head quarters of Chinese special forces - Hereford with sweaty weather if you will.

One can only assume the Michael Jackson/Teri Hatcher experiments are an attempt to assimilate us into their armies. They're turning us all into each other and have been I think, since, the pioneering but unsuccessful amalgamation of Ronnie Corbett and Sandi Toksvig.

It's difficult to say how far this process of integration has progressed, but it is of course clear that it will be impossible to reverse. This can mean only one thing people, we're doomed. I myself am packing up my stuff and moving deeper into my cave and I suggest you do the same. It's every man for himself. Good luck everybody.

Oh by the way, I found the missing piece of my jigsaw, Yay!

12 January 2011

So anyway..

I failed in my attempt to put a profit and loss account together for last year's wagering and pokering. I fancy I must have done OK as I have more stuff now than last year and I can still afford to visit the Subway people. Keeping records is silly anyway.

I will be keeping track of my Pigeon's game results this year however, I'm hoping it'll focus me and motivate me to untangle this Gordian knot of a poker experience. Not easy with the addition of two players recently who break every law of poker each week and make Stevie v.03 of old seem like quite a solid player.

"Records are silly anyway, Kylie Minogue makes records, I just want to win."-- A Premier League footballer whose name escapes me at this time.

11 January 2011

A sad day for Paulie Two Thumbs

Cheltenham yesterday

I'd just like to take this opportunity to offer my condolences to Paulie Two Thumbs who is recovering at home as we speak following an eight hour seethe after doing his conkers once again this afternoon betting on a nutter who can barely be relied upon to put his clothes on in the right order.

While it's true Ronnie O'Sullivan is quite good at Snooker, it's also true unfortunately that only 5% of his brain controls his cueing arm, while the remaining 95% controls his crazy.

Consequently while 4/1 seemed like attractive odds given how he can polish off a 147 break in 30 seconds, it remains a medical fact that at any waking moment he is only 2/1 to start masturbating and 3/1 to set himself on fire.

Paulie Two Thumbs had only just recently secured his "Cheltenham" money. I fear after today's monumental reverse he won't have any money for the Cheltenham festival in March either. Chin up fella, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Messi wins Golden Balloon

The modern game may have turned into a farcical parade of pomade scented male divas skipping about the pitch like an appalling herd of homosexual show ponies, but there are still one or two proper footballers around who remind us of how the game used to be played before it skewed off on a tangent that would make the game unrecognisable to generations of fans who grew up watching players hack each other half to death with no injury time ever required.

We of course have no time for stinkin' Argies on the blog, but credit where credit is due. Every twenty years or so a player comes along who you must acknowledge regardless of whether his DNA is laced with mendacity and skulduggery and his heritage one of chicanery and ill thought out invasions. Unfortunately this player for past two generations has been a stinkin' Argie.

10 January 2011

Can't see the woods for the trees

I've been very busy today if the truth be told. I've made some real progress with my jigsaw and I've made a start on trying to work out how many hundreds of thousands I won last year betting on sports.

But what I'd like to discuss at this time are the motives behind this Jared Loughner character's shooting spree. The liberal media is laying the blame at the door of the Palin types because of their violent rhetoric in their political speeches, but I fancy they're just using this as an accuse to put the boot in a bit. The Democrats have taken a hiding recently and they're hoping they can exploit this massacre and score some points.

If you look at the dude's reading list thing on his My Space page for example none of these books are ultra right wing in nature. If anything they're left-wing; he's got the Communist Manifesto on there as well as Mein Kampf, 1984 and Animal Farm. His obsession appears to have been with Governmental control and conspiracy theories - the staple diet of Mercan whackos, so it's quite likely he would have shot Gabrielle Giffords even if she was a Republican.

That's not to say of course that Sarah Palin's rather incendiary speeches are a good idea. If you give enough crazy people enough access to enough guns and tell them often enough that a certain group of people need targeting, then it's a fairly safe bet that someone will take the metaphor seriously and act on those speeches.

For my money however, this Jared Loughner fella just seems to have been a drug taking crazy person without any real understanding of what he was reading and coupled with the blistering heat of Arizona and having no friends it's just all been too much for him and his only means of dealing with it all was to gun some people down.

America will now try and dissect this shooting and miwyans of theories will be offered by many an arm chair psychologist as to what was going on in this young mans mind; what was he reading, what was he listening to, what were his politics? But it might just simply be a case of crazy people and guns don't mix and when they do usually a massacre occurs.

What was I saying a few days go about zebras and horses?

9 January 2011

Awesome predictationing

click to enlarge

I've tweeted about a winning wager, but not wishing to be accused of after timing I thought I'd post the proof for posterity.

Having had my nailed on treble destroyed by Sunderland and Newcastle yesterday I decided out of frustration to have the remaining £95 of my Betfair account on a penalty to be awarded in the Yoonited game.

Inspired wagering I think you'll agree. I've made many monies from predicting penalties this year. I'm probably the best in the world at it. I will now return to the Star Trek TNG omnibus. As you were.

Down with this sort of thing

Come on now America enough is enough. What on earth are you playing at? I've long suspected the best thing America can do to prevent another civil war between the big sandal wearing liberals and the gun touting Republicans is to set fire to that stinking Constitution, but I fear it's too late even for that.

It is of course at the source of everything crap that occurs in the US of States. So jolly well come along and burn the damn thing anyway. Are you grown ups or not? I know you read my blog America, my stats tell me you do, so listen here, are you honestly telling you can't behave decently towards one another without consulting that silly document written over two hundred years ago?

Whenever someone justifies their behaviour by saying the Constitution gives them the right to do it you know it's something unpleasant. When will you people learn that just because a tatty manuscript gives you the right to do something, it doesn't mean you should actually go and do it.

Guns for example are the obvious case in point. I don't care how nasty your neighbourhood might be, you do NOT need an automatic weapon. You don't need the kind of hardware the British Army fighting in Afghanistan don't even have access to.

While our soliders in Helmand Province are having to shout BANG in Arabic at the Taliban to save ammunition, there's millions of Mercans with M16s at home just in case some one tries to steal their telly.

You know damn well the second amendment was a necessary addition to the Constitution at the time because John Bull might arrive on the scene at any time and steal your town and ravish your womenfolk. Well you face no such threat anymore. Certainly not from us anyway. However much you like to think you are, you are not at war.

Or at least not from a foreign enemy or the stinkin' A-rabs as you call them, or the Commies. The biggest danger to America's way of life, freedom and liberty and so on are the freakin' whack job Republicans and those tea party loony toons.

The Sarah Palin's and the Jesse Kelly's embedded in their metaphorical fox holes in the US political landscape are the most dangerous people on the planet as we speak. These people are unhinged, fanatical, war mongering xenophobes. It's because of these sorts of people that you can't even watch a game of Baseball in America without genuflecting to the military.

It is of course no coincidence that Jesse Kelly's "Target Gifford" campaign has resulted in Gabrielle Gifford actually being targeted; shot at point blank range in the brains. And when Palin's map of potential Democrat seats up for grabs are highlighted with gun sights and her speeches peppered with gun touting "lock and load" rhetoric aimed at all those heinous traitorous Mercans who dare to oppose Wars or elect a stinkin' jihadist to the White House, it's no wonder people are actually getting gunned down by crazy dudes who can't think for themselves.

This can only end in tears as far as I can see. American politics is in some sort of gridlock. It has a checks and balances system to prevent the President from going all Dictator on every one, yet this same system makes law making impossible in Congress when you have two parties with such wildly opposed ideologies and when one half of the house is crazy.

How on earth can some one who thinks Mexicans ought to be kept out of the country via an enormous wall be persuaded to compromise and think intelligently? It can't happen. The only way forward here is another civil war. Obviously the south wins this time as they have all the guns, which I'm sure it as the source of this second amendment protection, so of course we're doomed. Doooooomed.

We should not give up on America. They are after all our progeny and what parent could ever simply abandon their children simply because they've gone mental? However, I myself am taking the precaution to move my stuff deeper into my cave because some times you must also let your children make their own mistakes in life.

I'm telling you people, this will not have a happy ending. Sooner or later the Chinese will start to turn the screw and the Jesse Kellys and the Sarah Palin types know of only one response to such threats to their sacred way of life from outsiders. Unfortunately for us..we're in the middle.

I know kids, I'm scared too.