Prince William and Kate Middleton to divorce in 2012

Prince William and Kate Middleton are to begin divorce proceedings in 2012 after wedding next summer. While the newspapers and TV media are only just today reporting news of the couple's engagment announced this morning, we here in the cave received news from my prognosticating water vole, who works as a waiter in the Officer's mess at RAF Valley in Anglesey, that the first Royal marriage for ages will terminate after only 14 months.

Ken on his lunch break yesterday

Rumours of the couple's separation will circulate in May 2012 and this will be confirmed by Clarence House when a photograph taken from a tree opposite his three bed semi in Anglesey appears in the News of the World showing the Prince holed up in the spare room watching TV and eating biscuits with crumbs all down his front.

Rumours of a string of affairs since the Prince's RAF career began will circulate as the tabloids seek to uncover the cause of the split. Eventually a statement released on behalf of Kate Middleton will deny any affairs.

"He's just really weird," the statement will read.."plus I thought I was going to be a Princess, but the Queen won't die and being a Duchess sounds so ordinary, especially the Duchess of Cornwall, I mean really, Cornwall!?..Oooooh-ah Oooh-ah, can I 'ave a pint of cider my duck. It's just not what I thought it was going to be like at all."