Mug Punting

As it turned out I didn't have a good day yesterday. My bag of sand challenge was essentially over by half-time. Stupid sand. I might as well have another bash at it today however. It's the Superbowl and there's a cornucopia of opportunities to lose money.

I fancy the New York Giants. POssibly because when it comes to the New York v New England area rivalry I am firmly entrenched in the New York camp. The way they talk in New England especially Boston is just ridiculous and there are far too many fake Irish people up there. I mean I know New York has a load of them too, but not nearly as many.

I think instead of hiring a Ferrari for the weekend with my money I fancy I'm going to commission Joe Hill the anamorphic pavement artist to paint one of the walls of my living room. I quite like the idea of having a panoramic view of Vegas on my wall so it looks like I'm in a hotel room. Either Vegas or the shower room of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. I've not decided yet. I think it'll be pricey but now I've got a Onesie I don't really need anything else so why not? That's what I always say.

Joe Hill, yesterday

Now then

I've heard tell of a Pigeons game this evening. I suspect I may have to play. If I have to play in my pyjamas so be it. I had planned to watch the NFL championship games - which is obviously code for having a six hour snooze - but I really feel I've got to go outside.

If I breath the air of my home for too long it can cause problems far worse than hypoxia. And I don't wear my war face soon I may never wear it again.

Obviously as far as the NFL goes, the Baltimore Ravens will win as will the NY Giants. So lump on a Patriots/49ers double.

I'm not watching Arsenal. I felt a disturbance in the force so I suspect they're losing and I don't need to see it. I'm going to watch Zulu instead to get me in the mood for poker.

Day 2

Yesterday's analogous stab in the dark at completing the bag of sand challenge missed it's target barely leaving a flesh wound. Today's attempt will be less drunken Glaswegian in an alleyway and more Dexter in his kill room.

Erm.. but actually also a bit more angry Glaswegian under the influence of Iron-Bru and Evo-stik as I got bored and started just clicking on bets.

Hours of research carried out by other people yesterday while I sat on my sofa and watched Buck Rogers have produced what I feel will be a winning 'Canadian' American football wager.

I will combine this with a Mexican, English and Scottish 'Yankee' football wager and finally a Mexican and Scottish double.

By the end of the day I fully expect to have completed the challenge and have no idea what country I'm in. But it won't matter because my thoughts will be dominated by therapeutic genital massage treatments and the like.

So then, today's money printing wagers are:

Mercan football Canadian selections: Pittsburgh (-3), Cincinnati (-1), Carolina (+6.5), Vikings (-3), Chiefs (+2).


Mexican, English and Scottish Yankee: Club America win (11/10), Notts County v Hartlepool draw (13/5), Hayes and Yeading v Wrexham draw (13/5), Hamilton v Livingston draw (12/5)


Mexican, Scottish double: Falkirk win (2/3), Club America win (11/10)

Peter Piper picks the Packers

I slept through all of Saturday so it might as well of not happened. Probably nothing interesting happened anyway so there's no need for me to look at the papers or watch the news. Just get on with Sunday and look forward to the Super Bowl and stuff.

I still don't know who I want to win tonight. I don't like Pittsburgh. It's America's Sheffield plus Pennsylvania has all those weird Amish people and they're just the creepiest people this side of Ultra-Orthodox Jews with those silly hats and dangly bits of hair. What's orthodox about dressing like that? Especially when you're only 10.

Anyway I digress. I also don't like Wisconsin cause all the worst serial killers seem to come from there and I've never liked cheese. I mean I'll have it melted on a sammich, but those people eat big blocks of it I think. No wonder they're all so angry. Probably never been for a good shit in their whole lives.

Given that we're talking about 100,00 serial killers and religious fruit baskets big on incest and horses invading Dallas which is already home to a few million crazies, you wonder if the NFL have really thought this through. It could be a blood bath.

I do like to pick a team to root for, but it is a tricky one. However, since Mike Wilbon AND Paulie two Thumbs have tipped Pittsburgh I think I'll pick the Packers. And cause that's almost a tongue twister. He often picks quite poorly so I'll pick the Packers to pepper Pittsburgh and pickle two thumbs Paulie.

The end.

Da Bears

I'm laughing as I type this as my NFL handicapping Labrador Bruce from Chicago has sent me a text assuring me the conditions in Chi Town are perfect for a Bears win this evening. It's currently cold as fuck and as we know, the only way the Bears can really beat the Packers tonight is by applying maximum pressure to Aaron Rogers.

Labrador Bruce observing conditions outside Soldierfield yesterday

The colder the conditions (hopefully it will snow too) the less effective Rogers' arm. The Bears defense is healthy and will be keen to break at least four of his ribs as early as possible. The Bears need to keep the ball for as long as possible obviously if they're to keep Rogers out of the frame.

The weather and home field advantage makes this much easier. The running game for Chicago is the key. Drain the clock, win the game. It's so simple. The coverage of the Packers wide receivers will have to be perfect also.

They're better than the Seahawks and any opportunities for turn-overs cannot be missed. NO! Lots of pressure of Rogers, lots of possession when they have the ball and good coverage and the Bears win. Easy peasy.

We have not laid our Superbowl winner bet off yet. If you recall we're on the bears at 42.0. They're now trading at 7.0. This is way too high to be laid off. Once the Bears win and the Jets win later on tonight, then a small lay may be executed.

The end.

Crazy

So as I suspected, anteing up for the DTD Grand Prix yesterday was a pointless investment. In real terms I found soon after my arrival that while I was there, I wasn't really there. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

The reasons for this I think were threefold; firstly I have come to find the behaviour of many many amateur poker players simply too absurd to take these events seriously.

Secondly, and more importantly, I've gone at the game. In my defense this is not because I've softened into a craven nancy boy incapable of voluntarily putting chips into a pot without holding the nuts, it's simply that I become knackered after a level or two and can't summon the requisite levels of adrenaline to remain competitive.

It's a young man's game you see and with my 90th* birthday approaching I have found over the past few months that I prefer not to be awake for longer than four or five hours at a time. These deepstack tournaments are too long and I found yesterday, especially after the guy I traveled with had busted out, that I simply didn't want to be there.

Thirdly and finally, the Pigeons game has destroyed my ability to read a hand properly and apply any sense of perspective and practical analysis to a 'proper' poker tournament. I've submitted a paper to the British Journal of Crazy recently where I present my research into a sort of poker equivalent of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought about by exposure to too much crazy at the Pigeons.

They say that when a soldier has been exposed to the conditions of war it becomes almost impossible for him to readjust to normal life when they return home. Daily life can seem to have little sense or purpose and too mundane as to not be worth major effort.



The evanescence of any motivation to do anything can then have a profound effect on the person's ability to accomplish anything. I hypothesise in my paper the conditions of the Pigeon's game can have a similar traumatising effect when one returns to 'normal' poker.

Sadly, the only cure for Post Pigeons Stress Disorder is electric shock treatment to sever ones short term memory. Elsewise one can treat the condition by retiring from proper poker, watching more Bowls on telly and sleeping more.

* * *

In other news, at least later on today my Heinz 57 wager on this afternoon's Premier League footballing fixtures will provide me with enough monies to buy an awesome new bed which I really need as my water bed is sometimes hard to climb out of in a hurry.

And on Sunday the Chicago Bears will overwhelm the Green Bay Packers allowing me to pay for accompanying awesome bedding hand woven by naked Egyptian virgins who will personally deliver it and sing me to my rest each night and before my daytime power naps.


*I have calculated that there are 2.44 'CF' years to a healthy year.

Eeek

Not a full 24 hours after blogging about the imminent extinction of the human race as we know ourselves at the hands of the Chinese, I tune into coverage of the snooker on the BBC to find that the two finalists of the Masters are Chinese!!

In your face all those of you who sent me comments accusing me of Xenophobia (a Chinese word surely?) and being mad. Since when do the Chinese play snooker? They'll be playing darts next.

How long until the best player and team in all sports is Chinese? They've even got someone in the NBA for fucks sake. I estimate no more than five years. Just long enough for us all save ourselves. All we have to do is stop eating Chinese food and wrap our children in foil.


In other mildly less sinister news, I went for a sammich and some snacks an hour or so ago only to find the ominous sight of a large murmuration of Starlings hovering above my street.

Usually at this time of year, for about a three week period, they dump up to eighteen gallons of shit on my car each evening before heading back to China or where ever they're from. I was hoping with the cold weather and the unexplained deaths of thousands of birds in random parts of the world that they might not show up this year. Hopefully there's still time for them all to catch flu.

I'm going to have a nice cup of tea now before the NFL play-offs where of course the Chicago Bears, who we were able to back at 42.0 some weeks ago, will defeat Seattle and their crazy old man head coach who belongs in a Scooby-Doo cartoon, rather comfortably.

In the later game obviously the Jets will win by a comfortable margin as New York always beats teams from anywhere near Boston.

Finally, as we speak Totterington still cannot beat Manchester United. This is ridiculous. It's like the Gods don't want me to have any money at all. I never soil my principles again by better on evil.

Family ties

Let's hope neither side has anything to cheer
about after this afternoon's Merseyside derby no?

The iMac challenge has taken some reverses and we're unfortunately down to the felt. We can't even afford an Amstrad. Our last £60 is now in play, invested in a Premier League double, which we hope will see the Meeeeeeerseyside derby end in a draw and Manchester City winning at half-time and full-time of their financial mismatch with Blackpool and also an NFL Trixie where of course the Ravens will beat New England, Atlanta will beat Philadelphia and Detroit will not lose by anymore than 9.5pts.

If we're successful the challenge will continue. It will continue until we go bust or reach our target and why not? Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't been to bed yet so I'm going to retire or I won't be able to fit in a snooze before the Pigeon's game later on this evening.

Hero to zero

Given my consistently inconsistent footballing prognostications of late, I've decided to abandon proper football and have a bash at some Mercan football wagering. This evening while I'm struggling my way through the Pigeon's game, the game of the season so far in the NFL will occur in Philadelphia and even if I am pushed around by Joy, I'll thank my lucky stars I'm not Donovan McNabb being pushed around by the city of Philadelphia.

This is a big one so early in the season not because it will necessarily make or break the season for either team, but because of both Quarterbacks' individual circumstances.

The hapless Redskins led by ex-Eagle Donovan McNabb will enter the Lincoln financial field to a generous round of applause from the fans in recognition for McNabb's eleven years of service with the Eagles. Or so he thinks.

Fans in Philadelphia are somewhat partisan. It's true McNabb didn't really want to leave, didn't ask to leave and had a good relationship with Eagle's fans, but usually that doesn't count for much when you return with a rival team...and you ultimately failed to deliver anything while you were there.

I don't recall Flyers fans being too generous to Eric Lindros when he showed up in Philly in a Rangers uniform for the first time. There might have been generous applause for McNabb had he returned in a Seattle Seahawks uniform, but not a Redskins one. I'm expecting a hostile reception for him, and if the Redskins start well the last decade may as well have not happened.

Michael Vick has something to prove in this game also. I am pleased he is now the starting quarterback. I don't have any time usually for people who list dog fighting as a hobby, but I've never understood why he had to go to jail because of it.

In America it's acceptable to hunt for sport. Sarah Palin for example can gun down bears from a helicopter for fun and it's fine, yet Michael Vick's dog fighting championships is punishable by jail time and a career in ruins. Not condoning dog fighting of course, just I fail to understand the difference in terms of animal cruelty.

Anyway, I digress...so now he has wrested the number one spot from Kevin Kolb, albeit after an injury to the original starter, he now has the harder task of keeping hold of it. Beating Washington tonight and sending Donovon McNabb home penniless will go a long way to securing this. It will allow his employers to point at McNabb and say they were justified in ditching him and ditching him to a divisional rival at that, it will also put to bed the nonsense surrounding the Kolb/Vick starting quarterback flip-flopping debacle.

I myself can't see how the Redskins win here. They have a shambolic defense. Strictly going by the numbers it's a home banker. Michael Vick is red hot and the Redskins defense is the worst in the NFL.

McNabb would have to produce something for the ages to win this game and the simple fact of the matter is Andy Reid would not have traded him to a division rival in the first place if he thought he was capable of that kind of performance.

As a Redskins fan and a sports better on a cold streak, I say this with a heavy heart and a light wallet; the 1.44 for an Eagle's win must surely be far too generous to pass up. I know anyone can beat anyone on any given Sunday, but this isn't really any given Sunday.

Cooling your Jets

This is young Inés Sainz, the Mexican reporter for Azteca TV who "took exception" this week at a New York Jets practice to some comments made to her by a few of the players. This picture was taken at the very practice in question.

Now call me chauvinistic, call me cynical, but if you have an ass like that and you wear jeans that are so tight they look like they were sprayed on and strut about in the locker room of an American football team where 50 enormous naked men pumped full of testosterone are within licking distance, then the very least you can expect from them is lurid comments. This after all is the very same reporter who last year took out a tape measure and asked wide receiver Steve Breaston of the Arizona Cardinals if she could measure his biceps. I think it was biceps.

Quite frankly I don't envy the task of whoever is in control of keeping the players cool when there are strumpets like Ms Sainz strutting about the place like the very definition of 'cock tease."

And anyway, I think it's fair to say Mexican TV is not perhaps the most progressive of environments in terms of sexual equality. Mexican TV weather girls for example are essentially soft-core porn stars. I have a feeling Ms Sainz is a seasoned pro when it comes to dealing with chauvinism. She's no shrinking violet - a google image search of her name is testament to this, so I think her sensibilities are robust enough to cope with this sort of thing.

Perhaps she's a Giants fan and just making mischief, but if she was genuinely offended I find this astonishing. Good luck to her if she ever shows up at the Pigeon's game dressed like that with Neal in one of his moods.

Little League World Series

So this is just a post to kill time until my next snooze, which is due in about twenty minutes. If you have access to the ESPNs, have you been watching the Little League World Series? It's good stuff and when it says "WORLD" it means it. There's actually different nations in it as opposed to the major leagues where it's just different Mercans. It's about the same sort of standard as women's baseball, or "softball" if you will, only with smaller people.

So anyway yes, it's quite entertaining stuff as it goes, although the Mexican kids were cheated out of a victory last night in the final inning against a squad of Japanese snipers.

I'm all for international play, but inter-species play is asking a lot if you're from this planet. I'm sure the lead hitter for the Japanese had the same eyes as the Terminator. The Mexican kids don't even have split screen or slow-mo vision.

They let Mexico think they had the game in the bag needing just three outs for the win and then hit something like four consecutive runs and that was all she wrote. They listened in on the Japanese coach, and of course no one could understand what he was saying without the aid of a universal translator, but I've watched it back today and been able to ascertain he was telling his kids to keep in the shade otherwise they'd over-heat! And he also told the little number 4 first baseman to run a level three diagnostic on his inner core-programme cause he missed a simple catch.

I'm mean really, I'm all for kids competing, I hate all that "it's just the taking part that counts" nonsense, it's that kind of thinking that's made all English kids fat little bastards...but still...I don't think it's fair to ask a bunch of twelve year old Mexican kids to beat robots. It'll be interesting to see what happens if they play the USA as I think they have a kid called John Conner.

Mexico's little league baseball team sportingly wave goodbye to the Japanese spaceship
as it lifted off after beating Mexico 4-2 in their World Series match yesterday.

Elsewhere on ESPN there was a brilliant behind the scenes type documentary featuring the Alabama College Football team - the Crimson Tide.

Very good it was too although the fitness coach made me want to drop a dumbbell on his head. Why do Mercans enjoy shouting so much? That would never work here.

If he shouted, "IF IT DON'T HURT YOU AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT" at an English footballer, he'd just snigger and ask him - schoolboy like - if he had any more sage love making tips.

OK so I'm off for a snooze now, I've said me piece.
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