3 February 2011

The truth behind Gary's tash

Gary Neville's body can't produce testosterone properly. This was the rather bizarre revelation my source in Manchester tapped out to me in morse code this morning before being gunned down by a member of the Manchester United secret police.

Apparently before every game the club physio gives him testosterone injections and a couple of packets of fruits pastilles and just lets him go. If they're playing Liverpool or Arsenal they'll also get him down a pint of Lucozade.

This is the reason why he's always got a little tash that won't ever develop into a full beard and why he is prone to completely uncontrollable and unpredictable fits of wild aggression. Indeed Neville has become more famous for his badge kissing crotch grabbing displays of fury towards the opposing supporters than for being any good at the game.

Fruit Pastilles, said to aid circulation, have also been prescribed by Doctors
women as an alternative to Hormone Replacement Therapy

The most famous example of course being at Old Trafford in 2006 against Liverpool. The teams were trooping off at half-time when suddenly Neville turned on his heels, sprinted all the way over to the corner of the stadium which held the Liverpool supporters and for ten embarrassing minutes french kissed the badge on his shirt, aggressively cupping his testicles and counting on his fingers how many Championship medals he had won while his embarrassed team mates and 70,000 United fans looked on in bemusement.

What the fuck did you do that for!?: David Beckham and Ryan Giggs poke fun at Gary Neville
after another of his inexplicable badge kissing routines towards a female steward
during a charity match of Manchester United's 2004 pre-season tour of Norway.

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