6 September 2010

Goodness gracious me

DISCLAIMER: I MADE THIS UP THIS MORNING, AND WHY NOT

video

Jeremy Simpson 41, from West Yorkshire known as Jezza to his online friends, one of the famous Cub Scouts who hilariously tried to eat their lunch while riding a roller coaster on the Jim'll Fix It show in 1979 came to a grisly end on Saturday when he ate himself on the very same roller coaster that made him a minor child celebrity.

A suicide note posted on his Facebook page explained how he endured more than just one sickening ride as that ten year porky cub scout and how Jimmy Saville was not the pleasant uncomplicated regular guy he appeared to be on TV.
Now then now then,

I can't go on. I can't escape my demons. I've had me innocence stolen haven't ah and us got no choice but to end it all. It's for t'ut best. I want the world to know warr appened that day though so no other bastard 'as to go through it.

After Jim'll had given us our badges and the cameras had stopped filming he whispered into my ear that he had a "special something" for me and to come and see him in his dressing room after the show. I were nervous. His dressing room was down a long corridor. I approached from the north and as I got nearer I could here a really strange noise getting louder and louder, like a mix between Tarzan of the apes and an old man's orgasm.

I knocked on Jim'll's door and I were shaking. He asked who it was and I said it were Jeremy. He sounded out of breath and told me to come in quickly and shut the door. I were a bit shocked when I got inside cause Jim'll was dressed in a shiny pink leather frock that had been pulled up over his waist and he had what looked like a steel spring clamp on his bollocks.

He gave me a funny tasting milkshake to drink and everything went dark. I woke up four hours later in the back of my Dad's Datsun Sunny approaching junction 39 for Leeds and Wakefield with my underpants on backwards and a burning pain in my backside which turned out to be a cigar.

I keep telling myself it weren't my fault, but was it? I'm so alone.

Good bye cruel world

Jezza

In a phone call with Jezza's mother earlier this morning she explained how her son's experiences with Jim'll changed him forever;

"He were never the same after that day. He never told us what happened with Jim'll in his dressing room..he just used to sit by the window and dribble. I used to come home from work scrubbing floors and find him in the dark watching himself on TV on that roller coaster over and over again. I got the shock of me life when I found his diary, it had 'Jim'll fixed it for me' written over and over again..400 fucking pages there were."

It were,.... it was not long before his school work began to suffer and Jeremy began experimenting with pastries and exploring his appetite for sado-masochistic sex with transvestites, as his father Albert, a 67 year old retired welder explained, "he were a dirty little begger."

"Jezza" enjoying a sex holiday
in Cambodia in 2008

"We found only a chewed cigar and a pair of sandals" explained acting Chief Constable Barry Crumble of the Lancashire Constabulary who confirmed a 41 year old male was eaten on Saturday afternoon after boarding the roller coaster and they are not looking for anybody else in connection with the repast.

A wild stomach churning ride and the roller coaster
on which Jeremy Simpson ate himself on Saturday

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