Pardew

Alan Pardew is such an insufferable prat. How does someone so average become so arrogant? As we speak he's trying to insist his team are a "top six outfit" and have proved this by how they have played the last three games.

"Everyone said Newcastle would struggle when they played a decent team," scoffed the appalling cockney twat on Goals on Sunday just now. "Well we've proved the last three games how competitive we are."

Did they 'eck as fook. They had to play both Manchester teams and Chelsea in those three games; they lost 3-1 to City, drew 1-1 with United and lost 3-0 at home to Chelsea.

According to Pardew this is proving everyone wrong and showing how competitive they are? One point from nine, giving up seven goals. One wonders what a thrashing might have looked like if this is being competitive.

That's like saying, "I proved to my wife what a fantastic lover I am by ejaculating after 30 seconds and falling asleep before she'd even had time to wipe the mess off her nightie."

Someone needs to remind him Birmingham were in a similar position to Newcastle at this stage last season. A shit team always does well early on. I still fancy there's enough games left in the season for Newcastle to get relegated.

Hopefully there's enough time also for Pardew to get sacked, lose his house and end up working in a call centre in Dundee with anxious people who should be kept chained to radiators in dank basements.

Harsh but fair.