Death bollocks

I'm quite intrigued by the possible signing of Per Mertesacker (which means death bollocks) as he appears to be an actual proper player. At 6ft 6" and being German there is surely little chance of him crying too if he gets hit by the ball or collapsing emotionally if someone shouts at him.

However, I do wonder if putting such an enormous angry German in the same defense as an unhinged Polish goalkeeper of equal size will be allowed under the terms of the Geneva Convention and the stringent environmental health and safety regulations of Islington Council.

If they get the hump with each other it could create a mini Big Bang similar to the one created in that Hadron Collider thing in Switzerland when they smashed lead ions together and a couple of dead mice they found in a cupboard.

I actually spoke to a guy who knows the club's kit man's next door neighbour's window cleaner's son's Chemistry teacher and apparently there is some concern within the club about the dangers of ending life as we know it if there's a mix up at the back.

"There is concern, but the alternative is signing Gary Cahill, which is even worse." said Mr Bradley of Heathfield Comprehensive school in Pinner.

I like the idea that Arene Wenger was never really interested in Gary Cahill and his £6m offer was just a diversionary bid to draw attention away from Mertesacker and give Bolton an opportunity to make twats of themselves at the same time.

* * *

In other news, I'm having some problems with my nose at the moment. Having to wear nasal cannula things all the time is making it very sore. The constant oxygen flow dries out my nose and it bleeds, plus my bogies are enormous. Also the little bit that seperates the nostrils is all red and it's starting to look like Amy Whinehouse's hooter.

The answer apparently is to apply a soothing water based gel to the affected areas, and K-Y jelly is the recommended product. But of course I am not willing to ask a female pharmacist in a crowded Boots for a tube of KY Jelly as it so synonymous with anal homosexual nookie.

I've already been in once to ask for some poo powder to unblock me after all the cheese cake and codeine I've ingested recently. And when I asked for some bum cream to help sooth my arse grapes I don't think my disguise would have fooled them even if one of my fake breasts hadn't burst.

Fun times.

The satanic versus...

While I will have to wait for another day before I can bring Suki and Ling Ling over from China, I am sanguine about Arsenal losing today by eight goals for Manchester United to only two goals for Arsenal.

I am not upset, humiliated, embarrassed, or angry as a consequence of this result and the rash that covered my chest and genitals when Arsenal lost 6-1 to Manchester United in 2001 has not returned either, because I know that today was not Arsenal or Arsène Wenger's fault.

I've been warning the footballing community on the blog for years that Alex Ferguson has made a Faustian pact with the devil. There is no other explanation to account for his managerial career.

How does an incontinent alcoholic Glaswegian with little or no social skills achieve something no one in football has ever achieved? In our reality his CV is not possible. The clues are everywhere. Today for example; Manchester City win 5-1 at Totterington. Citeh the only current real threats to United's dominance. So United of course better that result by humiliating Arsenal 8-2.

And it had to be eight goals because 7-2 would not have been enough to put them top of the Premier League. Ferguson is the only man to have defeated the Beckham. Little episodes such as today's have littered his career. Any one instance in isolation can be explained away as coincidence, luck or an aberration, but all of them together is something altogether more sinister.

Ferguson the satanic has defeated the Wenger, the Mourinho, the Benitez. He has wet himself in a car and his reputation has remained in tact and my research has shown he is nearly 700 years old. I know kids, I'm scared too. I'm just glad I'm a Napoli fan.

In safe hands

Arsenal are 13/2 with some bookies today to win at Old Trafford. Granted Arsenal's current side is not the strongest and many of them weren't alive when Zammo from Grange Hill was battling his heroine addiction, but 13/2? I cannot accept they are that bad.

We must first of course remind ourselves that Manchester United will field a younger team than Arsenal. Also their goalkeeper David De Gea is possibly the worst of a long line of catastrophic number ones Alex Ferguson has brought to United over the years. Worse I think even than Massimo "The blind venetian" Taibi - a nickname that still makes me laugh.

David De Gea relaxing at home yesterday

Arsenal on the other hand have Wojciech Szczesny who may be even crazier than Jens Lehmann, and as we all know the crazier the goalkeeper the better. His penalty save against Udinese was fantastic, but his roaring at the penalty taker in Polish to distract him was the stuff of legends. Only the true greats, the true mentalists are capable of this.

Adjusting for how under rated Arsenal's fringe players are and how over rated United are in general, coupled with my stubborn refusal to stare facts in the face mean I will have to have a bet on Arsenal today. I simply must.

May the good lord and father of the baby Jesus forgive me but I will also be backing Totterington too today and in fact Fulham. You may be confused at this point. Is my goal to lose as much money as possible before the weekend is out? Have I overdosed on codeine and Quavers? Is my oxygen flow too high and mashed up my brains?

Well, possibly.

But if none of those things have happened I will have all the monies I need at the end of the day to finally satisfy the Visa requirements and bring specialist nurses Suki and Ling Ling over from Shanghai to join my personal medical staff. And not before time.


*Update: Just seen team news, forget everything I just said, we're fooked.

Champions League proper

A tricky Champions League draw for the boys, but one I think they can progress from. I can't see Manchester City making any waves taking their first dip in the grown ups pool. And of course Villareal, while being a good side with a solid pedigree, will be at the mercy of their coach driver getting them to the games on time as I am told by a reliable source he takes extensive naps.

The square heads will be favourites but I see no reason why we cannot progress with them. In other news Arsenal who I think are from London in England have what I think is a c*nt of a draw, but one they can win if they buy at least two players who have seen a grown woman naked.


Manchester United typically will play three teams who are only part-timers: Otelul Galati who no one in the world has heard of apart from the twelve members of their team and the woman who washes their tops.

Basel who have a defender that makes emmental cheese for a living. And their final opponents are a group of Norwegian Scout troop leaders with a name that is unpronounceable to normal people, who have only very recently taken up the game. "We're not very good, but we enjoy a good kickabout," said the captain of the team Ŏlvïk Hĕŋniñgġeʼnniğurgħånšøņn after the draw on Thursday.

All so predictable

The sad thing about Samir Nasri leaving Arsenal is that some kid in Finchley has probably paid to have her name printed on the back of his shirt and now she's left he won't be able to wear the shirt again.

That's really the only aspect of this transfer that should cause any emotion. Samir Nasri will of course be useless at Manchester City and won't be missed by Arsenal.

She was lost to Arsenal the moment she was linked with Manchester City. It's happened before with Adebeyor. Put in about 18 months of good performances and demand £200k a week.

She is now making so much money it will be impossible for her to care about the fundamentals of a silly game like football which only people who make a sensible or reasonable wage can really become genuinely passionate about.

Passing a football around, shooting, scoring a goal, some times having to play when it's raining or when it's really cold, all of these things will now seem so irrelevant and disagreeable to her it will be impossible for her to summon up the requisite motivation to perform at the levels that have won her a £200,000 a week contract at Manchester City.

If you slept in a bed stuffed with £50 notes in pyjamas made from the finest silks spooled through the moistened labia of Chinese virgins and decorated with your initials using the mane of a unicorn, would you go to training if it was pissing down outside?

Coupled with the fact that City have no heritage now since they were reborn in the image of a lunatic Arab. There will be no possible way a team spirit could survive in the suffocating atmosphere of their dressing room which is now a vacuum with all the principles and values of previous teams sucked out into space. The walls are now reinforced with a special alloy in order to contain the ego of Mario Balotelli and the complexities of Carlos Tevez.

Although Samir was married in a civil partnership to her lesbian lover Letisha just ten months ago, only her love of money can keep her awake let alone maintain the kind of physical condition that will allow her to withstand the physical demands of a Premier League season.

I'll bet good money she plays no more than ten game for City this season and scores no more than four goals. By this time next year there will almost certainly be talk of a transfer to some obscure French team or possibly Juventus. But of course no one will be able to finance the wages and she will spend her time in the shadows of the dressing room and underground lesbian role-playing clubs never to be seen again.

Good riddance that's what I'd always say if I didn't support Napoli now and wasn't in the least bit concerned about what's happening to Arsenal.