Carlos Tevez to not look quite so smug

Carlos Tevez emailed into the blog last night to explain that if he faces spending the rest of his life on golf courses and beaches and being pampered by a 22 year old sexology graduate he met while trying to escape from Manchester, he could probably cope with that.

Manchester City are making noises about sacking Tevez after the typically untrustworthy and thieving Argie gave a new and literal meaning to the word "striker" on Tuesday night by refusing to come off the bench in their Champions League game against the square heads in Moonchen, claiming he couldn't really be bothered.

But a source close to City owner Sheikh it-al-labout who also emailed into the blog just now claims that if Carlos Tevez thinks he can disgrace an Arab and swan off to St Andrews he knows nothing about the Arabs.

His email explained how the Skeikh is planning to "go old school on Tevez" and "wipe that smile off the deformed bit of his head where usually people keep their face." Our source also heard him talking on the phone to someone from China about the situation!

"First," the email continued, "his hands will be removed with bolt cutters, his legs will then be bound in piano wire and the little bits of his skin protruding through the wires will be loped off piece by piece day by day over the course of the remaining 36 months of his contract.

"If he survives he will then be released on a Bosman. If he can do anything after that other than cry then good luck to him."

Meanwhile his two young daughters are currently buried up to their wastes in the Sheikh's eldest son's personal sandpit where they will be stoned to death as part of his 21st birthday celebrations on Saturday. He can't wait apparently.

Too little too late

Well now it was a bittersweet evening's sports wagering. Our Champions League yankee finally returned a significant enough profit to finance the exit visas of nurses Suki and Ling Ling from China who I was in desperate need of to head up my personal medical staff.

Unfortunately the lengthy delays have allowed a feindish Russian cabillionaire to swoop in and gazump me. Consequently Suki and Ling Ling are now in Moscow probably applying a liberal measure of an Eastern soothing balm not know to us here in the west to the chest and genitals of Vladimir Krotcykhgitcnivoviociciv.

I will instead invest my winnings on tins of beans and American football pads to prepare for the coming apocalypse caused by Germans who thought they could enjoy an symbiotic economic relationship with Greeks and other nations who consider paying taxes to be just something that happens to other people.

We're doomed people. Doomed. It's every man woman and child for him her and itself. Good luck everyone.

We're doomed. Good luck everyone.

This is what we've been saying here on the blog for many months now. It's every man woman and child for his her and itself. Good luck everyone.

A final throw of the dice

I have unfortunately only one more opportunity to bring nurses Suki and Ling Ling over from China to head up my personal medical staff. They have become frustrated with the loneliness of our separation and taste of the soups and are considering another offer from a Russian businessman who is also keen to enjoy their unique blend of oriental medicine, therapeutic massage and their gentle pillow fights.

Today's hail Mary NFL wager will have to be successful or I will have to continue on with my fate alone. Alone, sore and sexually frustrated.

If the Gods are still reading my blog, I will need the Houston Texans to win (+4), as well as Oakland (+3), Cincinnati (-2.5) and I will also be betting points in Buffalo 53.5 - I fancy that's a 60+ game.

Good luck everyone.

Woe is us

I do not feel good today people. I feel tired and sore and my spirits are low. The continued delays in securing the release from China of nurses Suki and Ling Ling are weighing heavily on my tired mind and body.

I am hearing from China that nurse Suki is refusing food too. Ling Ling will not speak, she only stares forlornly to the west from their lonely apartment balcony and sighs. Suki is surviving by drinking her own tears. Ling Ling has only had a small bowl of soup since Thursday.

However, the beginning of the end of our sorrows is approaching. Our trinity will become one very soon. I fully expect this weekend's football wagers to reap such rewards that Suki and Ling Ling will be with me, both fully fed, and administering my convalescence by Tuesday evening.

Of course with each delay I am having to place more and more optimistic wagers as the returns also have to cover the previous loses! Soon I will have to back Arsenal to keep a clean sheet! This weekend's Yankee will require draws between Newcastle and Blackburn and West Brom and Fulham. We will also need Aston Villa and the Totteringtons to win.

If things continue to spiral out of control I will only be able to afford the services of nurse Gladys Emmanuel. I know kids, I'm scared too.