The Iron Lady

Load of bollocks. This has nothing to do with Margaret Thatcher's political career. This film is about gawping at someone who is losing their mind to dementia. We show sufferers of mental health conditions no sensitivity whatsoever in our society and it's even worse if you happen to have been a very powerful political figure for twenty years.

Margaret Thatcher's career was controversial enough without having to resort to dramatising her losing her mind just to sell cinema tickets. To make a film like this when she is still alive too is brutally insensitive.

Anyone suffering from dementia or knowing someone with dementia will be appalled by this film ..even sandal wearing lefties who suffered from her policies. This is just a voyeuristic invasive snooping into the life of someone suffering from a humiliating condition.

The two bags of sand challenge

So after the success of last week, we're getting cocky this week. From a £100 stake we're going to attempt something never before attempted over a weekend in my betting career. And if we're successful, I'm going to spend these monies in a way that will get me in the papers. Or I might buy a lot of cake.

Th strategy is just to pick our bets wildly and without any research. This is not a time for thinking. Instinct and blind luck will see us through. So with this in mind, here's what we need to happen.

HT/FT doubles! Doubles you say!! Oh yes, I like these bets. Much in the same way people like Crystal Meth. One team to be winning at HT but eventually losing the game. Usually the home team is about 25/1 and the way team 33/1 with your high street bookies. So if you land a double with a £1 stake you're about £5-600 up.

Obviously these results are rare so just hitting one is a great days work, hitting two together is crazy talk. Well I'm all for crazy talk. So, the games we've picked out to land this Unicorn of double wagers are as follows; Swansea v Arsenal, Liverpool v Stoke and West Brom v Norwich.

So this is twelve £1 bets and is worth cazillions if all three of these of these games have different winners after each half. Something like £6,500. If that comes in, if you want me next week you'll find me underneath a pile of £50 notes in my living room.

Back in the real world I've placed an intriguing accumulator. We will need Villa, Fulham, N'awlins (-3.5) and the 'ammers to win to enjoy a £500 return on this wager.

Finally we have a Brentford, MK Dons and Oxford trixie.

If anything comes back from that we'll begin the challenge again on Sunday. And why not?

Friday the 13th

I had plans to go to the big house today, but I chose to stay at home in my jammies instead and eat bacon. Why do today what you can do about 11:00am on Monday, that's what I always say. Plus, how you supposed to go to hospital on Friday the 13th and expect anything even remotely therapeutic to occur? I'd be lucky to escape with just the most basic plague.

This weekend anyway, I have big plans. I will really be going for it. The two bags of sand challenge. Never attempted before in my betting career. From a starting stake of £100 I shall attempt to win two of your earth bags of sand.

If I'm successful I am going to buy so much lounge wear I'll be able to just pile it up in my living room and lie on it I won't have to actually wear any of it. GOLD!

My search for a house keeper begins in earnest today. I want an old immigrant woman called Rosetta, who isn't entirely sure if she's here legally but makes awesome authentic spicy food from wherever she's from. She will have a cheerful disposition and call me Pappy.

How a house keeper preparing my dinner might look, yesterday.

Finally, I had a meatball Subway sammich yesterday. First one for months. It was like we'd never been apart. We just clicked. Then I scoffed it down. It was almost sexual the way I digested it. As Ray Wilkins would say, very pleasant indeed.

Sleep now.

Stuff of the week

Now then...not had much to say recently and for that I apologise. I know most of the English speaking world reads my blog and looks to me for leadership in these austere times. But there's been a reason for my absence and I shall have to ask you to forgive me.

I've not had much to say, but something's about to come out accompanied by spit and phlegm so put on a clean suit of oilskins and Sou'wester and take heed ye olde bastards. Take heed. Haa haargh.

As you can tell I've been reading stories about pirates this evening. And when I get like that, I go through changes. I'll try and remain on topic as much as possible however.

So as well as reading about pirates I was also able to make a social faux pas tonight. I think the odds of my delivering this particular inadvertent boo-boo must have been trading at 999.0 on Betfair around 6pm so I hope you were on.

A chum who I have not seen for at least five years came over. Her husband is unwell and I wanted to ask her some questions about how they are dealing with it. She was always very particular about what she ate, so straight away I ask her if she felt there was likely to be anything in my house that her immune system would tolerate her eating or drinking.

As we sat talking and catching up and while she sipped her tea without milk or sugar, she revealed she had Crohns disease - a condition I'm still ignorant about, but which I think is an immune system issue focused around the bowels. D'oh!

If a book needs to be written on putting your foot in it, I'll do it. I'll do it tonight. I've got the time.

Speaking of books, I also finished reading David Copperfield a couple of nights ago. Took me as long to read it as it did to write it I think. Actually given that it's autobiographical it almost took me as long to read it as live it.

Was he gay then or not? He spent a lot of time admiring Steerforth and for heavens sake with the comments about Traddles' hair. I wonder how different the book would have been had it been written today when cottaging was not illegal?

Yesterday I bought stuff. I received a new iPhone. This thing is absolutely superfluous to all my needs. But it is snazzy. I got the glass one for the hell of it. It'll mean I'll actually have to go outside though so people can see me using it.

The Siri guy cannot understand a fucking word I say though. I'm too chesty. I'll ask it if it's raining outside and it'll phone my Nan. It just keeps calling a bunch of numbers no matter what I say to it. I don't like his voice either. He's like a continuity announcer. I wanted Jennifer Agutter. Can you change the voice?

In other news I actually succeeded with the bag of sand challenge last weekend. I won £1,192 from a £50 starting stake. I think that's only the second time I've ever completed it. And that was one weekend too, usually I give myself a week.

I'm finding it quite tricky to think of things to buy. I'm actually thinking of getting a house keeper. Just for a few weeks or so so I can say I have staff. I want someone 'umble who'll call me Master and go home of an evening with my poo under her finger nails. But back to this house keeper thing; I just think I could do with one.

I took a quick look at the real world recently. I see we're all still doomed and it's every man for himself. Good luck every one.