Thumb twiddling

There was a time not so long ago that I would regularly get my knickers in a twist over things I had no control over. Politics for example. Many a day I would seethe with angried up blood because our lives were being controlled by people who desperately needed featuring in an episode of Dexter.

Fortunately, the deeper I've retreated into my cave the less of a toss I give. I give so little of a toss now about anything in fact that I'm finding myself increasingly without anything to seethe about. I miss it. I think. My thumbs are sore from all the twiddling.

I might have accepted that we're all doomed and it's every man woman and child for him her and its self and I might have been forsaken by the football Gods too many times now to feel anything when Arsenal lose to Stoke, but I refuse to accept that I'm essentially dead inside.

For the next few days I'm going to search for something to get emotional about. I'm going to watch some you tube videos of dogs struggling in icey water. That always reduces me to tears. If only Suki and Ling Ling had waited for me. They could have wrestled in jelly to take my mind of all this inner turmoil guff.

Enough

Apparently tomorrow everyone who has ever read or worked for the News of the World will either resign or be found dead in suspicious circumstances finally putting an end to what has become quite a tedious affair.

Meanwhile, the entire global economy continues to collapse and the few people who have the good sense to look beyond the navel-gazing nonsense of British newspapers will continue to hoard tinned goods, blankets and water for when the lights go out and chaos ensues.

Good luck everyone.

Boring

The Enterprise right, has battles with the Borg and the Cardassians and the Romulans and everything, so it's really a war ship rather than a ship of exploration and other bollocks...but it's also got an arboretum, a theatre, a crèche, a dance studio, holodecks, a gymnasium and a wine bar.

I don't think the Romulans have got so much as a cinema on any of their war birds and they're about twice as big as the Enterprise. Did the writers get the scripts for Star Trek: The next generation mixed up with another show about a cruise ship?

Is there a show in some dusty library somewhere that didn't make it onto TV about a luxury cruise liner armed with nuclear weapons with minimal comforts for crew and passengers and only a ping pong table and a pack of 51 cards to keep everyone amused?

And how big is the Enterprise? How can everyone have such spacious quarters? Traditionally, naval Captains don't have room for a snooker table in their cabins. They're like suites at the Waldorf Astoria only better.

I only mention this because it's more interesting than anything else anyone is talking about. I can't wait until all the newspapers have been banned and we've all been brainwashed, dressed up in blue boiler suites and fed Quorn burgers every meal.

I've been chatting with my man in Westminster this morning and he assures me that in fact Rupert Murdoch's appearance before the nonsense select committee on Tuesday is not actually a water shed moment in human history.

It's actually of little to no consequence. But people who exist only within one square mile of the Palace of Westminster are incapable of appreciating how indifferent everyone else is to this now.

I'll get excited by an inquiry that has a very real possibility of ending with various politicians being hanged by the necks until they be dead dead dead but until then I'll continue to ponder how the Enterprise manages so easily to ignore the laws of geometry when everyone knows only Dr Who is allowed to do this.

A typically bored couple of bored people being bored by boring
obsessive lefties who are losing the battle to convince bored
Britain that phone hacking by tabloids has not become boring

Guff

Briseño, como el capitán del equipo mexicano levantó el trofeo

Instead of sleeping tonight I thought I'd feel cack instead and stay up all night watching Dexter. I'm still not sure if it's OK to find what he does immeasurably awesome. He's so good I always forget he's got ginger hair.

In other news, as of course you all know, Mexico are world champions. Proper world champions too. Not world champions in the American sense of the word where a team from New York beats a team from Boston at a game invented in New Jersey. Proper champions beating other nations including Germany at the world's game FOOTBALL.

Having given Uruguay a thrashing in los chavos world cup final on Sunday night we can only hope that Arsene Wenger was watching keenly and will drawing up contracts as we speak to bring Carlos Fierro and Captain Antonio Briseño to Arsenal.

I thought it was quite amusing seeing Mexican fans all wearing Julio Gomez head bandages in celebration of his over head injury time winner against the square heads.

Mexico will now play Uruguay again on Tuesday in the daft and pointless Copa America. Even if U r gay win it's hardly much of a revenge as Mexico aren't permitted to play their senior team. Next time around Mexico will be allowed to bring their grown ups to the tournament so why they made them play the Olympic team this around I will never understand.

Been a rubbish tournament anyway. Anything starting in Argentina is always going to be shit..their pigs ear of an invasion of the Falkland islands is evidence of that.

* * *

"Just paint whatever you feel inside you" Princess Kate takes things
too literally with her contribution to an art project in Los Angeles

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are planning on taking things easy for a while and to settle into married life after their tour of North Merca. This is obviously code for Wills be getting Kate knocked up as soon as possible.

Once the Duchess has squeezed out two heirs I confidently predict she'll be playing finger cuffs on a luxury yacht to a couple of Arabs moored in Monaco just like her dead mother-in-law.

An artist's impression of how in the Duchess of
Cambridge might look in the finger cuffs position

Goodness gracious me

DISCLAIMER: I MADE THIS UP THIS MORNING, AND WHY NOT

Jeremy Simpson 41, from West Yorkshire known as Jezza to his online friends, one of the famous Cub Scouts who hilariously tried to eat their lunch while riding a roller coaster on the Jim'll Fix It show in 1979 came to a grisly end on Saturday when he ate himself on the very same roller coaster that made him a minor child celebrity.

A suicide note posted on his Facebook page explained how he endured more than just one sickening ride as that ten year porky cub scout and how Jimmy Saville was not the pleasant uncomplicated regular guy he appeared to be on TV.

Now then now then,

I can't go on. I can't escape my demons. I've had me innocence stolen haven't ah and us got no choice but to end it all. It's for t'ut best. I want the world to know warr appened that day though so no other bastard 'as to go through it.

After Jim'll had given us our badges and the cameras had stopped filming he whispered into my ear that he had a "special something" for me and to come and see him in his dressing room after the show. I were nervous. His dressing room was down a long corridor. I approached from the north and as I got nearer I could here a really strange noise getting louder and louder, like a mix between Tarzan of the apes and an old man's orgasm.

I knocked on Jim'll's door and I were shaking. He asked who it was and I said it were Jeremy. He sounded out of breath and told me to come in quickly and shut the door. I were a bit shocked when I got inside cause Jim'll was dressed in a shiny pink leather frock that had been pulled up over his waist and he had what looked like a steel spring clamp on his bollocks.

He gave me a funny tasting milkshake to drink and everything went dark. I woke up four hours later in the back of my Dad's Datsun Sunny approaching junction 39 for Leeds and Wakefield with my underpants on backwards and a burning pain in my backside which turned out to be a cigar.

I keep telling myself it weren't my fault, but was it? I'm so alone.

Good bye cruel world

Jezza

In a phone call with Jezza's mother earlier this morning she explained how her son's experiences with Jim'll changed him forever;

"He were never the same after that day. He never told us what happened with Jim'll in his dressing room..he just used to sit by the window and dribble. I used to come home from work scrubbing floors and find him in the dark watching himself on TV on that roller coaster over and over again. I got the shock of me life when I found his diary, it had 'Jim'll fixed it for me' written over and over again..400 fucking pages there were."

It were,.... it was not long before his school work began to suffer and Jeremy began experimenting with pastries and exploring his appetite for sado-masochistic sex with transvestites, as his father Albert, a 67 year old retired welder explained, "he were a dirty little begger."

"Jezza" enjoying a sex holiday
in Cambodia in 2008

"We found only a chewed cigar and a pair of sandals" explained acting Chief Constable Barry Crumble of the Lancashire Constabulary who confirmed a 41 year old male was eaten on Saturday afternoon after boarding the roller coaster and they are not looking for anybody else in connection with the repast.

A wild stomach churning ride and the roller coaster
on which Jeremy Simpson ate himself on Saturday

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