Bah

I've calmed down now after yesterday's quizzing choke.

So many times we broke the golden pub quiz golden rules. Never ever ever change your answers.

If you think you know the answer but are in the minority have the courage to jolly well over all everyone.

And of course the most important one of all, get more question correct than every other team.

To take my mind of the horror show final two rounds that did for us yesterday, I have spent this afternoon replacing the sherbet in a batch of Flying Saucers with Movicol for the Trick or Treaters tonight.

I love Halloween.

The Pigeons Quiz collapse.

We did not win the Pigeons Quiz this evening despite being in the running with only two rounds to go and one of them Sport. Fucking it all.

However, for the record I just want to say:

Tequila (Spanish pronunciation: [teˈkila]) is a spirit made from the blue agave plant, primarily in the area surrounding the city of Tequila, 65 kilometres (40 mi) northwest of Guadalajara, and in the highlands (Los Altos) of the western Mexican state ofJalisco.

Just saying is all.

Sunday Nuffel wagering

So now, a few weeks ago I stumbled upon an NFL blog authored by a sports bettor who, should I ever meet him, will drink for free whenever he is in my company.

His analysis of games is incredible and his selections have won me two bags of sand in the month of October for an initial outlay of £55.

If it wasn't for me fucking my profits up with my own bets I'd have myself a money printing machine.

I'm getting greedy this weekend. No doubt he'll have a rare stinker and I'll lose my monies, but such is this man's forensic analysis of these games I don't care as I'll be sure to make it back again in the remain weeks of the season.

I've placed a Heinz wager this week. We don't expect all six selections to come in but 4/6 is quite possible. We can expect somewhere win the region of one and half bags of sand however should all six of; Tennessee, Houston, St Louis, Baltimore, Miami and Washington - come in.

Good luck with all your bets.

Robin of the day

Robin van Persie

Robin van Persie has again won the blog's coveted 'Robin of the day' award and indeed, why not? It wasn't just his typically ruthless finishing that has secured him the award for the 2,300th consecutive day. It wasn't just his technique, his intensity, his leadership and his passion. All of these contributed to his nomination, but what won the award was his sarcastic double Sieg Heil goal celebration towards the Neo-Nazi Chelsea support.

Nicely done sir.

When in Rome: Robin van Persie's Roman salute to the
aggrieved Chelsea support after scoring his second goal.

A funny business

This is a bit of a funny business. This thing about Kate Middleton of Cambridge the Duchess being Queen ahead of male heirs. You would think that given that the Windsors are a bunch of Germans who own Great Britain purely on the strength of fate, that the usual rules of equality and fairness don't really apply to them.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm pro-monarchy, I just think that if you're someone who cares about gender discrimination, you're probably meritocratic in which case you would think the very idea of a Royal family in the first place would be anathema to you.

So, rather than focus on who should fairly head these "inbred Teutonic parasites," you ought to be focusing first and foremost on campaigning for a Republic Great Britain no?

Of course, we all know what this is really about. The Queen doesn't want Harry in charge should William die in a Chinnock accident. They know as we all do that Harry hasn't got a drop of Royal blood in his veins and would rather Kate take over as someone that has actually got some Royal fluids in her of some description, than give the country over to that ginger bastard child of an ex-Army officer and that whore who got what was coming to her.

That's a direct quote.

Monkey business

I just now had a look around various betting accounts to have a look see at any outstanding wagers I might have and came across one I have no memory of ever placing. I can often be found at 2am buying stuff off eBay, so I can only assume this was a similar investment. A 2am pre-bedtime wager to help me dream of bags and bags of your Earth sand.

The wager in question involves the Carling Cup. It's a Trixie. And if I may say so, an optimistic nay foolish trio of selections. For a full return we would require Arsenal, Everton and Stoke all to win in 90 minutes.

Arsenal have sneaked into the next round courtesy of Bolton being useless without the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within that dung smelling cage of a ground they insist is actually a football stadium.

Everton, useless, have to over-come a Chelsea side who seem to have become irksome recently. And like the Hulk, I fancy Everton won't like them when they're angry. Not a very promising selection.

Stoke however, might have a chance as unlike Bolton, they will have the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within their dung smelling cage of a ground they call a football stadium. And Kenny Dalglish is Liverpool's manager.

Stranger things have happened of course, but I shouldn't think I'll reschedule nap time to keep track of these results.

Walking on sunshine, dancing on graves.

I'd be walking on sunshine too if I could blow
£400 billion and get it all back from the tax payer

Halifax Bank - which fucked about with their customers money, lost it all essentially by playing roulette with it, and then got it all back again from the tax payer and told by the Government to be more careful next time, while doing exactly the same thing again as we speak - has put together a series of the most infuriating blood boilingly condescending adverts which is nothing but a blood chillingly calculated message from Lloyds Banking Group written in the shit scooped from the pants of everyone who has no idea how they're going to feed their kids this month, which says

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU!

And AND...just in case that wasn't cold hearted enough, the tax payer is paying for these adverts too. We're paying Lloyds, to make adverts that mock our poverty. We're paying for them to tell as many of us as possible, during prime time TV, that we are all going to die and they are going to dance on our graves.

Have you seen the other one where they sing "I'll be there"? My Gah how dare they offer themselves up as some sort saviours. A good day for the Halifax is when they've put millions of people in debt for life. Yet they present themselves as some sort of charity rescuing abused animals or caring for the elderly.

I don't recall little Michael Jackson singing anything about I'll be there to repossess your home and put you and your family out onto the streets. I don't recall him mentioning anything about gambling a trillion pounds investing in Greek bonds. How do they seriously have the nerve to make these adverts? You almost have to admire the evil.

And these poor saps in this advert don't even realise it. They think it's company bonding. Especially that stupid woman bobbing and swaying in time with the music....urgh and the utter utter cunt at the end with his fist pumping crescendo. I can only assume he's actually the CEO in disguise and is driving his message home while he reaches a powerful climax in his trousers which cost more than most people's home's that have now been repossessed.

As for the rest of them, the fat gay man, the other gay men, the relatively nice looking blonde, the fat divorcees....you're dead too you stupid fucking morons. You're dead we're all dead. DEAD. Dead.

Dead. We're doomed. It's every man for himself. Good luck every body.

"You and I must make a pact, you must agree to pay in

full monthly payments or we will be coming for you bitches.

Simo

What a fucker of a day. Marco Simoncelli was killed today in a horrific crash in the Malaysian MotoGP. The world needs people like Simoncelli. Very upsetting.

Top drawer?

I assume when pundits refer to Liverpool's midfielders such as Stewart Downing as "top drawer" players they literally mean they're as good as having your top drawer on the pitch?

I'm trying to remain open minded about this but I cannot for the life of me work out why Downing isn't doing bar work or some other employment that requires relatively unremarkable motor skills.

I can only assume there's been a mix up with fate and destiny and somewhere in a pub in Grangetown a truly gifted winger is handing out pork scratchings and pints of Bombardier to a disgruntled regular.

Not for the squeamish

I've been staring at this picture for some time now. How strange it is. This is the back end of Kenilworth Road, home of Luton Town Football Club, where visiting supporters apparently have to walk through someones living room to get to the terraces.

It has filled me with melancholy that lots of people live on that street and indeed in Luton. What sort of quality of life can one realistically expect living in the houses adjacent to the entrances to the Oak Stand?

I mean I know Luton don't get big crowds and even less people show up to support the away side, but still, how does anyone in any of those houses summon up the motivation to even go to the toilet when they need a shit?

If it was me I'd sit there in the living room and not move until I'd shit myself to death as it would be all I deserved.

Jesus.

Good luck with all my bets

I have a feeling somewhere deep within me that I will win so much money soon that I'll finally be above the law and be able to buy a new car every time my current one gets dirty. That sort of rich.

And why not get into the habit of receiving vast sums of monies this afternoon by placing a couple of wagers so shrewd if they were anymore canny they'd have thick Newcastle accents and no interest whatsoever in gainful employment.

The wagers in mind are as follows: First of all a double - a word unfamiliar to these two teams - priced at 4/7 for a Newcastle win and 13/5 for a Manchester City win.

Yes you read correctly, a Manchester City win. Usually I would never back against Manchester United in the derby game at Old Trafford but circumstances warrant a rethink.

One of the most irksome myths perpetuated by clueless pundits is the one about how form goes out the window in derby games. It doesn't. The team in form usually wins...or at least rarely loses. Manchester City in my opinion are a much better team at this team.

Perhaps not good enough yet to over come the massive Old Trafford refereeing bias Ferguson's minions so enjoy and maybe they haven't yet figured out how to adjust to that funny gravity at Old Trafford that throws Wayne Rooney to the ground when ever he gets near the penalty area, but..

I also have it on good authority that the United players have been persuaded not to try quite so hard this time elsewise they might find themselves and their families up to their chins in the desert sand in 120˚ temperatures while aggressive camels stomp on their heads. I think Newcastle will win because Wigan are just bloody awful.

We have also placed an audacious treble with one hundred of your Earth pounds. For a full return to be enjoyed on this investment we will require Chelsea, Arsenal and once again Newcastle to be celebrating victories as this weekend draws to a conclusion.

In the meantime I will now eat a lot of crumpets. I'm putting honey on them these days as you know.

Oh I'm no longer on Twitter. I found it had become irksome.

Mexican stand offs for stoners

This is my favourite piece of music. Or at least it sort of is. This isn't quite as ferocious as the version in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but still if I ever get caught in a Mexican stand off (again) I want this playing on my iPod.

It will have to be a stand off with some stoners though as this version seems to me like the orchestra had enjoyed a little smoke before rehearsal. Maybe this is the Amsterdam philharmonic orchestra? The poor trumpet dude runs out of puff so to speak a few times bless him.

Yo like I'm totally gonna shoot you dude.

The movie version.

Iraq 2: This time it's personal, like the last time.

I haven't seen any of the coverage of this Gaddafi slaughtering, but I can tell you this for nothing, this won't be a good thing. Let's assume it is him even though he looks like Gene Simmons from Kiss in all this gruesome pictures.

Did we not learn from the Iraq debacle that when you take a country off a dictator and kill him, the place usually descends into utter chaos? Why are our politicians incapable of learning history's harsh lessons?

Usually it's because they don't give a shit about history's harsh lessons and are trying to either kill someone for personal reasons or cover their own backsides for stuff they or their Government did in the past.

I suspect on this occasion they were keen for the real truth about the Lockerbie bombing to remain hidden. As hidden as it can be given that anyone with access to Google ought to know by now that Libya had about as much to do with that attack as Gary Neville did in any of Manchester United's Championship successes.

Gaddafi was the only one really capable of spilling the beans. So with him out the way now the truth can remain hidden from people who only know what they read in the newspapers.

It was of course a Syrian and Iranian effort. Syria were then needed in the first Gulf war as an ally to defeat Iraq so they decided to blame Libya instead. It's a great world we live in Governed by really really nice people.

Let's turn Libya over to these people.

I see no flaw in that plan.

Wanker

Ricky Gervais is currently confirming what I always suspected; that's he's actually not very funny at all. It's an Emperor's new clothes moment, or the exposing of the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. This 'mong' furore clearly illustrates that previously when we assumed he was being ironic, he wasn't.

Here's the thing about this 'mong' business. There's nothing wrong with making jokes about mental disabilities, but the jokes have to be about the condition itself rather than the sufferer. Otherwise you're just taking the piss out of someone with an incredibly complex and misunderstood condition, which has been ignored by those wishing to banish prejudice and discrimination from society.

Referring to this whole controversy Ricky Gervais said to Karl Pinkerton that what doesn't kill him makes him stronger. Karl said "What about Polio?" To me that's funny. That's a joke about Polio, not the sufferer of Polio.

I have a video on the blog at the moment of a man with Tourettes singing Lady in red. This is not about ridiculing those with Tourettes. It's purpose ultimately is to desecrate Chris DeBurgh's masterpiece.

Calling someone a' mong', or making a 'mong' face is just taking the piss out of people with mental illness. His justification that it's no longer associated with Downs Syndrome sufferers and just means idiotic and slow makes it even worse.

It means those things because we still associate those traits with mental illness. He's essentially saying 'mong' no longer refers to those afflicted with Downs syndrome, it's anyone with any kind of mental illness. It's like saying 'Paki' doesn't refer to someone specifically from Pakistan, it's anyone from that region.

I don't think there needs to be any legislation making these kinds of jokes illegal. We really don't want to live in a society where you can be cuffed and taken down town just for having an opinion or making jokes however unfunny.

I think society is intelligent enough to police itself on matters of decency. And on this occasion it appears to be doing so. Back in the 70s the sitcom Till death us do part starring Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett.

He was racial bigot and the idea was we were meant to laugh at his ridiculous prejudices. People didn't though, the took him literally and laughed along with him rather than at him. Warren Mitchell had people coming up to him in the street and shaking his hand and making coon jokes.

Ricky Gervais is the modern day Alf Garnett. It is of course depressing so many people laugh with him instead of at him, but we can draw comfort from the fact that Till death us do part only ran for seven years. People get it eventually.

Pop tarts, Obama and the Champions League

Americans don't know how lucky they are being able to buy pop tarts in the super market. I have to have mine imported. I loves them.

Yes America may very well be on the very brink of collapse. Yes it's true that almost all of us failed to acknowledge that beneath all of the cool, Barack Obama, politically, ideologically, sentimentally, uselessly, was essentially Neil Kinnock, and yes of course America's days as a super Imperial power are numbered, but that happens to all Imperial campaigns. It happened most famously to us of course.

But at least Americans can buy cookies and creme Pop Tarts locally. OK so you're having to have them for dinner as meat is too expensive, but it's still better than having to ship them in at two or three times their street value. I know which situation I'd rather be in.

Speaking of failed Empires. France via the European Union continues to try and become Germany while pretending they're an independent people. Silly submissive cowards. And it appears the only thing in greater disarray than their national identity is their top flight football.

Ligue 1 is furnishing French fans with an appalling standard of football and Marseille are some of the worst culprits. With this in mind I will take the extraordinary step this evening of backing this current Arsenal side in an away European encounter.

At 2/1 against Arsenal must surely be value no? They were unlucky not to beat Dortmund in the first game of this year's competition and Marseille are not as good as Dortmund. The atmosphere is intimidating so they say, but only if you find rude songs about Arabs offensive. If Arsenal can cope with that, I can see them winning this game quite comfortably.

Being the home side in the Champions league or the Premier League statistically is worth about 1.4 goals and playing Arsenal who are obviously incapable of keeping a clean sheet at the present time, boost this figure up to about 1.5.1.75 so Arsenal will probably need to find three goals to win..but in his current form Robin van Persie ought to be able to find those goals within the first thirty minutes.

A less risky approach may just be to back both teams to score, but we here on the blog feel this is yellow bellied. I therefore hereby declare Arsenal as being worth a punt tonight. Probably along with Shahktar Donetsk at evens. Good luck with all your bets.

Time's up Liam

From deep within my cave it's hard to keep track of the outside world and I'm quite pleased about it. That's the whole point of the cave dwelling.

But it's worth reminding myself why I have retired from the outside world once in while and this Liam Fox business is a case in point.

I have no idea what Liam Fox finds sexually fulfilling. I assumed he was gay because he's called Liam Fox, he's Scottish and is a senior politician, but I have no conclusive proof he is a friend of Dorothy.

Now then, as you know we're not a fan on the blog of leftie sandal wearing sanctimonious hummus eaters who see no wrong in anything and love everything.

Homosexuality for example according to the leftie sandal wearers is perfectly normal and homophobia belongs in the dark ages. Fair enough.

Prejudice on the grounds of sexual preference is absurd and one should be absolutely ashamed of ones self if one discriminates on these grounds. Also fair enough.

However, this sexually egalitarian view supposedly held by the lefties did not stop the leftie media hinting, winking, nudge nudging that Liam Fox was an abhorent whoopsie who spent most of his spare time with Adam Werrity's cock thumping away at his bowels.

You can hate Conservative types for being prejudiced, but at least they're open about them. Everyone has prejudices. I have more respect for people that are unapologetic about them, than people who claim to have no prejudices but sneak around using them to end peoples careers when it suits their own agenda, but without ever admitting to it.

I'm so much happier deep in my cave away from these self-righteous hypocritcal cowards. No gays either.

Weekend bidness

Well it's been an interesting week. I went outside on Monday and on Wednesday I had a lovely apple. So I'm glad the weekend has finally arrived so I can rest. But NO. There is no rest for the wicked or the sports wagerer.

I have placed a couple of intriguing nay optimistic wagers which at first glance may seem like I was arbitrarily clicking on bets, but in fact they were researched thoroughly for almost five of your Earth minutes.

The return will be modest, enough to cover the invest I made in a £200 office chair (what ze hell!) and some American foods and a nice t-shirt, but there will be enough left over to begin next week's bag of sand challenge where I will attempt to take £50 and buy a bag of sand with it. Probably from a building supply shop.

So with that in mind the wagers placed so far are the standard English soccer leagues' Yankee which will require both teams to score in the confrontation between Liverpool and Manchester United and also wins for West Brom, Brighton and Tranmere.

In the secondary more ostentatious wager we will require Chelsea to draw with possibly one of the worse teams currently in the world (in terms of top flights teams) also we require wins for Stoke and Norwich and a dismissal in the Liverpool v Manchester United game.

If I enjoy a 100% return on my investments I will indulge with a lovely coffee and rum drink. I may also trim my public hair in celebration as it is growing funny now that I have a sort of bald spot due to my recent surgery.

If that was too information what was you expecting? This is my blog biiiatches. I'm letting it all hang out y'all. Aaaaight...psssstch.

Computron chairs

I shopped today for a cool new computron chair. I wanted this one but it was many thousands of pounds and I thought it would be a bit awkward sitting like that for when I wanted to...you know....get dirty with Felicity. It would get all over me. Urgh.


I bought a more conventional one instead and some sweets. For a chair it seemed a bit expensive to me, but I'm hoping it's also a robot.

I will now research whether pop tarts are available here. I've been unable to determine this and so I am still importing these delicious breakfast treats.

I...I...I have nothing important to say. I better go.

Chhaaaariddy

Have you seen Breaking Bad. I have now. I like it...but it highlighted for me one of the many things I don't get about people which I'd like to discuss at this time. But first, are you supposed to like the main dude in the show? Cause I think he's a c**t.

The premise of the show is a Chemistry teacher securing his families financial future in case he dies from recently diagnosed lung cancer by manufacturing awesome crystal meth. But this is horrible stuff as it's so damned good and it will probably kill many many kids or parents with kids and also destroy many many lives.

Selfish much?

But anyway I digress..It's not the show I wanted to discuss. It's the decision he takes to refuse the "charity" as he calls it, of his rich friends who offer to pay his medical bills for him and instead become a drug manufacturer. In his head this is apparently the moral thing to do!

Aside from the problems I have with this premise for the show..why as a society are we so reluctant to accept charity? How can there be such a stigma attached to it? Why is it a virtuous thing to do to give to charity, but apparently a shameful thing to do to accept it? Clark's Dad would furiously object to accepting charity yet raised Clark so his whole raison d'être was to help people who couldn't help themselves! Wrrrrong.


What does that say about the people our donations will help and what we think of them? According to this rational, they're shameful people for not making their way under their own steam, but we'll help them anyway?

Apparently, charity is fine as long as no one accepts it? Weeeeird. I know we like to be seen to be virtuous and not needy, but we all accept help from people all the ze time no? So this really is just for show. We want to be seen to be good moral decent people always willing to help others AND independent and in no way in need of any assistance to paddle our way through life's choppy waters.

Why is it only financial charity that has this contradictory stigma attached to it? If you want to make it on your own then do so...that means no help from anyone in any way. No financial help, no intellectual help, no physical help...noffin. Like Tom and Barbara in the Good Life.


Now it may seem at this point that I live my life through telly's inconsistencies, but I've done my research. People are like this and I would argue someone helping you move house for example if you're in a wheelchair is worth more to you than them giving you some money. Or some advice or professional guidance that you then use to make money...how is that not the same as someone just cutting you a cheque? It's all help, it's all chaaridy.

Everyone needs help surely. Why must we make our lives so unnecessarily crappy with these nonsensical social constructs.

Silly rules that are just for show and serve only to burden us like a really old donkey wheezing its way up a mountain with its owner's belongings strapped to it's aching back along with a microwave or something he has no use for at 7,000ft.

GAY! Just stop it OK? Give it a rest.

Now then...now that we've got that sorted out, now that we've ironed out that social crease, can I have £55,000 please? I will not be paying you back.

The Fox

An easier way of losing money, yesterday.

Now then. I finally squirreled away enough energy via vitamin B and cake to head over to the storied Windrush Valley Pokering Club to lose a sizable chunk of my failed yet decent attempt this past weekend at the Bag of Sand challenge.

It was exactly the same as I left it about a year ago. I think some of the players haven't been home in fact. There were a few new guys all called Richard, which made things easier.

Ultimately unsuccessful from a making money point of view where I was able to lose £120 in the re-buy period of the £20 re-buy tournament and a swift £100 - I think in two hands - in the PLO cash game, but it was actually a very enjoyable night.

There's very few places on Gah's clean Earth I could lose £220 and feel like I had a good time. Certainly not the Glitter Gulch. But our poker club serves as a panacea for all the feelings of insecurity and patheticness that creep into my head and for the over-protectiveness I am sometimes subjected too...which is of course appreciated but sometimes a wee bit stifling.

I'm still hung up about sporting nasal cannula in public but this of course matters not in the WVPC. There is no discrimination at our poker club. There is not prejudice on grounds of race, gender, age or physical spasticity.

This is no sympathy of condescension. There are only gamblers. And everyone can be a c**t regardless of personal circumstances if the cards fall in their favour. This is a very healthy environment to invest ones time if not ones money. I think I'll go back.

* * *

In other news, Mexico play Brazil tonight at the Estadio Corona. I know it's Brazil, but Mexico at home even if it's not played at the Azteca is usually a good bet and at 21/10 I might just have to have a few shillings on this.

The new Brazil team looks pretty average to me. They just played last Friday too managing to just beat Costa Rica 1-0. And while they're not playing in Mexico city I can't see them feeling too comfortable in Torreón. It should be a pretty partisan noisy crowd and as friendlies go it should be quite competitive.

Mexico at odds against in Mexico with a full squad with Chepo in charge - who is yet to lose - in my opinion is worth a small investment. Vamos Mexico! That's what I always say.

Colonel of the weekend

Colonel Deering

Bag of sand challenge

Well now after a loss yesterday of £40 leaving us only £150 to turn into one bag of your Earth sand we again took another small £11 loss this afternoon with a rather silly £1 Yankee:


However, we have made splendid progress since with a stupendous result with our 26 bet Canadian coming in as well as a supplementary 5 fold acca with the same selections that I don't even remember placing!

This of course must have been placed during the period where I was bored and just began clicking on wagers.


We now have £690 safely secured with a £77.76 double outstanding which will return £272.16.


This leaves us about £40 short of our goal. I will therefore place a final wager to cover this bullseye and hope Club merca can do the business tonight. Kick off 11:30pm. From such a poor beginning how exciting it's all become.

I'm supposed to making my Ali like return to the ring at the Fox tomorrow if I can be persuaded to put some coordinated evening wear on. I just have enough to see flop in the PLO cash game.

Day 2

Yesterday's analogous stab in the dark at completing the bag of sand challenge missed it's target barely leaving a flesh wound. Today's attempt will be less drunken Glaswegian in an alleyway and more Dexter in his kill room.

Erm.. but actually also a bit more angry Glaswegian under the influence of Iron-Bru and Evo-stik as I got bored and started just clicking on bets.

Hours of research carried out by other people yesterday while I sat on my sofa and watched Buck Rogers have produced what I feel will be a winning 'Canadian' American football wager.

I will combine this with a Mexican, English and Scottish 'Yankee' football wager and finally a Mexican and Scottish double.

By the end of the day I fully expect to have completed the challenge and have no idea what country I'm in. But it won't matter because my thoughts will be dominated by therapeutic genital massage treatments and the like.

So then, today's money printing wagers are:

Mercan football Canadian selections: Pittsburgh (-3), Cincinnati (-1), Carolina (+6.5), Vikings (-3), Chiefs (+2).


Mexican, English and Scottish Yankee: Club America win (11/10), Notts County v Hartlepool draw (13/5), Hayes and Yeading v Wrexham draw (13/5), Hamilton v Livingston draw (12/5)


Mexican, Scottish double: Falkirk win (2/3), Club America win (11/10)

The bag of sand challenge

I was very disappointed yesterday. All we needed for a very healthy £750 payout was for Croatia to score a single goal against a Greek side I think I might have been able to score against even in my current condition and not even being Croatian.

England had obliged my 3.5 overs selection by allowing Montenegro - a country with a population half the size of Birmingham - to score twice. The Turks and the Square heads had scored over 2.5 goals between them, Italy and Serbia had also both scored.

Greece had scored twice. All I needed was Croatia, a decent side, to put the ball in the onion bag just once. Greece as far as I'm aware play in curly football boats, how hard could it have been!? Damn Croatia. Damn them. I was always on their side during the war. I sent their orphans my old Arsenal shirts. Never again.

I will not dwell on this disappointing near miss. My wagers still returned £195. The challenge this weekend will be to turn this into £1000. If successful I will invest these monies in some eastern alternative massage treatment for my lower back and genitals.

This afternoon I have invested £50 in various doubles and trebles of the following four selections - I suggest you do not do the same - Wins for Sheffield Wednesday 4/6 and Oxford 4/6 and unusually in the horsey races; Bapak Chinta and Lundy Sky both priced at 5s.

In fact these selections alone would return 1.2 bags of sand and I would then have the luxury of spending the rest of the weekend eating pop tarts. I suspect however, it will not be so simple. It is never so simple.

Good luck with all your bets.

The Welsh eye test

"huuurghhh huuuurghhhh huuurghhh huuuurghhh"

To be fair, this took far longer to photoshop than you'd think. I'm in two minds as to whether it was worth the effort. I had nothing else on though.

This evening I will be very busy however. I will be keeping track of an audacious Yankee wager which will require both teams to score in the games between Serbia and Italy and Croatia and Greece and also overs (2.5) in the game between the Turks and the Square heads and 3.5 in England's game with Serbia lite.

The rewards from this wager will finance my research. I'm afraid I can't go into any more details. I better go.. If anyone ask you haven't seen me.

The horror!

Be careful with this site: http://bullseyecontestants.tumblr.com/ it's left me feeling nostalgic but has also resurrected disturbing memories from my childhood I would have preferred to have remained in the shadows of my subconscious. I've marked your card.

I actually do remember when old ladies looked exactly like this. I think they all did at that time. It's actually a miracle anyone who was brought up in the 70s and 80s can even talk. The horror!


This is beautiful and profoundly disturbing. The choking hairspray fumes even now are overpowering. Dude number 1 is wearing his best stuff, yet flanked by his parents on the left and his nan on the right his cool get up and perm are negated. Person number 2 is either asleep or incredibly well medicated. This couple (3) are awesome and they know it, but still...the horror!

Absolute c**t of the day

Look at this utter c**nts attempt at parking. This is a hospital car park. When I arrived there were no cars either side of this black VW. It was just there parked across the divide of two disabled spaces.

What ever possesses people to be so inconsiderate? This person needs to appear in an episode of Dexter also. If anyone reading this is either working for the rozzers or DVLA and wants to sneakily give me this c**t of the day's details I will make sure they receive a gammy horses head in the mail forthwith.

I wish I hadn't ask for something to get emotional about now. I've become angry over something relatively unimportant and I have to say, I don't care for it.

Harsh but fair?

Under the category 'harsh but fair" I'd like to propose the beating of people half to death who use the term 'getting on the computer' when they're about use t'internet.

It's usually fat American woman I think who need to buy some gaudy accessory for their cat. 'Do you like Mr Tomkins' new jacket? I thought he needed a new jacket so I got on the computer and it was like here in 24 hours!'

Computers in these peoples' world exist only for t'internet access. Therefore these are exactly the kind people who should not be allowed to own computrons.

They waste hundreds of hours of their grown up children's lives at weekends dragging them away from their families to update their anti-virus software or fix a tediously simple problem.

I just think everything would be easier if these people were left bloodied and fighting for life in a ditch somewhere. Somewhere cold, dark and far far away from www.KittyKlothes.com.

Anyway, now I've got that off my chest...how is everyone?

Bummer

I paid my respects this evening at the passing of Steve Jobs by turning off all my Apple gizmatrons for a minute. I hope you did the same. I tried for three minutes but was worried I might get an email.

We'd all be struggling with Microsoft crap and forever re-booting it if it weren't for Steve. In fact I bet I'd be turning my computron off and back on again right now in a futile attempt to fix some completely random failure if I was still bashing away at a PC.

Tomorrow I will wear a black turtle neck jumper in his honour.

Thumb twiddling

There was a time not so long ago that I would regularly get my knickers in a twist over things I had no control over. Politics for example. Many a day I would seethe with angried up blood because our lives were being controlled by people who desperately needed featuring in an episode of Dexter.

Fortunately, the deeper I've retreated into my cave the less of a toss I give. I give so little of a toss now about anything in fact that I'm finding myself increasingly without anything to seethe about. I miss it. I think. My thumbs are sore from all the twiddling.

I might have accepted that we're all doomed and it's every man woman and child for him her and its self and I might have been forsaken by the football Gods too many times now to feel anything when Arsenal lose to Stoke, but I refuse to accept that I'm essentially dead inside.

For the next few days I'm going to search for something to get emotional about. I'm going to watch some you tube videos of dogs struggling in icey water. That always reduces me to tears. If only Suki and Ling Ling had waited for me. They could have wrestled in jelly to take my mind of all this inner turmoil guff.

Daily Mail in making it up shocker

The Daily Mail jumped the gun a bit tonight in the confusion and just decided Amanda Knox was guilty and even went so far as to make up some quotes from the prosecution.

Apparently they're now on suicide watch. Even for the Mail this is an incredible amount of bullshit.