Friday horoscopes

Aries:
A friend in need is a friend indeed or is it a friend “in deed?” Beware of offering to help close friends today, as they may want you to dispose of a body.

Taurus:
Financial worries will ease this weekend as a serious health condition will come to light putting everything in perspective.


Gemini:
Concerns over a serious health condition will ease today as you realise you’re facing bankruptcy after a trusted business partner embezzles company funds and begins a new life for himself and your wife in the West Indies.

Cancer:
Love is in the air today, quite literally the open air…an especially bountiful Friday in store for keen Cancerian (!?) doggers.

Leo:
Cause for celebration as you are 10% more awesome today than yesterday.

Virgo:
A romantic evening could be on the cards followed by some detailed rape role playing so don’t forget to remind your partner of your “safe” word.


Libra:
If you love someone set them free. Isn’t it about time you released your daughter from your basement dungeon?

Scorpio:
With Jupiter and Saturn still not being as big as your wife’s arse there’s little comfort in it being the weekend for male Scorpions today, however, soon be Monday!

Sagittarius:
If your knees are now wider than your thighs, it’s time to start eating cakes again.

Capricorn:
It's not too late to turn yourself in.

Aquarius:
If there’s hair on the wicket let’s play cricket…young Tracy across the way is having a party tonight as her parents are away, why not pop over with a couple of bottles of Diamond White and see if she needs anything. Even if she doesn’t, give it to her anyway, she'll never remember.


Pisces:
Perhaps it’s time to see your GP if the swelling has not gone down and the burning sensation when you urinate is still making you cry and setting off the smoke alarms.

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