The honourable gentlemen are making me cross

Order, order!! The honourable gentlemen will refrain from

appointing himself lord chief justice of the whole galaxay

While House of Commons speaker and very small man John Bercow was giving John Hemming a telling off by pointing at him and frowning, across the way in the Ukrainian Parliament, vice-speaker Adam Martynyuk was applying a sort of Vulcan death grip to the wind pipe of Oleg Lyashko who perhaps unwisely had referred to Martynyuk as a 'Pharisee.'

Now of course in a country where some 10 million people were starved to death by Jewish Bolsheviks in the holodomor, this was perhaps not the wisest choice of words or course of action to take when you're denied the opportunity to make a boring speech. But it was necessary and sadly could never happen here.

Go to sleep now cunt: a point of order Ukrainian style.

When Parliament becomes irrelevant, either because the state is so corrupt it's law making process is merely for show or as with our own Parliament it has ceded all power to a larger more sinister body, the MPs have to find ways of remaining relevant.

Violence is the best way of at least being seen to care. Nothing says "passion" like stoving in the head of a member of the opposition with the heel of one's shoe. The problem we have in this country is our MPs just don't get it.

Our Parliament is steeped in the tradition and heritage of over a thousand years of being world war champions and owning almost everything. Not being conquered in a thousand years is unrivaled awesomeness, not even Phil Taylor has shown this level of consistency.

But this is of course not the case now. We're finished as a nation, but our Parliament is still marinating in the stagnant juices of history and the Empire. It's all so very complacent and familiar and familiarity breeds contempt. The self-importance of our Parliament has prevented them from realising they have to spice things up a bit if they're not to drift into total obscurity.

It's not enough anymore for thirty MPs to wave their order papers at each other shouting 'reesign,' or 'bravoooo.' Even the most ill-informed member of the under-classes has now realised our Parliament is pointless and impotent. So if they want the public to re-engage with them and continue the facade that we're still a functioning democracy someone must drive a fountain pen into Chris Huhne's face before it's too late.