Doomed

We are doomed. Doomed. I received a copy of the nation's accounts today following a freedom of information act. They arrived in two big vans and total some 4 billion pages. I haven't looked at them though, George Osborne's covering letter was enough. "Here they are," it read, "make of them what you will, I'm stuffed if I can make head nor tail of it."

In the end I did what George recommended and just through them in my spare room and pretended everything was fine and instead put the finishing touches to my new Chinese poker strategy for when I've busted out of Sunday's Pigeons game.

What I was able to determine is that it's all just a load of bollocks. The stuff the Chancellor says I mean. In real terms no one in the House of Commons has got a fucking clue what to do about this debt. It's so big they all just shit themselves when they go near it and wave their arms inthe air and think of something else.

To give you a classic example of the madness of it all, they ditch those Nimrods and sell them for scrap. This will save the Tax payer £2b they tell us. Meanwhile however, they cost us £4b and in the short time it took the Government to announce this decision we borrowed a further £3b and the interest on the debt rose by £800m.

By the end of the year we'll owe £1.1 trillion. Trillion, I didn't even think that was a real number before Labour came to power. I thought it was just a baby word for a huge amount, like gazillion. And this doesn't include things like pensions to civil servants and other nonsense which is future debt which has to be paid and amounts to a further £1 trillion!

Perhaps I haven't been looking in the right places, but where exactly are these savage cuts being made I keep hearing about? I hear proposals and howls of outrage at those proposals, but I can't actually recall any of them being implemented. Meanwhile we give India £200m in aid, a country which spends £800m on their own space programme.

We are still giving huge amounts of money to people to perform unnecessary jobs. There are "lesbian soap opera addiction support coordinators" being paid twice as much as nurses. Manchester council has a "Subbuteo safety officer" paid roughly the same as a Captain in the British Army after expenses.

We pay billions in benefits to people who claim to be too ill or too stressed out to work. Iain Duncan Smith's ideas of ending Benefits as a lifestyle choice is all well and good, but there's so many people dependent on them it'll be impossible for him to wean the nation off this addiction.

He'll be accused of being some sort of elitist baby killer and his policy will be watered down to something like well..ok carry on, but do please be honest about whether you can work.

Meanwhile the debt keeps rising and we all let it, because the bribes we accept from the Government with our own money are too big to turn down. Only, one day there won't be any bribes cause we won't be able to borrow any more money and even the Greeks will point at us and laugh.

That's not really the debt is it?: George Osborne yesterday