Deep deep down

Newcastle away, Champions League qualifier, Liverpool at home, Champions League qualifier, Manchester United at home. This is a start to a season that could only have been compiled by a bitter Tottenham supporter. One of those Cro-Magnon types who are scared of fire and live in the shadows.

Arsenal usually draw against Liverpool. But on this occasion down in my boots, deep deep down, I fear for the boys because they are literally this time, boys. Most of the over 21s of the squad are either banned, injured or playing for Manchester City now.

Our midfield tomorrow will have less sexual experiences between the four of them than East-17. We are so dangerously lightweight that I can only see us blowing away in a stiff breeze.

There ought to be some money we can make from this mess however. In such an unpredictable market Arsenal's predictability is the one aspect of Premier League wagering we can approach with anything like confidence.

Arsenal will give up a goal in this game. And as they can't defend set pieces it's a good chance that goal will come from cross-dressing Andy Carroll. In the day time he is Andy, in the evenings he is Caroline.

Even if Liverpool can't somehow breach such a fragile defense Arsenal will almost certainly find a way to do it for them with probably a twenty yard own goal the likes of which Lee Dixon could only dream of.

There will be a red card also as Arsenal like to add to their own problems. A long line of players outside the physio room is simply not enough of a handicap for the Gunners. They really like to test their metal by racking up red cards and suspensions of usually the best players.

It's been a while since Robin Van Persie was sent off, but tomorrow I fancy Thomas Vermaelen to see red, probably in the third or fourth minutes.

Elsewhere amongst the chaos of the Premier League I fancy Sunderland to beat Newcastle and apparently there will also be a red card in Chelsea's game with the Baggies.

The sexually inexperienced East-17