29 September 2011

Carlos Tevez to not look quite so smug

Carlos Tevez emailed into the blog last night to explain that if he faces spending the rest of his life on golf courses and beaches and being pampered by a 22 year old sexology graduate he met while trying to escape from Manchester, he could probably cope with that.

Manchester City are making noises about sacking Tevez after the typically untrustworthy and thieving Argie gave a new and literal meaning to the word "striker" on Tuesday night by refusing to come off the bench in their Champions League game against the square heads in Moonchen, claiming he couldn't really be bothered.

But a source close to City owner Sheikh it-al-labout who also emailed into the blog just now claims that if Carlos Tevez thinks he can disgrace an Arab and swan off to St Andrews he knows nothing about the Arabs.

His email explained how the Skeikh is planning to "go old school on Tevez" and "wipe that smile off the deformed bit of his head where usually people keep their face." Our source also heard him talking on the phone to someone from China about the situation!

"First," the email continued, "his hands will be removed with bolt cutters, his legs will then be bound in piano wire and the little bits of his skin protruding through the wires will be loped off piece by piece day by day over the course of the remaining 36 months of his contract.

"If he survives he will then be released on a Bosman. If he can do anything after that other than cry then good luck to him."

Meanwhile his two young daughters are currently buried up to their wastes in the Sheikh's eldest son's personal sandpit where they will be stoned to death as part of his 21st birthday celebrations on Saturday. He can't wait apparently.

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