Care in the community

Sao Paulo obliged last night, but they made hard work of it. A comical goalkeeping error by Inter's Renan, who made Robert Green look like Gordon Banks, gave the Tricolor a 1-0 half-time lead. As the second half kicked off I found I needed a wee so off I went, only to return to find the score at 2-1!!

It was a lengthy urination for sure, but still two goals in two minutes! Inter had equalised on 52 minutes and then conceded again on 54. Inter were clearly the better team and I was close to needing a poo and no mistake.

Inter were good enough to get a man sent off after 75 minutes and ordinarily this would have eased the pressure on Sao Paulo and my bowels, however as they now needed to win by two clear goals as a consequence of the away goals rule, they were forced to pile men forward leaving themselves vulnerable for a rear goosing.

It never came, phew! Sao Paulo won but were out of the competition thanks to the away goals rule. Internacional will now go on to endure an horrendous slaughtering at the hands of Chivas - first leg of which is on August 11th, the same day World Champions Spain endure and equally horrendous slaughtering at the hands of El Tri at the Azteca Stadium (more on this game in a day or two).


In other football news I have re-invested my haul from this game on a Community Shield wager. I have backed Chelsea at 4.0 to score a goal in both halves. This seems like a generous price to me given how awful Manchester United are. Rio Ferdinand won't be playing, but that doesn't mean they won't be hopeless at the back.

Just take a look at their current squad: here usually such people have a volunteer with them at all times to help them eat soup and get dressed.

If this collection of congenital malformed spud faced chancers (with the exception of Javier Hernández) can be considered amongst the Premier League's best then I'm afraid the standard of football in this country has become comparable with the MLS, we should feel embarrassed and all teams should now have to incorporate a fast-food restaurant or soft-drink company in their name - Aston Villa Star Burgers for example.

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Finally, doesn't Tiger Woods look silly with a goatee. He reminds me of the evil Michael Knight. Having promised to stop whoring around he's essentially given up his super powers just like Superman did in the original movie cause he wanted to give Lois a roasting without harming her. There's some irony here I feel.

Imagine suffering paralysing migraine headaches and not having access to painkillers. You'd never be able to concentrate on anything. Tiger's affliction is his insatiable lust for hookers and various other tramps - without access to his 'medicine' he'll never again be the man who became a golfing legend.

He needs to finalise his divorce thus freeing himself from his chastely shackles and spend about a fortnight in Vegas or his career will be over forever.