Monkey business

I just now had a look around various betting accounts to have a look see at any outstanding wagers I might have and came across one I have no memory of ever placing. I can often be found at 2am buying stuff off eBay, so I can only assume this was a similar investment. A 2am pre-bedtime wager to help me dream of bags and bags of your Earth sand.

The wager in question involves the Carling Cup. It's a Trixie. And if I may say so, an optimistic nay foolish trio of selections. For a full return we would require Arsenal, Everton and Stoke all to win in 90 minutes.

Arsenal have sneaked into the next round courtesy of Bolton being useless without the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within that dung smelling cage of a ground they insist is actually a football stadium.

Everton, useless, have to over-come a Chelsea side who seem to have become irksome recently. And like the Hulk, I fancy Everton won't like them when they're angry. Not a very promising selection.

Stoke however, might have a chance as unlike Bolton, they will have the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within their dung smelling cage of a ground they call a football stadium. And Kenny Dalglish is Liverpool's manager.

Stranger things have happened of course, but I shouldn't think I'll reschedule nap time to keep track of these results.

Monkey business

Very worrysome dreaming of late. Many times I have been set upon by monkeys. There is nothing on Gah's clean earth more terrifying than an aggressive monkey. Those fingers, the screeching, the sort of fur that isn't quite fur.

Spiders scare me. I'm uncomfortable in the dark, but if I went for a piss in the night and found a monkey in bath tub it must surely be the end of me. I don't know how people in India manage with legions of them pelting through their disease riddled slums all the time. How horrible.

The symbolism is all rather obvious. Or is it? We all know what it means to have a monkey on one's back, but what does it mean to have loads of them swinging about around you and throwing poo about the place?

I would assume it mean chaos, which is funny cause there's anything but chaos in my life as we speak. It's possible though the chaos is Officer Boscorelli's. I am currently living vicariously through him and he's just been shot in the face many many times by some nasty drug dealers. Yes I think that must be it, but I'll let you know if something else turns up.

If you've never seen Third Watch incidentally, seek it out on the You Tubes. It's the most awesome Cop show ever. It's like a combination of NYPD Blue and E.R. They cancelled it after six seasons about five years ago, which was the worst telly decision since the Smallville writers never wrote in a scene where Lois has some difficulty making a cake and gets cream on her tits. That would have been an awesome scene.

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In other news my awesome antique ear trumpet arrived today and I plan to use when people come over who I don't like. I will shout "EH?" at them every time they talk and point the trumpet at them until they feel uncomfortable enough to leave. It's GOLD!

Of my current outstanding 2am eBay purchases I am now just waiting for a charger for an old Panasonic x70 phone, which I will now use not because my iPhone doesn't work and is shit, but because I want to. Cause I feel like it.

Oh I have also taken the decision to start putting pomade in my hair. I want to encourage everyone to return to more traditional hair treatments and jellies.

There's really nothing quite like the smell of lanolin and petrol in the morning.

I forgot what else I wanted to say.