21 May 2011

Weekend horoscopes

Aries - At least a handful of people will think it's cool that you fucked an expensive prostitute while your wife and children waited for you at home for movie night. However, everyone will think you're a cunt if you take out a super-injunction.

Taurus - I'm afraid there's no justifiable reason to do the school run in your pyjamas.

Gemini - By "making your relationship work" you still appear to mean making him do what you say, isolating him from his friends and denying him even the simple pleasures in life.

Cancer - While it is important to install a sense of discipline in your children, water-boarding them to find out who ate your Toblerone is going too far. Especially as it was your wife.

Leo - There's a heavy concentration of planets in your sign this week which ought to be enough to justify your recent weight gain.

Virgo - One of your strengths is your ability to make objective decisions without your emotions clouding the issue, but you let yourself down this weekend by sucking off three army lads who only wanted directions to a betting shop.

Libra - While it's obviously inconceivable that Rachel from work fancies you or would allow herself to even be alone with you, continue flirting with her anyway because you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

Scorpio - You should be on telly, you're so funny.

Sagittarius - Healthy relationships are built on sharing and openness. So it is of course perfectly reasonable to tell your partner what turns you on, just not when it's her 8 year old son.

Capricorn -Look, just pack it in. You know what I'm talking about.

Aquarius - While you're correct in that not all rape is the same, you ought not to physically demonstrate the difference to all those who disagree.

Pisces - Unfortunately you've reached that age now where teenage boys would likely describe you as a "MILF," that is if you didn't weigh 18 stone and look like one of Jabba the Hut's shits in a flannel nightie.

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