14 July 2011

The fable of Rupert and Gordon

Rupert the Australian scorpion was making his way to Tellyland from Newspaperland when he came across the great River Backscratcher. At the banks of the river he saw Gordon the Scottish frog, a half blind dour looking grumpy old sod counting a bunch of money he'd stolen from the local village elders.

"Excuse me," says Rupert, "can you give me a lift across the River Backscratcher to Tellyland please."

"Yes OK," replied Gordon, "I mean, no..OK yes..actually no..I'm not sure." dithered Gordon.

"Please just make up your mind I'm old and in a hurry. In return for a lift across the river I'll kill any of your enemies in Tellyland," promised Rupert. "My venom is incredibly toxic."

"No," frowned Gordon. "If I carry you you'll sting me and I'll die."

"Of course I won't," denied Rupert. "If I did that we'd both die wouldn't we?"

After twenty minutes or further dithering Gordon agreed and Rupert hopped on Gordon's back and they began their journey across the river.

As they approached the bank, Gordon was about to make the big announcement of their successful passage across the river when Rupert raised his tail and drove his stinger down deep into the back of Gordon's head.

"Urrgh you bastard, you utter bastard fucking bastard, why did you do that? I've shit meself!" screamed the betrayed Gordon. "Now we will both die!"

"I'm very sorry, but it is my nature," explained Rupert the Scorpion.

"I will destroy you." vowed Gordon and clasping him between his legs they both sank down into the murky depths of the River Backscratcher never to be seen again.

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