4 January 2011

The picture of David Beckham

Isn't it about time David Beckham agreed to sod off? He's like the worst kind of house guest who just won't leave.

He's obviously made some sort of Faustian pact with the devil to keep his football career alive forever in return for his soul and personality.

There's no rational explanation for how a man with relatively little talent and no intelligence can have enjoyed such a celebrated career.

David Beckham has some how managed to play for Manchester United, Real Madrid, AC Milan and Captained England about a hundred times solely on the strength of being able to kick a ball quite a long way accurately.

He can't run, he can't dribble the ball, he's got no strength, he can't head the ball, he can't even grow a proper beard, yet some how he's the most famous footballer of the modern era. He only stands out in the American footballing games, a standard similar to that of the Scottish second division, because of the three to four hundred people in the crowd all shouting "limey faggot" in unison whenever he touches the ball.

I'm quite certain if we went rooting around in his attic we'd find a hideous portrait of an ugly old mad in a silly Nike bobble hat which ages ten tears every time David shags a nanny or is photographed in public wearing a silly frock, or every time he insists in interviews he still has a desire to play in the Premier League in England or he will never retire from international football.

I look forward to the day the torment of his own fate overwhelms him and he destroys the portrait with a two footed challenge and his aged corpse, identifiable only by the wrinkled tattoos adorning his arms and back, would be found dead by Victoria next to a portrait of Beckham in his prime. "Ewww," she would shriek.

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