22 January 2011


So as I suspected, anteing up for the DTD Grand Prix yesterday was a pointless investment. In real terms I found soon after my arrival that while I was there, I wasn't really there. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

The reasons for this I think were threefold; firstly I have come to find the behaviour of many many amateur poker players simply too absurd to take these events seriously.

Secondly, and more importantly, I've gone at the game. In my defense this is not because I've softened into a craven nancy boy incapable of voluntarily putting chips into a pot without holding the nuts, it's simply that I become knackered after a level or two and can't summon the requisite levels of adrenaline to remain competitive.

It's a young man's game you see and with my 90th* birthday approaching I have found over the past few months that I prefer not to be awake for longer than four or five hours at a time. These deepstack tournaments are too long and I found yesterday, especially after the guy I traveled with had busted out, that I simply didn't want to be there.

Thirdly and finally, the Pigeons game has destroyed my ability to read a hand properly and apply any sense of perspective and practical analysis to a 'proper' poker tournament. I've submitted a paper to the British Journal of Crazy recently where I present my research into a sort of poker equivalent of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought about by exposure to too much crazy at the Pigeons.

They say that when a soldier has been exposed to the conditions of war it becomes almost impossible for him to readjust to normal life when they return home. Daily life can seem to have little sense or purpose and too mundane as to not be worth major effort.

The evanescence of any motivation to do anything can then have a profound effect on the person's ability to accomplish anything. I hypothesise in my paper the conditions of the Pigeon's game can have a similar traumatising effect when one returns to 'normal' poker.

Sadly, the only cure for Post Pigeons Stress Disorder is electric shock treatment to sever ones short term memory. Elsewise one can treat the condition by retiring from proper poker, watching more Bowls on telly and sleeping more.

* * *

In other news, at least later on today my Heinz 57 wager on this afternoon's Premier League footballing fixtures will provide me with enough monies to buy an awesome new bed which I really need as my water bed is sometimes hard to climb out of in a hurry.

And on Sunday the Chicago Bears will overwhelm the Green Bay Packers allowing me to pay for accompanying awesome bedding hand woven by naked Egyptian virgins who will personally deliver it and sing me to my rest each night and before my daytime power naps.

*I have calculated that there are 2.44 'CF' years to a healthy year.

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