Montgomerie a dirty old bastard?

Montie in Prague earlier in the year?

So it looks like Colin Montgomerie's world is about to implode as well as his colon and not just as a consequence of a sound defeat by the US of States in the Ryder Cup. From various gossiping type sources on the internets it seems he's a kinky old duffer and is investing thousands of monies in lawyers to keep pictures of himself dressed in various S&M get ups out of the tabloids (or specifically the News of the World). Stuff that makes the gimp suit in Pulp Fiction look like formal evening wear.

If the rumours are to be believed he actually has a sparrow loose in his arse as we speak, which was inserted by Lady Xtreme in a brothel dungeon in Prague some four months ago, but which Montie has been unable to evacuate.

Montie denied these pictures existed in an interview in the Mercas in August and insisted the only birdies he wanted to discuss are the golfing sort as he fidgeted uneasily on his chair and a muffled tweeting noise was heard. Interesting exchange however with one of the golfing journo's:

"Q.: Monty, I don't know if you're aware, your old friend, Feherty went on a nationally syndicated radio show yesterday and talked about the existence of a super injunction in the U.K. that would bar some potentially embarrassing personal photos, wonder if you want to confirm, comment, deny the existence of those and how it might affect your captaincy at all.

CM: Yeah, obviously I listened to that radio show and I know a lot of you are having a lot of fun right now at my expense.

Let me clear this up, though, that I can categorically say that there's no injunction against the News of the World. I'm really not going to discuss this any -- any further. All I can say is categorically there is no injunction against the News of the World regarding anything.

I apologize for this, that you have to bring this up, but at the same time, no further -- no further comments from myself on that matter."

Notice, the reporter doesn't actually mention the News of the World by name. Just that there's a super injunction taken out. It's only Montie who mentions that paper specifically. Clearly then it's all true. Dirty bugger.

The legal bills will cripple him financially, yet ultimately there's very little he can do to stop these snaps from appearing in the News of the World eventually so these legal wranglings make no sense to me.

The fact is he just looks like someone that has some appalling sexual fetishes anyway, so any evidence confirming it is no biggie really. Just a case of..meh, thought so.

Aside from this though, if he's prepared to wear some of the sickening daywear Ryder Cup teams are expected to sport, what's the beef with the world seeing you in a leather vacuum suit attached to an unidentified cellmate by rubber testicles hand-cuffs in a bespoke sexual dungeon in someone's basement?

We all have our unique sexual eccentricities. I myself am turned on by [female] newsreaders and sometimes by really really fat women if I've had a lot to drink and not much to eat, but I'd much rather be pictured licking custard of an obese newsreader than snapped waiting to tee off in a beige tank top with salmon undershirt and greenish piss smelling tweed slacks and you can quote me.

This is how it should be done

When a loony-toon goes on the rampage with automatic weapons in Texas they don't coax him out of his rage with the promise of sandwiches and a fair trial. It's a far more direct if less sympathetic approach.

A dude today took guns to school at Texas University. While the students all ran for cover and the locals ran home to get their own guns, the poo-leese set about apprehending the suspect. From the pictures it's clear they had all never felt so alive. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the gunman.

Job done

Omens and irony

Football is all about omens, superstition and ironies. The outcome of games has very little to do with who is the best team elsewise Arsenal would win every week. They out play teams every Saturday and yet still finish third come the end of the season. Well if that's what you call football, you can keep it, I'm not playing there again...

...no wait,

What I'm saying is, you can keep all your facts, stats, trends and form. Give me paradoxes and prophecies every time. Let us consider Manchester United's fixture tomorrow against Valencia. Valencia are not in anyway a match for Manchester United on paper. But as Brian Clough would have said, football isn't played on paper so who gives a fook.

Valencia are priced at 2.7..this is of course an incredible price. A few weeks ago if you recall, the player Valencia busted up his ankle playing for United. Now Valencia will bust up United's chancing of qualifying from the group stages of the Champion's league. See? Easy.

Valencia therefore are the first selection of my cheeky trixie wager that will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. I will have Arabian virgins bring me my sandwiches at lunch time on gold plates from my very own branch of Subway Sammich installed in my new house which will make the hotel's in Dubai look like the inside of a heroine addicts arse.

The second selection of the bet that will finally elevate me above the law is of course the US of States to beat Europe. I don't know much about Golf. I know if you want to wear shorts on the course at Burford golf course you have to wear a belt with it, but other than that I'm totally ignorant.

I know however, that if Colin Montgomerie is sporting the captain's armband you better be on the other team. He remains the predominant reason I've never played golf. I have a deep loathing of sportsmen and transvestites who have an arrogance that exceeds their ability by a considerable distance.


He is also the living breathing sweaty embodiment of the snootiness and snobbery of golf. The Jeremy Bates of golf if you will, only with a belt around his shorts and access to the world's media. He is currently in hogs heaven with all this attention and it's a toss up between him and Nick Clegg as to who I want to fail the most. Possibly it's Colin Montgomerie as he should have more of an appetite for humble pie.

I digress...given how much he is enjoying the lime light, this weekend must surely represent his most spectacular failure as Mrs Doubtfire is clearly a born loser.

My final selection is a draw between Ajax and AC Milan and this of course is because I get bored with thinking and just click stuff.

Cobra found on tennis court

Just a few more days now until so many potential disasters are realised before an audience of literally hundreds. I speak not of the European team's Ryder Cup capitulation, but of course the Commonwealth Games.

Today's series of t'internet scaremongering stories include a Cobra being found on a tennis court and a dead scorpion found in an athlete's shoe. Scorpions must have a shocking sense of smell if they couldn't detect the sweaty pungent odour of an athletes trainer.

I get nervous when I come across a harmless UK house spider, only the lord our Gah knows what sort of venomous beasties these people will find in their living quarters over the next few weeks. A dude has already found what was described as "a large snake" in his room.

A large snake in the UK might mean 6-12 inches. In India if a snake is described as large it's probably visible from space. I bet there's wild monkey's all over the place and cockroaches the size of dinner plates. Awesome. It's exactly what you need after a hard day's competition; to come back to your room and find a rabid monkey on your bed eating pizza and channel hoping while flinging his shit about the place.

I hope the BBC don't try and ignore this stuff. It's all part of the Indian experience after all. Just like the World Cup in South Africa where they went deep into the townships to patronise the locals, I hope they have a series of special reports examining the many ways you can die in India without even really trying.

I'd like to see Denise Lewis with a python wrapped around her for example, while that irritating twat in the BBC bus attempts a series of challenges emailed in by viewers along the lines of sitting in a ditch for 20 seconds and then negotiating the traffic on a bicycle to the nearest medical facility before his skin rots away.

Squat

Very little going on as we speak. It is the Pigeon's quiz tonight however which of course is a bit of fun so I haven't studied. I'm hoping the answers just come to me, I'm sure they will mostly via the medium of the others players in my team.

When I say I haven't studied that is not strictly true because life is one big learning experience isn't it. So in that respect I'm constantly studying so if there's a question tonight about whether it's worth getting up before 11am in order to be at Subway sammich while they're still serving the mega-feast breakfast sammich I will have the answer to hand, which is no.

This is also the answer to "do I need an iPad"...let's just hope they don't ask "will I buy one anyway" as I just simply don't know the answer people. I just don't know. It's far too early to tell.

Umm...so anyway see you later