Stuff of the week

Now then...not had much to say recently and for that I apologise. I know most of the English speaking world reads my blog and looks to me for leadership in these austere times. But there's been a reason for my absence and I shall have to ask you to forgive me.

I've not had much to say, but something's about to come out accompanied by spit and phlegm so put on a clean suit of oilskins and Sou'wester and take heed ye olde bastards. Take heed. Haa haargh.

As you can tell I've been reading stories about pirates this evening. And when I get like that, I go through changes. I'll try and remain on topic as much as possible however.

So as well as reading about pirates I was also able to make a social faux pas tonight. I think the odds of my delivering this particular inadvertent boo-boo must have been trading at 999.0 on Betfair around 6pm so I hope you were on.

A chum who I have not seen for at least five years came over. Her husband is unwell and I wanted to ask her some questions about how they are dealing with it. She was always very particular about what she ate, so straight away I ask her if she felt there was likely to be anything in my house that her immune system would tolerate her eating or drinking.

As we sat talking and catching up and while she sipped her tea without milk or sugar, she revealed she had Crohns disease - a condition I'm still ignorant about, but which I think is an immune system issue focused around the bowels. D'oh!

If a book needs to be written on putting your foot in it, I'll do it. I'll do it tonight. I've got the time.

Speaking of books, I also finished reading David Copperfield a couple of nights ago. Took me as long to read it as it did to write it I think. Actually given that it's autobiographical it almost took me as long to read it as live it.

Was he gay then or not? He spent a lot of time admiring Steerforth and for heavens sake with the comments about Traddles' hair. I wonder how different the book would have been had it been written today when cottaging was not illegal?

Yesterday I bought stuff. I received a new iPhone. This thing is absolutely superfluous to all my needs. But it is snazzy. I got the glass one for the hell of it. It'll mean I'll actually have to go outside though so people can see me using it.

The Siri guy cannot understand a fucking word I say though. I'm too chesty. I'll ask it if it's raining outside and it'll phone my Nan. It just keeps calling a bunch of numbers no matter what I say to it. I don't like his voice either. He's like a continuity announcer. I wanted Jennifer Agutter. Can you change the voice?

In other news I actually succeeded with the bag of sand challenge last weekend. I won £1,192 from a £50 starting stake. I think that's only the second time I've ever completed it. And that was one weekend too, usually I give myself a week.

I'm finding it quite tricky to think of things to buy. I'm actually thinking of getting a house keeper. Just for a few weeks or so so I can say I have staff. I want someone 'umble who'll call me Master and go home of an evening with my poo under her finger nails. But back to this house keeper thing; I just think I could do with one.

I took a quick look at the real world recently. I see we're all still doomed and it's every man for himself. Good luck every one.