13 April 2011

Raindrops on roses

"HAHA monkey boy." - Xavi Alonso speaks the truth earlier this evening

I'm laughing at Tottenham as we speak. I'm bound to be punished for any indulgence in schadenfreude, but I don't care. The Gods would find some reason to punish me next week when Arsenal play Totterington anyway so what the hell, that's what I always say.

It's interesting how Totterington's 6-0 aggregate shellacking at the hands of a comparatively ordinary Real Madrid side is still regarded as a "plucky effort from the North London outfit," where as Arsenal's 4-3 aggregate defeat at the hands of Barcelona, who most people seem to think are the best team ever to play the game, was somehow a sorry reflection on wannabe Arsenal's inability to perform at the highest level.

It's not that I'm bitter, I just think the world would just be a nicer place if White Hart Lane or indeed the entire N17 postcode was destroyed in a massive, but incredibly localised earthquake. Most of the place is boarded up anyway. It's the most awful slum. No wonder Spurs fans are so rotten inside having to spend so much time in such a depraved hovel.

Fraulein Maria in The Sound of Music remembered brown paper packages tied up with string when she felt sad..well me too. Only those packages in my reveries are packed full of Semtex and rusty nails and there's several of them hidden liberally beneath the seats of the Paxton Road end and North and West stands and they all go off as soon as their fans begin that bloody irritating nails-on-a-blackboard "When the Spurs go marching In" chant they sing really slowly.

Boarded up buildings, crap nightclubs and a shit football team. N17 yesterday

In other news, I'm moved on from biscuits to cakes now. If I had blotchy legs and owned six or seven cats I'd have to enter "female divorcee" on my census form I haven't completed yet. Once again however, I don't care. I like cake, especially cream and jam doughnut fingers and if anyone has a problem with that they can kiss my expanding ass which is starting to look like someone has tried to fit three eggs into two shells.

* * *

Finally, I was aroused today sexually by a strumpet to the extent that I actually groaned out loud at the thought of taking her over the jumps. I was in public too, I was able disguise it as a cough. But my full erection was there for all to see so in fact it was a fair cop when an old lady pointed at my groin and shook her head in a manner that expressed her disappointment in me.

I think it was Gillian Duffy actually. She's everywhere now. She's become a sort of Themis Goddess of Justice only with one of those sort of hessian shopping bags instead of scales.

I hope that's a banana - Gillian Duffy earlier today.

No comments: