Gone in 60 seconds

I went off Georgie Thompson just now in the minute it took me to read on the Daily Mail website how, pissed as a fart, she had crashed her Porsche while trying to park it.

This is beyond wrong of course and in so many ways. She should not even be earning a wage that would allow her to buy a Porsche as all she does is sit on a chair for a living and look into a camera.

She has set the progress of the blonde woman back at least twenty years with this spectacularly poor attempt to parallel park a powerful motor car.

Now when women, blonde women especially, insist the stereotype bimbo image is ignorant and insulting, they will be reminded of the 5ft tall Sky Sports News presenter who began reverse parking her car in Kensington and ended up somewhere in Camden and was relatively happy about it as she staggered head first into a watching Police officer who suffered bruising to his cock.

The thing than appalled me most about this, over and above the brazen lack of consideration for the public who may have been skittled over as she mounted curb after curb, was how fat she looked.

Don't look at me like that feminists. I think Georgie has demonstrated there is no brain behind the looks so it's fine for us to see her only as a piece of meat. An enormous great chunk of it.

I thought the camera added weight? Sky must have special cameras that take it off. No wonder she crashed, those rolls of neck fat would have prevented her seeing behind her. Urghh.. feel queasy. No wonder Dec ditched her.

Dreams

Every now and then I have a dream where it's the last day of the year long internship I did in New York and everyone in our apartment is packed and ready to leave except me. All of my stuff is everywhere and I don't know where to begin and I feel abandoned by everyone then I wake up and go for a piss.

Also I have another recurring dream where it's the last day of college and I have loads of work still to be handed in and everyone else is finished and sitting about drinking coffee and wondering what to do with their summer.

This last one is actually based on my actual experiences of college as I really was a hair's breath away from failing everything because I left it until the very last moments to hand my work in. Everyone in my class was helping me with it. Everyone except the six or seven people who sat back and watched me panic as they thought I was a cunt who deserved to fail.

Last night the two dreams combined!! I was not packed and my work was not completed. Many many people mocked me. Two guys who laughed at me actually I'm afraid were killed by me! I plunged a knife into one of them and the other one was battered to death with a pipe.

Now, I'm either wrong in the head or should stop watching violent police dramas before bed. I'm just hoping I'm wrong in the head cause Third Watch is my favourite show at the moment. They really shouldn't have cancelled it and these past few weeks of watching all six seasons again has made me feel so alive I'm not stopping now I'm so close to the finale. And you can quote me.




Back in the real world, instead of national service in the Army for our young uns, why not assign them all to a year's service in the emergency services? Not actually where they have to be in contact with people, but doing the crappy tedious jobs that traditionally are filled by illegals and people who are borderline mongers.

Jobs like cleaning the floors in hospitals, doing paper work for the police so they can actually leave their stations and do some proper police work like Office Boscorelli, or cleaning up the gallons of vomit everywhere.

That would be just as character building as charging at straw filled dummies with a bayoneted rifle. Plus the illegals and mongers could then be demoted to even worse jobs like cleaning out ditches and drains and shining street signs and just tidying the place up a bit.

If you go to places like Norway and Sweden the streets are immaculate. It's like an NHS operating theatre only cleaner. They may pay taxes that are higher than George Osborne when he's delivering his budget, but they get something for their taxes. We should too in my opinion and slavery dressed up as national service is really the only way to go.

Monkey business

Very worrysome dreaming of late. Many times I have been set upon by monkeys. There is nothing on Gah's clean earth more terrifying than an aggressive monkey. Those fingers, the screeching, the sort of fur that isn't quite fur.

Spiders scare me. I'm uncomfortable in the dark, but if I went for a piss in the night and found a monkey in bath tub it must surely be the end of me. I don't know how people in India manage with legions of them pelting through their disease riddled slums all the time. How horrible.

The symbolism is all rather obvious. Or is it? We all know what it means to have a monkey on one's back, but what does it mean to have loads of them swinging about around you and throwing poo about the place?

I would assume it mean chaos, which is funny cause there's anything but chaos in my life as we speak. It's possible though the chaos is Officer Boscorelli's. I am currently living vicariously through him and he's just been shot in the face many many times by some nasty drug dealers. Yes I think that must be it, but I'll let you know if something else turns up.

If you've never seen Third Watch incidentally, seek it out on the You Tubes. It's the most awesome Cop show ever. It's like a combination of NYPD Blue and E.R. They cancelled it after six seasons about five years ago, which was the worst telly decision since the Smallville writers never wrote in a scene where Lois has some difficulty making a cake and gets cream on her tits. That would have been an awesome scene.

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In other news my awesome antique ear trumpet arrived today and I plan to use when people come over who I don't like. I will shout "EH?" at them every time they talk and point the trumpet at them until they feel uncomfortable enough to leave. It's GOLD!

Of my current outstanding 2am eBay purchases I am now just waiting for a charger for an old Panasonic x70 phone, which I will now use not because my iPhone doesn't work and is shit, but because I want to. Cause I feel like it.

Oh I have also taken the decision to start putting pomade in my hair. I want to encourage everyone to return to more traditional hair treatments and jellies.

There's really nothing quite like the smell of lanolin and petrol in the morning.

I forgot what else I wanted to say.

Disturbing

You have to wonder what kind of person thought issuing nursing staff with red tabards with 'Do Not Disturb' written on them was a good idea.  It says 'Do Not Disturb', but what they mean is 'fuck off you're not important enough to warrant my attention.'

I know they have a job to do and all, but if they are genuinely incapable of doing two things at once, there must surely be more tactful ways of keeping their patients at bay, no?  And let's not forget nurses are not just interrupted by patients, they're interrupted by other health care professionals too.  Which really makes the whole idea pointless.

Apparently if a patient comes up to a nurse wearing one of these tabards procedure is for her to just point at the 'Do Not Disturb' on the front of it and walk off! That's true.  I'm laughing as I type this.

I pity the nurse who ever does that to me if I ever need help because I don't care what she's wearing, I don't care if she's roped off with a couple of doorman either side of her, that biatch is helping me.

I of course am more assertive than the average patient.  We are a reserved nation by nature and it's not hard to imagine some poor old lady either shitting herself or having a stroke and not asking for help because her 'carers' are all dressed in these fucking tabards.

Hospitals exist for the benefit of patients, if patients aren't important enough to disturb a nurse, who is?  Well this of course is a rhetorical question because patients are now just an inconvenience to most nurses who are just doing the minimum until they can get off the wards and into a career involving an office and a relatively decent wage and without being knee deep in a sea of pensioner's bum gravy all day.

Common sense and compassion went the way of the bed side manner some years ago.  This is symptomatic of the whole country which has had it's life sucked out of it by an enormous bureaucratic hoover.  Patients are statistics, quotas, clients and expenditure way before they're vulnerable sick people who need caring for.

The European Union and it's obsession with political correctness and procedure following has enveloped an entire continent and left no place anywhere for the kind of bonding and human touch that used to be an essential part of the carer patient relationship and is absent also in many other walks of life.

Only Germans could create such a bleak and frigid environment for the vulnerable and the sick to convalesce.  Don't get me wrong, there's a place for everyone in this world, even Germans.  But their place is usually in the gun turret of a Panzer tank, or working the bellows of a furnace in a concentration camp or perhaps marshaling Arsenal's defense.

The last place you want them is making policy in places where emotions and sensitivity are prerequisites.  Let us not forget Germany's most famous doctor is still Joseph Mengele.  I don't care what people say about how dry his sense of humour was I don't want people like him doing rounds anywhere near me or anyone I care about.

The creepy tentacles of Euro style communism are sucking the warmth and humanity out of everything and everyone, blackening the hearts of the people we entrust with the care of our children and loved ones and our old folks who we also sort of like a bit, with it's inky poison.  POISON!

We're doomed people.  Doomed. 

I'm just glad my weekend yankee will probably yield the kind of fortune that will finally allow me to bring Suki and Ling Ling over from China to take care of all my medical and therapeutic needs.

In the meantime however, it's every man, woman and child for him, her or itself.

Good luck everyone.

Transfer deadline day

In the actual real world the transfer window is a relatively calm period where teams bring players in and also ship players out.  Sometimes some of these deals are complex and take a long time and are only completed on the final day, but most are completed in time for the season's opening fixture.

On even rarer occasions a deal might be finalised almost in the last minutes of the last day, but this is very rare.  Usually for a deal to go through at the last moment in this fashion the team in question will have had to have lost 8-2 a few days previous or something.  

Completely detached from all reality on the other hand in Sky Sports land, transfer deadline day is second in importance only to Judgement day itself.  The apocalypse; heaven, earth and hell fighting it out to the death.

Twice a season the Premier league, Sky Sports News and their minion reporters standing in completely empty stadium car parks come together in an explosion of manufactured hyperactivity to offer minute by minute nothingness presented in an explosion of graphics, no-news tickers and bullshit.

If you poured Christmas eve, Hogmanay, napalm and a can of Iron-Bru into a human sized plastic mould, left it to set in between transfer windows and cracked it open on the last day, you'd have Jim White.

Jim White is an absurd detonation of nuclear Scottish bullshit. Fully capable of devastating an entire country's football fans in only three hours simply by forcefully insisting again again that everything that is going on is awesome even when nothing is actually going on.

"The pressure is building and it's all going to go off big time.," he shrieked every twenty minutes or so although we're never clear if he's talking about football transfers or his ejeculation. Very reminiscent of the Sky News reporter sat outside an air base somewhere waiting for a plane to take off which may or may not be heading towards a war zone some 8,000 miles away.

Yesterday Sky Sports News even had exclusive footage of Jim arriving at Sky's studios to present Sky Sports News. Which is just someone arriving for work. The world came very close to folding in on itself at that time and it may have if we weren't interrupted just in time by a reporter stood outside Stoke's stadium informing us that everything was at fever pitch because there was every chance Peter Crouch had just been spotted buying a can of Redbull at a service station somewhere on the M6.

Ironically the utter sheer complete bollocks of Sky's 24 hour ejaculation of graphics and noise was almost appropriate for the level of transfer activity at Arsenal.  Five signings and some of them I had even heard of.

We will never know of course what would have occurred had Arsenal not suffered their most humiliating defeat since Napoleon was still causing us trouble.  I suspect Arsène Wenger may still have tried to insist that our squad had the quality and mental strength to win every trophy currently up for grabs in the professional game making Jim White's exclamations seem comparatively understated.

Mertesacker I think is the most reassuring of the lot.  I've always secretly been an admirer of the square heads.  Arsenal are in desperate need of some Teutonic evil at the back.  You can say what you like about Jens Lehmann and his temperament. Some players may have exploited his crazy, but the vast majority were frightened of him.  Even his own team mates.

A 6ft 6 centre-back barking orders in German - which is the second most sinister language next to Russian - at everyone, even the referee is exactly what we need.  Coupled with the lunacy of 6ft 6 Wojciech Szczesny and you've already got a half way decent defense.

Neither are likely to accumulate many bookings as their name's are quite long and a referee under pressure may just opt for a stern warning.  Mertesacker I think has only one yellow card and one red card to his name in four years.

With a Brazilian left-back too who I assume is a tricky little sod it's tempting to dream of a future where we don't let eight goals in anymore in one game.  Or even surrender a four goal lead at half-time.

Or where the players don't bump into each other trying to get away from where they might get hurt.  There's a chance even that Arsenal could keep a clean sheet before Christmas.

I'm not sure what I make of the signing of Arteta and Yossi Benayoun.  Perhaps along with Tomáš Rosický if they can synchronise their injuries they might play enough games between them to cover a whole season.

Finally the Korean dude will I think be the surprise of the new signings.  Korean captain, so must be a decent enough player but also with a work ethic only Asian people seem to posses.  They seem to be able to run forever and while I loved Cesc Fabregas he did seem to have this tendency to mooch about in midfield for the last year or so of his Arsenal career.

A Korean darting about the place without ever stopping for breath might be the inspiration the other players need to shake them out of the malaise.

Not even Jim White's world of hyperbolic fantasy and ludicrous over-optimism could have persuaded me that Arsenal had anything other than a relegation battle to look forward to this season, but now with Spurs being Spurs and Liverpool being Liverpool, I'm wondering if it's even within the boundaries of actual reality to target the fifteenth top four finish in a row?

The pressure is building and it's all going to go off big time.  Or something.