You Toob comment of the day

"Why are the Romulans such bastards? They're always up to something.

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If the shoe fits

There's an equation men can use to determine the ideal age of their partner...although I'm not sure if it applies to whoopsies as men and women mature at different ages and tend to sag at different times too don't they?

Anyway I digress, the equation for hetro-sexual males is to halve one's age and add one's shoe size. I can't accept this myself however. This could only work for me if I had clowns feet, as this would mean my ideal partner would be 25 and this just wouldn't work.

While it is true in fact that I found myself aroused by a young miss in her early 20's just this afternoon, when I look deep within me I find that I couldn't possibly spend more than two hours with such a typically delicate creature. So fragile emotionally she probably couldn't watch Titanic without crying and would sulk if I hadn't missed her when she'd only been gone twenty minutes to buy some milk and a copy of Hello.

Pert bouncers and a bottom like a couple of boiled eggs in a hankerchief are all well and good, but of course a real relationship requires a deeper attraction and an intimacy beyond that of just sweaty nookie.

Quite apart from the fact that most adults in their twenties in this day and age are educated to the standard of a moldy baguette, they also tend to be optimists with a zest and enthusiasm for life that has yet to be beaten out of them by the cruelness of destiny and the utter futility of life. Well I can't be doing with any of that.

If I were to come out of retirement from this sort of behaviour it would have to be with someone who has at least seen 30. Usually after three decades of exposure to the punishing misery of fate, sufficient cynicism about our way of life will have developed within them to understand how I have become such a miserable bastard and I would not be condemned to engage in that horrific schmaltzy verbal guff women of an earlier age hear on Dawson's Creek and Friends and insist on replicating having mistaken it for intelligent conversation.

Yes yes dear all very sexy, but if you're going to ask me where
our relationship is going I shall have to ask you to leave

Prince William and Kate Middleton to divorce in 2012

Prince William and Kate Middleton are to begin divorce proceedings in 2012 after wedding next summer. While the newspapers and TV media are only just today reporting news of the couple's engagment announced this morning, we here in the cave received news from my prognosticating water vole, who works as a waiter in the Officer's mess at RAF Valley in Anglesey, that the first Royal marriage for ages will terminate after only 14 months.

Ken on his lunch break yesterday

Rumours of the couple's separation will circulate in May 2012 and this will be confirmed by Clarence House when a photograph taken from a tree opposite his three bed semi in Anglesey appears in the News of the World showing the Prince holed up in the spare room watching TV and eating biscuits with crumbs all down his front.

Rumours of a string of affairs since the Prince's RAF career began will circulate as the tabloids seek to uncover the cause of the split. Eventually a statement released on behalf of Kate Middleton will deny any affairs.

"He's just really weird," the statement will read.."plus I thought I was going to be a Princess, but the Queen won't die and being a Duchess sounds so ordinary, especially the Duchess of Cornwall, I mean really, Cornwall!?..Oooooh-ah Oooh-ah, can I 'ave a pint of cider my duck. It's just not what I thought it was going to be like at all."

Nail through the wood trick