The End Credits

CABRONES,

If you’re reading this I’m afraid it’s because I have passed on, and not before time.

All of how I felt about life and death is well documented on this blog and the old one (http://voyporustedes.blogspot.com/) for all to see so I’ll spare you a lengthy grandiose philosophical goodbye speech.

You should all know for the most part I enjoyed my life, but am glad it’s over now.  In truth my life ended some months ago.  Had it continued any longer I would simply have died of boredom.

“Judge a man by the company he keeps.” Who said that?  Someone clever. Whenever I experienced any kind of crisis of conscience about the kind of person I was, I just reminded myself of the company I kept.  I always had such awesome friends…surely, they couldn’t all be wrong?

They probably won’t make a movie of my life, but I want to thank you all for the parts you played in my story.  It could so easily have been a painfully depressing straight to DVD waste of everyone’s time and money, instead you made it at least as good as anything Keanu Reeves was in and for that I thank you all from the bottom of blackened heart.

Right, I better go.

Via con dios, mis amigos, be careful out there.

Rich

Toot Toot

Is it me or does the "Fußball Arena München" look an awful lot like the Hindenburg airship that caught fire and disintegrated over Lakehurst, New Jersey attempting to dock after it's trip across the Atlantic 75 years ago on May 6th, 1937.  

I hope this isn't an awful omen.  I hope we're not now about to see a further Squareheaded disastrous disintegration inside a massive bubble.  As you may have gleaned, we here at the blog are invested in the Champions League final this even in favour of the Boche.

Jerry are clearly favourites, but making it to the final has taken its toll on their squad numbers. Player attrition on both sides in fact has meant the final will be played out with many of the best players watching from the stands.  

For this reason we are on Didier Drogba to score in 90mins at 12/5 as the dudes who would usually have covered him - Badstuber(?) and Alaba are suspended.

There's been talk of figuring out a way of preventing so many players from missing the final as a consequence of silly yellow cards.  My idea is for the managers to tell the players to stop getting booked needlessly.  And then, for the players to actually not get booked needlessly.  Only get booked for whacking another player so that it leaves a bruise, that's what I always say. 

We're also invested in Blackpool to win the play-off thing today in 90 minutes 3/1.  If there's a team that can come third in the league and then lose in a play-off final to a team finishing fifth and eleven points behind, it's West Ham.  Sam Allardyce deserves no better of course.

Finally, we've actually back a horse today.  I'm not keen however.  The Nile 3:20 newmarket 5/2.  If there's a bet I could have back this week, it would be this one.  But never mind.  You've got to laugh.  I'm off now for a snooze and then to prepare for winning so much money i'll be able to own Facebook in five years time when it's worth less than a book.  All abroad the good ship Hindenburg.  Toot Toot!

The day havoc cried

I haven't often agreed with Alex Ferguson, which I'm told keeps him awake at night, but I did when he was asked "how he felt" that night in Barcelona when Manchester United had just beaten Bayern Munich in the Champions League final with two injury time goals.

"Football, bloody hell!" was his response.  Fucking hell, was mine.  What else can you say really at moments like that, but bloody hell? Or a solitary, Fuck?  It sums it up perfectly. Bloody hell.  Rare moments those.  Those are the moments when I justify my love for football to myself, which is becoming an increasingly hard sell.

I warned on Saturday of the coming of chaos, and I think it's fair to say that was rather prophetic.  There's no other experience that I can think of off the top of my head that can put a person through such a torrid storm of emotions in one and half hours. The fact that it is just a game is irrelevant.  The emotions it provokes are very real and it's emotions that remind us we are alive.

But, life without pain has no meaning and after forty four years of it, Manchester City fans' lives have had enough meaning, they were ready for the good stuff, the stuff that makes no sense but you love how it feels.   

I was just blogging a few days ago about how the recent Manchester derby would be forgotten as it wasn't a title decider.  Arsenal's night at Anfield I explained, was a moment in history never to be repeated.  Well, I didn't expect City to score two goals in injury time to win a game they were losing to QPR - the team with the worst away record - and steal the title away from absolutely devastated rivals Manchester United.

United's players were still on the pitch in Sunderland trying hard to maintain their composure before they were officially proclaimed champions when City's winning goal was scored.  The announcement of 3-2 to City rather than Manchester United are Champions was not immediately understood by their players.

You almost felt sorry for them.  Almost.  That second of disbelief.  That horrible second where you hope you've misheard and the blood freezes.  The frantic search for a way for this not to have happened.  Then the realism you have been royally fucked for posterity.

It was such a moment in footballing history it has left me completely indifferent as we speak to Arsenal's qualification for the Champion's League again next season. The tottering ton's won, and that would have been intolerable for them to have qualified while we waited for Chelsea to seal our fate.

I'm sure the relief will wash over me when Chelsea either beat the Squareheads, or we thank our lucky stars when Totterinton are losing in the qualifiers to one of the big European teams they could end up playing, but for now,.... football, bloody hell! 

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war

West Bromich, yesterday

The military cry of "Havoc" was the instruction for the soldiers in the middle ages to go mental.  To pillage and chaos.  It's football equivalent, the whistle to start the games of the last Sunday of the season, is about to be blown.

Hold on to something chaps.  Especially if you're from Manchester.  Or if you support Manchester United.  I've got something stirring in my bowels and it's not that chicken Mexican wrap I ate yesterday. 

I was instructed by a higher power to invest a few shillings at 7/1 on Manchester City to win the derby game but for Manchester United to win the league.  Seemed like a standard throw away mug punt at the time.  But I'm now not so sure.  QPR only need a point to stay up.  That's park the bus-able.

I like it now.  It feels right.  I have visions in my mind of rows of rows of City fans in sky blue shirts hands on their heads in speechless despair.  A despair that is unique to football.  

As for Arsenal's trip to West Bromich.  Win or lose I still only see despair.  Whatever happens to Arsenal, at least we don't live there.

Good luck everyone.

Edit: Oh..out standing wagers's's's...(not sure if outstanding should be one word, only the will tell):

We've got a final mug's Yankee; wins required for Norwich, Stoke, Swansea and Sunderland.

We've backed Getafe (6.0) as we just cannot find any justification for Zaragoza being favourites (despite needing the win to stay in the La Liga).

Manchester United to become champions (second half of bet at 7/1 that needed City to win the derby game a couple of weeks ago, but United to be crowned champions).

Finally, we need the squareheads to win the Champions League next weekend.

fini.

Real Zaragoza again?

What are the chances of my blogging about Real Zaragoza two posts in a row? Totally unrelated posts too.

They have a chance to kick me in the bollocks once again.  And once again it's me going looking for it.

I have a routine in the morning.  I "get up" at about 8:00am.  I have a shot of morphine to take the edge of the day (why wait until the day's actually over?) make a cup of tea and I sit down at my computron to find out what's happened in the parts of world I'm interested in; Arsenal blogs and boards, Blonde Poker betting thread, the Twitters and the fucking hilarious Clients from Hell website.

I then absorb what I've been taken in - the knowledge and tea - during a nice nap.

Some time later I get back up again and re-read what I read earlier, just to make sure it wasn't a dream.  Only this time I have a sammich with me instead of tea.  I know, I know..you already wish you were me.

Anyway, three of these websites interconnected today.  Real Zaragoza was the common denominator.  They are priced at 1.64 to beat Getafe who are priced at 6.0 to win the game. The draw is trading at 4.5.

Now if you didn't know anything about the teams or the game, you'd assume Zaragoza were the home side or the form side at least or both, no?

As with the Premier League, this Sunday is the final weekend of La Liga's Primera Division. But it's Getafe who are safe.  Real Zaragoza need to win (and we here at the blog of course hope the are relegated because of the Nayim thing in 1995).

So how is a team second from bottom priced at 1.64 against a mid-table team with nothing to play for?  An equivalent fixture in the Premier League is Stoke's game against Bolton.  Stoke are the hoe team, they're safe in the league and favourite's to win the game at 2.4.  Bolton are 3.1 and must win.  The draw is 3.7.

Real Zaragoza has won 7 of the previous ten games, but is that all that's justifying the price? If they're second from bottom still after winning so many games how shit must they have been when they were losing?  They must have lost almost every week.

I don't see how a team who can still be second from bottom after winning seven of their previous ten games can be such a favourite against a team with an average record for the division.

In all games in Spain where this circumstance exists, where a team fighting for relegation is playing a "safe" team - the team that need the win always seem to be favourites.  But the results from previous season don't seem to warrant this cultural bias.  It's very mix and mash as to who wins.  There is no undeniable history of the safe team just giving the points away.

I'm assuming I'm missing something here. I'll back Getafe and then find out their striker for the game will be a fan who's won a competition run in the Club's match day programme to win a place in the starting line-up in the last home game.

I'm sure I'm missing some huge piece of information everyone else but me is aware of.  But until I find it I'm investing in Getafe.  I'm also backing Stoke to beat Bolton.  Stoke I think are the kind of team who never give anything away without a fight.

We will discuss Arsenal's plight tomorrow if we can bear ourselves to think about it.  I might just argue the cases for the Championship winning contenders.  I'm not so sure it's done and dusted just yet.

Nayim from the half-way line

May 10th. Paris Day.  The seventeenth anniversary of the crappest day of my life.  My friend and I travel to Paris to watch the Cup Winners Cup final.

When you read the ingredients of a Pot Noodle you know it's going to be bad for you, but you eat it anyway....despite us being college age, football loving, British lads on the piss on European soil, French soil no less,  we genuinely thought this was going to end well.

My Dad told me not to go.  Pleaded actually.  He knew me better than I did.  He also knew the world better than I did.  I'll be fine I thought.  What could possibly go wrong? It's me. Of course I thought that, I was 19 and my actions as far as I was concerned, held no consequences.

So off we set on Tuesday, arrival in Paris about 8pm, and arrested and locked up, at about 2am.  Oops.  Don't you hate it when your parents are right?

As it happens, they lets us out the next day roughly an hour before kick-off.  But with a mix-up with our tickets..(we didn't have any), we found ourselves at the ground needing some fast thinking to get inside.

Fortunately the French have very little scruples and health and safety regulations to them are adhered to up to a point where they become inconvenient so we were able to offer one of the guys at the gate a few Francs to let us in.

Hooray.  It'll be OK now we thought.  The luck is going our way.  As it happened the luck was not going our way.  I did see Arsenal's goal.  It was our end too.  But I also saw their second goal as it was almost hit from our end.  Nayim, from the half way line.

Why did it have to be him? Ex-Tottenham player, from about 50 yards, the 119th minute.  All we had to do was make it to penalties.  David Seaman was the penalty saving king.  Disaster.  And when the final whistle went, and we were pepper sprayed and beaten (again) by the French Gendarmerie, and cajoled down endless cobble stoned Parisian streets in silence, in the dark, whiteout a hotel room to go, to be so far from England, I couldn't help but wonder was it all worth it.

Course it was.  Fucking brilliant.

Target men

When the fans demand Arsenal buy a target man to ease the pressure off Robin van Persie I'm not sure this what they're talking about.  I think putting the team out in a shirt that looks like a big target is probably going to be counter productive.

Why don\t kit designers sod off?  These things aren't fashion gah damn you.  It's tradition.  Anyone who wears a football shirt out on a Saturday night is not going to have a job and he will almost certainly live with his mother.

There's no point targeting this demographic for their disposable income is spent entirely on computrons.  Leave fashion for people who go out.  And just protect football shirt traditions.  Arsenal play in red and White with white sleeves.  No blue.  And they wear yellow shirts away.

I know there have been Greens, whites and what nots but just do what I tell you Nike.  I know you read my blog. You're making us look like Man Utd nearly.

Mr and Mrs

Guess we know who the husband is. 

There was an article once in the current bun about Solomon Kalou and Obi-Wan Mikel behaving like a couple when they're together.  You can read it here in fact.  Apparently they're inseparable, and that was literally the case as the two began humping each other after the FA Cup final this afternoon. 

It was disgusting actually.  Really it was a fucking disgrace.

There were kids in that stadium and Catholics.  This is not some homophobic rant.  I would be saying the same if it was John Terry with a team mates wife.  There's a time and a place is all I'm saying.  Public displays of affection are just inappropriate.  Rabid humping like this was not that long ago illegal.

Hair

What is going on in Snooker with the hair-dos the players are sporting?  What..what are they trying to say with these arrangements?  In some cases they must really take a lot of time.  In all cases they look fucking ridiculous.

I know it's the 21st century and I'm not suggesting everyone should sport a short back and sides, but also, not everyone is David Beckham.  There's a limit to what you can really do with your hair before you just look like a twat.

David Beckham can do anything.  He can do anything to his hair, wear what he wants, he will always look cool.  Just because you do a game as a profession, don't think you can get away with Beckham's fashion statements.

Try to bare in mind snooker players, you are snooker players.  You are some of the most unhealthy looking people on telly..probably worse than darts players.  Don't flatter yourself,..whatever you think your hair will do for  your appearance, it won't. Would you put parmesan cheese on spaghetti hoops?

Mark Allen and Judd Trump especially...I've marked your card.  I suggest you make some changes.

Big day on the fitbah

It's all very tense stuff now each time the weekend rolls arounds.  Football, or fitbah, as they call it in the northern colonies which must be a gaelic word perhaps, is an unforgiving mistress at this time of the season.

This season more than any other in recent memory has churned out some crazy results.  Hopefully Arsenal's quota has already be filled this season with loses against Blackburn, swansea and more recently QPR and Wigan.

What we need now is for Arsenal to close out the season without any dramas with nice easy wins against Norwich tomorrow and WBA away next Sunday.

However, in case the Gods are still fucking about, we'd like to see Totterington lose to the absolutely appalling Aston Villa on Sunday.  Although we're actually on Villa for relegation - some compensation if Totteringtons do win.

We'd also like to see Manchester City to beat Newcastle.  Newcastle have more than a chance of winning this game.  It's at the Johnson and Johnson Sporting Goods Arena or whatever Newcastle's home ground is called now officially.  And I think it's fair to say after 35 games they're a genuinely good side.

We all thought they would disappear and end up about 11th but credit where credit's due.  Only Sunderland this time ended up doing that from the North East this year.  As a contingency wager, we're on Citeh to win the derby game but United to win the Championship.

I'm kind of looking forward to the FA Cup final.  Not sure why.  Liverpool are the luckiest team in the wide wide world of sports when it comes to cup games. I just have a feeling in my boots though that Kenny Dalglish is finally going to find out how it feels to lose a Wembley cup final.

There's something so unpleasant about Dalglish.  More than just his over-sized incisors which we assume he needs to kill chickens in the night.  His smugness, his misery, his arrogance to think he can manage a Premier League club in the 21st century when really his time was back there was one live game a week on the Big Match and the equivalent of Soccer Saturday was the vidi-printer which began showing scores at the end of Grandstand on BBC1.

Minors strikes, the IRA, football hooliganism, these are the things I associate with Dalglish and the sooner he's replaced with someone  less crushingly depressing the better we'll all be.

I'm backing Drogba to score any time 13/8 with BoylesSport - assuming he plays.  His record playing Liverpool or playing at Wembley is 15 goals from 34, which is almost exactly 11/9.  And why not?

Stoke

The ethnically rich, multi-Culticultural Stoke.

Look at the little blonde kid at the front thinking he's all big and tough.  This was from November 1996, so he'll be in his mid-20s by now.  If he's not in prison or hiding from the CSA for the upkeep of seven unclaimed bastard sprogs he'll have probably been at the Britannia Ground at the weekend screaming abuse at Aaron Ramsey for breaking his leg underneath Ryan Shawcross' boot.

Like plane crashes - for Stoke, evolution is clearly something that just happens to other people. 

It's up for grabs noooooooow..

On Friday I was convinced it was Sunday. Today I'm convinced it's Sunday again! What's so big about Sunday? Why do the Gods want me to think it's Sunday?  Sunday was no big deal.  Totterington managed to win and the rains came.

I think perhaps it's all the guff about this Manchester derby this evening that has made me think it's Sunday.  It's not like this is really even a proper title decider.  Not in the same sense of the word as Arsenal's last game of the season against Liverpool in 1989.

There's a generation of whipper snappers out there who won't know what I'm talking about, which is outrageous.  They should teach this game in history classes.  This is a moment in football history that still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I think about it.  

Lord knows what noise Gary Neville would have made had he be commentating on the game when Michael Thomas slipped the ball past Bruce Grobelaar.  The last kick, of the last game of the last season of an era.  

Surely the most incredible ending to a game of football ever.  Certainly league football anyway.  Man United's win against Bayern on the Champions league was crazy, but that was a one off match..things like that happen all the time.

This was the culmination of an entire season.  The season of Hillsbrough too, which would see football changed forever.  Arsenal needed to win by two clear goals.  No team had beaten Liverpool by two goals at Anfield for three years and Arsenal hadn't won there in fifteen years.

Man City will win tonight and we'll have two more weeks of the season.  The FA Cup is still to come and the Champions League final.  By the time this season is over no one will remember this game.  People will be talking about Michael Thomas's goal for ever and ever.

Amen.

Gorillas in the mist

It's a nasty business having to wake up to the realisation your team have to play Stoke away in the pissing rain in a few hours time.

Recent estimates put their fans at a quarter of a billions years behind the rest of north western Europe in evolutionary natural selection.  They are closer to the animal kingdom in fact than for example, people who go on Eggheads.

They are the most horrible scum.  Really the last team you want to play apart from totterington when you need three points to consolidate your position in the league.

Win today and Arsenal are there really.  I won't be wagering on the game, although if I was I'd back overs 2.5 on broken legs if Ryan Shawcross is playing.

I have backed correct score 0-0 (8-1) and 1-1 (12-1) in WBA's game against the Villa.  This is of course mug punting, and I fancy Villa have still got enough time to be relegated as they must surely be the worst team ever to play in the Premier League  - save some of the totterington sides of recent seasons managed by Spaniards no one ever heard of.

However, Alex McLeish seems to be under the protection of some sort of Jock football God who takes care of all Scotch football managers when they come south of the wall, saving them all from seemingly inevitable humiliation.  It's the only way to explain the careers of Alex Ferguson, Kenny Dalglish, George Graham and little Gordon Strachan.

So anyway, rather than getting soundly beaten, they're bound to escape with a draw.  It is written.  I've also had a small investment in QPR to beat Chelsea.  This is a wager I regret even given the 7-1 price.  There is a chance Chelsea will begin resting players now for the FA Cup and Champions League final. But there's a week until the FA Cup and the CL final is ages away, and there's only so long you can rest a player before it becomes counter productive.

You can't let John Terry have two weeks off, that's too much time for him to get arrested for slapping a teenaged black girl in McDonalds because his coffee wasn't milky enough. Terry likes his coffee like his team mates..white.  Or something like that.

So anyway, it's hard to see QPR winning this one.  I'm also going to invest in a saucy Everton, Sunderland double.  And I suggest you do the same. And why not?

Oh..Snooker.  Having watched John Higgins playing Stephen Hendry last night I have taken the prudent step of never ever betting on Snooker again. I think I would have questioned Higgins' shots last night even if wasn't a confirmed cheat already. Amazing really he's allowed to play the game still.

Bobbies

The Daily Mail explains all you need to 

know about the modern British Bobby

Is this really a policeman or is he a soldier?  Very sinister if this is a policeman.  He does have the word POLICE written on his chest, but why the balaclava?  And if he's SAS should he not have the intellectual capacity to cover up his tattoos? And maybe not walk in such a gay manner?

This is bad news if this is a policeman.  You'd never approach this guy if you needed assistance would you?  Excuse me constable, can you tell me what the time is please?  This dude is not employed to assist the public.  If you tried to talk to someone kitted out like this you'd be talking your life in your hands.

People like this bloke don't take out a note book and ask you what happened.  They come crashing through your living room window and some time later you wake up in a bunker somewhere in South London.

Sir Robert Peel fought very hard to keep the Police from becoming what they are fast becoming as he saw Militias and Gendarmeries as soldiers of corrupt States.  And that is essentially what we have now.  

You'd think having the police armed in this way there would be no crime.  But it's hard to go out to the shops for a sammich these days without being stabbed by a five year old.  Crime is usually out of control in totalitarian countries.

We're living in one of Stanley Kubrick's films and Police forces protecting the state now not the people is a clear indiction of it.  

Ostensibly because of staffing levels, if you've ever been mugged or burgled you may see a policeman sometime that night, but they will only advise you to get better locks and call your insurance company.  

In reality police numbers have never been higher, they're just not used on the streets any more.  They're not accessible to us.  If the Prime Minister however is in town to open a school or academy for academically gifted homosexual Muslims then these guys are deployed on every roof top over looking the school at a cost of £50,000 each.

Bring out the gimp

This limited skirmish in London this afternoon where a man so incensed by the soul destroying infuriating effects of a call centre finally did what we've all wanted to do and attempted to go round to one personally and blow it up, has required some of the policemen involved to dress up in a rather macho and homo-erotic way.

Is it really necessary for them to look like this..

and this..

They obviously think they look awesome, but all I see is a cross between Sylvester Stallone's Cobra and the Gimp from Pulp Fiction.  I'm more impressed by the Bobby in the second picture who seems very unimpressed by his butch colleague and is coping just as well with being in such a dangerous area in his regular uniform and truncheon.

The tesserae of my weekly wagering mosaic

"Miraculous recovery Fabrice, but sadly Bolton have let you go and 

Arsenal don't want anything to do with you.  How do you feel about that?"

Chelsea qualifying for the final of the Champions League was a rather nasty bit of telly all things considered.  However, no one wants to see Chelsea celebrating and Jeff Shreeves swiftly arrived on the scene to piss on their bonfire by informing Bratislav Ivanovic live on air that his booking during the match means he misses the final.

I haven't seen an TV interviewer ruin a sportsman's finest moment since Claire Balding humiliated jockey Liam Treadwell who had just won the Grand National, by advising him to spend his winners pay check on getting some nicer teeth.  

I still don't think Chelsea will win the Champions League, but if they did it would be bad for those team chasing third and fourth place in the Premier League.  Chelsea as holders would take up one of England's four spots so whoever ultimately does finish fourth, assuming it isn't Chelsea, would go into the Europa League instead.  The horror!

Wagering wise, I am invested in Bayern Munchoon to qualify tonight for the final at 7/2.  I've backed 0-0 and 1-1 final result, although I don't remember doing that.  I am also on Bayern to win the whole thing at 9/2.  

Elsewhere this weekend I am on QPR to beat Chelsea this weekend just incase Chelsea are now done with the Premier League and putting all their eggs in their CL basket.  I've had a cheeky £20 investment in Villa to be relegated.  They look bloody awful and McLeish deserves it.  There's still time people.  Still time.

I've backed Dani Pedrosa to win the Spanish MotoGP this weekend and Neil Robertson to win the Snooker.  Finally I have an outstanding wager of £20 @ 14/1 for Jose Mourinho to become the next England manager.

Good luck with all my bets.

Football through the looking glass

Well now, as it turned out, last weekend's Arsenal/Chelsea game was a rather damp squib.  Clearly both teams had got together before the kick-off and agreed to an outcome that would be mutually beneficial.

That's the Italian way.  Sort the result out before the kick-off and then you're free to just fling yourself about during the game with all manner of silly theatrics and nonsense.  I like it.

It would leave one of our players out for the season, but as there's only three games left now, and Theo Walcott kind of irritates me, that's not too bad.

Moving on to the Champions League, something I can't see Totterington Hotspurs doing,  I fancy Barcelona and the Squareheads to qualify.  For some reason I just can't see Barcelona and Real Madrid lining up in the centre of the Allianz Arena to play out the final.

I can't see how Chelsea can possibly win their semi-final so this only leaves us with the Hun getting past Madrid.  And there's some history to support this outcome which I fancy is relevant.

Also, I have backed Jerry at 9/2 to win the whole thing, so this may all just be confirmation bias on my part, but we will see.  It's been a funny old season and the things that should be happening haven't been happening.  If Everton for example, aren't losing at Old Trafford then something in the heavens are wrong.

We must make the most of this.  Good luck with all your bets.

Big game

If you happen to be a Gooner as I am you'll agree that today's confrontation with Chelsea is by anyone's definition, a big game.  It's only just dawning on me just how big.  If the Arse lose, it's quite likely that they will not qualify for the Champions League next season.  This would be a disaster.

The conditions are about as favourable for Arsenal as the football God's are likely to offer.  Arsenal are the home team.  We are the fillings of Chelsea's Champions League semi-final sammich against Barcelona - a game Chelsea are winning - and Didier Drogba, who always scores against Arsenal, is not playing because his trunks are still wet.  

Arsenal are almost home and dry if they win this game.  If they lose the consequences don't bear thinking about.  Playing Europa League matches on Thursday nights in countries where David Hasselhoff is number one and everyone eats cabbage for breakfast.  And spending season after season in the Premier League trying to desperate to qualify for it.  If this goes wrong today Arsenal could be looking at the next ten years in the wilderness or being like Totterington.   

You know how when you got scared as a kid you'd put on the radio or listened to some happy music or talked about something fun. Let's do that shall we?  

Let's discuss today's wagers.  Oh good, something cheerful.  Actually I'm enjoying a reasonably successful week so I have full confidence is today's investments.

I've placed a cheeky double that will require Newcastle to win and Fulham and Wigan to both score in their game.  I also need a snooker player to win.  I forget his first name but his last name is Bingham and he's playing Stephen Hendry.

I heard tell on the Blonde message boards that the acne plagued sweaty has been playing in China all week and must therefore be fatigued.  And by taking monies from the exhibition games he is essentially compensating himself as he expects to get knocked out this weekend in Sheffield.  I don't follow snooker, I haven't followed it since Steve Davis was good, but clearly this is a fantastic wager.

I loved Steve Davis back in the day and see Hendry as responsible for knocking him off his pedestal.  So I've always disliked Stephen Hendry - not as much, of course, as Dennis Taylor who I could happily push in front of a bus - but quite passionately nonetheless.  Anyone contributing towards the destruction of Stephen Hendry is welcome to carry my money.  And this included Floyd Mayweather.

Good luck with all my bets.

News and sport

An Apple college nerd in the US of States attempted to commit suicide in New York's flag ship Apple Store last week by pressing down on his head and poking his belly button.

Brandon Woykowsky 20, of Yonkers, NY had apparently failed to come to terms with the death of Steve Jobs and the fact that he bought his iPad3 a day after it's release.

Store "Genius" Jossy Okinowya was on hand to re-boot Mr Woykowsky in time to prevent any loss of memory.

Ironically, still burdened with painful memories he then went home and shot his parents before turning the gun on himself.

I love a happy ending.

* * *

The "Special" relationship between the UK and the US of States has taken an even more one-sided countenance over the past few months it has been admitted by the Foreign Office.

"They don't give an actual fuck about us," conceded the FO. I'm paraphrasing, but the set-up at the moment is we'll follow them like a love-sick puppy into the really horrific Vietnam type wars which last a generation and destroy entire countries and leave hundreds if not thousands of lives in ruin not to mention the countless families destroyed by the losses and injuries sustained by our Forces.

Meanwhile, the US of States won't even lift a fucking finger to help us in what would be a piece of piss Argentina type war, lasting about a sodding week if we had the proper assistance from our supposed fucking allies who really owe us a favour wouldn't you say?

"So erm..this is what you meant by assisting me in battle? Playing table tennis?

I was thinking more about wiping Argentina off the face of the map."

* * *

Lovely to see that all crime now is down. All the figures add up. Crime is definitely down. The figures show it. And of course there is no other means of measuring the level of crime. Except perhaps going outside.

Might the crime figures have gone down because no one calls the Police anymore when they need assistance? No one reports crimes anymore because it's pointless. The police won't get your stuff back for you if you've been burgled or mugged.

If you've been beaten up, the worst is over and you know the Police won't find who did it despite it featuring on several CCTV cameras so you might as well just go home.

The Police will tell you to be more careful next time. They will tell you to get locks on your windows, or not to walk down a particular street at a particular time of day, even if that path is your from path and the time of night is when you're getting home from work.

They will tell you how to cope after a crime with all manner of help lines. They won't prevent crime. They stopped doing that when it was considered better to use them to protect the state rather the people.

To assist the general public there's usually only four of them now covering most of the southern part of England. And the guy who covers the North of england won't go out when it's raining because his windscreen wipers don't work.

"What's your emergency please?..Sorry we don't really respond to rapes anymore.

What are you wearing love? Do you think you might have deserved it?

Why not wear something more conservative next time you go out? Alright darlin ta ra..."

* * *

A group of Liverpool fans confused by all the recent memorials and remembrances and minutes applauses were arrested in Poland this afternoon after staging a protest outside Auschwitz-Birkenau demanding "Justice for the 6,3445,234."

Craig Haldall 42, from Bootle screamed in a foamy mouthed Scouse dialect that can only be properly understood when heard from a distance,

"dee can arrest us all dee want, but I won't stop seekin' justice until the entire top brass of the South Yorkshire police force are held responsible in a European tribunal at the Hague for the deaths of 6 million Jews exterminated during the holocaust."

"You'll never walk alone my 'eeebrew brethren,..people think it were Gerry and the Pacemakers who first sang that first, but it were Moses weren't it."

* * *

Sport now and Chelsea hopefully have deluded themselves into thinking they can actually qualify for the Champions League final after somehow beating Barcelona last night despite having only 20% of the possession.

Much the same way Arsenal beat them last year in fact, only to get absolutely hammered in the second leg at the Nou Camp.

Hopefully Chelsea will rest everyone. Including Didier Drogba who not only always scores against Arsenal, but it fast becoming the most despicable player in World football.

He is a remorseless diving woman. And despite his size he is also very effeminate. I actually think he's a whoopsie. He's got a gayness about him. His facial expressions, his appalling pony tail, his love of the theatre. I know he's married, but so is Ian Rush.

It's just so rare you find one with such a devastating right foot. Usually they're left-footers.

Looks like a goal to me?

Er...a goal, yesterday

I've been staring at this ages and I still think it's a goal. I therefore conclude that where Totterington are concerned there is no need for goal line technology. Tee hee.

I know I know, I'm being childish. It's too important. Referees ruining the game. Sperz would not have lost 5-1 had that goal not stood etc etc. Bloody FA Luddites.

The ref has cost Sperz a more dignified 4-1 walloping and that is farcical. And all the 4th official had to do was look at a monitor. When are the FA going to drag the officiating of the game into the 21st century?

Saturday wagering

So of course as it's the Grand National today it only seems right that we back the winner. So, I've had £35 of your earth monies on West End Rocker. My tactics for backing horses in the National are very simple;- must be carrying less than 11st, cock of no more than 20", not less than 14/1 in the betting, no decent Cheltenham form and no criminal record. This year only one selection stands out. Easy money.

Bet: West End Rocker 17.0

We've changed tactics in our football wagering this weekend. We're abandoning the standard Saturday Yankee and from now on will simply bet against Manchester United and Manchester City in their respective league games as they are both shit.

Both teams are so offensive to me in how unworthy they are as Champions that I find it hard to keep my food down when they're on telly. If I'm to endure game after game of these two squads of over-paid pukes from now until the season concludes, each trying to outdo the other in miserable averageness, then I at least want compensating finically for it. That's what I always say.

Generally the opposing teams are massive prices too so there's no reason why we won't be able to afford cars made out of gold by the time Manchester slump to their 7th successive loss on May 13th away to crazy man Martin O'Neill's Sunderland.

Bets:

Aston Villa (win): 17.0

Norwich (win): 7.0

It's the FA Cup semi-finals also of course and assuming the city of Liverpool isn't too grief stricken over events some 23 years ago to get the game on then really this ought to be a penalty kick for Everton as Liverpool are as bad as Blackburn and only slightly better than Wolves.

However, Liverpool are the luckiest team on the history of football when it comes to cup competitions and for this reason alone they will probably find a way to win 3-0. Kenny Dalglish will then smugly ask everyone who thinks he's shit (which is everyone) what the problem is.

In the other fixture Chelsea will win 3-0 and deserve to as, despite being favourites, Totterington are such appalling creatures that I think I'd rather be molested by a close friend of the family than gain financially from their success.

Bets:

Liverpool (win): 2.74

Chelsea (win): 2.86

Good luck with all your bets.

Throw some shrimps on the barbie

How come right, how come,.. when an American is introduced to someone from Australia (or England who they confuse as someone being from Australia) ..they always respond by adopting their interpretation of an Australian accent. Usually they'll something like, "G'day mate, let's put some shrimps on the barbie."

We do it to Australians too but only because we know they fucking hate it.

But with Americans it's as if they think they're engaging with the person in their mother tongue like speaking French to a Frenchman.

My research shows it's only Australians who are subjected to this moronic and monumentally clueless display of borderline racist ignorance. Chinese people for example aren't greeted with similar invites to share some of their native cuisine. "Haaaarooow, you wanna eat some flide lice? You wanna eat some chow mein gwasshoppa?"

I think this might be down to the success of the Crocodile Dundee films. America's view of the world of course is seen through Hollywood's interpretation of the world as no one as actually traveled anywhere so I think perhaps Americans all assume Australians are all broadly similar to Mick Dundee and Donk and live in dusty roasting hot mining towns called Walkaboutcreek or it's Aboringal name, "Ullerhooleroollagong".

Which actually is true. Forget everything I just said. Punch me in the stomach instead and then we'll throw a few snags on the barbie. Hoo roo.

Calm down

Heysel, where Liverpool fans weren't to blame again apparently

Liverpool's refusal to play football on April the 15th as it's the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster sets a weird old precedent and lacks rational justification.

If they can play a game of football the very same night of a disaster their fans caused, as they did on May 29th, 1985 at the Heysel Stadium in Belgium where 39 Juve fans were killed by stampeding scousers, then they can play a game 22 years after another disaster they contributed to.

Fact is they probably had to play that night in Belgium or Juve would have been awarded the trophy by default. I wonder would Liverpool still refuse to play in the FA Cup this weekend if it meant they had to forfeit their place in that competition if they were a no show?

Tragedies happen. Everyone has lost a family member or a loved one. But society would shut down if we marked every tragedy by staying in all day on all the subsequent anniversaries.

Have some applause, have a presentation, have a sing-song. But play the game. I'm pretty sure the 96 fans wouldn't want Liverpool to postpone the game. It seems like actually playing the game would be the best way to honour their memories especially as it's against Everton. They can all have a good cry together before kicking lumps out of each other. Then settle down and watch the game.

A couple of knife stabbing little fucking hooligans academics, yesterday

Tradesmen law unto themselves even 2,000 years ago

A brothel owner from Magdala, Israel called for the regulation of tradesmen nearly 2,000 years ago after her carpenter disappeared for three days without any rational explanation, according to recently discovered scrolls.

Mary Magdalene, 34 was having some work done on a back bedroom when her carpenter suddenly left for lunch on Friday and didn't return until late Sunday afternoon.

"I couldn't get hold of him at all. I left a dozen messages for him. This is one of my busiest months," explained the woman in her letter to her local senator. "To be fair he did do a cracking job and kept to his estimate, but it was a miracle he finished the work so quickly."

She completed her letter with a P.S..."Oh it's only two days isn't it, But still, so infuriating."

Two thousand years later and it's something we're all still dealing with. Fucking lazy bastards. They need crucifying, the lot of them.

Crazy bananas

It's not every morning you find out you've been doing something wrong your whole life. Unless of course you're married and have a standard wife.

Apparently the best way to open a banana is to pinch the 'bottom' and peel, rather than dig your nail into the stem and peel, as I'm sure 99% of us have done our whole freakin' lives!

I think that means the top is actually the bottom too but I can't handle that at this time so I'll come back to that at a later date. For now, do try this. I just had a banana and it was so easy opening it from the 'bottom'.

Look, I don't know how to feel about this. Just....just go.

How not to open a banana

The right way

Tweeters in glass houses shouldn't throw Bricks

Processor wrong way round showing clearly this whole thing

is a load of old bullshit designed to make money from twats on Twitter

Twitter has yet again failed to understand how the Daily Mail works despite several subtle clues left by the newspaper in the photographs accompanying an article which only the most self righteous sandal wearing hummus eating Daily Mail loathers could possibly take seriously.

The Daily Mail run one particular story on their website. Just one. One that will irritate the hell out of people who use Twitter. People who patrol the site looking for something to be progressive and liberal about who will then launch Twitter and fire off a smug tweet along with the URL for the article and a demand to "RT" the tweet to all of their followers who then go and read the article, who then RT it to their followers and so on.

Samantha Brick's article yesterday about how her life is hell because she is so pretty was a gem. Whoever this woman is, she is borderline average for her age in the looks department. I would say a six pinter if she doesn't wear those silly Daily Mail frocks in real life and if she isn't reeking of garlic because of that comedy Frenchman.

She has the perfect appearance for this kind of article. Just about good looking enough for the reader to think she may be serious so she draws spiteful comments of being delusional rather than being so ugly people just laugh at her.

So of course millions of people flock to the article to ridicule her. She made £30,000 for the Daily Mail after the first article. And £40,000 today after writing another article claiming yesterday's abuse proves her point. Which was then branded so ironic by Twitterers, who still couldn't see the real irony, it could interfere with the space time continuum.

I imagine her real name is probably Helen and she works for the Daily Mail in accounts or something and has volunteered for this as she need a bit of extra cash and she knows no one will recognise her in a week or so precisely because her looks are so average.

Now that, Twitter, is irony.

I'm pretty sure he remembers

Wagering

So,... it's Saturday so it's obviously time to have as big a mug punt as possible. And today is no exception.

I've had a throw away £20 on Sunderland to win as their price of 17.0 is almost as crazy as Martin O'Neill.

I simply cannot accept that Sunderland would only win one confrontation in seventeen against a Man City team who are feeling the pressure and without their best player who has injured his foot having suffered an allergic reaction to Joe Hart's nail polish.

I haven't got the figures back from the lab yet, but I'm pretty sure that crappy teams are priced unflatteringly when they play "big teams". I don't think a team like Swansea for example should ever be 7/1 against any other team in the Premier League regardless of where the match is played.

In a two horse race, even when one of the horses is from Wales, I don't think the disparity between top and bottom of the league can justify a price of that size in a one off game. What I like to do for fun and because it might win me enough money to buy an inexhaustible supply of Pop Tarts, is to seek out a week when there's a bunch of these types of games in one weekend and lump them all together in a Yankee or some such multi-way concoction.

And why not?

So this week, the Sunderland bet has been invested in singularly as it's so big. So our Yankee mug punt of this weekend comprises; Swansea (7/1) to beat Sperz, West Brom (7/2) to beat Everton, Norwich (4/1) to beat Fulham and finally Aston Villa 4/1 at home to beat Chelsea.

This pays nearly £9,000. Just enough for a very disappointing pasty and tank of petrol.

* * *

I understand Villa fans are planning a minute's applause for Stilian Petrov, recently diagnosed with cancer, at the 19th minute of the game.

I like this idea. It's a far more appropriate way of fans showing support to their players whose lives are turned upside down by illness and the general unpredictability of life.

Anything pre-match should be reserved specifically for marks of respect for the deceased and Delia Smith addressing Norwich fans with her foul-mouthed incoherent motivational speeches when she's shit faced.