So anyway..Ouch!

So the dire consequences of nurses Suki and Ling Ling's continued delay in joining me here from China to head my personal medical staff were laid bare literally before me last week as I was pointlessly rushed into A&E by my mother where I sat for hours waiting to be admitted to their emergency surgical ward where I lay for a further 16 hours before having a hernia operation that had had me wincing and ooohing in pain since the previous afternoon.

I had just bought a pizza in fact, which I didn't get to even open. Had Suki and Ling Ling been present they would have been able to apply soothing ointment to my chest and genitals while they played twister on the special oily mat I have here for them, offering me an essential distraction from my groinal agony and preventing me from going into shock.

They would also have been able to accompany me to the hospital where I wouldn't have had to wait ten hours to get a sip of water. I won't go into the entire experience, but suffice is to say I pity anyone who has to use the NHS for anything serious. It doesn't work, which makes it pointless. Even an expensive health service would be better than a free one that didn't work.

Perhaps we'd take more responsibility for our health if we knew it would cost us a fortune if something went wrong. Either way that was an undignified experience in many many ways. Even if they had been wearing those red 'Do Not Disturb' Tabards, I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. Except maybe swing my cock catheter drainage bag at them.

I had occasion to vomit on a nurse called Georgie and I apologised for that as I didn't mean to. It was her last day as it happened. She was last seen pelting down the corridor in tears trying to put as much distance between us as possible and reapply some perspective to her life. Even if it wasn't her last day I suspect it would have been after having her chest drenched in my green stomach bile.

Don't you hate that when you're sick and it's just foul tasting stomach bile that comes up? I was really nauseous too. You know how you get when just moving will make you sick so even though you might be sick anyway you don't want to reach for a bowl cause that will definitely make you chunder. A nasty business.

I'm home now. Horrah. I'm not allowed to drive or lift anything heavy for a week, which is a shame as I was just in the mood to lift something really heavy. Also I can't eat anything that someone from Scotland might eat. Also my penis seems to be a bit left of central. Like there's a gentle breeze wafting it towards the east. I'm wondering if they might have prodded a bit too much back in? Perhaps it'll straighten out when the swelling goes down.

The only positives I can draw from this is that this week's Carling Cup wagers will return such a profit that Suki and Ling Ling could be with me in time to remove my dressing and begin my physiotherapy which according to their emails I won't be able to begin until I lift both legs above my head.

I'd had that hernia since I was 18 you know. It was a femoral hernia, which apparently is rare and usually only occurs with women. I had a woman's hernia. Funny how things occur. One minute you're ordering pizza the next minute your bowels are strangulating and then someone called Mike with a beard is pushing a tube into your cock. This must be how it feels to be a Liberal Democrat.

We're doomed people. You can't rely on anyone for anything no more. It's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

On a more positive note, my new sofa will arrive on Thursday.