Hiding from the truth

Listen Google, I know you read my blog because you own it so listen here; stop trying to link everything I do in my life to your main computer banks. Is it too much to ask for a man to want to keep some aspects of his life private? Is it? WELL, is it?

I'm not even talking about anything naughty, I don't care if you had a good old laugh in the office reading my complaint email to Girls on the farm magazine, I'm just talking about the basic right to privacy. For example, I just now went for a shit and when I got back there was an advert for bulk toilet paper on my google mail home page.

These people must be stopped before it's too late, if we don't do something before Google becomes self aware we're doomed. In fact it may already be too late. Simply moving to a cave won't be enough. You'd source out a cave in terrain untouched by civilisation only to find Google ad cave paintings on the wall. I've seen it happen.

Just back off OK?

* * *

In other news, I've just now been reading that young Kirstie Allsopp - who I'd do cause I find posh conservative types with bouncy poonts very exciting indeed - has been having a twittering argument with Alan Sugar who is a crass and disgracefully deluded cockney barrow-boy.

I of course have never liked Alan Sugar and find it physically impossible to watch him or his TV show, but even by his standards this is petty stuff. I've hated him since I was at school, not least because of his connection with Totterington, but mostly because I had one of his shitty computers and while my friends were playing cool games on their Spectrums I was playing a treasure hunt game that took twenty-five minutes to load and three minutes to play. Stupid syntax errors.

It's because of owning shit like this as a child I'm having to
over-compensate now with expensive Apple computrons

Anyway, so Ms Allsopp has criticised Sugar for being a bossy twat (paraphrasing) and taking himself too seriously. His retort(s) have been along the lines of her being a liar (ha, are you 12?) but mostly how shit she was when she appeared on the celebrity version of the Apprentice, hence proving her point for her really.

That he seems to genuinely judge people on how they perform on the Apprentice (even a celeb version) perfectly illustrates how consumed he is in his own self-importance, but even more so as surely Alan Sugar's role in this show is ironic anyway no? Is he not supposed to be a sort of Alf Garnett of the reality TV genre? I'm sure he's there for people to laugh at, not laugh along with.

In the 70's people mistakenly took Alf Garnett literally and racists up and down the country would bump into Warren Mitchell in the street and shake his hand and congratulate him on speaking up for the white man, completely oblivious to the fact that his character was sending up racists.

Alan Sugar is now performing the same roll for the nations whipper-snapper business types who have the full rainbow of skills and can't wait to get up in the morning for some blue sky thinking and to touch base with someone. They are so blinded by his image they are all incapable of seeing the joke.

The hilarious difference of course is that Alan Sugar hasn't worked this out either and judging by this little spat with Ms Allsopp he may never cotton on to the fact that his fearsome boss routine is meant to be ironic and generally speaking a genuinely successful businessman in his 60's, second in importance only to God ought not to take such pleasure in ridiculing teenagers barely out of short trousers. This is very similar in fact to Adam West who was never told Batman was meant to be a spoof and so played it straight all the way through.

Ms Allsopp yesterday, probably not wearing any knickers

The fact that Alan Sugar seems to be considered the cream of English business acumen proves many others have failed to get the joke and explains why we're in such a shit state as a country and why I've been forced to move virtually to a cave. Gordon Brown got the joke though I'm sure and Sugar's peerage was all part of his master plan to fuck England up.

It's all wearing a bit thin now though and I really think someone at the Beeb ought to tell him that the joke is on him for the sake of the nation and if he refuses to accept that he isn't awesome after all, he just needs to check his Google mail after he takes a shit as there will be no advert for toilet paper waiting for him, I've heard Google don't even know where he lives.

Alan who? confused Google employees in London yesterday