24 January 2011

"I guessed" admits Massey

Linesman who's a woman Sian Massey, 25, guessing yesterday

The female linesman who's a woman Sian Massey, subjected to sexist comments by Richard Keys and Andy Gray prior to Saturday's Premier League match between Wolves and Liverpool has conceded that while she was deeply offended by the chauvinistic attitude of two of the highest profile pundits in the game, she really doesn't understand how off-side works.

"I know everything else," she explained to her Mum who told a friend of mine who told me. "I know all about football and all the rules and everything, but off-side is a mystery to me. I just guessed in all my exams and was lucky enough to have gotten more than half of them right, which is roughly about the same as everyone else."

"I know there are phases," she continued. "And there's something about being inactive or passive or something isn't there? In the heat of the moment though when everyone's running in different directions it all gets blurry and I panic."

"It's much easier in women's football because of course, no one gives a fuck about the game. I was just lucky at Wolves that I was right, plus Torres is so fit, his eyes made me almost climax several times in the first half."

Equalities minister and Glamour Model Teresa May also conceded that she didn't understand off-side either, but "could spot a couple of wankers when I see them.

"I mean these red faced, fat, small dicked, retards spend hours each week slagging referees off for not understanding any of the rules of football let alone off-side, then as soon as a woman runs the line this is suddenly forgotten and it's only women who don't get it.

"It's my guess they probably tried to get a blow job off her before the game and she told them fuck off."

Richard Keys and Andy Gray meanwhile compounded their sexist faux-pas by blaming the erosion of Britain's moral centre on immigrants. In the Naked Turtle bar last night Andy Gray with his arm around Richard Keys, declared with a raised voice, "we've all had a drink but, immigrants are ruining this country Keysie, coming over here stealing our jobs and women and beating up our pensioners. If I had my way I'd send them all home to Timbuktu tomorrow."

Keys with his head resting on the bar amongst several empty shot glasses sarcastically replied, "if you did that we'd be out of a job Andy, there's isn't a Premier League team that could field a team of English players together. And Karen Brady wouldn't have any foreign cocks to suck. Bitch, they can say what the want about me Andy but I'll never be the biggest cunt in the game while she's still involved in football."

Two really nice guys: Andy Gray and Richard Keys yesterday

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