28 September 2010

Omens and irony

Football is all about omens, superstition and ironies. The outcome of games has very little to do with who is the best team elsewise Arsenal would win every week. They out play teams every Saturday and yet still finish third come the end of the season. Well if that's what you call football, you can keep it, I'm not playing there again...

...no wait,

What I'm saying is, you can keep all your facts, stats, trends and form. Give me paradoxes and prophecies every time. Let us consider Manchester United's fixture tomorrow against Valencia. Valencia are not in anyway a match for Manchester United on paper. But as Brian Clough would have said, football isn't played on paper so who gives a fook.

Valencia are priced at 2.7..this is of course an incredible price. A few weeks ago if you recall, the player Valencia busted up his ankle playing for United. Now Valencia will bust up United's chancing of qualifying from the group stages of the Champion's league. See? Easy.

Valencia therefore are the first selection of my cheeky trixie wager that will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. I will have Arabian virgins bring me my sandwiches at lunch time on gold plates from my very own branch of Subway Sammich installed in my new house which will make the hotel's in Dubai look like the inside of a heroine addicts arse.

The second selection of the bet that will finally elevate me above the law is of course the US of States to beat Europe. I don't know much about Golf. I know if you want to wear shorts on the course at Burford golf course you have to wear a belt with it, but other than that I'm totally ignorant.

I know however, that if Colin Montgomerie is sporting the captain's armband you better be on the other team. He remains the predominant reason I've never played golf. I have a deep loathing of sportsmen and transvestites who have an arrogance that exceeds their ability by a considerable distance.

He is also the living breathing sweaty embodiment of the snootiness and snobbery of golf. The Jeremy Bates of golf if you will, only with a belt around his shorts and access to the world's media. He is currently in hogs heaven with all this attention and it's a toss up between him and Nick Clegg as to who I want to fail the most. Possibly it's Colin Montgomerie as he should have more of an appetite for humble pie.

I digress...given how much he is enjoying the lime light, this weekend must surely represent his most spectacular failure as Mrs Doubtfire is clearly a born loser.

My final selection is a draw between Ajax and AC Milan and this of course is because I get bored with thinking and just click stuff.

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