29 May 2011

The calm before the storm

I've just been handed a dossier on the Euro-zone economic crisis from my foreign correspondent, a marmoset called Dudley. He was the first to report from the Berlin Wall in November 1989 that David Hasslehoff would be performing live and earlier that same year was asked to hold the lunch box of a Chinese student who then went off to stare down a line of tanks depicted in that iconic photograph during the massacre of Tiananmen Square. In short, his information is to be taken seriously, and it confirms what we've been saying on the blog for some time now; there's a storm coming, we're doomed and it's every man for himself.

As we speak the CIA in the US of States have concerns of a military putsch in Greece as a consequence of its inevitable bankruptcy. Having organised and financed the Greek coup d'├ętat in the 60s they ought to be able to spot the signs.

The consequences of which will ultimately draw the entire continent of Europe into a war. Unfortunately for us we do not have a Winston Churchill waiting in the wings to see us through this conflict. We have David Cameron who is currently in Ibiza with Pete Tong. And of course even if we did have a Churchill, with all the classic timing of a $5 Rolex sold by a Puerto Rican on 5th Avenue, we have dismantled our Armed forces anyway.

The long and the short of the situation is as follows; there is a natural order to things in life and a united European super state runs completely contrary to it. And when we as humans have the impertinence to assume we can run against the tide in this way it always ends in disastrous violent failure.

Thusly; Greece, Italy, Spain and Portugal are to be jettisoned from the Euro and adopt their former currencies. Other nations will also fall by the wayside causing a level of economic hopelessness in those states, not to mention awful rebel folk songs, that can only be assuaged by violent campaigns engineered by military juntas.

Two blocs of nations will become established across the European continent. Essentially any nation with a laissez-faire attitude to paying tax whose citizens spend most of the afternoon asleep will form one vast army easily identifiable by their Russian weapons and the plumes of feathers on the enormous hats worn by the officers in the tradition of all useless armies.

The second bloc of nations will mainly consist of France, Germany, Turkey and Great Britain (who we understand have promised to provide refreshments in lieu of a fighting contribution).

As war is waged in Europe the financial markets across the globe will melt-down and a mad scramble to hoard hard assets especially Gold would begin. We of course have no gold as Gordon Brown sold it all because he is a genius.

The American dollar briefly and the Chinese Yen would then be the only currencies worth more than the paper they were printed on. The entire globe save for China and America would begin starving and out of desperation a third world war would begin.

China having roughly 2 billion people located around the world, would use the European conflict to begin their campaign to seize control of the entire planet and would overwhelm everyone within approximately eight days. America would enter secret negotiations with China promising them anything they wanted just please don't hit us in the face.

China hits the 'mercans hard in the face and now owns the world. Cutlery is withdrawn from all shops except spoons and anyone caught eating with anything but two sticks is removed for re-education in heaven. Everyone is forced to wear pyjamas at all times and dentistry is outlawed. Mass starvation purges almost 3 billion people from the world's population.

What happens to the few who survive under Chinese rule is anyone's guess. But slavery I imagine will be viewed as a life of luxury only a very privileged few will get to enjoy. I personally cannot contemplate this future without some wee leaking out.

You'll have noticed none of this has been discussed in the main stream media. The printed press preferring to focus on who Ryan Giggs has been sleeping with instead. There is a history of our media ignoring approaching epochal events like wars.

They refused to even acknowledge the second world war had begun until Buckingham Palace had been shelled. Today however we have t'internet and lucky for us we do as now, thanks to me, we have just enough time to evacuate the area.

I'm moving to Japan where I plan to set up a school teaching young girls how to wrestle. I suggest you do the same. This is it people. It's happening. It's every man for himself.

Good luck everyone.

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