Wagering

So,... it's Saturday so it's obviously time to have as big a mug punt as possible. And today is no exception.

I've had a throw away £20 on Sunderland to win as their price of 17.0 is almost as crazy as Martin O'Neill.

I simply cannot accept that Sunderland would only win one confrontation in seventeen against a Man City team who are feeling the pressure and without their best player who has injured his foot having suffered an allergic reaction to Joe Hart's nail polish.

I haven't got the figures back from the lab yet, but I'm pretty sure that crappy teams are priced unflatteringly when they play "big teams". I don't think a team like Swansea for example should ever be 7/1 against any other team in the Premier League regardless of where the match is played.

In a two horse race, even when one of the horses is from Wales, I don't think the disparity between top and bottom of the league can justify a price of that size in a one off game. What I like to do for fun and because it might win me enough money to buy an inexhaustible supply of Pop Tarts, is to seek out a week when there's a bunch of these types of games in one weekend and lump them all together in a Yankee or some such multi-way concoction.

And why not?

So this week, the Sunderland bet has been invested in singularly as it's so big. So our Yankee mug punt of this weekend comprises; Swansea (7/1) to beat Sperz, West Brom (7/2) to beat Everton, Norwich (4/1) to beat Fulham and finally Aston Villa 4/1 at home to beat Chelsea.

This pays nearly £9,000. Just enough for a very disappointing pasty and tank of petrol.

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I understand Villa fans are planning a minute's applause for Stilian Petrov, recently diagnosed with cancer, at the 19th minute of the game.

I like this idea. It's a far more appropriate way of fans showing support to their players whose lives are turned upside down by illness and the general unpredictability of life.

Anything pre-match should be reserved specifically for marks of respect for the deceased and Delia Smith addressing Norwich fans with her foul-mouthed incoherent motivational speeches when she's shit faced.

Happy cleavage day

HEY WE'RE DOWN HERE

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Cobra lager

Have you seen this advert for Indian Cobra beer? It is so wrong one wonder's if it isn't a genius example of a country playing a practical joke on unsuspecting possible tourists. I can just hear the sandal wearing hummus eating men in civil partnerships in North London as we speak.."Julius!! lovey come and look, we should go to India and ride this train, it's captured my soul."

I've seen Indian trains on the telly on those documentaries usually involving Paul Merton or possibly Anne Widdecombe. Certainly someone incredibly irritating. Travel on a real Indian train is almost like climbing (alive) into a coffin in a crematorium. Usually only 5% of passengers and only 3% of all monkeys make it to their destination alive!

It's essentially a steel box basted with monkey ejaculations and rabies that has been cooking in 65˚C (149˚F) heat for eight hours while approximately six hundred children and astonishingly old men some how sleep on the white hot roof.

In fact the chicken Dupiaza is rumoured to be inspired by the remains of the wildlife and passengers who oozed out of the Bombay to Bhusawal train in 1957 which had been delayed for some time in the middle of a summer commute, roasting those trapped inside to death and feeding those on the roof for several months.

Very rarely, almost never, in fact yes, never, does a man casually stroll down the central aisle of the train handing out ice cold bottles of lager to the tired thirsty chilled out commuters as the train lazily snakes its way through the beautiful Indian landscape as the baking sun begins to set.

Plus alcohol is banned on trains in India I think.

Minute's applause?

Liverpool observe a minutes applause for a Stuart Downing's

mother who passed her driving test at the 5th time of asking yesterday

Not sure about the "minutes applause" for Fabric Muamba this evening if the truth be told. Bit much. And these floral tributes for him. We have a minutes applause in football to pay our respects to someone who has recently passed away only because the nuggets on the terraces can't be trusted to observe a whole minute in silence as is the etiquette in the civilised world. So would we have a minutes silence for Fabrice tonight if the fans could behave? No of course not as that would be entirely inappropriate.

It's also a celebration of a life true, but the fella is not dead. His condition is obviously very serious and his brain having been starved of oxygen for about an hour and fifteen minutes means his quality of life will now be seriously compromised so it's being presumed his playing career is over, but there's more to life than football.

I think this ceremony of getting players together in the centre circle and calling for a minute's applause should be restricted to paying respects for the dead and only the single weekend after his passing as opposed to the three or weeks clubs were still holding ceremonies for Gary Speed. Otherwise how do you decide what does and doesn't and who does and who doesn't deserve this mark of respect?

The people of Liverpool won't be able to get a game on for all the time they spend paying their respects to dead people and people who have had a tough time of it. There are other ways to encourage Fabrice Muama. This is too much. I blame Princess Diana.

India's got talent

For breaching over two hundred health and safety rules and regulations this can't even be shown on British telly let alone be actually performed here. We've got to lighten up a bit. I'd get a telly if this sort of stuff was on every evening.

Enough to make you weep

What is this? What is it? Is this really Great Britain's Olympic team's kit? Where the Union flag is different colours to the actual flag that ought to be flying probably everywhere for the three weeks the games are held in the summer?

This is what happens when you let a flowery sandal wearing leftie anywhere near an event of nation importance. These people have no concept of history. No understanding of the importance and relevance of the symbols that represent our heritage and the history behind our national identity.

You can't just change the colour of a flag because it looks nicer. Just ask Holland. A St George's cross that is blue is no longer a St George's Cross. Because a St George's cross is red. Similarly..you can't change the St Patrick's saltire to blue either for the same reasons.

If you can change the colours you can change the whole thing. If you're going to have the flag on the kit then have it in the correct form other wise it means nothing. Who signed off on this? Why was Stelle MacCartney allowed anywhere near this?

Is this some sort of statement of colonial guilt? It really would not surprise me. Or something to do with not wishing to appear too BNP-ish? If we can't display the Union flag on the kit of the Great British team during the Olympics that are held in London then we really have sold our identity down the river.

Fortunately for me as a Russian I don't have to worry about this sort of thing. Political correctness in Russia is as likely to overwhelm the nation as overt homosexuality in Australia.

Ryo

On the day celebrating St Patrick removing some snakes from Ireland it seems appropriate to place a decent wager on Bolton removing Totterington Hotspuds from the FA Cup. However, they're a lucky bunch of sexually conflicted tax dodgers up at N17 and it wouldn't surprise me if they found a way to win this evening.

With that contingency in mind I shall instead be wagering on on-loan Gooner Ryo Miyaichi to score in 90 minutes at 5/1. Just as Jack Wilshere impressed during his on-loan spell at Bolton, Ryo has also shown them oop north how to play the game and I shouldn't think he'll have any problems scoring against a Spuds defence less convincing than Harry Redknapp's "the dog ate my receipts" tax evasion excuses.

Elsewhere I quite like the idea of Norwich beating Newcastle if you don't mind my saying so. This is due in part to Alan Pardew being incompetent and an enthusiastic peeping Tom and I desperately would like to see him working in a Tesco's warehouse in Aberdeen. Norwich are a decent side too.

Finally out of spite I shall probably have a few Earth monies on Sunderland at 3/1 to beat Everton. The reasons for this are threefold. 1. I cannot abide the respect charlatan David Moyes enjoys from the football media and people in pubs who stand up at the bar despite there being plenty of seating available.

David Moyes has won nothing in ten years. Why is he considered to be one of the better managers in the country? Why should Everton fans have not enjoyed the same success and progress as Arsenal fans have under Arsène Wenger? When Arsène arrived they were similar sized clubs, similar sized fan base. They've probably spent similar amounts on players in the ten years. Would not surprise me in fact if Everton had spent more. Awful Scotch ginger haired uninspiring time waster.

2. In a one off FA Cup fixture I see no reason why a Martin O'Neill lead Sunderland can't win. Sunderland are a place above Everton and at 3/1 this has to be value. 3. I want to profit from Everton's failures. I'm actually not that keen all of a sudden on Sunderland winning now as they're focusing on Everton on Soccer Saturday as I type this, but I will invest my monies nonetheless.

Good luck with all my bets.

David Moyes pretends to kiss a trophy yesterday

Final day

Gold Cup - fifty of your earth pounds at 8.4 on Betfair.

Day 3

Hoorah, we lost our chezzer with Bob's Worth yesterday, however we were unable to supplement our winnings with a double with Sizing Europe as the most important National Hunt festival of the year couldn't afford more than three cardboard warning boards. Which is fine as there are only millions of pounds bet on each race and I'm sure the horse's owner wasn't fussed as it's the taking part that matters most.

Today we are relying heavily on the "I reckon that'll win" strategy where by we just look at a horses name and colours and go from there. So with that in mind..

Race 1 1:30pm Solix

Race 2 2:05pm Thehillofuisneac

Race 3 2:40pm Noble Prince, Little Josh (TBP 17.0), Somersby*

Race 5 3:20pm Thousand Stars

Race 6 4:00pm Giorgio Quercus

*I'd forgotten I'd backed Somersby so I have three runners in the Ryanair. Oops.

Good luck with all my bets.

Nam day 2

Luckily we were able to finish day one of Cheltenham without backing anything that had to be destroyed. Last year I think my first bet of the festival ended up in the glue factory and a couple of my other selections soon followed. I was nicknamed Dr Death in the pub if I recall correctly.

Let's see if we can be as fortunate again today and dare I say even pick a winner?

In this amateur nonsense to begin the day I've gone for Universal Soldier at 12s.

The Neptune Novices I'm on Cotton Mill at 10s.

The RSA Chase I've backed Bob's Worth at 7/2 which I have in a double with Sizing Europe at 4/5 in the Queen Mammies.

Depending on how these awesome selections fare I may just have a punt on the Chelsea Naples game tonight. Can't wait for this one. Surely the old school Italian mafia can defeat the new money Russian Mafia?

I'm just hoping a series of stories about missing players and coaching staff begin appearing the papers eventually concluding with a series of gruesome pictures of them all being shown Goodfellas stylee in big freezers with their throats cut, or being dragged out of the Thames sporting concrete boots.

Nam

Luckily an opportunity to d my bollocks has come along right at a time where I was wondering whether or not I should set fire to some money or throw it in the bin.

I shall only be wagering on the first four races today as they're the only ones I'll get to see as the last three clash with nap time.

So anyway, I've invested wildly in Yankees, singles, and what not in as follows:

Supreme Novices - Midnight Game

Arkle - Al Ferof

Speciality handicap chase - Hold on Julio

Champion Hurdle - Hurricane Fly

Good luck with all your bets.

Arsenal set sights on European domination

Lukas Podolski gets himself sent off and then grabs his own

coach by the throat to ensure a lengthy ban and the avoidance

of injury until his move to Arsenal, yesterday (this really was yesterday)

There was a time about eight or nine years ago when Arsenal were vilified by the press for being too dirty. That seems ridiculous now, but back in the day the boys were getting sent-off left right and centre for all sorts of violent conduct. Sometimes, if Gary Neville was close by, they couldn't even wait until they were on the pitch so started scuffling in the tunnel.

Mostly it was Patrick Vieira and Martin Keown. But like the goal scoring, they spread the red cards around the team. It could be Dennis Bergkamp, Lauren, Jens Lehmann and sometimes even Robert Pires.

Arsenal players were considered so dirty they even brought in a rule for us where by you could get sent-off just for intent to foul so they could get our chaps off the pitch before anyone got seriously hurt. They got Dennis on that charge against Liverpool if I recall correctly and Patrick against Man United for swinging a leg at Ruud van Nistelrooy.

Total football is nice and everything and it's impressive watching a bunch of teenage Spaniards whizzing about the pitch, putting five past Blackburn every year, but with the recent acquisition of Per Mertesacker and tapping up of Lukas Podolski I much prefer the idea of taking a squad full of unhinged squarheads up to Stoke and seeing how their midfielders like compound leg fractures for a change.

Arsenal v Milan

The thing about beating Milan tonight by the twenty or thirty goals or whatever the total is the boys need in order to qualify for the privilege of getting knocked out in the next round, is that it's not really the goals they have to score that's the main problem.

The main problem is stopping the spaghetti munching, Gucci pyjama wearing Vespa riders from scoring twenty or thirty goals themselves. If the chaps concede one goal they'll need six and Arsenal haven't kept a clean sheet for twenty five years.

Why play the first team? Why risk putting the remaining healthy players of the squad in the physio's room with all the other crocs just to attempt to win an essentially unwinnable game? And which only leads to one more round anyway of a tournament we can't win anyway cause of all the teams left in who are even better than Milan.

Also of course it'll destroy the morale or squad if they put out a strong team and lose 4-0 again.

They obviously need to be competitive as they'll be 60,000 Gooners who have all paid at least a bullseye to watch the game at the stadium so their wives can watch Eastenders in peace at home and you can't surrender to Italians in all good consciousness, but they shouldn't go balls out to try and get the goals that would see them qualify.

Nope. Just win the game. Win the game but sod the Champions League qualification. This way it keeps up the momentum that has been built up in the league recently and you don't lose to Italians again. Thus we've beaten Totterington, Liverpool and Milan and that sets us up to see the rest of season out and finish third.

There's no disappointment either. We've already accepted we're out of the Champions League after the capitulation at the San Siro. Score two goals in the first half, get Robin off and Theo off and whoever the third most fragile player is and then defend for dear life in the second half.

Easy. Hoo roo!

A plane has plummeted towards the sea causing panic

From what one can make out from the headline and sub-head and caption and first paragraph of the this article on the Guardian website it looks like a plane has plummeted towards the sea and caused panic amongst the Air France plane who thought they were going to die.

It's hard to make out what this story is about from the headline and the sub-headline and the photograph caption and the first paragraph of this story. But I think a plane has plummeted towards the sea causing panic amongst the passengers.

Stuff of the week

Well if you must know what I've been doing recently I'll tell you. It's been mostly a time of watching the first season of Baywatch and all the things that that entails. I have begun researching the Cheltenham festival. And finally I've really enjoyed the beginning of Totterington's annual free fall from a promising league position offering dreams of Champions league football and domination of North London for decades to comes, to a final finishing position of about 6th offering trips to Poland and Turkey on a Thursday evening.

As far as the old gambling goes it's been rather an indifferent period. I was able to figure out that Costa Rica would beat Wales. However I forgot that that meant nothing unless I actually had some monies invested in the 5/1 shot.

I was unable to win the Pigeon's game yesterday as I thought it was Saturday and therefore didn't play. However I will be able to win millions on this week's European fixtures. Or as Roy Hodgson calls them, "Ooorwoopean Games."

Arsenal of course will not qualify but they will win the game. Chelsea will be lucky to get through the 90 minutes without Roman Abramovich tying the manager up with piano wire and demanding answers as to why Napoli are 6-1 up on aggregate...and in fact Manchester City will lose to Sporting Lisbon of all teams. Crazy!

At this time I must eat a sammich. Good luck with all your bets.

Hoo roo.