Too little too late

Well now it was a bittersweet evening's sports wagering. Our Champions League yankee finally returned a significant enough profit to finance the exit visas of nurses Suki and Ling Ling from China who I was in desperate need of to head up my personal medical staff.

Unfortunately the lengthy delays have allowed a feindish Russian cabillionaire to swoop in and gazump me. Consequently Suki and Ling Ling are now in Moscow probably applying a liberal measure of an Eastern soothing balm not know to us here in the west to the chest and genitals of Vladimir Krotcykhgitcnivoviociciv.

I will instead invest my winnings on tins of beans and American football pads to prepare for the coming apocalypse caused by Germans who thought they could enjoy an symbiotic economic relationship with Greeks and other nations who consider paying taxes to be just something that happens to other people.

We're doomed people. Doomed. It's every man woman and child for him her and itself. Good luck everyone.

Woe is us

I do not feel good today people. I feel tired and sore and my spirits are low. The continued delays in securing the release from China of nurses Suki and Ling Ling are weighing heavily on my tired mind and body.

I am hearing from China that nurse Suki is refusing food too. Ling Ling will not speak, she only stares forlornly to the west from their lonely apartment balcony and sighs. Suki is surviving by drinking her own tears. Ling Ling has only had a small bowl of soup since Thursday.

However, the beginning of the end of our sorrows is approaching. Our trinity will become one very soon. I fully expect this weekend's football wagers to reap such rewards that Suki and Ling Ling will be with me, both fully fed, and administering my convalescence by Tuesday evening.

Of course with each delay I am having to place more and more optimistic wagers as the returns also have to cover the previous loses! Soon I will have to back Arsenal to keep a clean sheet! This weekend's Yankee will require draws between Newcastle and Blackburn and West Brom and Fulham. We will also need Aston Villa and the Totteringtons to win.

If things continue to spiral out of control I will only be able to afford the services of nurse Gladys Emmanuel. I know kids, I'm scared too.

Nurses Suki and Ling Ling a step closer

As my regular readers will be aware, I have been struggling for some weeks now to finance the immigration visa expenses of nurses Suki and Ling Ling who are as we speak twiddling their delicate thumbs and pouting their soft full moistened lips in the departure lounge of Shanghai Pudong International airport waiting for the off.

They will head my personal nursing staff and oversee all of my medical and bathing needs. Nurse Ling Ling has qualifications in all the western medical fields and also several ancient eastern techniques unknown to us here in the west involving mysterious pain alleviating fondling. Nurse Suki is skilled in the application of soothing ointments even under the influence of alcohol and opiates.


It is of course imperative they join me here as soon as possible. There really isn't a moment to lose.

The financing of their immigration bureaucracy was helped enormously last night as we enjoyed a significant return on our Tuesday night Carling Cup footballing wagers. In fact my numbers people estimate that if the same returns on Wednesday's investments are realised, both nurses Suki and Ling Ling could be wearing the uniform of the house by Saturday evening. Assuming of course the boots and little hats are a snug fit.

So this evening if Everton, Cardiff, Liverpool and Southampton could oh-blige me, by Saturday evening I could be slippery and pliable, reaping the medicinal rewards of the many many ancient Chinese balms and oils which have been known to reinvigorate the old and relieve the wheezy.

Champions League

I have spoken briefly to nurses Suki and Ling Ling today. They had occasion to try out a newly developed technique for relieving pain on a gentlemen which I am told involves the patient adopting a seated position in a corner of a small well ventilated room, while the two nurses wrestle in a small paddling pool filled with warm soapy water.

This technique which we here in the west have yet to adopt has produced remarkable results. Anecdotal evidence tells of a man close to death having been suffering from his brain rotting away.

After only a three minute bout he was skipping out of the facility grinning like a Cheshire cat. I am in a great deal of discomfort and although there is a danger this technique will cause me to asphyxiate, I feel at this late stage it is +EV roll of the dice.

So of course as you can see it is vital that this evening's Champions League wager which to be fair I can't even recall placing this morning, return a profit that will finally allow me to register Suki and Ling Ling's exit visa papers with a man called Dong from Shangwang who says he can sort things from there.

The wager is a standard yankee which will require wins for Manchester United, Inter Milan and Lille and a draw between the Villarreals and Bayern Münchens.


I wanted to have a shilling or to on the boys to at least secure a point against Citeh, but I did not want to jinx them. Good luck with all your bets.