News and sport

An Apple college nerd in the US of States attempted to commit suicide in New York's flag ship Apple Store last week by pressing down on his head and poking his belly button.

Brandon Woykowsky 20, of Yonkers, NY had apparently failed to come to terms with the death of Steve Jobs and the fact that he bought his iPad3 a day after it's release.

Store "Genius" Jossy Okinowya was on hand to re-boot Mr Woykowsky in time to prevent any loss of memory.

Ironically, still burdened with painful memories he then went home and shot his parents before turning the gun on himself.

I love a happy ending.

* * *

The "Special" relationship between the UK and the US of States has taken an even more one-sided countenance over the past few months it has been admitted by the Foreign Office.

"They don't give an actual fuck about us," conceded the FO. I'm paraphrasing, but the set-up at the moment is we'll follow them like a love-sick puppy into the really horrific Vietnam type wars which last a generation and destroy entire countries and leave hundreds if not thousands of lives in ruin not to mention the countless families destroyed by the losses and injuries sustained by our Forces.

Meanwhile, the US of States won't even lift a fucking finger to help us in what would be a piece of piss Argentina type war, lasting about a sodding week if we had the proper assistance from our supposed fucking allies who really owe us a favour wouldn't you say?

"So erm..this is what you meant by assisting me in battle? Playing table tennis?

I was thinking more about wiping Argentina off the face of the map."

* * *

Lovely to see that all crime now is down. All the figures add up. Crime is definitely down. The figures show it. And of course there is no other means of measuring the level of crime. Except perhaps going outside.

Might the crime figures have gone down because no one calls the Police anymore when they need assistance? No one reports crimes anymore because it's pointless. The police won't get your stuff back for you if you've been burgled or mugged.

If you've been beaten up, the worst is over and you know the Police won't find who did it despite it featuring on several CCTV cameras so you might as well just go home.

The Police will tell you to be more careful next time. They will tell you to get locks on your windows, or not to walk down a particular street at a particular time of day, even if that path is your from path and the time of night is when you're getting home from work.

They will tell you how to cope after a crime with all manner of help lines. They won't prevent crime. They stopped doing that when it was considered better to use them to protect the state rather the people.

To assist the general public there's usually only four of them now covering most of the southern part of England. And the guy who covers the North of england won't go out when it's raining because his windscreen wipers don't work.

"What's your emergency please?..Sorry we don't really respond to rapes anymore.

What are you wearing love? Do you think you might have deserved it?

Why not wear something more conservative next time you go out? Alright darlin ta ra..."

* * *

A group of Liverpool fans confused by all the recent memorials and remembrances and minutes applauses were arrested in Poland this afternoon after staging a protest outside Auschwitz-Birkenau demanding "Justice for the 6,3445,234."

Craig Haldall 42, from Bootle screamed in a foamy mouthed Scouse dialect that can only be properly understood when heard from a distance,

"dee can arrest us all dee want, but I won't stop seekin' justice until the entire top brass of the South Yorkshire police force are held responsible in a European tribunal at the Hague for the deaths of 6 million Jews exterminated during the holocaust."

"You'll never walk alone my 'eeebrew brethren,..people think it were Gerry and the Pacemakers who first sang that first, but it were Moses weren't it."

* * *

Sport now and Chelsea hopefully have deluded themselves into thinking they can actually qualify for the Champions League final after somehow beating Barcelona last night despite having only 20% of the possession.

Much the same way Arsenal beat them last year in fact, only to get absolutely hammered in the second leg at the Nou Camp.

Hopefully Chelsea will rest everyone. Including Didier Drogba who not only always scores against Arsenal, but it fast becoming the most despicable player in World football.

He is a remorseless diving woman. And despite his size he is also very effeminate. I actually think he's a whoopsie. He's got a gayness about him. His facial expressions, his appalling pony tail, his love of the theatre. I know he's married, but so is Ian Rush.

It's just so rare you find one with such a devastating right foot. Usually they're left-footers.

Bummer

I paid my respects this evening at the passing of Steve Jobs by turning off all my Apple gizmatrons for a minute. I hope you did the same. I tried for three minutes but was worried I might get an email.

We'd all be struggling with Microsoft crap and forever re-booting it if it weren't for Steve. In fact I bet I'd be turning my computron off and back on again right now in a futile attempt to fix some completely random failure if I was still bashing away at a PC.

Tomorrow I will wear a black turtle neck jumper in his honour.

The iTwat

One of the first people to get hold of the iPad2, which to me has always looked like an iPhone for pensioners and people with poor eyesight, has already begun queuing for the next one. Apparently his obsession with Apple gadgets and more specifically purchasing them before anyone else in the world has completely destroyed the parts of his brain that regulate need, rationality and irony and made him an utter twat.

The man has a stack of gadgets piled up on the pavement outside the Regents Street Apple store. None of them opened; iPhones, iPods, iPads, Macbook airs etc..one of the Apple store employees valued his unopened gadgetry at a staggering £350,000. "Apparently he can't even type," said the store assistant. "He just queues for new stuff, never goes home. We call him the iTwat."

The 27 year old man who can't be named because when he was asked what it was he was blubbering like a bitch about the state of his underpants so no one could make out a fucking word he was saying, apparently left the store clutching his prized possession and instead of going home to unwrap his prize he sat right back down on the pavement.

Psychologist Franz Beckenbauer from the University of Berlin has had the man under surveillance since the launch of the iPhone (GS) two years ago explained, "he's mad now, he's been ruined by a form of OCD. He cannot function because of his paralyzing fear that Apple might launch a new product when he is on his way home.

Professor Bekenbauer's Apple OCD equations are pretty conclusive.

"The thought of someone else in the world being able to manage their applications in a slightly different way or sitting in a coffee shop with an older model of an Apple gadget has kept him in that same spot outside that Apple store for four years now.

"The irony of course, is that he hasn't even unwrapped any of these gadgets and so his condition is preventing him from doing the very thing that has brought him here in the first place. It's a vicious circle. He doesn't even know what stacks are.

"No, he just cries now. He cries because he can't move. He won't even go to the toilet. We estimate he is wallowing in nearly half his body weight in faeces. He is my life work..in his case an Apple a day will not keep the Doctor away no hahahahahahaha."

iPhone autocorrect mishap

More here: http://damnyouautocorrect.com

New iPhone

I can't wait till they can make these. Can you? Well, I can't.

The iMac finale

With £200 in the pot after some unsuccessful wagers, I've entrusted the success of the iMac challenge to the gambling Gods. A series of multiples have been placed with little to no research beforehand on this weekend's football fixtures, which if successful will return £1150 and a shiny new iMac and possibly an even more awesomer one than I had originally budgeted for.

The wagers in question are as follows:

Double - Newcastle and Oldham £100 @ 4.42
Treble - Dortmund, W. Bremen and Wolfsburg £30 @ 6.54
Yankee - Aston Villa, Cardiff, Marseille and Roma £55 @ 9.3

Whatever the result I'll emerge from this challenge a better man and a happier man, unless of course I lose in which case I'll be pissed off and not a better man.

The iMac challenge

Just to give me something to do this week so it doesn't fade away into the annuls of time without a trace like most of my weeks, I've embarked on the iMac challenge. My current Mac has started to look not quite so awesome recently and the new ones look decidedly more awesome so it's only right that I should own one.

I will attempt to win one however rather than relieving myself of the £999 acquiring price. I'm only giving myself a week however to reach this total as my patience can only be stretched so far. I shall add a Blue Peter style totaliser to the blog just as soon as I find the motivation.

So it's quite simple..I've started with £100 in the kitty. My initial wager was a failure; a £15 treble on Casey Stoner to win the Malaysian MotoGP, San Jose unders (5.5) v Columbus and US of States to beat Poland. Only San Jose obliged. Boooo.

My second and third wagers were successful however; A £5 per line trixie on a Redskins win and overs for the Detroit Lions and 49ers games. This gave us a return of £93.81. Hooorrah. We then randomly stuck the £3.81 on Pandorea to win the 2:40 at Salisbury at 8.40 which duly obliged returning £30.59. Hoorah again.

The remaining £90 of profit left from the trixie bet has now been wagered on a Denmark/Italy double in tomorrow night's Euro 2012 qualifiers at 2.44.

Sooooo, in actual monies we have £65 left from the original kitty plus £30.59, with £90 in-play (which will return £205 after commish). Obviously this wager is like finding monies in the street so we can assume our total stands at a little of £300. A third of the way there on it'll only be Toosday.

I've never felt so f**king alive.