27 September 2010

Cobra found on tennis court

Just a few more days now until so many potential disasters are realised before an audience of literally hundreds. I speak not of the European team's Ryder Cup capitulation, but of course the Commonwealth Games.

Today's series of t'internet scaremongering stories include a Cobra being found on a tennis court and a dead scorpion found in an athlete's shoe. Scorpions must have a shocking sense of smell if they couldn't detect the sweaty pungent odour of an athletes trainer.

I get nervous when I come across a harmless UK house spider, only the lord our Gah knows what sort of venomous beasties these people will find in their living quarters over the next few weeks. A dude has already found what was described as "a large snake" in his room.

A large snake in the UK might mean 6-12 inches. In India if a snake is described as large it's probably visible from space. I bet there's wild monkey's all over the place and cockroaches the size of dinner plates. Awesome. It's exactly what you need after a hard day's competition; to come back to your room and find a rabid monkey on your bed eating pizza and channel hoping while flinging his shit about the place.

I hope the BBC don't try and ignore this stuff. It's all part of the Indian experience after all. Just like the World Cup in South Africa where they went deep into the townships to patronise the locals, I hope they have a series of special reports examining the many ways you can die in India without even really trying.

I'd like to see Denise Lewis with a python wrapped around her for example, while that irritating twat in the BBC bus attempts a series of challenges emailed in by viewers along the lines of sitting in a ditch for 20 seconds and then negotiating the traffic on a bicycle to the nearest medical facility before his skin rots away.

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