The iTwat

One of the first people to get hold of the iPad2, which to me has always looked like an iPhone for pensioners and people with poor eyesight, has already begun queuing for the next one. Apparently his obsession with Apple gadgets and more specifically purchasing them before anyone else in the world has completely destroyed the parts of his brain that regulate need, rationality and irony and made him an utter twat.

The man has a stack of gadgets piled up on the pavement outside the Regents Street Apple store. None of them opened; iPhones, iPods, iPads, Macbook airs etc..one of the Apple store employees valued his unopened gadgetry at a staggering £350,000. "Apparently he can't even type," said the store assistant. "He just queues for new stuff, never goes home. We call him the iTwat."

The 27 year old man who can't be named because when he was asked what it was he was blubbering like a bitch about the state of his underpants so no one could make out a fucking word he was saying, apparently left the store clutching his prized possession and instead of going home to unwrap his prize he sat right back down on the pavement.

Psychologist Franz Beckenbauer from the University of Berlin has had the man under surveillance since the launch of the iPhone (GS) two years ago explained, "he's mad now, he's been ruined by a form of OCD. He cannot function because of his paralyzing fear that Apple might launch a new product when he is on his way home.

Professor Bekenbauer's Apple OCD equations are pretty conclusive.

"The thought of someone else in the world being able to manage their applications in a slightly different way or sitting in a coffee shop with an older model of an Apple gadget has kept him in that same spot outside that Apple store for four years now.

"The irony of course, is that he hasn't even unwrapped any of these gadgets and so his condition is preventing him from doing the very thing that has brought him here in the first place. It's a vicious circle. He doesn't even know what stacks are.

"No, he just cries now. He cries because he can't move. He won't even go to the toilet. We estimate he is wallowing in nearly half his body weight in faeces. He is my life work..in his case an Apple a day will not keep the Doctor away no hahahahahahaha."