La boca de la cueva

3 October 2011

1 October 2011

There are two kinds of people in this world; when the last orders bell rings there are those who will have 'one for the road' and there are those who have had enough. I'm incapable of forming any kind of relationship with those who have had enough.

This is about more than just downing one more incredibly cold fizzy pint of German pop in fifteen minutes. For me, imposing limits on yourself shows a lack of ambition. A lack of imagination and a complacency about the future.

You're assuming you'll be back in the pub again in a few days. You're assuming you'll see your chums again. You're assuming too much. We're too fragile people to impose limits on ourselves and to take anything for granted.

Coupled with the fact that we are all of course doomed, I urge everyone to take a moment to reconsider what is really important in life and to lift self-imposed and unnecessary limits on one's freedom.

With this in mind I will be eating three different varieties of cake today and I will continue to bet on the NFL even though I would enjoy more success if I played three card brag with the good people of Dale Farm.

Today's wagers include a death defying Trixie which, for a return of £758.40, will require: a second half sending off in the North London Derby, a win for Swansea and a win for Real Betis.

This evening's NFL wager a quite audacious 'away' accumulator in which we hope the following occurrences will occur; wins for Detroit, Denver, Washington and Buffalo.

A new Dawn

So of course we were unable to secure the services of nurses Suki and Ling Ling after a protracted struggle to cover the exit visas expenses via wildly optimistic football betting.

I was gazumped by a Russian, but two can play at that game and as of this weekend a new quest begins to secure the services of the house keeper of the very same Russian billionaire who stole Suki and Ling Ling from me.

Her name is Dawn Dvornin. She is 22 and apparently possesses the full range of Shake n' Vac products. She is an Aries and her C.V. states she has spent on average 30 hours a week on all fours since she was 16.

That is exactly the sort of work ethic I am looking for. I will need Dawn to head up my personal house keeping staff immediately, so in order to offer her the sort of contract that will entice her out from beneath Vladimir I will need the following two wagers to come in this weekend:

Wager number 1: (Treble) Racing Santander to beat Rayo Vallecano, Roma to beat Atalanta and Polermo to beat Siena.

Wager number 2: (Yankee) Wins for Roma and Leeds, draw in the Merseyside derby and overs (2.5) for Bolton v Chelsea.

If we're fortunate enough to land both bets Dawn ought to be doing the Shake n' Vac on my living room carpets by Monday afternoon and I will have the freshness back soon after. Good luck with all your bets everyone.

30 September 2011

Keeping and reading blogs increases cancer risk

29 September 2011

Gah

To be fair I haven't felt tip top recently and I think my recent groinal dramas coupled with a lack of foods, sleep and personal hygiene has lead to the inevitable chest infection. I knew this morning in fact that my condition needed attention when I drew back my bedroom curtains to find a number of opportunistic vultures waiting on my drive way and window sill for what they must have assumed was an easy meal.

They had obviously read about me in What Carcass? magazine*. I need to remember to close my bedroom windows at night. So anyway yes, I will head to the big house again on Tuesday although of course I will not be staying any longer that it takes to have a nice cup of tea and my IV inserted.

I pity anyone who has any length of time as an NHS in-patient in their futures. My advice if you're one of those unfortunate bastards is to pretend you're in prison or on a British Navy ship in the 18th century. Make an adventure of it and keep a healthy stash of rum handy as they'll be very little ho ho ho.

Good luck everyone.

*Joke stolen from Red Dwarf

La boca de la cueva

3 October 2011

Zoiks!

1 October 2011

For whom the bell tolls

A new Dawn

30 September 2011

Keeping and reading blogs increases cancer risk

29 September 2011

Gah

Classic movie of the week

Song of the week

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