Death bollocks

I'm quite intrigued by the possible signing of Per Mertesacker (which means death bollocks) as he appears to be an actual proper player. At 6ft 6" and being German there is surely little chance of him crying too if he gets hit by the ball or collapsing emotionally if someone shouts at him.

However, I do wonder if putting such an enormous angry German in the same defense as an unhinged Polish goalkeeper of equal size will be allowed under the terms of the Geneva Convention and the stringent environmental health and safety regulations of Islington Council.

If they get the hump with each other it could create a mini Big Bang similar to the one created in that Hadron Collider thing in Switzerland when they smashed lead ions together and a couple of dead mice they found in a cupboard.

I actually spoke to a guy who knows the club's kit man's next door neighbour's window cleaner's son's Chemistry teacher and apparently there is some concern within the club about the dangers of ending life as we know it if there's a mix up at the back.

"There is concern, but the alternative is signing Gary Cahill, which is even worse." said Mr Bradley of Heathfield Comprehensive school in Pinner.

I like the idea that Arene Wenger was never really interested in Gary Cahill and his £6m offer was just a diversionary bid to draw attention away from Mertesacker and give Bolton an opportunity to make twats of themselves at the same time.

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In other news, I'm having some problems with my nose at the moment. Having to wear nasal cannula things all the time is making it very sore. The constant oxygen flow dries out my nose and it bleeds, plus my bogies are enormous. Also the little bit that seperates the nostrils is all red and it's starting to look like Amy Whinehouse's hooter.

The answer apparently is to apply a soothing water based gel to the affected areas, and K-Y jelly is the recommended product. But of course I am not willing to ask a female pharmacist in a crowded Boots for a tube of KY Jelly as it so synonymous with anal homosexual nookie.

I've already been in once to ask for some poo powder to unblock me after all the cheese cake and codeine I've ingested recently. And when I asked for some bum cream to help sooth my arse grapes I don't think my disguise would have fooled them even if one of my fake breasts hadn't burst.

Fun times.