Saturday wagering

So of course as it's the Grand National today it only seems right that we back the winner. So, I've had £35 of your earth monies on West End Rocker. My tactics for backing horses in the National are very simple;- must be carrying less than 11st, cock of no more than 20", not less than 14/1 in the betting, no decent Cheltenham form and no criminal record. This year only one selection stands out. Easy money.

Bet: West End Rocker 17.0

We've changed tactics in our football wagering this weekend. We're abandoning the standard Saturday Yankee and from now on will simply bet against Manchester United and Manchester City in their respective league games as they are both shit.

Both teams are so offensive to me in how unworthy they are as Champions that I find it hard to keep my food down when they're on telly. If I'm to endure game after game of these two squads of over-paid pukes from now until the season concludes, each trying to outdo the other in miserable averageness, then I at least want compensating finically for it. That's what I always say.

Generally the opposing teams are massive prices too so there's no reason why we won't be able to afford cars made out of gold by the time Manchester slump to their 7th successive loss on May 13th away to crazy man Martin O'Neill's Sunderland.

Bets:

Aston Villa (win): 17.0

Norwich (win): 7.0

It's the FA Cup semi-finals also of course and assuming the city of Liverpool isn't too grief stricken over events some 23 years ago to get the game on then really this ought to be a penalty kick for Everton as Liverpool are as bad as Blackburn and only slightly better than Wolves.

However, Liverpool are the luckiest team on the history of football when it comes to cup competitions and for this reason alone they will probably find a way to win 3-0. Kenny Dalglish will then smugly ask everyone who thinks he's shit (which is everyone) what the problem is.

In the other fixture Chelsea will win 3-0 and deserve to as, despite being favourites, Totterington are such appalling creatures that I think I'd rather be molested by a close friend of the family than gain financially from their success.

Bets:

Liverpool (win): 2.74

Chelsea (win): 2.86

Good luck with all your bets.