25 February 2011

Fill it out or there will be...trouble

Fill out your Census form, you have ten days to comply.

Non-Compliance is a sinister sounding accusation. By my way of thinking it should be reserved for Dictators who won't give up their weapons of mass destruction or rogue states who remain in breach of UN resolutions. It shouldn't be something a nice chap like me should ever be accused of. Not in this day and age anyway.

Back in the day if a patient didn't take the advice of his Doctors he was considered to be non-compliant, but that language was considered to be too dictatorial in nature and not consistent with the kind of harmonious relationship health care professionals should seek with their patients. These days the relationship is all about concordance. A much gentler cozier word I think you'll agree.

Non-compliance is very oppressive sounding and about subservience. Putting people in their place. People using such language should be in uniform and aim it at other people in uniform. That's what I always say. However I've come across this term twice this week. I've been warned twice about my own non-compliance! Because of this I've become very frightened and I was only able to get nine hours sleep yesterday.

If I don't get a TV license or fill in my 32-page Census form in March of this year I will be considered to be non-compliant. Non-Compliance officers will visit me and I will be re-educated! I will be as abhorrent as Saddam Hussein. If I don't fill this thing out I may as well have gassed the Womens Institute in the town centre.

I'm wondering in fact if the 2003 invasion of Iraq was because Saddam Hussein hadn't disclosed to the Office of National Statistics in the 2001 Census who exactly he's got living in his spare room in his plush penthouse in Mayfair.

To be fair they can all just get the f*ck out. I don't own a TV now and while the TVLA might find this incomprehensible they should remind themselves it's just a f*cking TV license we're talking here and doesn't warrant the kind of surveillance usually reserved for suspected terrorists to verify.

I'd also prefer that the Government respect my privacy and not treat me like Lord Haw-Haw because I don't want to tell them how healthy I am, who I've had staying in my house on any given night and when I last had a wank.

Apart from anything else, by the time they've collated all this information at a cost of £500m it'll be out of date anyway and will probably all be stored on unencrypted discs one of which will end up in an Avril Lavine CD case belonging to an ONS employee and left unguarded in their Fiat Punto.

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